FENCING

Following on from my last post, 5 appears to be the magic number and I’m not talking loaves or fishes but fencing. 

 

Five old fence panels to be replaced

With vertical closeboard panels

Reading this blog, you might think I spend most of my time fooling around typing up a load of nonsensical blather about this, that or the other but I can assure you that when not pounding the keyboard or shouting from my soapbox about parking or politics, efforts are being channelled into landscaping the back garden. 

Last week’s brief respite from wintery downpours saw me throw down the gauntlet to challenge the dilapidated wooden fence foe into the fight of the century.  Kapow!  Take that, you rotten bugger!  

Beating the crap out of the old fence panels

Kerrunch!!  Yeah, that’ll teach yer!  My kung fu fence fighting skills are legendary in this neighbourhood I’ll have you know and after a few satisfying karate kicks, the old fence was truly smashed to smithereens.

 

Putting the boot in

And the fencing champion is ...

Five fabulous new fence panels have now been installed along the side boundary, this time with no tantrums from either me or the elderly neighbour who actually rang to say she really liked it.  

Out with the old fence

And in with new concrete posts and gravel boards

New fence panels ready for painting

Of course, the fence story is far from finished as now it all needs painting to match the rest of the garden. 

Whilst I did battle against the wooden warrior, the other half has been busy putting the finishing touches to the new raised flower bed on the corner of the patio.

Raised flower bed enclosing the corner of the patio

Ready to be filled with soil

There's now a low retaining wall along the side border which means that once the fence is painted, I can get on with the business of planting up. 

But in the meantime, there’s a mountain of displaced soil to sieve to top up the new flower bed and border. 

 

No stone left unturned

Yes, I’ve been grubbing in the dirt all week like an oversized aardvark in a bid to rid the garden of as many stones as possible.  This is proving to be a tiresome endeavour since there are more stones than soil.  I’ve already filled at least 5 rubble sacks. 

 

I foresee a trip to the tip ....

Are we nearly there yet?

2 + 2 = 5

So, Dishi Rishi has decided more maths is needed to get on in life.  Any why not?  Everyone should be able to work out how many £1 tomato plants they can get for a tenner, know that when the big hand reaches 12 it’s gin o’clock and figure out that if the 10.15 from Portsmouth didn’t arrive then its 20 minutes late. 

 

Please sir, can I have some more maths?

Maths will also enable the average punter to work out that their monthly salary isn’t going to cover all those inflated bills, that the difference between £13,000 and £12,570 equals tax and that Two Fat Ladies means 88 in bingo lingo.  Whoops I don’t think we can say ‘fat’ anymore, we’ll have to change it to Two Voluptuously Assigned Females at Birth.

 

'Fat' or 'Ladies' - use these terms with caution

What is he thinking?  Everyone hates maths.  I still have nightmares thinking of all those algebraic equations I could never get my head round even with extra tuition.  The voice of Jock, our Scottish Maths Master, shouting ‘dunderheads’ when no-one in class knew the answer to what he deemed a straightforward calculation but was in fact the formula for rocket fuel is still booming out in the deepest recesses of my mind.  Thinking of maths lessons still gives me the shivers even after all these years.  

In any case you can make people take all the extra maths lessons in the universe but they’ll still figure that 2+2=5 in their world.  Really Rishi this is not the greatest of moves to encourage the young future electorate to vote Tory, is it?  Or the parents of said future electorate who already struggle to cope with maths homework as it is – yep, no tick in the Tory ballot box from them either.

 

What to do with all that extra maths knowledge says Careermonk

If you want the future electorate to grow up numerate then perhaps revisiting the existing curriculum and how it is delivered is the way forward.  Replace algebra or trigonometry with basic life maths that teaches young people the difference between annual/monthly compounding interest, household budgeting, managing a mortgage or pension savings and tax. 

Yeah even Pink Floyd hated maths ….

