Since hitting 60, little changes once unnoticed have stealthily been making their way to the front of the decrepitude queue. Lustrous locks once an unruly mane are now thinning. Eagle eyes once able to spot a cat hair in a cookie needing Mr Magoo spectacles. An almost photographic memory fading like an old polaroid picture. Every day another component part stiffens, fails or falls off completely.
The arrival of that most unwelcome house guest, Mutton Jeff, is the latest manifestation of advancing old age. Yet has anyone else noticed that free hearing tests once foist upon you with gay abandon by opticians have now slipped into the murky shadows? I fear hearing health care is now going the same way as NHS dentistry.
Having noticed the TV volume gradually increasing over time, I asked my optician for a free hearing test and here’s where the story starts to get a bit complicated.
Private or NHS hearing test? asked the overly helpful bespectacled assistant at my local branch of Specsavers.
‘Errrr… which ever one is free’ I replied.
‘They both are but it gets tricky if you make the wrong choice then need hearing aids’ their response.
The explanation that followed went something like this:
If you want a free NHS hearing test, you first need a GP referral. Once you have a referral, a clinician then has to examine your ears to make sure that you a) have two of them and that b) they are not full of wax. If you are wax free then you can have a hearing test. Should it transpire that you need a hearing trumpet, the NHS will then provide it free of charge.
If you want a free private hearing test, you can book an appointment straight away but if you then need the trumpet, you’ll have to fund your audio orchestra out of your own pocket.
Better pray you don’t have wax in them lugholes because I can’t imagine the NHS is going to offer you any free syringing for that. The Ancient Mariner had ears waxier than Yankee candles a few years back and ended up having to pay for de-clogging. And why do you think that was? Because in the future, hearing healthcare will no doubt be privatised and NOT provided free by the NHS.
For a long time now, small services previously provided free and gratis by the NHS usually in local doctors’ surgeries have very slowly been disappearing from the menu. Ear syringing is one such service and unlikely to be the last.
For a free NHS hearing test expect to wait, an average timeframe that looks something like this:
- 5 weeks to see your GP to discuss matters/request the referral
- 1 week for the referral to reach your optician
- Another 2 – 3 weeks to see the clinician for the wax check
- Followed by an extra week or more for the hearing test appointment
My advice is that should Mutton Jeff pop up on your doorstep unexpectedly, make sure you begin this process before he’s fully unpacked his bags, kicked off his shoes and helped himself to your secret stash of chocolate or you’ll end up having to make your own ear trumpet out of an empty Pringles tube.
So whilst I wait for my clinician’s appointment (even though my GP checked my ears and declared them totally free of wax), I’ll munch through a tube of salt and vinegar Pringles just in case I have to go down the do-it-yourself cloth ears route.
Remember this - if it says FREE hearing test on the tin, the question to ask yourself is whether or not you want to wait ages for it or pay for any treatment you might need afterwards.
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