NESSUN DORMER

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!

That’s the sound of money being squandered on what might be considered unnecessary work to the house but which in my head, is deemed justifiable.

I’m paying to have the rear dormer refurbished. Why? For a number of reasons that largely include water pooling on the sagging flat roof, lack of guttering, zero insulation, flimsy cladding and all the aesthetic appeal of a rotting cucumber.

When the developers originally built our house, they must have just plonked on any old dormer with no thought given whatsoever to its design or functionality. I mean just look at it.  It's hideous.

Dreadful dormer

Three windows haphazardly spaced across the front instead of being nicely grouped to give a more pleasing external appearance. In the ideal world, I would prefer to have a dormer with a pitched roof or one with windows spaced out like this one:

What I wish I had instead

However, not being as rich as Rockefeller, I don’t have the cash to completely demolish the existing structure and start again. Plus, a pitched roof would require formal planning permission/building regs approval thus adding even more to the bill so I’m having to make do with a few cosmetic tweaks instead. New timbers, lots of insulation, guttering and the awful white plastic cladding replaced with darker roofing tiles.

Unfortunately, nothing can be done about the positioning of the windows much to my displeasure as this is classed as a structural alteration. Got to live with what you’ve got. And at around £5K for cosmetic tweaks, there would be more bang for my buck splashing out on dermal fillers to sort out my jowly chops.

Still, it’s post Bank Holiday, the builder blokes are here ripping off the roof of the rear dormer window, a structure that I’ve been informed has been royally bodged left, right and centre by all accounts.

‘Was the rubber roof on your dormer there when you bought the house?’ the dirt-covered dude asked smiling rakishly.

‘Yes’ I tentatively replied ‘we’ve not meddled with either of the dormers’ at the same time wondering where this conversation was going and whether it would end in a hefty increase to the quoted cost.

With almost great glee, the handy bloke informed me that the rubber roof we had on our dormer had been plonked on top of the old felt one or rather three previous felt ones. It also transpired that the original roof had been constructed on timbers that were not the right height, had not been insulated and at least two of the three layers of felt hadn’t been properly stuck down. Anything else?

I was assured that all of these shenanigans could be magically rectified but I would have a lot more rubbish to take to the tip. Phew! Is that all?

Rubbish – now there’s a popular topic de jour. To get round the requirement of paying to dump commercial waste, it seems the trades are now foisting disposal of any work-related rubbish onto their customers. It was emphatically pointed out at the quote stage of this project that dumping was my responsibility and not theirs.

Okay. I get it. You want me to hump everything down to the local recycling centre so you won’t have to pay for trade waste. Not a problem if I thought I'd be getting my work done cheaper as a result but I think its more a case of they don't want the hassle of having to deal with waste removal.

Something else to factor in if you are getting work done because if you haven’t got a local tip near you then it might mean having to shell out for a skip and these aren’t cheap. Judging by this little lot, it’s going to be multiple trips to the tip!

Rubbish removal? That's your job missus

DOOR TRANSFORMATION

May the fourth be with you!

Feeling refreshed after a nice cuppa and forty winks, it’s time to get back to the business of pimping this understairs cupboard door before I have to fight off any passing stormtroopers who may want to quash my decorating rebellion.

Using the same materials as for the wall panels, the other half has cut 4 pieces of MDF in sizes to match the existing panels. I’ve primed and sanded all the pieces before sticking them into position.

Prime/sand all pieces beforehand

To create a panel square on the door to match those of the wall panels, I’ve attached these MDF lengths to the painted door using a layer of CT1 spread thinly along the back of each piece. 

Stick MDF into place from bottom up

Clamp glued bits to the door then allow to dry completely. This should minimise any gaps along the edge although these can always be disguised with decorator’s caulk.

Clamp MDF to outer edge of door

As you can see, I can’t fit the top horizontal piece in place because the bakelite back plate and handle are in the way. Hmmm – how to get round this without having to template cut the panel to fit the shaped back plate?

Bakelite back plate in the way of top panel piece

I know. I’ll remove the door handle and back plate then re-fit it on top of the MDF piece. Sounds like a plan.

Work out where your door handle is going to sit on the panel then cut out a hole for the spindle as this will need to poke through from the other side.

Cut a hole for the handle spindle

Fortunately, the vintage spindle has extra holes on it that should make it just about long enough to account for the additional thickness of the MDF so there is no need to scout about online for a longer spindle. 

Check spindle holes 

I've also had to gouge out a channel in the dado rail to allow the back plate to sit flat onto the MDF panel lengths.  Doesn't look too pretty but I'm hoping a good paint job will help to hide the worst.

Adjust dado rail to accommodate back plate

Paint everything in your final colour first, before re-fitting the back plate/door knob.

Now all that’s needed is to make the smaller mitred frame to fit inside the door's panel square. Where has the other half got to? He went off to B&Q ages ago. Perhaps he got captured by those pesky stormtroopers and is now rotting in a dark, dingy extra-terrestrial jail cell?  The lengths he'll go to in order to get out of doing carpentry!