         We don’t need maths education

         We don’t need MORE thought control

         No calculations in the classroom

         Politicians leave them kids alone

PEE PEE TAX

Feeling flush?  Not satisfied with ruining us financially in their pursuit of unicorns, the Government has apparently set a target of reducing average water demand by a fifth by 2038.  Nice of them to communicate this to the nation as I certainly was unaware that the wet baby was soon to be chucked out with the bath-water but according to this article that appeared in Saturday’s edition of The Times ‘behaviour change by individuals is considered essential’ if this target is to be achieved.

 

The freedom to flush soon to disappear

Typical of the Tories to urge everyone into using LESS water rather than coming up with MORE ways to increase rainwater capture particularly since the UK has had above average rainfall for the month of March.  Pee Pee tax or free water butts to every household with a garden?  I know what I think would be the better option but no doubt, water companies will be ‘urged’ to increase standing charges to force us to wash less, flush less and drink less.

 

Big butts are better for saving water

Plenty of cash available to replenish the armouries of ammunition given to the Ukraine for their war but none available to build reservoirs or pipelines to move water from wetter areas to those drier parts of the country.  This is the UK rain is inevitable so why aren’t we doing more to scoop it up rather than letting it go to waste?  When I say ‘we’ I mean everyone as I already have 2 water butts and am saving for a mega rain tank to keep the veggie bed from drying out. 

Scarcity of water would not be an issue if the Government rationed housing development to control water demand in hard pressed areas or ensured that all new houses were built with systems that harvested rainwater in the first place.  Large underground water storage tanks with pumps connected to fill up toilet cisterns are the way forward for developments that have gardens.  But no, we couldn’t possibly expect wealthy developers to be so progressive or foot the bill to build sustainable eco-homes when they need all that profit to fill their swimming pools, could we?

 

All new housing developments should have one

I can tell you now that I’m certainly not going to be standing in the shower with a stop watch and as for that ‘mellow yellow’ mantra, forget it!  When I go to the loo, I don’t discriminate.  It’s rubber dinghy rapids for number 1’s and number 2’s.  No smelly pee pee festering in the pan for me, thank you very much.

Down With Pee Pee Tax 

LOG STORE TRUMPS

Not to be outdone in the game of log store trumps, the other half has recycled all the leftover timber from the patio project to make a large wood store for our front driveway.

 

Recycling left over timber 

Painted in Cuprinol Ducksback 

Of course, his entry into the Eurovision Wood Store Contest has been awarded 10 points for robustness, sustainability and capacity but for colourfulness as well as functionality, I think mine is definitely a front-runner.

 

Robust and spacious

Function and colour

All we need now is a delivery of logs so that we can properly road test our contraptions to see if they are truly fit for the purpose.

CRATE EXPECTATIONS

What the Dickens?  Miss Havisham portrayed by the BBC as a cruel, man-hating, opium smoking old lush.  That’s certainly put an Oliver Twist into the fusty old Dickens I remember reading at school.  I’m loving the period crack-whore look of Estella, maybe it’ll catch on.

 

The wonderful Miss Havisham

Anyhow, I have a few expectations of my own – crate expectations as I’m making a storage unit out of old wooden fruit crates for my patio.  And pray why would you want to do that?  Well unlike Miss Havisham who can afford to heat her dilapidated palatial old pile from her drug derived fortune, I’ve decided to blow the last of my savings on fitting a wood burning stove in the lounge as I’m sick of freezing my arse off because it’s too costly to put the gas central heating on.

Soon to become a log store

 

Has your mother sold her mangle?  Yes, this and anything else that might raise a few pennies to spend on kindling or kiln dried logs so that I can toast my tootsies whilst waiting for summer to arrive. 

Yesterday's hailstones

Got to love the British springtime

As I need somewhere to store logs until winter then here’s a simple design idea for a wood store that appeals to my Scroogish upcycling nature.  In this post, we’re going to look at how to make a wood storage unit from old crates. 

