THE PERFECT STORM

If I wasn’t so cynical, I’d think the current energy crisis was the Government’s way of achieving its Net Zero policy by stealth having seen an article about the latest price cap increase on the Beeb’s website.  It leaves me drained of energy just reading about all this stuff!

Doing nothing is definitely the way forward for the Tories as rocketing prices is the only way to ensure the public changes its attitudes and behaviours towards a more energy efficient mindset thus saving them the trouble of having to actually fix the broken Energy Market. 

Gadgets all use power that we now can't afford

For years, the Government has been ramping up demand for electricity by forcing us to buy electric cars or persuading us to get rid of energy efficient gas appliances so that it can justify the need for all those renewable energy licences it doled out like sweeties to companies who put profit before planet.  Now it transpires that the cost of renewable energy is linked to the stock market’s general energy pricing mechanisms as opposed to being based on the price of a ‘free’ underlying resource ie wind or sun.  We have all been well and truly f**ked from the very beginning. 

No electric blankets, thermal underpants or knitted jumpers for me this winter.  No siree.  This is how I’m planning to get through the energy crisis.  Southern Comfort is far cheaper than electricity and after skinful, cold weather will have about as much impact as rummaging about in the freezer for a bag of potato croquettes.  Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ….

 

Booze - the best way to live through the energy crisis

While we lurch from one ‘perfect storm’ to another in our everyday lives, it was truly a perfect storm yesterday morning as rain unexpectedly crept up on us like a dark clothed cyclist with no lights.  With no guttering on the back of the house, the downpour swept off the roof and onto the patio quicker than I could bale out the buckets I’d lined up for such an eventuality.

 

Temporary guttering

It didn’t take long for me to almost fill our green wheelie bin with lots of the precious wet stuff which I will be saving to use on future dry days.

 

Using the green bin as an extra water butt

As if torrential rain wasn’t enough, the new kitchen also arrived yesterday.  Thankfully delivery took place after the rain stopped or we may have been facing another crisis. 

The lounge is now looking like an Amazon warehouse, boxes and bits piled up all over the place.  There’s barely enough room for the ‘home office’ on the dining table.

 

Before delivery

And afterwards

We now have kitchen but we’re still a long way from getting it fitted.  Plastering has been the name of the game this week in the new extension.

 

Fitting plasterboard onto the ceiling

To create a smooth base ready for plastering

Freshly plastered ceiling

There’s now a lovely smooth ceiling and side wall, with the rest to follow.  In my mind’s eye I can begin to see how I might decorate the walls or fill the available spaces. 

 

Side wall before plastering

Side walls with plasterboard fitted

Side wall freshly plastered

Now pass me that Southern Comfort as I feel a bit of a chill coming on…

DELUX VELUX

When extending a property, it’s important to give thought to how much natural light an additional structure may either add or take away from your existing surroundings. 

We realised early on that adding an extension with a solid flat roof onto our kitchen would result in a much darker room likely to need more artificial lighting during the daytime.  Not great when the price of electricity is almost as much as the cost of feeding a very, very hungry hippo. 

Our helpful builder when reviewing the plans suggested we consider incorporating a skylight window in the roof design to provide an extra burst of natural light into the kitchen area.  Brilliant idea!  I’ve always wanted to look up at the stars when tucking into dinner – much more romantic than looking at a plain plaster ceiling full of cobwebs. 

I’ve chosen a delux Velux of reasonable size (1.2m x 1.2 m square) to be fitted in the ceiling on the other side of what will eventually be the archway joining the kitchen to the new dining room. 

What the rooflight will look like

Now on paper or online, a 1.2 m square doesn’t sound very big but now that it’s been delivered, I can see it’s quite a large window.  It looks very heavy too so how on earth they’re going to lift it onto the roof without using a crane will be very interesting.

 

It's a monster sized window!

And on the subject of interesting, fitting a Velux skylight window is a complex process involving a great deal of additional work.  I feel sorry for our builder, cutting away at all those precise and thick insulation layers that made up his lovely flat roof in order to create a supported aperture for the skylight.

 

Additional timber supports being put in place

Cutting through the roof layers to reach the top panel

Sky/roof light windows come in many shapes and sizes so it’s mostly a matter of preference and budget as to which one you go for.  As ours is merely to provide light and not ventilation, then I’ve picked a fixed window rather than one with an opener which has cost just over £1,000 to buy. 

