CABINET CABERNET

2025 is a very good vintage, that is if your grapevines haven’t withered away in these sub-tropical temperatures.  However, it’s not all sour grapes this year.

We often say ‘can’t complain’ when talking weather but what we really mean is we’re going to endlessly crap on about all things climatic until the cows come home. Come on, this is Britain after all and complaining is another thing on the list of stuff we’re good at. When moaning becomes an Olympic sport, Britain will top the medals table.

But if you have managed to squeeze a few barrels of vino out of your vineyard then you’re going to need a fitting place in which to show off your bottles of homemade plonk. Like one of my beautifully upcycled vintage cabinets.

‘I thought you said no more cabinets’ muttered the other half gingerly tiptoeing round the array of paint pots, brushes and rolls of wallpaper scattered across the lounge floor once more. Yeah, I may have said that yonks ago but then again ….

Rachel from Accounts is not the only one splashing cash harvested from the magical money tree growing in the garden of No 11. I’ve spent the princely sum of £5 on yet another piece of old tat that caught my eye in Chi’s local Heart Foundation Shop. What a bargain! Definitely cheaper than the recent acquisition of British Steel or French gendarmerie paid to patrol Normandy beaches.

Vintage cabinet bargain at £5

This latest cabinet acquisition will be an upcycling challenge for me since it has not one section to wallpaper but two being a unique triangular shape.

Roomy interior 

Overall, the cabinet is in relatively good condition for its age except for the damaged veneered edge on the top. Not skilled enough to attempt a repair to the original veneer then my plan is to very carefully cut the broken sections out to create a new edging strip along the outer edge of the top piece.

Damaged veneer on the front edge

Using a very sharp thin bladed scalpel, carefully score a fine line on the veneer where you wish to cut. Don’t drag the blade backwards and forwards and this might splinter the remaining veneer. Repeat your cut in the same direction until you reach the wood under the veneer then using the flat edge of the blade, slowly lift away the veneer bit by bit.

Carefully removing some veneer to create an edging strip

The internet recommends using heat guns or steam irons and wet cloths to soften the underlying adhesive which then enables veneer to be easily removed. However, as I’m only removing a very small section then to prevent damaging the rest of the top section, I’ve decided not to use these methods but instead go my own way.

Once the wood underneath is fully exposed, the edging strip can be sanded then prepared for painting.

Edge ready to prepare for decorating

Having previously refurbished three vintage cabinets then it didn’t take long to prime up the main body, paint it with furniture paint and apply two strips of wallpaper to the interior of each side.

Primed using Zinsser Bin primer

2 x coats of 'Milltown' furniture paint

I’m using some of my leftover Holden Lemurs wallpaper in teal for the interior and paired this up with a furniture paint called ‘Milltown’ purchased from B&Q. The teal background colour of the wallpaper is an almost perfect match for this shade of paint.

Holden's Lemur wallpaper in teal colour

Tropical interior and lemur sanctuary

Once again, I’ve painted the cabinet legs in a metallic gold colour. The lemur wallpaper has many colours in it that could have been used as an accent colour for the legs such as vibrant pink, bright turquoise blue or even black to blend your design in with the actual lemurs. There’s a lot you can do artistically with this type of wallpaper as your background.

Gold painted legs

Fortunately, the cabinet door is pretty intact, no broken glass panels, missing keys or damaged locks which means little extra work plus lot of original features that can be kept. I like to retain some of the original character of each cabinet I upcycle so this time, I’ll be keeping the outer vertical bar unpainted as the veneered finish on it is very good. The remaining door edges will be painted, all inner borders picked out in metallic gold.

My four-legged assistant oversees door painting

So far so good. Now it’s time to rip off my clothes, stand naked in front of the oscillating table top fan whilst licking a cornetto in a bid to cool off my fevered blogging brow as it’s swelteringly hot in Chi-biza. Bollocks - the chocolate’s melted onto my boobies. What a messy bugger!

IN A FIX

Energy – one of my pet peeves which like the NHS is guaranteed to have me ranting in 60 seconds’ flat.

What now? Groans the other half, rolling his eyes to the heavens and tactically taking refuge behind his motor racing magazine. He knows better than to try to get a word in when the energy touch paper’s been lit.

So, the Government’s latest wheeze is to reduce energy standing charges for thousands of businesses. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c1ljnrrmd7jo

Oh, that’s a good one. I haven’t laughed as much in years. But wait, doesn’t that mean we’ll all have to pay higher standing charges in order to subsidise this business benefit?

