HOLED OUT

I can’t dig any more. No really, if I do my body will be so broken that even Dr Gaffer won’t be able to stick me back together again.

So, this is it. This is where the pond will sit inside the frame. It could have been lower but no, enough is enough!

That's it - no more digging

There’s a giant hole in the ground almost half a metre deep. It is pond shaped or thereabouts. If it’s good enough for you then it’s good enough for me.

That's one deep hole

Remarkably level too considering I didn’t use any measuring gauges or other devices to determine the flatness of the pit’s bottom. Place pond in hole then use a long spirit level to make sure it’s not on the piss. Bubble looks dead centre. Perfect!

Check pond is level

Even though my new pond cost nothing, I don’t want to risk any damage to either bottom or sides so I’ve laid out a layer of surplus roofing membrane across the bottom of the hole then covered it with a thick stratum of fine building sand to prevent any missed stones piercing the plastic. A nice cushion for it to sit on.

Using up leftovers

Nice thick layer of sand on top of the membrane

Carefully lower pond into its final resting place and again, check that it is all level. Looks great!

Pond laid to rest

But it doesn’t end there because some of what’s come out has to go back in to plug the gaps between the side of the pond and the trench. You’ve got to be kidding, right? ‘Fraid not.

And this is why you need to save all that displaced soil when you’re digging out holes. The task is now to sieve the soil so that it’s completely free of smaller rocks before you pour it into a narrow aperture.

Weirdly, I found it easiest to do this using one of those large blue IKEA bags. I sieved a little bit of soil directly into the blue bag. Lifting it by both handles helped to create a pouring lip large enough to tip the dirt into the small gap in a controlled fashion. If you do this carefully a little bit at a time then it also prevents a lot of soil landing in the pond.

Tidiest way to sieve soil - use an IKEA bag

Another reason for doing this slowly is that once the soil is in the gap, you have to somehow try and compact it with your hand to fill all those hollows that form part of the pond’s shape. Clever landscapers dig out their holes including shapes and shelves but that’s not a magic trick I’m familiar with so I’m having to do it a different way.

It’s important to ensure the pond is properly supported because once filled, the added weight of the water will put pressure on any unpropped plastic which may give rise to damage later on.

Gap round pond filled in with sieved soil

Hours of sieving later… Pond sides and hollows filled with beautifully fine, stone-free soil. I’ve very sore hands but a lovely svelte waistline from all this jiggling about. Hand sieving - wonder cure for muffin tops.

One bag of displaced dirt has miraculously disappeared only to be replaced by four sacks of stones. It’s a magic trick worthy of Paul Daniels or Jesus.

Is there no end to these stones?

BLACK HOLES

Whose idea was it to get a pond? Mine. Right. Well, in that case there’s nothing more to it but to roll up my sleeves and get digging.

I’ve been grubbing about in the dirt all week like a hyperactive mole in what can only be described as the black hell-hole of Chichester. The ground is as hard as concrete from lack of rain. There’s nothing but rocks in the soil and I mean lots and lots of the buggers. A stone slag heap hidden under the lawn.

It's taken a week to get this far

After a week of shovelling shit, I’ve filled three garden trugs with stones and three enormous dumpy bags with displaced earth. There are enough rocks to build a human sized cairn and yet I still haven’t gone down far enough for the pond to sit below the top level of the sleeper frame. It’s soul destroying.

Three of these full of stones

And three of these bags full of earth

My right forearm is so bruised, I’m surprised none of the neighbours have reported the other half for domestic abuse. Even under lashings of arnica cream it looks like an off-colour aubergine.

Just look at these bruises

My shoulders feel like an elephant sat on them and my back is consulting its union rep about possible strike action. When I set out on this hare-brained odyssey, I had no idea of the physical effort involved in digging out a gigantic hole in the garden.

Hats off to landscapers everywhere. What heroes!

DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN

Bertie is objecting to my use of the word ‘tabby’ to describe doddery old dears – says its ‘Catist.’ God, even the mog’s gone woke. What is this world coming to? Yes, I realise that cats can’t talk in real life but if they could, I’m sure that’s what they’d be saying and more.

These humans have no respect

Now that the Budget's been delivered and I'm supercharged from eating garlic flavoured gherkins plus I have the perfect frame to contain my pond, there’s the small matter of digging out a great big pond-shaped hole. Really not looking forward to this part of the project but it’s gotta be done.

Position pond within the frame then mark out its perimeter.

Mark out the shape of your pond

This is not as easy as it first sounds. I tried to do this with a weedy bamboo cane which barely scratched the surface of the rock-hard dirt then I used some stinky yellow line marking spray that dissolved my nasal lining. Not recommended especially without some kind of respiratory face protection. No doubt I’ll develop lung cancer or another equally hideous condition in the future for being so cavalier.

