UNPREPARED BRITAIN

And whilst I’m on the subject about Britons being unprepared for extreme weather conditions, I thought I’d take a few minutes to blab on about this topic in the hope that by expelling all my hot air it might help cool down the rest of my body.

Climate is changing. That message has been rammed down our throats for the last two decades so often that I’ve now got a poker hanging out my arse. Yet I see little evidence of the UK adapting for future living in climatic conditions that are only likely to get worse as time goes on according to scientific doom-mongers.

Wetter winters and hotter summers are trending now which means we should have started thinking ahead years ago as to how the nation as a whole may cope with these conditions in daily life going forward.

Reservoirs and rainwater harvesting is imperative. The country needs to collect and store as much of the precious wet stuff during the winter months in order to have a plentiful supply for the hotter, drier months.

Instead, our usual approach is to ban the use of hose pipes or limit consumption. But if those in charge had the foresight to plan ahead then there would be enough water for life’s normal activities such as cleaning cars or watering lawns because rainwater harvesting would already have been legislated for.

We are an island nation, surrounded by sea water and with rainfall that most likely makes up a vast percentage of our weather. So, why are there no Government schemes for cheap butts? In the same way that solar panels are now being mandated for new builds, why is no-one inventing ways of using rainwater to flush toilets then making that compulsory for all new houses? Why do new property developments not include large underground rainwater storage tanks in gardens? Why isn’t there a Government target for the building of reservoirs imposed on water companies?

Every year, the tabloids are full of reports of wide-spread flooding in the community but I’m yet to read any articles promoting dredging of over-silted waterways, channels or gulleys being dug to divert surface water away from flood prone areas or improvements to sewer systems. It’s the same old, same old. Nothing changes except the climate.

Prepare for hotter summers say the media. To which the public response is to buy survival blankets to drape across windows or put their bed sheets in the freezer. Again, where is the foresight to put in place legislated procedures to mitigate against extreme heat?

There are no laws governing maximum temperatures in the workplace or public institutions such as schools/hospitals etc. Many businesses are totally unprepared having no air conditioning or other cooling mechanisms in place to safeguard their employees who are expected to sweatily soldier on regardless. 

It’s insane telling people not to travel unless they have to but having no clear legislative guidance in place to enable businesses to exercise flexibility in extreme weather conditions.

Of course the irony is that the air conditioning that everyone is now clamouring to install in order to keep super cool also heats up the atmosphere thus adding to those climatic conditions that lead to heatwaves in the first place.  No prizes for what's going to feature next on Muppet Miliband's Ban It List but my guess is - air con systems.

So, Andy Burnham. Your challenge is to put your climatic thinking cap on and draw up a climate change manifesto that includes:

Introducing maximum & minimum temperatures in workplaces to safeguard the health and wellbeing of employees.

Flexible trading hours for businesses so that they can close during peak midday sun then re-open later as is currently the practice across most hot Mediterranean countries.

By law, allowing employees to choose to work from home if maximum workplace temperatures are exceeded so that they don’t have to travel at all during extreme weather events and to safeguard their health/wellbeing.

Businesses to pay out extreme weather bonuses if minimum or maximum temperatures exceeded for workers who because of the nature of their work have to report for duty regardless of whether there’s an ice age or heat dome.

Planning legislation that mandates the inclusion of rainwater capture/air conditioning in all new homes and that future property developments also include flood risk prevention measures where development is taking place on flood plains or near rivers.

Imposing targets on water companies for upgrading sewer systems to more efficiently remove surface rainwater. They should be forced to demonstrate that flooding in town centres/communities has visibly reduced year on year and heavily fined when it hasn’t.

Reservoir building projects should be expedited in the same way that clean energy ones are.

Britain needs to stop procrastinating, stop waiting until the climatic horse has bolted, stop expecting citizens to just sort it out amongst themselves and start putting a future plan for climate change in place.

Climate change is not going away any time soon so at what point does someone, somewhere need to get off their political arse to do something about it? Rant over, I’m off to put my knickers in the freezer and buy a dozen survival blankets for the windows.

LVT FLOOR LAID

Britons may be totally unprepared for extremes of weather but thankfully flooring fitters are not.

Tapi’s fitter made short work of laying LVT planks in the corridor.

Getting round all the fiddly bits

Long planks flowing down from the door

There is now a lovely wood-like river flowing from front door to loo which sets off the wall panelling nicely.

River of LVT

LVT is going to be a far more practical alternative to that awful red carpet as it’ll make it easier to sweep up the avalanche of cat litter scatter-gunned everywhere by Bertie after a visit to his loo.

Good job humans don’t do the same thing every time we visit the toilet. Imagine what it would be like if we’d flung bits of used loo roll all over the floor after every number 1 or 2. Yuck!!! Not going to mentally go there!

In the ideal world, I’d have loved an engineered wood floor or a nice bit of parquet. More’s the pity that the previous owners of this house hadn’t put in parquet then covered it up with carpet as some people did back then as that would have been a fantastic surprise when I ripped out the old flooring. But no. Lack of taste or pennies or both, we’ll never know.