Ha, ha, ha – yes it does she says with tears of laughter falling down her cheeks. Plus there’s likely to be an extra sneaky levy added to cover payments to EDF for the new Sizewell nuclear reactor, energy unit costs guaranteed by our Government for the next 35 years. Chortle, chortle - Oh you’re killing me! 

Or the claw back from energy suppliers from us muppets for the extended Warmer Homes Discount to all on benefits – LOL that’s just tooooo much! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!  Priceless!

Best joke in ages

It’s no wonder the UK has the highest energy bills than anywhere else on the planet because every time someone sneezes in the Energy sector, the cost is stealthily added to standing charges. Don’t even mention the words ‘Net Zero’ in my presence, you might suddenly find your brakes failing on the M27.

WE. WILL. NEVER. GET. REDUCED. BILLS. I am shouting this out loud at the screen because it not only makes me feel good but because if you believe all the empty promises about cheaper energy in the future then you need a lobotomy. Not going to happen. Ever.

This latest ploy coupled with the most recent global conflict has had me fleeing to the sanctuary of a fixed energy tariff something I haven’t had to do in years. Sorry but I can’t wait until Ofgem’s reduced price-cap kicks in next month or until Israel/Iran kiss and make up, I’m fixing my prices now so that I can forget all this shit for another 12 months.

I’ve discovered that Octopus, my new energy supplier, allows punters to change from their existing fixed tariff plan to a new deal mid contract with no exit penalties applied. Tariff hopping here I come!

I love pink octopuses!

If I wait until October when my current fix runs out, oil prices might have gone through the roof and so might standing charges; stuff guaranteed to pump up inflation, prices and interest rates. I’m jumping ship now whilst it’s still afloat as Octopus’s latest 12-month fix offers me lower consumption rates and daily standing charge fees than what I’m currently on.

I urge you to check your latest bill then get a quote from Octopus or any other supplier offering a yearly fix to see if rates are cheaper than what you’re on. Better to fix now before Labour come up with any more ridiculous policies guaranteed to bump up your bills.

It's great to see the Government supporting businesses but just de-couple the price of electricity from gas then we could ALL enjoy cheaper energy!!!

LEADING LIGHT

Killing time waiting for the sparky to come and fit the super-duper new ceiling light purchased for the downstairs loo.

After hours of fruitless searching, I’d struggled to find something practical yet different to light up our new loo so I bought a boring set of chrome spotlights but then weeks later I had a cyber moment that changed all that.

Randomly surfing the web of an evening as you do, I came across this delightful ceiling light. It’s called a Hinkley Somerset globe ceiling light with a flushed mount in a heritage brass colour and a milky glass shade. Perfect.

Hinkley Somerset ceiling light in heritage brass colour

This fabulous ceiling light should co-ordinate nicely with all the other gold-coloured accessories/pipework plus I think it will also compliment my Metropolis posters having a bit of a modern but vintage feel to it.

New home for my old Metropolis movie inspired posters

Even though our cloakroom ceiling is the size of a postage stamp, this lovely light doesn’t look out of place or dwarf the area. 

Neatly fits into small spaces

It's always a good idea to keep everything in proportion when coming up with interior designs to prevent any one fixture dominating the overall finished effect.

Looks great near the posters

Our next full length feature film - The Plumber Always Rings Twice.

AVENUES & ALLEYWAYS

Does your front garden smell like a tramp’s urinal? Do you wrinkle your nose as you pass the petunias on the way to the front door? Banish those nasty niffs of dog walker turd bags, half eaten takeaways or next door’s bonfire with a squirt of whole driveway deodorant. Comes with a Useless Product guarantee, refills at £200 per can (excluding postage) and high toxicity warning. Clears odours effectively, kills everything else in a 3-mile radius.

Just thought I’d have a go at inventing my own un-necessary product while waiting out the midday sun in this rather unexpected heatwave.

According to the Met Office, if you have 3 or more consecutive days of temperatures above a specific threshold then it’s technically classed as a heatwave. So, using that logic does that mean if you have 3 or more consecutive days of Government bullshit is that then classed as a Shitwave? Hmmm. Yes or No?

Anyhow, we’re not here to talk politics – it’s far too hot for that. I’m here to tell you about the transformation of my side alleyway from spartan wind tunnel into verdant paradise and share tips on how this was achieved on a very shoe string budget.

When we moved our side gate forward at the end of last year, it created a rather long and spartan looking wind tunnel along the length of the house. It looked dreadfully bare and devoid of greenery but with a bit of imagination and some super scrimping, this tunnel is now a small paradise.  Here’s how you can pimp up your alleyway.

Space is always going to be at a premium in an alleyway that’s only 1.4 metres wide so it’s a case of thinking upwards rather than outwards and that’s where the power of Poundland comes in.

