YEAR OF THE WAR HORSE

Looks like 2026 is shaping up to be the Year of the War Horse now that Trump has decided to bomb the crap out of the Middle East for reasons known only to orange jelly babies.

Great film and book

Entertaining sub titles on the Beeb’s morning news reportage – HMS Dragon still docked at Pompey apparently waiting for a beautician. Hilarious! Clearly the AI subtitle monkey can’t distinguish between the words ‘munitions’ and ‘beauticians.’ 

I think I prefer their erroneous version because the thought of going to war without perfectly manicured nails, exfoliated skin or unwaxed upper lip is just unthinkable.

Profiteering at the pumps, inflation wave and energy price cap increases all heading our way just when I thought the UK might have been turning an economic corner. It’s another one of those unfortunate setbacks for the Government and personal finances - life won’t be getting any cheaper any time soon!

However, global conflict is no excuse for changing one’s plans. Prices may rocket but I’m still heading for the exit come what may. We'll just have to manage somehow.

THE ORDER OF THINGS

Arctic blast on the way. Cheapest way to keep warm? Get a cat rug.

Months ago, I bought a small brown throw on one of my charity shop trips to keep me warm whilst knitting in front of the telly. Bertie had other ideas and has now commandeered it as his own personal cat bed.

Nice rug 

Not to be thwarted in my efforts to keep arctic chills at bay, I’ve now realised that by draping the rug over my lap to create a human cat bed, I can mooch all his kitty heat at the same time as he absorbs mine. It’s a symbiotic relationship worthy of a Blue Planet documentary.

There is a natural order of things that exists in the animal kingdom and so too in the world of household renovations. The trick is to work out what that order is to successfully bring about the desired end result.

I’ve decided that my wood panelling natural order of things is as follows:

1. Build all panelled sections to the point that they are ready to prime/paint.
2. Apply two coats of primer, sanding everything lightly between coats
3. Mask up the primed panels with a dust sheet
4. Paint the walls above each panelled area with two coats of matt emulsion
5. Carefully remove dust sheets
6. Paint all panelled sections with your choice of colour using silk or eggshell finish paint.

By painting the walls first, I hope to avoid covering my wood panels with unsightly splashes of coloured paint.

What I haven’t decided is whether or not to paint the panels white to create a contrast to the darker green walls or to use what is known as colour drenching.

Colour drenching is a technique used by interior decorators whereby they paint all available surfaces in the same colour or in similar colour tones. Skirting, architraves, coving, pipework even radiators would all be painted exactly the same. Apparently having everything the same shade creates an aura of sophistication, cohesion and can sometimes make rooms look bigger.

Since adding a bit of posh was the whole point of fitting panels to the corridor in the first place then I will make my final choice once the walls have been painted as then I can assess the effect on the overall order of things using the primed panels to help make the decision.

In the meantime, just need temperatures to climb into double figures and remain continuously high so that I can press on with some painting.

FOUR WEEKS TO GO

Not long now before we spring forward into British Summer Time. In anticipation of my own ‘springing forward’ into early retirement, I’ve already packed the contents of my office desk. Yep, one-way ticket to the Principality of Cuppa & Feet-Up bought and paid for.

Mug, pot plant, a few framed family photos, a wrung-out tube of hand-cream, packet of out-of-date Lemsip, a collection of pocket-tissues (unused) and a diverse selection of pharmaceuticals to alleviate all those pains in the neck, hands and arse caused by sedentary office job all squeezed into a small cardboard box. Drawers cleared. Papers shredded. A zillion biros handed back to the Stationery Monitor.

Is that it? Five years of service and that motley collection of tut is all I’ve got to bring home. In fact, I would have qualified for a length of service award to mark the passing of the last 5 years but I’ll eat my hat if our disorganised management actually remember to arrange a certificate before I leg it.