Eventually an outline is formed using a combination of hand trowel, smelly paint and stick which I can use as a guide for the outside edge of the hole.

Looks kinda like this

It’s now just a case of going all out Status Quo - down, down, deeper and down until you hit pay dirt, the height of the pond.

Can you dig it?  Yes you can!

GARLIC, GHERKINS & GAS

Well, well, well… This Halloween budget is turning into a financial spooktacular by all accounts. 

Has anyone else noticed that Horrible Healy bears an uncanny resemblance to another monster – Nosferatu? Dead ringer if you ask me. And whilst Nosferatu feasts on the blood of the innocent so too, the Chancellor.

Which one is a blood-sucking vampire?

Bad news for Nosferatu though – garlic’s getting cheaper. Great news for our household as being of Mediterranean extraction, I stick garlic in everything. And by the looks of things, I’ll be filling my Doomsday cupboard with gherkins, boiled sweets and kerosene ready for that apocalypse. Good move Healy since all these things probably have long sell by dates so should keep well in storage until the unseen foe strikes.

Not so good perhaps is your move to scrap gas standing charges although my cynical self suspects that this was always going to be on the cards somewhere down the line as part of the continued shift to electrification.

It’s the petrol/diesel scenario all over again. Diesel always demonised for its particulate emissions is by far a more economical fuel, giving greater mileage to the gallon than petrol. Having persuaded the nation to drive diesel, the Government then enables prices to go up at the pumps thus securing itself a nice little fuel duty nest egg as I expect most diesel drivers like me are reluctant to exchange their dirty little drives for an expensive, inefficient electric vehicle.

Same with natural gas. Gas boilers/cookers are by far more economical to run than their electric counterparts. Wholesale prices of gas are also cheaper than electricity. The Government knows this all too well but having given carte blanche to renewables, it must now create demand for electricity. After all, gas is a fossil fuel, it will kill the planet, blah, blah, blah. And so over time, gas storage facilities (holders) quietly disappear from our landscapes and hideous plots emerge to ban new domestic gas boilers.

Strangle supply, price it out of the market then punters will have no other choice but to plump for an alternative – in this case electricity. No choice, no contest.

Slight problem though. Gas has always been considerably cheaper for punters to use than electricity so like diesel drivers, most home owners are likely to be reluctant to switch to an expensive, inefficient heat pump.

There is also the issue that most net zero levies and other green energy costs are always lumped onto the electrical side of an energy bill rather than being split equally between gas and electricity.

Enter energy equalisation. Over time, expect the gas side of energy bills to continue to increase as the Government and Ofgem put in measures to re-balance things. I suspect this is what has prompted this gas ‘giveaway.’ Standing charges will disappear but consumption charges will continually increase. They’ve already put a toe in the water by making suppliers introduce no/low standing charge tariffs to see how things might work and also to satisfy complaints from low use energy customers.

Hmmm… I think whilst shovelling yogurt coated bran flakes laced with garlic into my mouth trying to stifle a cough at the same time so I don’t pebble-dash the laptop. As I’ve nothing better to do with my time these days then let’s just rifle through all those old energy bills to see how this proposed change might benefit.

Ooooh - don’t you just love early morning spreadsheets. Better than sex!

Let me start by putting some context around this Excel table that I’ve created to see whether I might be quids in or not.

I’m currently on a one-year fixed energy tariff with Octopus. I fixed my energy costs back in the summer in anticipation of the war in the Middle East dragging on and causing the same kind of disruption in the energy markets as the Ukrainian war. Probably just as well seeing as what might be coming down the price cap pipeline in January.

Looking at all my gas bills over the period October 2025 to October 2026, I paid a total of £104.39 in gas standing charges so if these are to be abolished then yippee! As luck would have it when I came to re-fix my energy back in July, the daily standing charge for gas dropped by 2.44p per day. However, gas consumption costs increased now making it slightly more expensive to shower, cook or heat the house.

Analysing my gas standing charges

When you compare the consumption rates and standing charges for gas to those of my electricity bill then you begin to realise how much more expensive it would be if we went fully electric.

My electricity standing charge is 15p per day more than gas. The difference in consumption charges is 17p. So, if the Government’s ultimate aim is to bring about equalisation in energy costs, then there will need to be a lot more increases on the gas side of the scales before it can balance out against electricity. The January price cap changes will provide the perfect opportunity for a good old gas price hike – blamed on war, of course.

Being on a fixed energy price tariff then I won’t find out until next summer what any new costs are likely to be but I better make sure I’m wearing a bubble-wrap cardi for when I fall off my chair in shock as it's sure to be a bloodsucker!