Just got to find a new coir mat to throw down next to the front door then I can declare this project officially finished – for now.

Looks lovely with wall panelling

A great improvement on the old

THE NEED FOR SCREED

‘Better poo at work as this floor’s taking ages to dry’ - the last text I sent to the other half from my joyless prison.

Seems like I’ve picked the hottest day of the year to get the fitters in to screed the bare corridor floor in preparation for LVT laying. My penance - spending the next 3-4 hours stuck in a hot, airless lounge with only a bucket to pee in.

BEFORE - bare floor ready to screed

Fiddly area to do

The poor bewildered moggy is probably wondering what he’s done to deserve being locked away in the bedroom where it is even hotter than downstairs. Poor Bertie. I’ll make it up to you later with some extra treats and belly rubs. He’s got a clean litter tray, large bowl of grub and a gallon of water so before any of you ring the RSPCA, I can assure you no cats were harmed in the making of this floor.

Meanwhile, stuck in the lounge with a bottle of chilled water and builder’s bucket in temperatures you could boil an egg in, my t-shirt has now collected enough sweat to water the veggies later on.

No good complaining, it’s gotta be done. I may have gotten away with screeding the floor of the downstairs loo but that was the size of a large postage stamp. This corridor is far too long and dog-legged to repeat the procedure especially since there are four doorways and the foot of the stairs to factor in. Leave it to the professionals, I say.

Screeding round the foot of the stairs

Several hours and half a dozen episodes of ‘Harlots’ later, the screed has slowly transformed from a shiny ice rink to a light grey haven of solidity, enabling access to both loo and kitchen. Hurrah!

Freshly poured screed

Smooth and shiny

What’s more, the smooth unblemished surface is deliciously cold so excuse me whilst I strip down to my kecks and go starfish on it but first of all, I’d best let the cat out.

Four hours later - all dried out

Lovely cold surface to walk on

SOILED AGAIN!

Home, sweet home.

As much as I love spending time with my aged folks, I’m always pleased to get back on home turf away from the stink of urine splattered dressing gowns or endless meals of boiled potatoes and green beans. Such is the glamour of an octogenarian menu; they pretty much eat the same things every single day so it’s no wonder they suffer from vitamin deficiencies.

By all accounts, I’m back in the nick of time as the Met Office is predicting another ‘heatwave’. It’s curious that what designates a heatwave in the UK changes almost as much as a prime minister. Last year, it was temperatures over 30 degrees for 3 days in a row. This year, that classification has dropped to anything from 25 to 28 degrees for 3 days in a row.

Abroad, anything from 25 to 28 degrees is usually classed as ‘summer’ and not a heatwave but in belt-and-braces Britain, anything hotter than a cheese toastie spells trouble.

Can ‘heatwaves’ be confined to a specific UK region? I always thought that the term ‘heatwave’ would be a weather phenomena like an electric blanket that applies heat across a whole nation rather than to just tiny parts. But hey, I’m no meteorologist so what I know about this stuff could fit on the back of a fag packet.

Looking out of the window, it’s hard to figure out when this forecast heatwave is due to materialise. Today’s lack-lustre cloudy skies cannot be described as anything other than dreary rather than tropical. The only giveaway is the oppressive humidity that leaves you sweat-soaked if you so much as bat an eyelid.

This heat is exhausting!

Aside from one or two sunny spells, June has been largely disappointing to say the least but by all accounts, we’re now on red alert for tomorrow and Thursday. Crawl into a cool, dark cave and stay there. Only come out at night – that’s my plan of action.

Rain would not be very welcome on a day when I’ve had a super-sized dumpy bag of top soil delivered. Last thing I need is a squelchy dirt cowpat of elephantine proportions to barrow from driveway to garden.

Bag of soil anyone?

With indoor DIY projects at a standstill, I’ve turned my attention to the back garden. There’s a scruffy looking spot in front of the RNLI themed shed and under a lilac tree that could do with a bit of a primp.

Could this vista be improved?

Whilst ‘nanny sitting’, the other half kindly rustled up a narrow sleeper bed in front of the shed:

New sleeper bed in front of shed

And a zig-zag sleeper border to neaten the area under the tree.

Looks tidier already

Once filled with top soil and leaf mulch, I can then plant up these spots with either more strawberry plants or flowers to make the most of this extra growing space.

Ready to fill with top soil

I fancy a nice climbing rose to trail up and around the shed window. I’m hoping this might soften its appearance when looking at it from the lawn.

Now all that’s left for me to do is make this huge bag of soil disappear rather like the Labour Party have finally done to Out-on-his-ear Kier. So long, Starmer and hello Burnham.

Out with the old and in with the new

He’s got about 3 years before the next general election to turn this nation’s silk purse into a sow’s ear because unless he rips up the rule book to start again, he’s just going to be hampered by the same political and financial constraints that strait-jackets everyone in the prime ministerial hot seat. Good luck to you, mate.

To end on a more positive note, I may not have managed to get hold of tickets for Muse but I did enjoy a fantastic trip down memory lane going to the Foreigner gig at Wembley Arena. What an amazing show!

Foreigner - still awesome after 50 years