LOW OR NO STANDING CHARGES

Before I fall off my energy soapbox, let me take you on a journey back in time to December 2024 when Ofgem, the energy regulator, finally got the message that high standing charges for low energy customers are basically a rip off.

A year of consultations followed until the regulator eventually proposed that all energy suppliers must offer all their customers, tariffs that have ‘low or no’ standing charges.

In May of this year, Martin Lewis’s website reported the following:

Under Ofgem's latest plans, four of the big energy firms (British Gas, EDF, E.on and Octopus) will be trialling low or no standing charge tariffs during 2026. Each supplier will offer at least one version of the tariff to specific households for one year. The trial has not been finalised, but we'll update this guide when we have more details.

Living in a household that uses little energy, would I be classed as one of the SPECIFIC households? What I think is meant by the phrase ‘specific households’ is either those on benefits or those with large energy debt. Well, I certainly wasn’t going to wait to be asked so I emailed Octopus to enquire when they would be trialling these new low or no standing charge tariffs.

At first, the eager-to-please Octopeep who replied to my email sent across details of existing tariffs that might tickle my fancy, none of which reflected standing charges any lower than that of my current tariff. They’d completely ignored my question relating to ‘low or no’ tariffs. Blanked me like a unprinted A4 page.

Not one to give up in these instances, I then challenged the Octopeep further, suggesting they respond to the actual question which was when will Octopus be offering their customers low or no standing charge tariffs?

Eventually, an emailed reply was received as follows:

I can confirm that Ofgem has mentioned a tariff with a low standing charge will be available from April. While Octopus will not have this tariff available from the 1st of April, we are still working through the details and it may be launched sometime after. Please note, it’s not a no standing charge tariff but one with a reduced standing charge, a 'Low standing charge' tariff.

No surprises. Of course, the likelihood of there being a ‘NO’ standing charge tariff was pretty slim at the outset since the cost of all those green levies, network maintenance costs and anything else has to be recovered from all punters via this charge.

And now that energy costs are going to go into orbit following the war in the Middle East, energy suppliers are going to be dragging their heels over the introduction of a ‘LOW’ standing charge tariff particularly if consumption costs are then capped by Ofgem or customers reduce their consumption levels to economise.

Having made this proposal, will Ofgem now be checking up on suppliers to see if they comply with the spirit of this new requirement? I suspect not since Ofgem fails to live up to my expectations of a regulator that is there to protect the interests of energy consumers, preferring instead to keep suppliers sweet. A regulator with teeth would be chasing up suppliers with a deadline for the introduction of the new tariff. Not Ofgem because it's generally toothless, spineless, useless – no better than a piece of fluff wedged in a belly-button.

Since there is little evidence that Octopus will be making these new tariffs available before next winter then I’ve signed up to another energy fix until June 2027 to keep the household ship afloat on an even keel.

Rest assured, I will be keeping a beady eye on the Octopus to see if it eventually introduces a low standing charge tariff.

And in case you are wondering what happened to summer fun, online tickets for Alton Towers are still reflecting a 20% rate of VAT so I’m still waiting to see those marvellous reductions as proposed by the Reevester being rolled out to the public.

LECCY RATIONING

The ghost of the electrical future has reared its ugly head again, haunting the tabloids with tales of a cold, dark, bleak future, devoid of light, heating or joy.

Another Orwellian turn of the screw it seems.  With every day that passes consumer choice is being firmly squeezed into Muppet Miliband’s iron maiden where a fate worse than death awaits - the totalitarian state.

Front page of Saturday’s Telegraph announced further draconian rules are being imposed on the nation by the demented Energy Emperor on his kamikaze mission to reach net zero.

It’s another own goal for Britain. It’s not coming home, this year or even in the next twenty World Cups – a tournament that is probably contributing more to global warming than even the swankiest gold-plated towel rail. But footie is footie and even Ed’s not brave enough to dare tinker with the beautiful game.

The article goes on to suggest that consumers will benefit from cheaper bills in the long run. This is not because the cost of a kilowatt of electricity is going to come down any time soon but because we'll be forced to use less. 

Whether that is the result of more energy efficient appliances or not remains to be seen but logically – use less, pay less or in Ed’s case it’s - USELESS, PAY MORE. Lord help us if he ever got in as Chancellor!

Leccy rationing is going to be the way forward if AI data centres begin mushrooming across the UK and this is how it starts by forcing punters to use less power. The grid is unlikely to produce enough energy to share fairly between data processing electrical vampires and punters and my guess is that heating homes won’t be the top priority.

Energy use in Britain is on a backward trajectory to the Middle Ages. Won’t be long before we’re all huddling round a candle to keep warm. If I were you, I’d start panic buying Yankee candles now ahead of the herd.

