CRACKING UP

This post title doesn’t describe me but refers to the self-levelling compound we threw down with gay abandon onto the uneven floor in the downstairs toilet before buggering off for a week of glorious beer-swigging in Munich.

Munching in Munich

Oh dear, not liking the look of those hairline cracks. Doesn’t look nice and solid, more like a road map of Britain. I’m almost too scared to stand on the floor especially since I’ve piled on poundage from scoffing too many portions of bratwurst and kartoffelsalat (potato salad).

Cracks in the self levelled floor

So now I’m suffering from compounding anxiety particularly as I’ve booked a return visit by Tapi Carpets for the fitting of vinyl flooring next Wednesday. What if the chap takes one look at this crack-riddled slab, shakes his head and refuses to fit the new floor?

Worst case scenario is we’d have to completely break up the compound layer then get it re-screeded which not only costs money but pushes back the project even further.

There’s nothing to do but wait for the fitter’s arrival. Fingers crossed it can all go ahead as planned.

ASSASSINS SCREED

I’ve watched the YouTube film (a dozen times), sucked up every tidbit on all the DIY forums like an over-enthusiastic Dyson and read the packet labels till the letters all merged together to form the word ‘loser’. Self-levelling compound here we come!

According to YouTube DIY experts begin your flooring fantasy by removing every speck of dust. I’ve hoovered the floor almost every day since last Tuesday so if there’s anything left on it then it’s likely to be an invisible Covid germ or a microscopic grain only detectable with a high-powered telescope.

Next apply primer. So many to choose from but from what I can gather, pick the type that’s most suitable for the type of substrate you’re going to apply the compound to. I’m using one called Larsen acrylic primer which can be used to prime concrete or screed.

Select a primer suitable for your substrate

The primer is applied in two coats. The first coat is a diluted one – one part water to one part primer. On a small area like our toilet floor even 400 ml of primer is way too much liquid. A litre bottle goes a long way so no ‘range’ anxiety about whether you’ll run out half way through the job.

Diluted Larsen pink primer

The second coat is also primer but applied neat. Larsen acrylic primer is like flooring Pepto Bismol, a bright pink colour and can be easily applied using a paint brush or roller. Leave this to dry completely before putting the compound on top.

Apply primer then leave to dry

Time to mix up the compound. Using a 20kg bag of L12 no nonsense self-smoothing leveller from Screwfix. According to feedback on their website, this stuff is the mutts nuts. Let’s hope so!

I really hope this works

To mix the compound, you’ll need a super-sized plasterer’s bucket and a gadget that looks like a giant whisk which can be attached to an ordinary electric drill.

Large bucket and mixing gadget

Woo hoo! Who thought making giant mud pies in a bucket could be so much fun? Make sure you closely follow the ‘recipe’ on the back of the packet as adding too much or too little water could affect your mixture.

Making mud pies

When your compound is ready, gently pour over the floor and using a flooring trowel, help the liquid mixture towards the edges. Being a feeble wuss with a bad neck, engage the services of a strong person to lift the bucket then use a large measuring jug so you don’t pour it all in at once.

Ease gently towards the edges

I was surprised to note how smoothly the compound naturally seemed to gravitate towards the edges of the room with minimal effort from my wielding a trowel the size of a skateboard. Easy does it girl, don’t get too cocky now….

No time for dawdling as this stuff goes off fairly quickly. Start from the furthest wall then work backwards to the door. Ooops! I forgot to mention that you need to chock up the doorway beforehand to prevent anything seeping out under the carpet. Yeah. Do this before you get started or else you might end up with a right mess.

Lovely mirror shine

Once all the compound is lying across the floor like a grey mirrored lake, grab your spiked roller. Run this carefully across the surface to bring up all the air bubbles.

Get rid of bubbles with spiked roller

Now stand back, admire your handiwork then use the rest of the day to bake a real cake to go with a nice brew.

BANKING APPS? MIST ME!

For weeks now, banks and building societies have been unceasingly pestering to convince me onto their banking apps. Apps? Mist me!! I’m still using chip and pin!