Four weeks to go and if this morning’s anything to go by then the rest of the month is due to rapidly descend into headless chicken chaos. It transpires that my replacement is starting next Monday which my boss had conveniently forgotten to mention. In her usual last-minute.com manner she’s now decided to re-organise all the office furniture because that’s what you do when you’ve got new starters starting. Advance strategic planning notably absent from her management tool kit despite working in a busy financial environment.

As a self-confessed control freak being surrounded by disorganised numpties is my worst possible nightmare. Is it any wonder I’m heading for the exit? Had I been in charge of our team, I would have re-arranged the furniture weeks ago in readiness for staff changes. 

But there you go. Everyone’s different so head down, drink coffee and keep crossing the days off the desk calendar until month end.

FUNDED BY YOU

Independence Day? Not again!!!

The Beeb’s Royal Charter is up for renewal next year and already the emotional blackmail has begun. ‘Funded by You’ - a much over-used slogan continually reminding us that when it comes to telly, you’ve no other choice but to get a licence in order to watch it. An undemocratic unpopular TV tax if ever there was one.

Funded by you?  Wish it wasn't

I don’t know about you but I’m more than happy to pay for something I want. Honestly though, the bilge that passes for TV these days has me scrabbling through my DVD collection more and more as time goes on.

Being a saddo with far too much time on my hands in the afternoons, I’ve perused this week’s tabloid TV guide to see how many films the BBC have on offer. The data is bleak.

BBC 1 has only 2 films scheduled after 5pm (Weds & Friday) both of which are on after midnight. Brilliant if you’re Count Dracula but pants for us mere mortals.

In contrast, BBC 2 is showing films almost nightly but all except one movie are scheduled to start after 11 pm. Again, brilliant for Count Dracula or all those retired/unemployed/night owls but pants for the working majority.

The rest of the Beeb’s schedule is peppered with the kind of shite you’d only see on a pig farm. It stinks!

Why am I being robbed of £180 per year for this muck? My Netflix subscription only costs me £72 per annum. I want recent films, thrilling dramas or interesting documentaries and I’d like to see them before I go to bed thank you very much, particularly during the working week which means prior to 10 pm.

I also want choice! Scrap the TV licence altogether then completely re-engineer the Beeb. In my ideal TV world, I would:

Set up a dedicated BBC sports channel so that anything which involves a bat/ball/cue/dart/racket or other form of physical exertion are removed from everyday viewing and broadcast to those peeps who are genuinely interested.

Same goes for all that reality tripe that gets served up daily. These types of programmes only fit for viewers with the IQ of a bag of compost would be consigned to a dedicated BBC Entertainment channel and taken off terrestrial TV altogether.

I would also set up a subscription service for BBC iPlayer so that those who do want to watch Beeb programmes pay for it.  It would be competitively priced to rival Prime or Netflix and be considerably cheaper than it is now.

Leave a basic free terrestrial service covering news, documentaries and kids TV and fund this by commercial advertising revenues like all the other channels do. This new Basic Beeb to include social education programmes covering topics such as finance, investing, fraud protection, DIY, gardening,travel and wellbeing.

Scrap this TV tax I say!! Its no longer serving the purpose in today’s modern streaming society where consumers want to pick what to watch and when to watch it. No-one really has time to sit down all evening to view stuff even more so when there’s nothing especially good to see. Most of us just want to ‘binge’ when it comes to watching telly, filling our heads with a never-ending glut of soaps or serials.

As there’s nothing worthwhile on the box, the other half and I have created the Independence Day Game which basically involves putting a pound in a pot every time this movie or its sequel is broadcast. To give you an idea of how often this film gets repeated, there’s already a fiver in the jam jar.

How often is this film shown on telly?

If Independence Day doesn't float your boat then try the Men In Black franchise but be warned, you may end up bankrupt as these movies get aired more than Lord Mandy's baggy white underpants.

Since Independence Day appears to be the go-to slot filler on pretty much every channel then looks like our replacement TV licence is going to be funded by repetition rather than by you.