The window comes in two sections, an upstand/base which fits into the hole in the roof topped with a framed glass unit.  It looks sleek and not quite as clumpy as those weird domed type of units. 

 

Peeling back the layers to remove the final piece of ply

Rooflight base unit fixed into position

As Oscar Wilde once said "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" although I don't suppose this quote has anything to do with skylight windows in dining rooms. 

 

Rooflight window in situ

Can't wait to see it finished

Knowing our luck, instead of stars we'll be staring up at the shitty arse end of a seagull as I suspect they will now take great pleasure in using this new window for target practice.

Now that the rooflight base is in position, the roof can be fully felted then the top glass panel will be added last to finish it all off.

CONCRETE FLOOR

Did somebody say ‘Just Eat’?  Well that’s exactly what I’m doing at this very minute, stuffing my face full of pasta whilst desperately trying not to drip meatballs or tomato sauce over the laptop.

 

Just another few mouthfuls to go

I’m not usually a lunchtime eater, preferring to get by on a skimpy midday snack then tuck into a wholesome dinner later with the other half but today I’m giving blood for the first time and for once, eating loads is the order of the day.

 

Give blood, you've given the NHS everything else

A little apprehensive about parting with some of the precious red stuff but as I’ve given the NHS so many organs over the years (gallbladder, ovaries, etc) then a pint of blood shouldn’t make much difference.  As an O negative type donor, my blood is apparently highly sought after – pity I can’t charge the NHS for it as the extra cash might have helped towards heating bills. 

And on the subject of food, a word or two about the latest Birds Eye Green Cuisine advert before I update this post with the latest extension progress. 

Now I don’t know how many of you have seen this advert on the telly but essentially a little girl asks her mum why they don’t eat Birds Eye Green Cuisine nuggets then goes on to ask if its because her mum doesn’t like change or to do anything other than what she’s always done.  Every time I see this advert, the other half has to bind and gag me to prevent sharp objects being thrown at the TV because this seemingly harmless advert just makes my blood boil.

 

Available to watch on YouTube but makes sure everything fragile is out of reach

If that was my child, I’d be filling in the adoption papers before she could have finished eating her dinner.   My response to her very smart alec question would go something like this:

‘I’m glad you asked me that question, you sanctimonious little entitled brat and I hope you’ll respect the answer I’m about to give you.  We don’t eat Birds Eye Green Cuisine nuggets not because I don’t like change but because we live in a democratic nation with freedom of choice to eat whatever we like.  Your friends and her family have made a life style choice not to eat meat but you and every other veggie in the land have to respect that it is a PERSONAL lifestyle choice and not mandatory for everyone to eat non meat items.  Personally, I prefer to eat food that hasn’t been made in a test tube or resulted in the deforestation of half the planet for the planting of soya crops plus I’m not made of money.  I’m sure your new vegetarian foster family will be happy to rustle you up a plate of these fake nuggets that cost a small fortune.  Now, be a love and go and pack your suitcase as Social Services will be here in 10 mins to pick you up.’

Shame on you Birds Eye – don’t think to foist your totalitarian vegetarian views on us with your condescending marketing because I’ll show you who is going to embrace change by NOT buying any of your products ever again!!!

 

Birds Eye is off the menu - give me real meat any day!

Sorry kids, I know you are both veggies but mama's not giving up bacon and that's all there is to it.

And breathe …..  Having got that little rant out of my system it’s time to focus on food yet again as this week our builders are making a floor sandwich. 

The floor to the extension is a proper ‘doorstop’ type butty, made of thick layers of everything.  It’s a super Subway, the sort that’s got so many fillings or sauces in it that you usually end up with most of it on your T shirt than in your mouth.   A bit like my pasta lunch.

 

How to make a floor sandwich

A floor sandwich begins with a layer of sand, followed by several layers of celotex insulation board thicker than the Communist Manifesto plus damp proof membrane that are laid on top of the interior concrete foundation.

 

My indoor swimming pool is now a sand pit

Celotex insulation board

This is then topped with a very generous layer of concrete so that a solid sandwich of materials is created between the original foundation and the top of the floor.  There are no damp, draughty cavities just lots of heat retaining layers.

Lots of lovely insulation on top of the sand

Now top with a thick layer of concrete

We now have a nice flat floor base ready to tile after breaking through into the kitchen.