Never underestimate the bargains that can be had in the gardening section of Poundland where you can often find wall pots or hanging baskets at a fraction of the price than a posher garden centre. I chanced upon these grey half-moon planters for £1 each.

Poundland planters perfect for growing strawberries

Deep enough to plant a couple of strawberry plants in each or some colourful trailing basket plants.

Dot them on your walls to add colour

Simply a case of drilling a hole in the wall, these planters have a handy groove in the back that neatly slots onto a fat screw head.

Reduces the impact of ugly pipes

I’ve used wall hung planters to minimise the ugliness of the peeling asbestos waste pipes as we cannot scrape the paint off (health hazard) and replacing them is way down the list of DIY projects.

Perfect fit between two pipes

Planters and a few strategically placed pots around the gas meter box have helped to frame it better making it look less utility and more Chelsea Flower show.

Less utility, more Chelsea flower show

Use surplus timber planks, pallets or wood that can be treated with outdoor paint, stain or varnish to make long narrow planters. The other half excels at knocking these up from DIY project leftovers. 

Planters made from surplus decking planks

There are always people looking to get rid of old pallets on community groups such as Nextdoor so if you’re lucky then you may be able to bag these free of charge. Free paint can now be found at many local recycling centres or do what I do and look in B&Qs bargain bucket. It may not be your colour but it does the trick at half the price!

Planters are great for growing alleyway mangetout peas

After waterproofing your planters with a couple of coats of exterior paint make sure you line the insides with a nice bit of plastic. Super scrimper gardeners like me use empty compost bags for this. Made out of thick plastic, compost bags can be ripped apart then stapled to the inside of a planter to protect the interior and help retain moisture that might otherwise be sucked away by bare timber.

Baby peas

have become monsters

I collect all my old compost bags ready to use not just as planter liners but also to line large pots too like this lovely plastic planter I bought from a local Charity shop. My bay tree has put on loads of growth since I potted it up into its new home.

Green pot - Cancer Research Shop

And on the subject of Charity shops, these are a good place to source cheap decorative bits and bobs to brighten up your walls or fences. I managed to source this lovely garden mirror for £2 from our local Stonepillow shop, reduced price because its backing board was broken. The other half carefully removed the ripped piece of thick card replacing it with a shaped piece of plywood. Hey presto, new mirror.

Charity shop ornaments

I like to jazz up my homemade wooden planters with hearts to showcase my love of gardening. You can often pick up ornamental hearts on your charity shop travels along with bird cages, paintings, ceramic plates, etc. Pretty much anything can be turned into a garden ornament with a coat of clear exterior yacht varnish to protect it from the elements.

Decorate your planters with love

I waterproof canvas prints in this manner to turn them into outdoor art for the patio. Two coats of varnish will keep them from getting soggy or sun-bleached.

Outdoor garden art gallery

When you’re browsing round car boot fairs or charity shops, keep an eye out for unwanted towel rails as these make perfect wall pot hangers. Here’s what we did with our old kitchen towel rail and a few hanging pots from Poundland. Once it held tea towels now it’s going to become a home for more strawberry plants. Being narrow, towel rails screw easily onto the tops of fence panels.

Old towel rails make great pot hangers

Recycling centres, neighbourhood websites such as Facebook, Nextdoor or Gumtree are a good place to find unwanted plant pots or garden stuff on the cheap. Prolific gardeners always have a surplus supply of plant pots and sometimes unwanted plants too especially if they’ve grown their flowers or veg from seed.

Top tip to source cheap plants – some garden centres such as Hilliers have end of season plant sales where many specimen plants such as roses or rhododendrons are sold off to clear the shelves for new stock. Find out whether your local garden centre does this then you can acquire bigger plants for a fraction of the price.

Most garden centres and even places such as B&Q also have a clearance section where you can source plants for as little as a £1 per pot. Last year I bought about 6 pots of reduced priced cannas at £2 each from B&Q and they’re now growing like weeds in my front garden’s raised flower bed. Just because it might look half dead doesn’t mean it is.

Other good sources of cheap plants: car boot or community summer fairs, your neighbours for free cuttings or seeds. Or if you have a bit of bare faced cheek, local parks where you can harvest free seeds from dried flower heads that the council haven’t cut. The Ancient Mariner propagated loads of agapanthus plants from free seeds acquired by my brother on his way to work from parks or gardens on route. I’m not advocating wholesale vandalism here but you can to a degree be a bit creative as to sourcing plants.

I hope this post has inspired you all to look at your back passage in a new light. Often forgotten, overlooked or unloved, an alleyway does have the potential to be turned into a small piece of paradise without breaking the bank.