PRIME SUSPECT

I’ve been away for one week and look what’s happened - the Government’s imploded! Collapsed in on itself like a deflated bouncy castle. What’s this country coming to?

Not-quite-out-on-his-ear Keir is yet to set out his resignation timeline but his days are clearly numbered. More’s the pity as although he’s got the personality of a cardboard cut-out, what this country needs is a steady, boring type at the helm and not some gobshite renegade that will further trash our already precarious economy. If he goes, the chancellor is sure to follow as her popularity is on a par with gloopy semolina pudding.

In bygone times, your neck would have been on the block

Given the choice of the three successor stooges available – Rayner, Streeting, Burnham; a combination that sounds like a firm of dodgy accountants, I can’t see anything but a titanic disaster coming our way. Get your lifejackets ready for the autumn budget. It’s going to be a choppy ride.

Politics has become like football with prime ministers or premiership managers ten-a-penny. What’s needed to stabilise the state of this flailing nation is consistency, not continual leadership changes or in-party bickering. It’s the Tories all over again!

And as for that Zack Polanski, don’t get me started. There’s not enough cyber space available to fill with my thoughts on his crazy policies particularly those on illegal migration. 

Yeah Zack, let’s just open the floodgates to every Tom, Dick or Harry who wants to fleece the taxpayer of every hard-earned penny. We’ll give them all a big welcoming lily liberal hug then shower them with free taxis, hotels, healthcare, etc, etc. Then we can all stand back to watch as this island slowly sinks to the bottom of the Channel under the weight of over-population. Over my dead body. Vote Green? I’d rather pull my intestines out through my belly button!

It’s going to be an interesting political summer for sure. However, of greater importance are my veggies or rather, lack of. Has anyone else noticed that seeds this year are not germinating very well? Even the Ancient Mariner whose fingers are a damned sight greener than Zack is struggling to make any sense of the non-appearance of his runner beans.

Only 4 bean seeds have germinated

My dwarf beans have failed to materialise and the tomatoes I have managed to get to germinate are struggling to say the least. What pathetic specimens! 

Why aren't my tomatoes growing?

The only thing that’s gotten off to a good start are the carrots and chard which are happily thriving outside.

Carrots doing well

Hate to say it but my guess is that this situation is largely due to that awful peat-free compost we’ve been forced to buy in the interests of saving the planet. I’m now mixing my compost with either top soil or soil from the garden in a bid to try to improve growing capability.

I've stuck some new seeds into a tray of dirt positioned on a sunny windowsill. Let’s see if this next lot of beans will do any better now that I’m back to nurture them into existence.

MALTESERS

Strike a pose, I feel another holiday snap coming on!

Valletta

With the end of our trip looming, there’s just one last opportunity to savour all those wonderful Maltese delights. Those delicious local biscuits, pastizzis or rabbit spaghetti – yes, cute little bunnies are a staple on restaurant menus. Yum!

Scrummy Maltese biscuits

One last ferry trip, this time across the harbour to Sliema. My advice; don’t bother unless you like sleazy looking seafront pubs that offer an all-day-long happy hour.

You've got to be kidding!

Sliema waterfront

Sliema is like a Maltese Magaluf. And any place that has a shopping mall where you have to pay 1 euro to spend a penny is definitely not on my ‘must see’ list. Been there, didn’t like it.

Back in Valletta…

OMG! Is that what I think it is?

At last - the Maltese Falcon

Looks like a golden falcon perched on top of a very long pole. No wonder, we couldn’t find it as you rarely look up when sightseeing. I can now tick Maltese Falcon off my grockle list.

Time to re-visit Café Cordina (Republic Street) for one more decadently gorgeous cake. This beautiful café is top of my Valletta ‘go to’ list as their interior is lovely and their cakes are to die for.

Green marzipan cassata cake and tiramisu

Cafe Cordina

And now it’s back to packing up suitcases ready for that crack of dawn flight back to Blighty.  Anything to declare?  A case full of tacky fridge magnets, nougat bars, dirty looking suntan and an expanded waistline.  

Winging it back home

MARSAXLOKK

Have bus will travel. Valletta’s biggest advantage for visitors is its amazingly large bus depot just outside the city walls with buses running to almost every part of Malta.

Their public transportation system is simple – just one national company charging a flat fare of 2.5 euros per journey regardless of how far you want to travel. In the winter months, fares drop to 2 euros per journey. The bus company offers a range of travel cards for a set price. For 21 euros, you can have unlimited travel for 7 days and for 19 euros, you can buy a 12 trip card that has no time limits making the odd adhoc journey economical too. 

The UK might have benefitted from a similar arrangement rather than leaving it all to a load of different private operators all thinking of profit rather than an effective national transportation policy.

