CARMAGEDDON

August – a month now associated with mini heatwaves, swimming in underheated public pools or reading about record numbers of migrant crossings. The school summer break has long had the reputation of being a holiday wash out but this year’s certainly been a scorcher so far.

August – also the time of year for my Pug princess’s annual MOT check, an event that causes my pulse to race at the mere thought of being presented with another hefty bill for replacement car parts or a list of ‘advisories’ resembling a Halfords warehouse inventory.

Peugeot 206 - a diesel darling

Cars, like humans, begin to slowly fall apart with age and my little Peugeot is no exception. The diesel dowager is now 17 years old but still pootling along. Bless.

I love this little car so much that the thought of having to replace her at some future date is enough to make me want to give up driving. Not for me the electric behemoths that suck the grid dry or hog at least 2 parking spaces at the supermarket. Nope – if God had wanted us to drive electric vehicles, He’d have made us all milkmen!

The ultimate electric vehicle

An MOT also heralds the annual car clean. It’s the only time the crumb covered interior ever gets to see a vacuum cleaner as life’s too precious to waste wiping down windscreens or waxing paintwork. I’ve got enough interior paintwork to sort out without wondering where to magic up minutes to pimp my ride.

Besides which this year I have the perfect excuse for not cleaning the car in that I’m likely to be grassed up to the water company by over-zealous neighbours making sure peeps don’t squander any of the precious wet stuff. Dare I risk using the hosepipe? I’m much too lazy to lift a bucketful of water from kitchen to driveway.

Unlike humans, cars never complain about being dirty or having bits held together with gaffer tape. Have the NHS considered the merits of gaffer tape? It would be a cheaper alternative to surgery or other conventional treatments that appear to have fallen by the wayside of late. Perhaps in shifting care to the community, the Government could consider garages as a place that might give people health MOTs whilst they wait for their cars to be repaired or tested.

Revolutionary new health treatment

In the meantime, it’s time for me to whip out the magic sponge, Turtle Wax and re-introduce Dyson to my diesel darling to prepare her for her date with MOT destiny.