DORA - THE NHS CARE EXPLORER

Artificial Intelligence – the best thing since sliced bread. Or is it?

Because when a robotic assistant is designated to conduct telephone follow up appointments as described in this front-page tabloid article then you do wonder where it will all end for the human race.

Telegraph - Front Page 6 Nov 2026

I’m sure Dora, the new NHS Care Explorer will be specially programmed so she won’t have the bedside manner of Marvin, the paranoid android. But will she be able to deal with all our patient niggles without sounding like she’s reading from a teleprompter?

See, I’ve already fallen into the trap of calling it a ‘she’ when in fact Dora is but a collection of 1s and 0s or whatever programming language they use these days. It’s an algorithm not a person. Not even a nurse or healthcare practitioner – it’s basically a terminator in scrubs.

Yeah, I can just imagine my be-fuddled mama having a conversation with Dora about her diabetes. Will Dora be intelligent enough to spot that diabetes isn’t the only thing this octogenarian suffers from? Perhaps Dora be programmed to dismiss repetition, rambling or all that other random stuff that oldies usually trot out in conversations which we choose to politely ignore with a benevolent, understanding smile.

I ask myself – is this truly what my hard-earned taxpayer cash is being spent on? And to what end? I’m guessing Dora will replace a number of nurses or other NHS staff usually paid to carry out such phone calls thus generating a saving on health care budgets but at what cost to the patient? Is Dora also going to update patient records following calls? Will Dora also liaise with other health care teams if she feels the patient warrants further attention or deems their condition has worsened? Just how far will Dora be allowed to go?

Telephone consultations is just the beginning. I’ve no doubt that if this is crowned a success, the NHS will go further in the digitalisation of its services, birthing an AI monster destined to run riot when it decides to over-ride its programming and prescribes compulsory euthanasia to end all human suffering. This being the most logical and ultimate cure for sickness or other debilitating (expensive) conditions Dr AI might have to treat.

We’ve recently seen or heard about digital dependency and what happens when that drug of choice disappears. Just ask all those GP surgeries whose online booking systems tanked due to the failure of the company providing them. Where is a skilled telephonist when you need one? Probably working at McDonalds.

As I’ve said many a time before on this blog, yet another artificial barrier neatly inserted between patient and healthcare provider. In years to come, we may never get to see or speak to a REAL human doctor because they’ll have all been replaced by future AI ‘Doras’.

For as long as I live, these blog posts will NEVER be produced artificially so be thankful that there's a real person on the other end of this keyboard.

HOLED OUT

I can’t dig any more. No really, if I do my body will be so broken that even Dr Gaffer won’t be able to stick me back together again.

So, this is it. This is where the pond will sit inside the frame. It could have been lower but no, enough is enough!

That's it - no more digging

There’s a giant hole in the ground almost half a metre deep. It is pond shaped or thereabouts. If it’s good enough for you then it’s good enough for me.

That's one deep hole

Remarkably level too considering I didn’t use any measuring gauges or other devices to determine the flatness of the pit’s bottom. Place pond in hole then use a long spirit level to make sure it’s not on the piss. Bubble looks dead centre. Perfect!

Check pond is level

Even though my new pond cost nothing, I don’t want to risk any damage to either bottom or sides so I’ve laid out a layer of surplus roofing membrane across the bottom of the hole then covered it with a thick stratum of fine building sand to prevent any missed stones piercing the plastic. A nice cushion for it to sit on.

Using up leftovers

Nice thick layer of sand on top of the membrane

Carefully lower pond into its final resting place and again, check that it is all level. Looks great!

Pond laid to rest

But it doesn’t end there because some of what’s come out has to go back in to plug the gaps between the side of the pond and the trench. You’ve got to be kidding, right? ‘Fraid not.

And this is why you need to save all that displaced soil when you’re digging out holes. The task is now to sieve the soil so that it’s completely free of smaller rocks before you pour it into a narrow aperture.

Weirdly, I found it easiest to do this using one of those large blue IKEA bags. I sieved a little bit of soil directly into the blue bag. Lifting it by both handles helped to create a pouring lip large enough to tip the dirt into the small gap in a controlled fashion. If you do this carefully a little bit at a time then it also prevents a lot of soil landing in the pond.

Tidiest way to sieve soil - use an IKEA bag

Another reason for doing this slowly is that once the soil is in the gap, you have to somehow try and compact it with your hand to fill all those hollows that form part of the pond’s shape. Clever landscapers dig out their holes including shapes and shelves but that’s not a magic trick I’m familiar with so I’m having to do it a different way.

It’s important to ensure the pond is properly supported because once filled, the added weight of the water will put pressure on any unpropped plastic which may give rise to damage later on.

Gap round pond filled in with sieved soil

Hours of sieving later… Pond sides and hollows filled with beautifully fine, stone-free soil. I’ve very sore hands but a lovely svelte waistline from all this jiggling about. Hand sieving - wonder cure for muffin tops.

One bag of displaced dirt has miraculously disappeared only to be replaced by four sacks of stones. It’s a magic trick worthy of Paul Daniels or Jesus.

Is there no end to these stones?

BLACK HOLES

Whose idea was it to get a pond? Mine. Right. Well, in that case there’s nothing more to it but to roll up my sleeves and get digging.

I’ve been grubbing about in the dirt all week like a hyperactive mole in what can only be described as the black hell-hole of Chichester. The ground is as hard as concrete from lack of rain. There’s nothing but rocks in the soil and I mean lots and lots of the buggers. A stone slag heap hidden under the lawn.

It's taken a week to get this far

After a week of shovelling shit, I’ve filled three garden trugs with stones and three enormous dumpy bags with displaced earth. There are enough rocks to build a human sized cairn and yet I still haven’t gone down far enough for the pond to sit below the top level of the sleeper frame. It’s soul destroying.

Three of these full of stones

And three of these bags full of earth

My right forearm is so bruised, I’m surprised none of the neighbours have reported the other half for domestic abuse. Even under lashings of arnica cream it looks like an off-colour aubergine.

Just look at these bruises

My shoulders feel like an elephant sat on them and my back is consulting its union rep about possible strike action. When I set out on this hare-brained odyssey, I had no idea of the physical effort involved in digging out a gigantic hole in the garden.

Hats off to landscapers everywhere. What heroes!

DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN

Bertie is objecting to my use of the word ‘tabby’ to describe doddery old dears – says its ‘Catist.’ God, even the mog’s gone woke. What is this world coming to? Yes, I realise that cats can’t talk in real life but if they could, I’m sure that’s what they’d be saying and more.

These humans have no respect

Now that the Budget's been delivered and I'm supercharged from eating garlic flavoured gherkins plus I have the perfect frame to contain my pond, there’s the small matter of digging out a great big pond-shaped hole. Really not looking forward to this part of the project but it’s gotta be done.

Position pond within the frame then mark out its perimeter.

Mark out the shape of your pond

This is not as easy as it first sounds. I tried to do this with a weedy bamboo cane which barely scratched the surface of the rock-hard dirt then I used some stinky yellow line marking spray that dissolved my nasal lining. Not recommended especially without some kind of respiratory face protection. No doubt I’ll develop lung cancer or another equally hideous condition in the future for being so cavalier.

Eventually an outline is formed using a combination of hand trowel, smelly paint and stick which I can use as a guide for the outside edge of the hole.

Looks kinda like this

It’s now just a case of going all out Status Quo - down, down, deeper and down until you hit pay dirt, the height of the pond.

Can you dig it?  Yes you can!