WAR IN A 1,000 DAYS

War is coming don’t you know? Apparently in a thousand days, according to Wes (you and whose army?) Streeting whose scaremongering message was pepper-sprayed across the weekend tabloids to galvanise the nation into action.

Of course, in 1,000 days there’s likely to be another general election probably making war someone else’s problem, not Wes’s. From bedpans to ballistics, Wes inherited defence from Horrible Healy who is now gearing up to wage war on our wonga on Wednesday.

However, for us over-weight, over-taxed, over-electrified oiks, it’s battle stations. Be ready! Be Prepared! Be anything other than sitting on your arse expecting someone else to be doing something whilst you watch the latest round of Celebrity Traitors in blissful oblivion.

To prepare for this imaginary ‘war’, the Government may have to introduce some policy changes:

Like retirement, the age of conscription will be pushed out to 70. If you can hold a fork, walk 200 yards unaided, dress yourself then you’re in. Britain needs YOU! Finger firmly pointing outwards. Report to your nearest Barmy Recruitment Office as soon as.

Ration Books like everything else will be digital. They’ll be over-complicated to obtain, function temperamentally and only likely to work with a top-of-the-range satellite phone. From China. You’ll need to handover a sackful of personal data to a faceless bot called Twinkle to register for the That’s-Your-Lot APP, precious data that can then be flogged to the enemy after the ‘war’ to re-build the economy.

Whilst details of your identity will be available to every hacker on the planet, in true Orwellian fashion our ‘enemy’ will remain an unknown quantity because the Nanny State knows best. It’s for our own good. We can’t handle the truth. Makes it easier to stoke up a good panic if we don’t know exactly who the bad ‘un is. China? Russia? Hackers? Migrants? That bloke over there with three heads wearing a paisley frock brandishing a ray gun? Not seen, not there. Unless the Government say they are then be ready.

Panic buying will become mandatory. Every household in the land will be sent a random weekly shopping list of over-priced, not needed items to purchase for the greater economic good of the nation. Toilet rolls, paracetamol, eggs or any other sensible items won’t be included on the PB list. Expect to see snail facial cream, air fryers, nose hair trimmers, incontinence pants, plastic pumpkins and Oasis tickets. Anything and everything useless will be on the list whilst the stuff you really need in a crisis will have mysteriously disappeared from supermarket shelves under alleged ‘supply chain issues.’

Richer households will be expected to fund their own defence equipment via a unique ‘Drone Deduction’ tax code that will enable the Revenue to plunder funds directly from your bank account. Anyone with more than fifty quid in coinage stored in either a whiskey bottle, piggy bank, shoebox under the bed or any other receptacle will be deemed a ‘richer’ household under new means-testing criteria to be introduced.

Having frog-marched the public down the electrified brick road by limiting consumer choice thus forcing us all to have smart phones, gadgets with remote access capability, electric cars, DAB radios, internet phone lines, online banking etc, etc, the Government has exposed every single one of us to the risk of cyber warfare. We’d not be in this position if we’d stuck with analogue TVs from Radio Rentals. Yet now with a household full of connectivity, we’ve all got targets on our backs. Is it any wonder some of us want to live ‘off grid?’

Modern warfare won’t require bomb shelters because a clever, unseen foe is just going to give an evil cackle, flick a switch, and bingo, its good-night Vienna. First, they’ll disable the web then they’ll pull the power. Or maybe it’ll be the other way round? Power first, then web. Hang on, let me just ask AI.

Well, whatever the order, we’re all going to be well and truly rogered whichever way you look at it. 

Stockpile or no stockpile, how will you open those tinned goods now your electric can opener is on the fritz? Believe me, cold baked beans are no-one’s idea of a delicious supper on a wet, wintery evening especially with no toaster to warm the bread first or melt the butter.

HIP TO BE SQUARE

Up to this point, my pond project has been a solo venture but now it’s time to press-gang some unwilling volunteers into helping.

