BELLS & WHISTLES

Big is beautiful. Or is it?

Back in January 2024 I put up a post relating to ‘shrinkflation’, the popular practice of making products smaller yet charging the same price for them but get this – there’s a new sheriff in town making BIG changes.

Living in a consumerist economy where you’re encouraged to buy, buy, buy means that retailers have to continually come up with cunning ways to part us from our cash. And the latest trend appears to be quite the opposite of ‘shrinkflation’ because instead of giving you less, you’re going to be paying lots more for a whole host of unnecessary bells and whistles or larger sizing.

This all became abundantly clear during the Easter break when I was searching for buns and eggs. Something strange going on here I thought as I perused supermarket shelves.

For example, let’s take the good old hot cross bun. For the past couple of years, I’ve noticed that boring old hot cross buns have been transitioning from what essentially was a simple currant brioche into a stylised poshed up tea-cake baked in a myriad of funky flavours.

Ugh! Why can’t they just leave these things alone? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! 

I don’t want chicken tikka/bubble gum flavoured buns costing £2 plus for a pack of four, I just want the old-fashioned variety to slot into the toaster then slather in butter for breakfast. I recall a few years ago, these currant buns could be bought in packs of six costing a quid now the price has doubled and so has the flavour profile.

And eggs. Don’t get me started on these as that’s a whole new ball game too. Why charge consumers a couple of quid for a plain one filled with a few smarties when for the price of a king’s ransom, you can flog them a ‘luxury’ egg the size of a watermelon in expensive looking packaging? The goose that laid these golden eggs allegedly made of ‘chocolate’ but with less cocoa in them than a bourbon biscuit is certainly fleecing its nest from gullibility.

Buns or chocolate eggs are not the only products being upsized in a bid to part us from our wonga because the eagle has also landed in the laundry basket in the form of Ariel’s Big One. Big mess? Big money. Why stick one ordinary sized pod into your washing machine when for a lot more cash, you could just pop in a bigger one costing double? Guaranteed to clean out mud, grass stains and your wallet all in one easy flick of the wrist.

Weirdly all this tinkering about in the detergent world has annoyed me so much that I’ve reverted back to good old fashioned wash powders. One scoop in the drawer, job’s a good ‘un. No fuss, no additional scent boosters, big ones or sickly-smelling glopping liquids that can be used at lower temperatures. Much more cost effective, less polluting/plastics so environmentally better.

I’m not convinced that washing dirty clothes in temperatures no warmer than a tepid cuppa is going to shift stubborn stains or germs. It’s a jolly hot soaking for the other half’s stinky socks, crusty smalls or sweaty bed sheets.

Super scrimpers beware of these artifices designed to trick you in buying stuff that doesn’t provide value for money. I stopped buying Easter eggs years ago, preferring instead to purchase chocolate bars costing the same but weighing more. Hot cross buns freeze well so buy when on a yellow-ticket price reduction then stick in the freezer until the Easter weekend.

And a bit like Christmas, it's sometimes best to defer your Easter celebrations until after the actual event because most shops sell any leftover chocolate eggs at reduced prices so you get more for your money.  

Remember, big is not always beautiful. Big can encourage wastage. Bells and whistles will cost more but won’t always be better. Buy only what you can afford and always look out for those pennies.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Woke up this morning to find that Ana Robic had paid us a midnight visit leaving behind a brightly coloured gift in the form of a food recycling bin. Animal, vegetable or mineral? Looks like a character out of Star Wars.

I come in peace

Not another bin! Just where do the Council expect residents to keep all these recycling receptacles? At this rate I’ll be charging them ground rent for my driveway. Pssst! Keep it to yourselves but I don’t actually keep my bins on the drive due to lack of space but have positioned them on the footpath by the front gate. My view is – council bins should sit on council property, not mine.

In Spain, households do not have their own personal set of waste collection bins. Instead, huge commercial type dumpsters are dotted around a neighbourhood on the street. Residents are expected to take out their crap and sort it on arrival at the recycling station according to whether it is glass, plastic packaging, paper/card, food or general waste.

Dumpster pilgrimages regularly take place because no-one wants a bin full of smelly rubbish cluttering up the kitchen. I know this because it was my job to take out half a dozen carrier bags of pre-sorted rubbish to feed to the dumpster dinosaurs near my parents house in El Rincon each afternoon before going off for my daily walk.