Muppet Miliband wants more and more of your electrical pie. Chasing net zero will do very little to save the planet unless ALL polluting countries are forced to drastically cut emissions. And even if global emissions were reduced, what about all those other activities that also contribute to climate change such as mining, de-forestation, over-production of livestock, intensive farming, fast fashion, holiday travel and some manufacturing processes to name but a few. You going to stop all that too, are you Ed?

If you want a tumble dryer, underfloor heating or a towel rail, you’ll have no other option but to go for a solar array with multiple batteries so that every ounce of free power generated is stored. But remember what I said in my post of October 2025 (Going Solar, Maybe), VPP is going to be the invisible power-stealing menace to guard against.

Whilst it may seem an attractive proposition to sell your surplus power back to the Grid in exchange for a few paltry pennies off your energy bills, the real danger is that you’re leaving a back door open for energy theft by virtual power plants or cyber thieves.

And whilst I too will eventually succumb to solar in a bid to reduce energy bills, it will be with an ‘off grid’ system whereby any power generated will be kept solely for my own use. My solar array will not be connected to the Grid, a smart meter or anything that enables VPP (virtual power plant) or remote access capability.

The Government have already begun to taper off SEG payments and I suspect that although demand for power will be higher in the future because of AI, you and I are not going to get rich generating excess electricity for the nation. Reduced SEG payments will continue until completely phased out then the powers that be will just rob you blind.

After reading this article, I’m making a list of gadgets to buy before the mass electrical extinction arrives.

‘I’m also buying a bath tub’ I shout out to the other half who is sneakily snaffling biscuits in the kitchen as the kettle boils. Hasn’t he realised by now that I keep a spreadsheet logging sugary purchases in case the Obesity Police turn up to measure our waistlines? No doubt middle-aged spread is next on Big Brother Ed’s list as I wouldn’t be surprised if obesity wasn’t featured on a climate change contributor list somewhere.

The Ed-case is definitely not going to stop at towel rails. No way. Data centres also use a lot of water to keep computers cool so it won’t be long before a bath joins the prohibition list and we’ll all be washing out of a bucket full of rain water in the garden.

MAKING THE NHS DIGITAL

As mother's snoring louder than a warthog on the sofa then to alleviate boredom I’m continuing my online rant on the topic of digitising the NHS which quite frankly is turning into a right royal pain in the arse.

Today, I discovered yet another ‘innovation’ on the health front that pissed me off no end, to the point that I almost picked up the phone to mother’s GP surgery there and then to let them have it both barrels such was my annoyance.

Of course, in reality I’d never do that as I’m far too polite but in the deep, dark recesses of my mind, I’d drive a Sherman tank right up to the surgery door then blast them to kingdom come much like Trump threatened to do to Iran. Clearly, he’s much too diplomatically polite as he still hasn’t.

So, what is this health service ‘innovation’ that’s got my goat? It’s the new messaging service on a platform called SystemOnline used by numerous surgeries.

Firstly, you receive a standardised email out of the blue advising you have a message on that portal. The email doesn’t give any clues as to what the hell that message might be about. You could have 6 months to live or a blood test result but until you log in then it’s anyone’s guess.

Secondly, you have to go off to log into the SystemOnline portal to find the message in order to read it. This means accessing another web site, remembering yet another set of log-in credentials, etc, etc. And as we all know, unless you’ve written these things down then at any age, this is a challenge in itself.

Oh, look. Surprise, surprise! There are loads of unread messages. Forty-one to be precise that neither of my aged parents or myself were remotely aware of because we never even knew this facility existed.

And guess what, one of those messages actually had a request on it for mother to make a GP appointment to discuss test results.

Making the NHS digital process summarised as follows:

- Surgery sends email
- Patient logs into a different website to view message
- Patient rings surgery to discuss contents of message
- Patient then has to wait at least a fortnight for the next appointment date

Basically, if I hadn’t accessed both of my parent’s laptops then I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. (Yeah, I have their passwords so can hack in at any time).

All this in spite of telling the surgery months ago that visually impaired patients CANNOT see to use a laptop, smartphone or any other device so all medically related communications should be made by phone call. Request ignored.

It would have been far easier all round if the surgery had done an ET and simply phoned home to offer mum an appointment rather than subject someone who is elderly, cognitively and technologically impaired to this digital rigmarole. Lucky for her, I’m here to deal with this shit.

What’s next on the Care in the Community agenda? Chat GP doctors? Robots that turn up on your doorstep to take your temperature? Why not just give us all syringes and we’ll draw our own blood samples? Good God!  I hope I’m not giving them any new ideas…

Oh wait, I think I read about this only the other day – iPad questionnaires to fill in at A&E reception desks. That’ll be a hoot. The last time I spent hours waiting in A&E it was largely full of drunks, hysterical teenagers or cokeheads, most of whom were in no fit state to speak to a receptionist let alone piss about on an iPad.