Oi! You there. Who me? The other half has that look upon his face, the kind of expression that sits somewhere between chronic constipation and extreme annoyance, the kind he displays when there’s a troublesome fly buzzing around his motorsport magazine. There’s nothing he hates more than blue-bottles on his bugattis.

Yes, you! Get those A-frames ready as it’s time to cut garden sleepers to make a rectangular frame. ‘Oh God, not again…’ I hear him mutter as he skulks off to the garage to rummage amongst his collection of tools.

Working out sleeper sizes to create a frame

Take 4 x 2.4 metre-long sleepers and cut them down to size to create a large frame that will sit inside your brown dirt patch. Use metal brackets to secure each corner and long hex bolts to attach sleepers together.

Finished sleeper frame

As I want the frame to sit below the level of the lawn so that it is not free-floating, then I’ve dug out a wide gulley along the perimeter of the dirt patch in which the frame will sit. Try to keep the bottom level and the same depth all round – a feat which is harder than sourcing a litre of diesel at less than £1.95.

Dig gulley all round your brown dirt patch

Nice and deep for sleeper to sit in

Do not attempt to lift the finished frame by yourself unless your name is Geoff Capes. It’s bloody heavy. Even the pair of us struggled to get the thing airborne by about an inch. Take a deep breath, brace yourself then heave completed frame into your freshly dug gulleys. There. It fits. Well, it does after a few tweaks here and there.

Perfect frame for the pond

Stretcher-bearer!!! Back rub me!

DIG! BABY DIG!

All this talk about idleness and procrastination has finally given me a kick up the jacksie to spur my lazy lump self into some activity.

At last, I’ve decided to get round to digging out part of the garden so I can install a large preformed pond I blagged for free from one of our neighbourhood websites.

It’s a behemoth of a pond. Large enough to do the week’s laundry in if energy costs continue to go up. But it was free and I’m all for re-cycling wherever possible. Besides it’s a large sized Blagdon Damselfly pond and one of these babies will set you back a tidy sum if purchased new.

Free pond anyone?

To prevent us old folks or grandson accidentally falling into the pond, I’ve decided to install it on the lawn in the middle of a raised rectangular bed made of garden sleepers. Being a tidy freak doing this will neaten the edging, contain any border rocks or planting and prevent wet granny ankles or kite surfing tortoises.

Quite how you go about installing a pre-formed pond is one of those exciting, new challenges designed to keep retired brain matter active. Things to learn. Physical jerks (I’m not referring to the other half). Plenty of resistance training (largely from my under-utilised muscles who are resistant to any form of exercise). Fresh air to fill your bonce with positive thoughts and banish mental negativity. A good time filler.

First – decide on location of said pond and mark out a nice rectangle of an appropriate size using whatever implements you can lay your hands on. Aha, there’s a nice patch on the lawn just there opposite the veggie bed that’ll be the perfect spot.

Second – get digging. Delve like your life depends on it. Dead grass, weeds, stones; everything’s got to come up. If you have physical limitations like I have, be prepared to pace yourself as it’s a sweaty, back-breaking job. Chunk up the rectangle so you do a little bit every day. Ensure you have a flask of tea to hand for restorative purposes.

It’s taken me several days just to get rid of the surface turf and get down to bare earth. I now have a brown dirt cowboy patch that will eventually house my new pond. Time to dig, baby dig!

Brown dirt patch - home of new pond

TAX STACKING

Liar, liar – your tax pants are on fire.

The subject of paying tax on state pensions has raised its ugly head again just days before Horrible Healy’s first budget during which the Government will reveal how they intend to deal with pensioner taxation.

Those who have ONLY the state pension to live on but NO OTHER income have nothing to fear from the Tax Man according to Torsten Bell, Pensions Minister who decreed that anyone falling into this bucket should not be burdened with the administrative headache of filling out online tax returns. This pretty much echoes what came out of the last budget (see my post The Policy of Truth Nov 2025).