Somehow, I can't see this kind of system ever succeeding in lazy Britain where even clearing a table in McDonalds after chowing down on a smorgasbord of junk food is all too much for some peeps.

I’m all for food waste collecting because we rarely have scraps. I don’t peel veggies except onions and in a household of hungry hippos every last little bit is recycled in our bellies. Food waste is minimal. Brown bananas turned into delicious ‘nana’ bread, skins can be chopped into small pieces soaked in water to create liquid fertiliser which plants love. Stale bread saved for the birds.

However, it’s all well and good getting the population at large to donate all their peelings or parings but there’s little tangible benefit to us other than that warm fuzzy feeling that comes with doing something that in theory is going to ‘save our planet’.

Chichester District Council have been given around £1.7 million quid to spaff on a food recycling scheme at the Government’s behest. I consulted their website to find out what’s going to happen to anything I pop into my spangly new bin. Here’s what it said is going to happen to my food scraps:

Food waste that’s collected will go to an anaerobic digestion plant in Horsham. That’s nice, a scenic trip through beautiful South Downs countryside. Everyone loves a day out in the country including food waste. Benefits of recycling instantly wiped out by the carbon footprint of transport emissions.

Once in Horsham, leftovers will undergo a miraculous transformation into one of two things – fertiliser to help farmers grow crops or energy to power the plant. Do these processes create emissions? Not a mention on the website of impact to the planet of this conversion process.  Methane?  Phew!

The Council then went on to say that if there’s any extra energy, it will be sent to the national grid to power homes and business.

Sounds great. So, what’s in it for me? I grow veggies in my back garden. Perhaps if I rocked up in Horsham with a wheelbarrow some of that fabulous fertiliser could be given back to the community for free. And what about all that lovely leccy going back to the grid? Any chance of some kind of recycling discount on my energy bill for contributing to the nation’s power supply? Don't be daft.

I suppose the Council will sell both the fertiliser and extra energy, pocketing the proceeds yet keeping our council tax bills at the now extortionate band D rate of £2,400 per annum.

In addition to there being zero tangible financial benefit to compensate contributors of free food waste, it appears I have to buy my own compostable bin liners for the small kitchen caddy. The cheek of it! 

When I lived in Bournemouth, the local council provided replacement rolls of liners FREE OF CHARGE. So, not only am I paying for this service out of increased council tax charges but it’s also going to cost me to keep the bin from getting skanky.

Are you calling me a skank?

Whilst it’s not compulsory to actually use the bins, I can see this being dismissed as an additional faff by the average household who certainly aren’t going to be too happy at shelling out continually for bin liners. I mean, who’s going to remember to add these to the weekly shopping list? It’s bad enough having to buy compostable poo bags for cat turds.

My name's not Mr Jinx

Saving the planet with one hand, killing it by filling the atmosphere with emissions and landscapes with non-biodegradable plastic bins. That’s the ridiculousness of green policies for you!

NANASAURUS

Now that I don’t have work to worry about, I’ve volunteered to look after my darling grandson for a week during the school holiday break.

The little munchkin is now a ‘3-nager’ as my daughter puts it. You guessed – defiant, loud, stroppy, bossy and with an appetite to rival that of a giant panda so I’ve already come up with a cunning plan to make sure the little monster is properly worn out at the end of each day.

This miniature dynamo switches from boy to dinosaur, notably T-Rex, when you least expect it. I’ve been warned not to be shocked by loud roaring, stomping or attempts to ‘eat me’ as that’s what apex prehistoric predators do even to their grandparents.

I may be long in the tooth but I can still do Jurassic. Nanasaurus has bought herself a few silicone moulds in the shape of dinosaurs to make some yummy treats for visiting toddlers.

First stop – Lakeland. Silicone mould featuring 12 mini dino-sized creatures costing £2.99. Perfect for making mini chocolate monsters.

Lakeland silicone dinosaur mould

Here’s how to rustle up the perfect Jurassic treat for your little darlings:

Place your silicone mould on a metal baking tray.

Prepare everything before melting the chocolate

Melt around 150g of chocolate in a bowl over a pan of boiling water (or microwave in short bursts). I’ve not used any expensive fancy cooking chocolate, just a couple of bars of the cheapest supermarket stuff I could find for this experiment.

