MALTESE FALCON

Okay so it’s a pigeon, not a falcon but I am in Malta keeping an eye out for anything vaguely resembling birds of prey.

Is that a Maltese Falcon?

Since the advent of smartphones, everyone’s life has become a mini movie shared with the world at large. Whether we want to watch it or not, is a different story.

We’re sat outside a lovely Italian trattoria (Da Pablo) in Valletta enjoying the ambiance, the delicious complimentary bread with balsamic vinegar and a glass of chilled beer when suddenly our holiday meal is gate-crashed by two bimbos who ignoring all diners, proceed to turn the restaurant into their own personal film set.

Restaurant and movie set

Lead actor, a brunette with more paint on her face than the Sistine Chapel, orders a glass of red vino. A cheeky little vintage which she then proceeds to swirl round and round. Perhaps not the greatest idea when wearing a beige ensemble straight out of the Kelly Hoppen holiday wear catalogue. Let’s hope she’s got a firm grip on that glass, I thought. I watched bemused and so did everyone else tucking into dinner.

Having been given directions on where to sit/stand/speak by her phone pointing movie-producing buddy, it’s Lights! Camera! Action! And so, a curious scene unfurls directly behind the other half who is busily stuffing huge quantities of carbonara pasta into his mouth in case there’s a biblical famine.

First, she sits holding the wine glass looking to camera for a few close ups, pouting like a halibut gasping for air. A swish of hair this way, then that way. Another pout. Wine glass aloft. Then put down again. Another pout and swish of heavily dyed locks. A sip of wine but not too much so as not to ruin her lippy.

With silent takes complete, time for scripted dialogue. Our leading lady pirouettes gracefully round the table next door where a man tucking into a huge bowl of moules mariniere almost has his pint knocked into his lap as she breezes past, oblivious to the fact that people are here to eat and not be a supporting cast.

She poses in the trattoria’s red doorway theatrically, glass in hand like Keith Floyd in a bad cooking commercial. Pout. Swish. Sashay away, winding round the tables in eel-like fashion. She eventually slips back into her seat with all the grace of a bowl of muesli, all the while gabbling away ten-to-the-dozen in some foreign tongue.

What could she be saying? I wondered. Can’t be a wine review, she’s hardly touched a drop. Food critic? Nah, not the way she swatted away that menu bearing waiter as if dismissing an annoying fly. Perhaps she’s one of those ‘influencers’ who like nothing better than to pose around in their best togs looking like they’re having the greatest holiday ever when the reality is they’re stuck in a shit room in some cheap hotel full of stag parties or Germans.

We’re almost on dessert when finally after about half a dozen takes, it’s a wrap. She leaves the untouched wine glass on the red checked tablecloth then flounces off whilst her friend settles the bar bill. The waiter flicks me a look that says ‘what the hell was that all about?’ before laying down some clean cutlery in case there’s a sequel.

What is the world coming to? I’m looking forward to a week’s worth of entertaining holiday dining. Maybe tomorrow I could audition for a speaking part! Failing that, I’ll just photo-bomb filming whilst coughing or farting loudly.

View from Valletta

UNPAID JOBS

I may have joined the ranks of the unemployed or ‘economically inactive’ since taking early retirement but the list of unpaid jobs I hold only seems to get longer as time goes on.

These are just some of the roles the public at large have taken on for which we’re not paid or receive any share of the benefits recouped from the companies who’ve now foisted these tasks upon us without even asking if we want to do them in the first place:

Supermarket checkouts – scan your own shopping but don’t think of getting it any cheaper now we’ve sacked all the cashiers.

Airport baggage desk – print a label, stick it on then heft your suitcase on the conveyor belt. Ha! Did you think we’d do it for you?

Tax Technician – Making Tax Digital so you can do HMRC’s work and they can retire early on gold plated pensions.

Bank clerk – manage your finances online then we can boost profits by closing branches and making staff redundant.

Financier – manage your pensions/investments online although we’ll still charge you an annual fund management fee for the privilege of doing so.

Carer – look after your own old fogeys as we can’t afford to do so from the public purse anymore.

School holiday childcare – boost the economy by spending an arm/leg to keep darling grandchildren entertained because parents can’t be arsed to.

Delivery driver – shop online then pick up your own parcels as this will free up costly warehouse space and save us paying couriers.

Librarian – pick a good read then scan it at the computer terminal on your way out. No reductions on council tax though.

Internet Content Provider – yeah, even mindless blogging makes money for someone somewhere.

