COW FARTS

Anyone who knows me well will understand the nature of this post and everyone else is just going to think that’s disgusting but who cares!  This is the internet after all and to a degree, you can blather on about whatever you want.  In my book, cows and farts are far more interesting than Justin Bieber. 

I came across this news article today that raised a good belly laugh.  It is of course about cows and farts, two things frequently obsessed about in our house.  Cows because let’s face it, what’s not to like about cows?  They’re large, smelly and have that adorably gormless bovine look about them that no other creature has.  They lift their tails when they pee and we find that funny.  Tell me you haven’t stopped by a field of cows and not scanned the horizon to find the one that’s having a pee?  Come on, you know you have!  Cows always make me think of Gary Larson cartoons which are hilarious. 

Farts are never far from the conversation at home.  In fact, I’d say the ‘F’ word comes up in almost every other sentence.  I remember having to ban the kids from using the ‘fart’ word at the table every night because sooner or later, our conversation always revolved around everyone’s guffing exploits that day.  Believe me, not a lot has changed all these years later. 

Anyhow, back to today’s riveting news article about cow farts.  Sara Nelson of The Huffington Post summed it up most succinctly in her article: 

Farting Cows Cause Methane Gas Explosion On German Dairy Farm

Huffington Post UK  |  By Sara C Nelson Posted: 28/01/2014 09:43 GMT  |  Updated: 28/01/2014 09:59 GMT

Methane gas produced by 90 farting and belching cows caused an explosion in a German dairy farm, blowing the roof off and injuring one of the animals.

A “static electric charge caused the gas to explode with flashes of flames,” police in the central German town of Rasdorf said in a statement reported by Reuters.

One cow was treated for burns.

This cow had nothing do to with the explosion on Monday, no sir!

As you can see from the devastation, cows and farts make an explosive combination.  Ultimately, they could be responsible for the demise of this planet!

MORE ABOUT:

The Huffington Post - http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/11/06/farting-cow_n_4226524.html

Gary Larson - http://www.readingreview.com/comics/cowsofourplanet.html

MOUSE TAXIDERMY

Hurrah, it’s finally stopped raining!  Mental note to self – ring Bournemouth Council to cancel planning application for a moat and put the ‘build your own ark’ kit back in the shed. 

A quick tour of garden inspection has revealed a series of watery ‘graves’ that have unexpectedly appeared in our vegetable growing area.  Four rectangles of gloopy mud and leaves and a healthy looking crop of weeds growing in the covered beds. 

Nothing but mud and leaves

Strawberry beds to tidy up

This last spate of wind has left a trail of destruction and endless rain has made it impossible to begin the annual post-new year preparation for spring planting.  

Bamboo screening to be replaced

Planter smashed by plank blown off next door's scaffolding

I know I shouldn’t complain since our minor problems are nothing compared to the devastation faced by those living in the local mobile home parks, many of whom have been evacuated from their homes several times in the past month but still, it’s pretty depressing none the less.

January is always a crap month for gardeners and in general.  To lift my spirits I consider finding a new winter hobby that doesn’t involve the great outdoors and come across this interesting advert for mouse taxidermy.

Why folks would want to stuff mice and display them on their mantle-pieces is beyond me but it does make me think of Wilbur.  Have I mentioned Wilbur before?  Probably not.  He’s one of those bizarre family secrets best left in the closet. 

Wilbur is a mouse or rather was a mouse, in the sense that he once happily scurried about the tunnels of the London Underground before being preserved for posterity in a dozen coats of clear varnish for one of my brother’s more eccentric student art projects.  I think this was during his Damien Hirst phase at Chelsea.  Now don’t for one minute imagine my brother as some kind of weird pied piping rat catcher employed by TFL, Wilbur was already dead on the platform before being immortalised by B&Q over 20 years ago.  No creatures were harmed during the making of this art project.

As far as I know, Wilbur’s still intact.  Sat on his tiny haunches, little beady eyes peeping out of his resin-like bubble in some long forgotten corner of my brother’s flat.  Every now and again we find Wilbur, dust him down and reminisce over some of the crazier moments of our youth.  

MORE ABOUT:

Taxidermy - http://www.standard.co.uk/goingout/attractions/stuff-it-taxidermy-is-the-latest-craze-9043786.html

Damien Hirst - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturenews/9606498/Damien-Hirst-condemned-for-killing-9000-butterflies-in-Tate-show.html

Pied Piper - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pied_Piper_of_Hamelin

2014 TURNER PRIZE - CUSHELLE

Move over Martin Creed.  You may have created a bit of noise at Hauser & Wirth with your bog roll pyramid but when it comes to poopy paper, that’s just a close second. 

This is real poopy paper art.  It’s the world’s first three dimensional Cushelle Christmas tree.  2 ply.  Made from 80 loo rolls (all my own) and topped with an angel.  Proper crimbo!  

Renowned art critic, Shelby Horsfield said 'Looks like a load of shit paper to me but it's definitely got Turner Prize potential'.

MORE ABOUT:

Martin Creed - http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/18/arts/design/martin-creeds-solo-shows-at-gavin-brown-and-hauser-wirth.html?_r=0

Toilet rolls - http://www.pinterest.com/merciercahoon/50-toilet-paper-roll-uses/

FAST FASHION

Happy New Year!

2014 is the year of austerity fashion.  Got an all important party to go to but not a stitch to wear?  Make your very own fast fashion out of carrier bags.  This perfect fancy dress ensemble was created from a couple of bin liners, a heap of supermarket carrier bags and a roll of thick parcel tape.

To safeguard the identity of our supermodel from Vogue's paparazzi,  her face has been given a sooty beauty mask.

Charminster’s very own haute couture inspired by the ‘derelict’ collection featured in Zoolander is definitely more Bohemian bag lady than designer glad rags and practical too.  No need for a coat as plastic is both insulating and water-proof so it’ll save you the price of a cloakroom ticket. 

Perfect austerity fashion – even cheaper than Primark!

MORE ABOUT:

Fast fashion - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fast_fashion

Plastic bags - http://www.fizbag.com/info/plastic-bag-facts