I can’t wait to hear how the Government are going to deal with ‘liars’ because when it comes to paying tax everyone’s likely to become more economical with the truth, aren’t they? How will the Treasury identify which of us have ONLY a state pension to live on?

I’m thinking that if you only have a state pension to live on ie £13,036 per annum from next April and NO OTHER forms of personal income or savings in the bank then presumably you would be entitled to claim other benefits such as winter fuel allowances or discounts off your council tax which are also not taxed. A double bubble for some.

So, my question again - how will those that claim to be poor pensioners be assessed? There will have to be a mechanism, a form of ‘means-testing’ or some kind of assessment or criteria to determine whether folks have additional income streams or are lying through their teeth when they claim they haven’t a bean to live on other than what the state gives them.

And indeed, I can give you a practical example of how someone with only a state pension to live on can actually earn lots more by using ‘tax stacking’ to maximise their personal income without even having to report it to the Revenue. Read on as you won’t see this shared by Torsten Bell or Money Saving Expert.

Tax Stacking is the practice of layering lots of different tax allowances on top of each other so you can have your cake and eat it without sharing a single crumb with the Tax Man. I’ve put my ‘estimated’ income from each category in bold text. Let the stacking begin:

Annual State Pension from April 2027: £13,036
According to Torsten, if that’s all you have to live on then this will be subject to zero tax.

Renting out a spare bedroom: £3,000
Under the Government’s Rent-a-Room scheme, you can earn £7,500 a year (joint ownership) or £3,750 each before any tax is due. As long as your takings don’t exceed the £3,000-ish mark then every rental penny is yours.

Renting out your driveway: £800
Property Trading Allowance is £1,000 per annum. Incomes from driveways are treated separately to room rental which means that allowing a few punters to pay to park occasionally outside your home can add to your tax-free income.

Side Hustles: £800
Trading Allowance is £1,000 per annum. Incomes from all those extra-curricular activities such as online selling, fast food deliveries, crafting, etc. Yep, those funky bird feeders you fashioned out of scrap timber that you sell on cyber market places are all classed as side hustles. Provided the cumulative total of any income raised from side hustles is below the threshold then not a problem, you don’t need to declare it.

Share Dividends: £300
Dividend Allowance is £500. Tax is only paid if your annual share dividend income exceeds this figure but if you only hold a few shares then anything below this threshold is a free gift.

Savings Interest (not ISA a/cs): £800
Personal Savings Allowance (PSA) for basic-rate taxpayers is £1,000 of savings interest tax-free per year for everything held outside of an ISA tax wrapper. Always keep your cash in an ISA to avoid getting an unexpected tax demand especially now savings interest rates are rising.

Selling Assets: £2,000
Got a few gold trinkets you no longer wear? What about that old oil painting gathering dust in the attic? If you’re thinking of flogging these to boost your pension then remember the Capital Gains Tax annual exempt amount is £3,000. Covers the sale of personal assets that have increased in value not car-booting crap.

By stacking these 6 different tax allowances together to form a tax tower, you can potentially add almost £8,000 to your annual state pension without having to part with a single penny in tax. This is all perfectly legal and above board, no shady business on this blog. Unless the Government decide to do away with any or all of these allowances which is always a possibility at the next budget then feel free to stack away to your heart’s content.

I must add here that these allowances apply to everyone not just those who are living solely on a state pension.  We can all tax stack but bear in mind that if you massively exceed any of these allowances and your main source of income is not just a state pension then you could end up accidentally pushing yourself into a higher tax bracket if your total personal income exceeds £50,000 per annum.

Key takeaway - Know your tax allowances then make sure you always keep your earnings in each category below the threshold for a tax free existence.  If you think I'm talking bollocks then fair enough otherwise ask your local, friendly accountant to explain how you might benefit from tax stacking.

As I’ve always said the secret to a happy, prosperous retirement is getting on top of tax.