PIMP MY DOOR

They’ve come for your car, your heating and now they’re gunning for your tumble dryer. Another consumer choice being systematically removed by Muppet Miliband in his quest to conquer carbon. When will this net zero madness end?

Don't let them take me away

Although I have a condensing tumble dryer purchased years ago for climate ‘emergencies’ ie to get round the situation where you can’t dry clothes during Britain’s lengthy rainy spells, it has remained unused in the garage for the past 5 years. Why? Because when you’ve got a washing line outside it would be cheaper to burn fivers than to tumble clothes.

Tumble dryers are one of those 'vampire' devices that suck the living daylights out of the grid as well as your wallet.  It's no wonder Miliband's got it in for them.  He would rather we all stopped using electricity than putting in place proper power infrastructure to enable cheap renewable energy to be zapped down to every home in the land when its needed.  Much cheaper for the Government as a whole to reduce demand altogether or manipulate folks into using energy when they want you to instead of when you want to.

But what about all those folks who live in blocks of flats or dwellings that have no gardens in which to dry their wet clobber? I foresee them forever trapped, tripping over a clothes horse for the rest of their days if this bonkers tumble dryer ban comes to pass. Better get a new one now before the shops sell out as it seems panic buying has already started.

This carbon craziness is all too much for my tiny head to get round at this time of day so instead I’m turning my thoughts to the door of the understairs cupboard.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A couple of reprobates bought a dilapidated property which they set about transforming into a more desirable empire, free from the tyranny of wood chip wallpaper. These rebel forces replaced all the cheap nasty hollow doors with lovely 1930’s styled oak veneer doors.

1930's styled oak veneer door

All except one. The portal to the understairs dimension - a black hole so deadly that those who enter it have no idea what they’ll encounter or even if they’ll emerge alive.

This door looks dreadful

To crush any future decorating rebellions once and for all, I’ve concocted a sinister death star of a DIY plan to bring the bland understairs cupboard door in line with the rest of the corridor. I’m pimping my door.  Steady on there, old girl. 

Yep, I’m going to pimp this door so that it blends in with the rest of the wood panelling because I can’t bear to look upon its boring, flat face any longer. What? I hear you all shout but that’s impossible! Listen up, in my world, anything’s possible. The trick is to find the way to make it happen.

But more about that later. It’s so hot all the words in my head have melted together like a bit of cheddar under a sizzling grill. Chhhhheeeezzzz… 

It's time for a lie down in a dark room where I can cool off and dream of tasty Edam, door panels and burying Ed Miliband under a gigantic mountain of sopping wet un-tumbled blankets.

TESTING - ONE, TWO, THREE

Speed limits in force for system testing. 

Testing a motorist’s patience is more like it!

For the past 5 years, journeys from east to west (and vice versa) along the M27 have been plagued with seemingly never-ending roadworks in a bid to turn this innocuous stretch of tarmac into a ‘smart’ motorway.

In that time political parties have come and gone yet the project has still NOT been fully completed although we were all promised it would be by Spring 2026. Not that I’m an impatient driver or anything but just how much longer is it going to take? Temporary average speed cameras, signage and other road-working paraphernalia still clutter the verges and as if this wasn’t bad enough, now there’s the system testing.

System testing that’s taking longer than the Hundred Years war. Just how long does it take to test if a motorway is smart? Or rather my question is, when will the 50 mph temporary speed limit be lifted?

According to a recent news report, 50 will now continue to be the new black until the end of June.

Cynically, I’m wondering if this subterfuge of testing the system is a precursor to a mandatory reduction of overall speed limits between junctions 3 and 12 which is where most of the traffic bottlenecks occur during the rush hour. Bloody obvious, isn’t it! Don’t think I didn’t notice that the odd stretch now and again at a lower speed has now become one long continuous reduction pretty much from Rownhams to Portsmouth. Sneaky, sneaky. I may be 63 but nothing wrong with my eyesight (yet).

The chimps working in the National Highways basement clearly think it’s a smart thing for cars to go a lot slower particularly where slip roads are involved because that’s usually where prangs occur.

Why? Largely the result of drivers not slowing down for traffic merging from the left or those who are joining the motorway not bothering to indicate or erratically pulling straight out in front of you. Plus, you’ve got to account for ditherers. If you’re going to merge then do it. Don’t wait for an invitation, just indicate then smoothly join in with the rest of the traffic. That’s the spirit.

What National Highways haven’t taken into consideration is whilst this motorway may be deemed ‘smart’ those behind the wheel often aren’t. There have been times I’ve seen driving antics on this stretch of road that would make your hair curl!

Distance from Chichester to Bournemouth is roughly 64 miles. With no traffic holdups and travelling at a speed of 70 mph, it should take about an hour to complete this distance. Prior to M27 roadworks, I’d do this journey in around 50-60 minutes.

Travelling the same distance at a speed of 50 mph, journey time can be anything between 1 hr 30 to 2 hours depending on time of day and volumes of traffic.

I do hope that when all this system testing is finished, normal 70 mph service can be resumed but no doubt by then a new set of roadworks will kick off and we’ll all be back to square one.