For this project you will need: 

Wooden fruit crates – I got mine from Ebay (£38 for 3) which has an extensive selection of rustic apple boxes, wine crates or slatted wooden boxes.  Go for a size large enough to store logs.  If your wood working skills are up to it then you can save even more cash by making your own crates out of old wood pallets.  However as my carpentry skills are on a par with sharpening pencils then I’m buying ready-made crates.

 

Crates - buy online or make your own

Exterior paint – You won’t need much so a reasonably sized tester pot should suffice.  B&Q’s paint mixing counter offered the most cost-effective solution – Valspar tester pots 236 ml size priced at £4.  They can mix up a ‘garden paint’ base in any colour and one pot is just about large enough for 2 coats per crate. 

 

Valspar exterior garden paint

I’ve picked some nice bright colours to jazz up the patio:  Paradiso (blue), Wise Grasshopper (green) and Buttered Crumpet (yellow).

 

Be bold with your colours

Timber – Enough to make legs, a solid top and a raised bottom for your storage unit.  I’ve painted mine black for a bit of contrast.

 

Timber top and base

Before making your storage unit, you will need to sand and paint up your wooden fruit crates both inside and out.

 

Rustic crates may need a few repairs

Sand out splinters and imperfections

Apply exterior paint

Once the crates have been painted, it’s time to make a raised base for your crates to sit on.  Firstly, cut your timber into 2 rectangles, one for the top and one for the bottom.  These should be larger than your crate, the top should overhang all the way round to keep the rain off your logs. 

Next cut some thick timber off-cuts into chunks to make 4 legs for the base.  If you don’t have any chunky timber, you can use furniture legs as this will look less rustic especially if you are going to use your storage unit indoors.  The main thing is to raise the structure off the ground thus keeping the wood from getting wet when it rains.  Screw the legs underneath one of the timber rectangles and paint in your chosen colour.

 

Screw legs under base then paint

Finished base unit

When your painted crates, base and top are dry then the unit can be put together.  Position the first crate on to the raised base and screw down at the corners using wood screws or nuts/bolts. 

 

Position the bottom crate onto the base

Fix into place with nuts/bolts

Are you making a new cat house?

Stack the next crate on to the bottom one and secure in position.  Repeat until all three crates are stacked on top of each other. 

 

Attach the middle crate

Attach the final crate

Finally, screw the top timber panel into place.  

Counter sink wood screws then paint black

You should now have a free-standing unit that is ready for use.  I’m going to further weatherproof my log store by applying a coat of clear yacht varnish to the entire structure before putting it out on the patio.

 

Finished unit ready to varnish

A simple and effective way to make a wood store.  You could apply this same methodology to making funky rustic indoor storage units to jazz up a children’s play room or screw smaller crates directly onto a wall to make rustic shelves.  

Custom made patio log store

There are plenty of ideas online for inspiration or to meet your crate expectations.  I'm already thinking of buying more crates to make some smaller units to put next to the garden bench so they can be used as drinks tables.

CHICHESTER - BEST PLACE TO LIVE

Wow!  Chichester has been named as the ‘Best Place to Live in the South East of England’ in the annual Sunday Times guide, a document no doubt as influential as The Bible, Magna Carta or last weeks edition of Private Eye which is always a riveting read. 

Market Cross

Now whilst I don’t wish to pour oil on troubled waters, they’ve got enough of that in Poole at the moment, I do wish to add some of the finer points of living the Chi life that perhaps The Times left out of their rose-tinted report. 

So, what does anyone wishing to relocate to Chichester really need to know?  I’ll try to balance out some of the negatives with positives as having moved here two years ago then it can’t be all that bad. 

Unlike the sprawling noisy metropolis that is Bournemouth where we used to live, the pace of life in Chichester is certainly more genteel.  I would go as far as to say that Chi is a middle class, well to do town that prides itself on its English heritage.  The city centre with its ankle-twisting cobbled pedestrian precinct, dominant cathedral and eclectic collection of both chain and independent shops is indeed a pleasant place.  Everything is within walkable distance.  There is a good selection of pubs, cafes, restaurants, lots of charity shops, a couple of cinemas and a world class theatre.  There’s even a canal.  What’s not to like? 