Take care not to let water get into your chocolate mix

Leave liquid chocolate to cool slightly then fill your mould either using a teaspoon or by using a plastic piping bag with the tip cut off. I found the piping bag method less messy than a spoon plus it enabled me to get right into those tiny silicone nooks and crannies.

Tala plastic piping bags.

Give the chocolate filled mould a few taps to disperse any air bubbles and level off the filling.

Fill then tap mould to disperse air bubbles

Put tray and mould in the fridge for a couple of hours to allow the chocolate to set.

Once fully set, carefully push the little dinosaurs out of their silicone settings. Don’t over handle the figures as I found these melted in your fingers quite quickly.

Pop into a plastic container to store in the fridge until needed.

Just look at how cute these little dinos are! Almost too good to eat.

These look roarsome!

Planning to have a go at making a few with white chocolate just to see how they compare to these dark choco ones.

To make our Jurassic treat even more fun, I'm going to hold our very own archaeological dig by hiding some mini chocolate or cookie dinosaurs in a small box/tray covered over with soil (grated chocolate). Won't it be great to watch your little one uncovering these tasty fossils with a small brush like a real paleontologist.  Steven Spielberg eat your heart out.

Can’t wait to try this out on my grandson later this week.  

Who says grandparents can't be roarsome!

SLICING & DICING

Five weeks have passed and there’s still a war on.

Increases in wholesale oil prices have so far only trickled down to petrol pumps but it won’t be long before those same increased fuel costs are making their way into food prices so I’m slicing and dicing my way to victory.  

Here's my super trooper cost of living tip to help you all save some wonga during these hard times.

My ears pricked up at hearing a recent radio advert for cut price veggies being offered in time for Easter celebrations. Super Scrimpers everywhere - rally the troops. Now! It’s time for a supermarket assault. Breaking news - carrots, parsnips and swedes all 4p per pack. FOUR pence. It costs more to use a public convenience!

Not quite on the same level as liberating the Strait of Hormuz I agree but my price-busting military coup costing £2.24p has resulted in a mega haul of 2 kg of carrots, 1 kg of parsnips and 2 fat swedes. My raid also included a couple of bags of tatties (spuds) at £1 per bag. Doesn’t sound like much but believe me, once frozen this little lot should be enough to feed two people for a good few months thus saving the pennies if food prices go up.

Gone mad buying veggies

Root vegetables are incredibly versatile so worth buying for storage. Think roast dinner accompaniments, wholesome soups, casseroles, mashed up or even baked into delicious cakes. Yep, you can actually make parsnip cake.

Now for the hard part – the slicing and dicing. In order to reap the long-term veggie victory benefits, everything has to be chopped, boiled, dried then frozen.

Blanching fresh root vegetables is easy peasy and doesn’t take long so not much gas used.

Top and tail the carrots and parsnips. I don’t bother peeling them just give them a good wash/scrub in the sink beforehand. Cut carrots into slices and parsnips into batons.

Blanched parsnip pieces

Heat a pan of lightly salted water until it comes to a good rolling boil then drop in your veg. Take care. Splashed hot water burns like hell. Boil only for 2 minutes then drain in a colander.

Spread the slightly boiled veg onto a tray then leave on one side until completely dry.

Two kilos of carrots is a lot of carrot

Once dry, place veg into clear plastic bags or containers and straight into the freezer. Label and date.

Same process applies to blanching swedes except that these are peeled and cubed before boiling. Swedes are tough to cut so use a large sharp knife taking care not to cube up a few digits whilst you’re at it. I’m using this lovely machete purchased from IKEA for this, cuts through anything – swedes, chicken bones, red tape. You name it.

Blimey - have you got a licence for that blade?

Spuds can be stored away in a cool, dark, dry place for a couple of months. The Ancient Mariner sticks his in his garden shed but mine are secreted away in my understairs Doomsday cupboard. Open the bags to prevent the spuds sweating or rotting. They may get rooty but don’t let that put you off. There is nothing wrong with eating rooty taters, after all you get to peel them first.

Going back to my roots

Having slaved away all morning over a steamy pan of boiling veggies, I can now relax with a cuppa and think of how many extra chocolate eggs I can buy once Easter is over with all that money saved.

One for you and six more for me

Happy Easter!