Seriously, this digital pathway the health service has embarked upon is going to result in most of its patients giving up the will to live but then maybe that’s their intention all along – less patients, cheaper to deliver healthcare.

Not promising this is the last NHS related cyber rant as who knows what tomorrow might bring!

DOCTOR DEFICIENCY

“It’s not looking very nice outside” says my befuddled mother oblivious to the fact that I’ve repeated the weather forecast more times than the BBC over the past 5 days. Data retention evaporates almost as rapidly as this year’s summer.

The Ancient Mariner has hitched a ride on a Ryanair galleon to foreign parts leaving yours truly to ‘Nanny sit’.  So, for the next couple of weeks, I’m trapped in an endless conversational loopy loop that goes round and round and round on the same spot like a badly stuck record.

Cognitive issues usually attributed to old age, other medical conditions such as diabetes and possible vitamin deficiencies are ripe for NHS inactivity. Referral to a Memory Clinic is now dependent on the results of continued blood testing for vitamin deficiencies resulting in delayed diagnosis of true state of mind. No wonder it takes years for patients to get a proper dementia diagnosis. Stalling tactics – that’s all this is!

Lack of B12 can cause memory impairment and this could be easily rectified in the elderly with a swift injected dose of the stuff. But we’re talking the NHS here. Due to health service penny pinching, B12 injections are no longer on the menu even for 88 year-old befuddled diabetics.

‘You can buy vitamin supplements on the High Street’ the GP informed me during our last telephone consultation. Yeah, at my expense I thought rather than on a free prescription which my mother is entitled to, her being as close to a century as Britain is to an IMF bailout. I wonder how many other patients are being fobbed off to the pharmacy without prescriptions? These supplements may help with memory deficiencies but what can we do about doctor deficiencies?

The irony of this situation is that left to their own devices, elderly memory impaired biddies struggle to remember to take daily supplements. I mean, if they can’t remember what day of the week it is then how on earth will they remember they’ve got tablets to take?

Which is why a B12 jab is perfect. It delivers a dose more powerful than anything you’ll get from a health store straight into your body’s system and all you’ve got to remember is to get to the appointment. Dr Google quickly signposted me to Superdrug pharmacies who are now offering these jabs privately at £29 per time.

The second irony is that in the past, vitamin supplements have always been heartily pooh-poohed by the medical profession as having no real medicinal value. (Insufficient evidence, blah, blah, blah – the usual NHS guff). Of course, now penniless, the shoe is on the other foot and vitamins are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Your GP is still not going to prescribe them though because if they did, the NHS would go bust.

And this brings me to the next hurdle in the NHS Grand National – getting an appointment for a blood test.

Making the NHS Digital – I dutifully filled in the online form on behalf of mother as being visually and technologically impaired this is an impossibility for her. That was on 4 June.

Within hours, an email confirmed that the surgery would contact me sometime prior to the 12 June to discuss my request.

Four days later having heard nothing from the surgery, I rang them only to be advised that the next available blood testing appointment was not until the end of June – 26 days from the date of my original online request. So much for the digital system improving access to health services.

I imagine that after her blood testing appointment, we’ll then have to wait another few weeks for the results and are likely to be told to carry on with supplements because the NHS will continue to delay a referral to the Memory Clinic until mother gets battier than Castle Dracula.

I asked her GP Surgery if it would be quicker for us to get tested at the local hospital which is how it works in Chichester where you can directly book an appointment online for blood tests at St Richards. Are you having a laugh? Not in Bournemouth it seems. ‘Oh, the hospital doesn’t like GPs booking blood tests with them and you can’t book directly.’ said the receptionist.

So much for quick access to care in the community. I can’t see it getting any better once the NHS starts passing the buck to local pharmacies or health hubs because with fewer resources they’re just going to end up swamped with requests for appointments.

As time goes on, the gulf between doctor and patient will get wider, probably as wide as the Straits of Hormuz. Greater delays in accessing diagnosis or treatments are likely to be experienced and with impatience levels being what they are these days then eventually everyone will just end up going private thus bringing about the demise of the NHS.

Perhaps rather than blowing my pension on a Lamborghini, I’d be better off setting up a High Street blood testing clinic and laboratory.

Crikey! Kerching! I could make a right killing by doing this as doctors’ surgeries could then outsource all their testing to me for a nice fat fee. Or people could just book with me directly thus making it easier and quicker for patients to monitor and treat their own vitamin deficiencies rather than wait on deficient doctors.