19 euro travel card

With this system in place, car ownership suddenly becomes less important which is just as well judging by the narrow streets in most towns/villages. There’s limited parking in most places and I can’t see how driving those fashionable Chelsea tractors that everyone likes to own these days would really work on roads barely wide enough for the bin lorry.

Who'd have a car in Malta?

This simple public transport system is perfect for island exploration. Many beautiful towns or villages are only a short 30-40 minute bus ride from Valletta such as the picturesque fishing village of Marsaxlokk.

Beautiful Marsaxlokk

A sheltered inner harbour is filled with colourful traditional Maltese luzzi boats.

Luzzi boats

Beautiful flower filled doorways or decorated balconies make me long for my garden. I expect my veggies are frazzling away un-watered all the time I’m swanning around the Med.

Love those planters

What a lovely doorway

There’s a large seafront promenade which starts off empty but gradually fills with restaurant tables and umbrellas as the day goes on.

Early morning on the prom

Seafood is the most popular offering on most menus; everything from mussels, octopus, calamari to tuna or swordfish steaks. And all reasonably priced too. I had a tuna steak as big as half a dinner plate and it only cost 18 euros. (Café de Paris) Bloody tasty!

The pace of life in Marsaxlokk is far more tranquil than in Valletta. For starters, there appear to be a lot less grockles milling about so you can actually relax and not have to spend the day dodging elbows, backpacks or phombies.

Tourist free facade

As well as looking out for the tourists, it seems locals are also taking care of waifs and strays. Just look at this marvellous little kitty holiday complex. It’s located at the far end of the harbour almost opposite the tourist information office.

Kitty holiday homes

A row of small wooden huts so moggies can take a relaxing siesta away from the hot sun. I’m sure Bertie would have loved curling up in one of these moggy mansions.

Hello kitty

If I’d done my pre-holiday homework, I might have been tempted to base myself somewhere quieter like Marsaxlokk then travel into Valletta which can be visited almost in a day. Something worth considering if you are thinking of taking a trip to Malta particularly if you hate crowds.

Marsaxlokk harbour

MDINA - THE SILENT CITY

It can hardly be called The Silent City when every nook and cranny is filled with the babble of noisy, phone wielding grockles. 

OMG - more grockles!

Like Valletta, visiting Mdina is all about timing since it’s another favourite of cruise ships or coach parties. Don’t leave it to the weekend. Get there either very early in the morning or late afternoon.

Very pretty

The quietest place in town are the Catacombs, ancient underground burial chambers hewn from rock of which there are many to explore if you like running round dark, chilly grave sites. The only thing you can hear is the sound of a mobile phone smashing against the stone floor as punters scramble around the uneven dimly lit crypts.

Exploring the catacombs in Rabat

Wow, these burial chambers are so cool

St Agatha’s Catacombs opposite the larger St Paul’s catacomb complex are well worth the 5 EUR entry ticket not only because of the charismatic tour guide but because there are actual bones laid in some of the graves. Come on, you can’t beat skeletal remains when it comes to ghoulish appeal.

Underground church in St Agatha's catacombs

Double bubble for me as there is also an interesting museum probably housing Malta’s largest collection of rocks. Perfect pebbles, yay! 

Madonna of the perfect pebble

Makes my fossil/pebble collection look feeble in comparison. And of course, there are also bones…

Remains found in the catacombs

Whilst all the pretty young influencers are posing on the ancient fortified parapets, we’re continuing on our gruesome tour of Mdina with a visit to the underground Dungeons.

Mdina fortifications

Here you’ll find a series of horrible histories from bubonic plague to Spanish Inquisition and all manner of hideous tortures in between.

Gruesome torture tableux

Still on the NHS waiting list

Mdina Dungeons - a horrible bit of fun

Including some interesting head gear called Masks of Shame. There’s a lot we could learn from history and I can definitely see a role for these in modern times.

Masks of shame - if the cap fits...

Basically, transgressors are made to wear a mask befitting of the crime committed. Male chauvinist? You get a pig mask. Spreading malicious gossip? Poking your nose into people’s business? Stirring up trouble? There’s a natty little number to fit the bill. 

Maybe we could design a few to cover today’s hate crimes such as internet trolling. Imagine having to wear a troll mask for a week in public – oh the shame of it!

There’s something for everyone in Mdina – interesting little alleyways, a splash of greenery, wonderful architecture and of course, a fabulous cathedral.

Even more stunning than the one in Valletta

Wonderful architecture

An outdoor garden - Malta style

Would you believe it but behind the cathedral, down one of those narrow streets, I actually stumbled across the equivalent of a Maltese charity shop. This wonderful emporium housed an eclectic collection of china knick-knacks, the sort you buy on holiday then gather dust for the next millennia.

Maltese charity shop - a wonderful Aladdin's cave

And when you’ve had enough of it all, there’s the antics of the local lizards sunning themselves in the park gardens outside the Silent City to keep you entertained.

Any sign of that Maltese falcon?