New floor - shouldn't take long to dry in this heat

SAVE WATER

Hose pipe bans are on the horizon as by some unknown quirk of fate, Britain has had no proper rainfall in months.  What?  Yes, this green and pleasant land is now one giant tetchy, sweaty, hay bale.  We can’t even pin the blame on Boris for this as he’s no longer in charge albeit there are some folks out there who’ll probably have a damned good try.  Basically, we’ve all got to find ways of saving precious water before Shit Creek becomes the Sahara.

 

My lawn's looking like Weetabix

Honestly, in my view the answer to the current water crisis has been staring us in our red faces all along. Quite simply, don’t wash!  This heatwave has provided us all with a perfectly legitimate excuse for being smelly.  Stop washing your bedding, let the dog roll around in its own filth and replace that fancy Glancy crockery with recyclable paper plates so you won’t have dirty dinner stuff to stick in a dishwasher.

 

Afternoon tea has been replaced with chilled water

I have been collecting my shower water in a bucket for the past few weeks and am shocked by how much water is simply wasted down the plug hole.  Every morning, a whole bucket is filled with soapy water which I then use to flush the upstairs toilet. 

 

Save water - get a shower bucket

Being on a water meter, this little hack is going to save me a fortune on bills and give me that warm, fuzzy feeling that I’m doing my bit to save the environment.  It will also offset the copious amounts of the stuff used by the builders to mix up brick mortar.

 

Use soapy shower water to flush your loo

I must confess that on alternate days, the daily shower has been replaced by a stand up ‘cat wash’ with a soapy flannel and my hair now only gets washed on Sundays.  Before you reach for your mobile to ring the RSPCA, no real cats are used in this process so don’t panic.  

Don't ask me to give you an all over body wash, you stinker!

As our office desks are still surrounded with clear plastic covid barricades, it offers some degree of protection to colleagues from nasty niffs and so long as you don’t put the desk fan on, you’ll probably get away with it. 

Working from home is the best way to save water or energy and should now be encouraged by the Government.  No-one on a Zoom call is truly going to know that you’ve not rinsed your pits or get a whiff of that unsavoury ‘Eau de BO’ emanating from your unwashed PJs.  You can kill two birds with one stone by working in bra and shorts to save on air conditioning.  Yeah, I’m all for it!

 

Pre-bedtime air conditioning

Instead of taxing us to death or imposing undemocratic individual water saving targets, the Government would do well to encourage local industry to invent products such as small solar powered air con units for the home that operate off grid or shower trays and sinks whose drainage systems are linked to water storage tanks or toilet cisterns so that run-off water is not wasted.

 

If all homes had underground water storage tanks then plants wouldn't end up fried to a crisp

It is not a case of punishing individuals with punitive charges or targets they’ll do their best not to meet but looking at how we can harness effective design to overcome water shortage challenges.

ROOF SANDWICH

Big Mac with a side of snake, please!  Local Macky Dees in Bognor Regis have announced a new sustainability drive to cut down on plastic toys in their happy meals by including reptiles instead.  ‘Boa constrictors are far better than a plastic penguin’ said Ronald McDonald ‘and can help households get rid of unwanted rodents too thus helping the environment.’  I’m glad Hissing Sid was eventually re-united with its owner but I think I’ll stick with KFC if you don’t mind.

 

Waiter, waiter there's something long and thin in my burger

And talking of fast food… our roof sandwich is slowly nearing completion.  

Roof getting close to completion

After a generous helping of insulation and another layer of plywood, a layer of vented membrane that looks like gruyere is spread across the timber panels.

 

Final layer of plywood laid

Adding various layers of membrane

Vented membrane

This will be topped with some black sticky stuff resembling liquorice on a roll which I think will then be torched down so that its tar-like substance will seal everything into place. 

Black sticky stuff

 

Black sticky stuff to cover vented membrane

What builders use to make 'toasties'

At the end of it all, there’ll be a nice waterproof topper which should keep us nice and toasty when the extension is finished.

 

A black expanse now visible from the bathroom window

While the builders have focussed their attention on the roof, the sparky has been grappling with my OCD instructions for the internal electrics.  Grey coloured cables are dangling out of every orifice like a bad case of piles.

 

Adding electrical cables ready for lighting

External lights to go here

External power socket to go here

Cabling neatly tucked into roof timbers

My beautiful Art Deco clam lights will grace the side wall and the pendant light will be sited on the other side of the proposed rooflight blending bygone glamour with modern surroundings.  It should look lovely.

Proposed location of roof skylight