High Street banking has gone the way of the dodo. It’s the classic chicken and egg situation – what came first, online banking or bank branch closures? All I can say is that we are ALL to blame for the death of banks on the High Street so stop your moaning.

Where did all the dodos go?

Yep, if it hadn’t been for us gullible customers jumping onto the online banking bandwagon like a cocker spaniel on heat, Aunt Ethel would still be able to pop into her local branch to collect her pension in cash. It’s a simple case of cause and effect. No good crying over spilt milk. Use it or lose it. The banks knew well enough what the end game was from the off, having studied human behaviour for decades. We just fell into their trap – couldn’t help ourselves, could we?

Banks have been cleverly manipulating customer behaviour in a bid to shave millions off their bottom line and continue to do so, forcing us all to go paperless or use apps in the name of progress. What they fail to understand is that:


a) not all banking customers have smartphones or want one

b) people often live in areas with poor mobile phone signal

c) some customers are technologically challenged

d) no-one wants to drive miles to a ‘full service’ bank or banking hub

e) hacking or cyber-crime is rife


And that last point is ultra important because if cyber-crime is increasing then how is persuading more people to bank online going to provide better security for you or your funds? 

Banks have long been complaining loudly about having to automatically reimburse punters when fraudulent transactions occur. It’s the bank’s view that we are all in some way negligent if fraud occurs so why should they cough up? And yet isn’t forcing us all onto websites or apps that could be tampered with deliberately exposing people to unscrupulous criminals through no fault of our own?

Can banking apps keep out criminals?

I might sound like a techno-dino but I’m quite happy doing my banking using that thingy called a laptop that has a proper keyboard and a large screen. I can at least see what I’m doing plus less danger of typing in wrong numbers with sausage-like fingers. Ooops! I meant £10 not £1,000. Duh!

Please, please, please – spare us from this unnecessary App evil. I want to be an i-phone leper, I don’t want to be ‘cured’. Mist me!

Rock on Randy Glasbergen

LEVELLING UP

Spring is gradually turning into one of those elastic months – I’m feeling stretched to the limit, physically, mentally and above all, financially.

Feeling stretched

First Truss and now Trump. Is there something about politicians whose surnames begin with the letters TRU that makes them financial suicide bombers? 

They've blown up the economy!

Since Trump got into power, he’s sent more shockwaves round economies and stock markets than the recent earthquake in Myanmar. There’s no doubt that Rachel from Accounts will be blaming him for all the tax rises or other shenanigans that will unfold in October’s budget.

The Chancellor’s decision to raise employer NI contributions plus the minimum wage this month has truly put a whacking great spanner into our home refurbishment plans. To save the ailing public sector, the private sector is now desperately scrabbling around in a bid to save themselves from a slow lingering death as companies flip a coin to determine whether they’ll file for bankruptcy or just sack half the workforce.

Not only has our company played it’s ‘Hard Up’ card by not awarding any pay rises this year but it’s now pulled out a ‘Shit Street’ joker by asking all employees to take a pay cut. Voluntary reductions in contractual hours to stave off compulsory redundancies and to ensure it can meet the Government’s new corporate obligations.

This card trumps all the others

Surprised? No not really. We’ve been here before many a time. I can recall at least 3 previous decades where due to recessions, economic mismanagement or calamities such as the 2008 credit crunch resulted in massive job losses, austerity measures being imposed or tax hikes (stealthy and non-stealthy).

Money is tight. I’ve no need to mention that as I’m sure everyone’s feeling the pinch but when you’ve hit that point where there’s no more give in the knicker elastic then what?

Not realising that this latest axe was about to fall, I’d fortunately gone out and purchased all the ingredients for the next phase in our Great British DIY Bake Off – the self-levelling compound cake.

What you need to level up your agenda

Having ripped out ye olde worlde stuck down vinyl flooring in the downstairs toilet, we were left with a very uneven surface totally unsuitable for new flooring to be laid. Desperate times call for desperate measures so time to learn a new skill – the art of floor levelling. More about that later.

Flooring ripped out - not a pretty sight

All the gear but no idea – yep that’s us but at least we’re willing to try new things. Keeping busy is all you can do in hard times such as these.