Bank of Mum & Dad – purveyor of cheap loans, housing deposits etc, Ha!  The financial risk is all on you.

Recycling Operative – sort your own garbage but we’ll sell it then keep the profits.

Energy Supplier – help make Britain energy self-sufficient by harvesting renewables for the nation. Paying you a SEG tariff is still cheaper for the Government than importing fossil fuels or paying solar farms to switch off.

Cash Cow – taxpayer bailouts for Government policies, cock-ups and U turns. The money’s got to come from somewhere, hasn’t it?


With the advent of AI and continued automation of the workplace, the list of unpaid jobs we’ll be taking on is liable to get longer and longer. What we won’t see is any likely financial benefit in our pockets.

Jog on if you think company cost savings on staff or premises are going to be passed on to customers in the form of cheaper prices. Fat cats will get fatter while we will continue to be dumped on.

DORMER DONE

Final day of dormer work. We’re 2 hours in and thank goodness no other horrors have been discovered. Fingers crossed it continues this way until the end.

Where there was once a void between plasterboard and the exterior cladding, there are now various layers of breathable membrane and thick foam board insulation (Celotex) to keep us toasty when using the upstairs bathroom.

Rather than use UPVC or cement board cladding to cover the exterior, I have copied many of the other neighbourhood dormers and decided on dark roofing tiles instead. These should blend in better with the existing roof tiles, be very durable and look less dirty than white cladding.

Dark brown roofing tiles instead of cladding

The handy blokes have done a very neat job of battening round the windows and hanging the tiles. It’s already starting to look a lot nicer than the old dormer but the key thing is whether or not the added insulation will cut down on condensation often leading to black mould on the bathroom ceiling after a few hot showers. I’ll be keeping a close eye on this.

Lovely neat battening

Lashings of insulation, new rubber roof properly angled to prevent pooling water and guttering added. In short, it’s almost a completely new dormer less a full re-build.

My one gripe because there’s always something that’s less than perfect in my own little world is that they’ve left a line of exposed ragged edges at the point where the roofing tiles join the lead flashing. I would have expected a bit of brown trim or something to cover the exposed gap.  Maybe I'm just fussing.

Should there be trim covering this ragged edge?

Actually, there is one other tiny grizzle and that is in the way the tiles have been hung. They are perfectly straight but I feel the overall appearance might have looked better if the overlap rows had been closer together. I realise this would have meant using more tiles, maybe a tighter overlap may have provided greater weather-proofing as well as looking less clunky. God, you’re so picky!

Maybe the overlaps could have been tighter together?

Otherwise, great job chaps.  Very happy with my super-pimped rear dormer. Roll on winter as I can’t wait to see whether the bathroom is warmer in the mornings or not.

A great job done

FORMER DORMER

More dormer drama!

It’s day 2 on the former dormer project and last week’s heatwave has turned into one of those cold grey, threatening to rain kind of days. Just the sort of thing you really want when your bathroom's going topless.  This crabby weather doesn’t appear to have dampened the builder’s enthusiasm for this thankless task.

On today’s dormer menu is cladding removal. Oh no, looks like under that horrible white plastic cladding is… Well, nothing. I mean there’s absolutely not a stitch.  No insulation or anything remotely bridging the gap between plastic and plasterboard. No wonder it’s decidedly chilly willy every time you shower.

In addition to not having one shred of insulation, the photos taken by the cheeky chappie show all the supporting dormer timbers are like the current government, rotten to the core. Rotten, damp and likely to lead to further issues if not immediately replaced. Oh God. Not a trip to Travis Perkins – let’s just throw a few more zeros on to the final price, why don't you.

Unfortunately, this is the downside to buying older properties. Building regulations were different back then and even though logically it would make sense in any century to insulate your homestead, if there’s no legal requirement to do so then developers are not going to bother.

Whilst this melodrama unfolds high above me, the transformation of the understairs cupboard door is proving to be much less of a headache.

Mitred frame has been added, joints caulked and paint applied. Already there’s a vast visual improvement.

All ready to paint

The bakelite back plate fits neatly into the gap made in the dado rail and luckily, the existing vintage spindle had enough holes in it to enable me to put the door knob into its new home with no problems.

Bakelite door fittings back in place

Just add artwork and you’d almost never know there’d been a plain old door there in the first place. 

Artwork hung with Command strips

With its new panelled persona, the door blends almost seamlessly in with the rest of the walls. I hope you'll agree that is miles better than before.

Thumbs up to pimping up plain doors!

BEFORE - plain door

AFTER - Wow, what a difference