Chichester cathedral

Now when I said that Chi was a well-to-do town what I meant is that it doesn’t do to be poor round these parts.  Most of the establishments in town are up market chains catering for those well above my pay grade and whilst I don’t begrudge quality or designer retailers for opening up a branch in town what is really needed are shops for ordinary folk earning basic salaries.  Shops such as Primark, Peacocks or Wilko would be welcomed with open arms but instead we get The Ivy and Oliver Bonas where a second mortgage is needed as soon as you step over the threshold.  Primark, Peacocks or Wilko if you are reading this, there are plenty of empty premises in our High Street where you would be more than welcome. 

And when I said that in Chi everything was within walking distance what I really meant is that it is a nightmare to drive round.  When you’re not stuck in a queue waiting for level crossing barriers to be lifted, you’re grappling with the navigational puzzle that makes up the one-way gyratory roads round the centre and the numpties driving on these.  The same numpties who don’t know what lane they should be in or fail to indicate as they weave in and out of traffic oblivious to the mayhem they’re causing to the driver behind.  You are likely to get around faster on foot and its safer! 

Even worse is the A27 approaching Chichester from either east or west directions, probably one of the worst thought out commuter routes in the country.  Through traffic is forced round a series of roundabouts skirting the city centre like a giant dot-to-dot.  The driving style round here can only be described as aggressive – speeding, tailgating, lane weaving, horn honking impatience is the order of the day especially on the roundabouts that appear to have been designed like a game of motoring Russian roulette.  Accidents are ten-a-penny and not a day goes by when local traffic news doesn’t mention queues at the Fishbourne roundabout.

 

Fishbourne roundabout - what a nightmare!

If you thought driving standards were bad then you haven’t seen the state of some of the local roads.  In Britain we drive on the left but what is really meant round here is we drive on what’s left of the roads.  I’m talking flooding and potholes which unlike some salad vegetables there definitely isn’t a shortage of.  The Quarry Lane lido is a popular bathing spot for pedestrians working on the industrial estate and when local roads can’t deal with surplus surface water, the council just close them rather than clear out drains or come up with a solution to the continual drainage problem. Be prepared for scenic detours. 

Summer time and the weather is hot and so are tempers on the A286 leading down to The Witterings beach.  If you fancy a day out at the only sandy beach close to Chichester then don’t forget to pre-book or pack emergency rations.  Day trippers have probably been known to die of thirst or starvation in their cars before they’ve even managed to get to the seaside as the traffic is that bad.  It’s quicker to drive to Bournemouth beach if you can get safely through the roundabouts. 

Earlier I mentioned that Chi does have a world class theatre and having been a patron of the performing arts for many a year, I can’t fault the fabulous Festival Theatre but what Chi does lack is a vibrant live music scene.  There is no dedicated concert hall or event venue for live music other than one or two of the local pubs so those of us who still have the energy to enjoy a mosh or two have to travel to nearby Worthing, Portsmouth, Southampton or Brighton to let our hair down and rock on.  Sadly, public transport other than trains if they run at all or operate that late is not an option. 

 

CFT - brilliant!

As well as being voted the best place to live, perhaps the Sunday Times should have voted Chichester as the newest London borough since there are probably more city slickers living here than in the Big Smoke itself.  Now I have nothing against Londoners but it seems they have brought with them some of the less attractive aspects of living in the capital such as the compulsory 12% service charge added to restaurant bills, higher prices for fuel and second home ownership. 

So there you have it, it’s official - Chichester is the best place to live but only if you have a fat wallet, drive like a lunatic and are happy to spend summer in your back garden.  We love Chi and as Meatloaf once said ‘two out of three ain’t bad’.