BLACK HOLES

Whose idea was it to get a pond? Mine. Right. Well, in that case there’s nothing more to it but to roll up my sleeves and get digging.

I’ve been grubbing about in the dirt all week like a hyperactive mole in what can only be described as the black hell-hole of Chichester. The ground is as hard as concrete from lack of rain. There’s nothing but rocks in the soil and I mean lots and lots of the buggers. A stone slag heap hidden under the lawn.

It's taken a week to get this far

After a week of shovelling shit, I’ve filled three garden trugs with stones and three enormous dumpy bags with displaced earth. There are enough rocks to build a human sized cairn and yet I still haven’t gone down far enough for the pond to sit below the top level of the sleeper frame. It’s soul destroying.

Three of these full of stones

And three of these bags full of earth

My right forearm is so bruised, I’m surprised none of the neighbours have reported the other half for domestic abuse. Even under lashings of arnica cream it looks like an off-colour aubergine.

Just look at these bruises

My shoulders feel like an elephant sat on them and my back is consulting its union rep about possible strike action. When I set out on this hare-brained odyssey, I had no idea of the physical effort involved in digging out a gigantic hole in the garden.

Hats off to landscapers everywhere. What heroes!

DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN

Bertie is objecting to my use of the word ‘tabby’ to describe doddery old dears – says its ‘Catist.’ God, even the mog’s gone woke. What is this world coming to? Yes, I realise that cats can’t talk in real life but if they could, I’m sure that’s what they’d be saying and more.

These humans have no respect

Now that the Budget's been delivered and I'm supercharged from eating garlic flavoured gherkins plus I have the perfect frame to contain my pond, there’s the small matter of digging out a great big pond-shaped hole. Really not looking forward to this part of the project but it’s gotta be done.

Position pond within the frame then mark out its perimeter.

Mark out the shape of your pond

This is not as easy as it first sounds. I tried to do this with a weedy bamboo cane which barely scratched the surface of the rock-hard dirt then I used some stinky yellow line marking spray that dissolved my nasal lining. Not recommended especially without some kind of respiratory face protection. No doubt I’ll develop lung cancer or another equally hideous condition in the future for being so cavalier.

Eventually an outline is formed using a combination of hand trowel, smelly paint and stick which I can use as a guide for the outside edge of the hole.

Looks kinda like this

It’s now just a case of going all out Status Quo - down, down, deeper and down until you hit pay dirt, the height of the pond.

Can you dig it?  Yes you can!

GARLIC, GHERKINS & GAS

Well, well, well… This Halloween budget is turning into a financial spooktacular by all accounts. 

Has anyone else noticed that Horrible Healy bears an uncanny resemblance to another monster – Nosferatu? Dead ringer if you ask me. And whilst Nosferatu feasts on the blood of the innocent so too, the Chancellor.

Which one is a blood-sucking vampire?

Bad news for Nosferatu though – garlic’s getting cheaper. Great news for our household as being of Mediterranean extraction, I stick garlic in everything. And by the looks of things, I’ll be filling my Doomsday cupboard with gherkins, boiled sweets and kerosene ready for that apocalypse. Good move Healy since all these things probably have long sell by dates so should keep well in storage until the unseen foe strikes.

Not so good perhaps is your move to scrap gas standing charges although my cynical self suspects that this was always going to be on the cards somewhere down the line as part of the continued shift to electrification.

It’s the petrol/diesel scenario all over again. Diesel always demonised for its particulate emissions is by far a more economical fuel, giving greater mileage to the gallon than petrol. Having persuaded the nation to drive diesel, the Government then enables prices to go up at the pumps thus securing itself a nice little fuel duty nest egg as I expect most diesel drivers like me are reluctant to exchange their dirty little drives for an expensive, inefficient electric vehicle.

Same with natural gas. Gas boilers/cookers are by far more economical to run than their electric counterparts. Wholesale prices of gas are also cheaper than electricity. The Government knows this all too well but having given carte blanche to renewables, it must now create demand for electricity. After all, gas is a fossil fuel, it will kill the planet, blah, blah, blah. And so over time, gas storage facilities (holders) quietly disappear from our landscapes and hideous plots emerge to ban new domestic gas boilers.

Strangle supply, price it out of the market then punters will have no other choice but to plump for an alternative – in this case electricity. No choice, no contest.

Slight problem though. Gas has always been considerably cheaper for punters to use than electricity so like diesel drivers, most home owners are likely to be reluctant to switch to an expensive, inefficient heat pump.

There is also the issue that most net zero levies and other green energy costs are always lumped onto the electrical side of an energy bill rather than being split equally between gas and electricity.

Enter energy equalisation. Over time, expect the gas side of energy bills to continue to increase as the Government and Ofgem put in measures to re-balance things. I suspect this is what has prompted this gas ‘giveaway.’ Standing charges will disappear but consumption charges will continually increase. They’ve already put a toe in the water by making suppliers introduce no/low standing charge tariffs to see how things might work and also to satisfy complaints from low use energy customers.

Hmmm… I think whilst shovelling yogurt coated bran flakes laced with garlic into my mouth trying to stifle a cough at the same time so I don’t pebble-dash the laptop. As I’ve nothing better to do with my time these days then let’s just rifle through all those old energy bills to see how this proposed change might benefit.

Ooooh - don’t you just love early morning spreadsheets. Better than sex!

Let me start by putting some context around this Excel table that I’ve created to see whether I might be quids in or not.

I’m currently on a one-year fixed energy tariff with Octopus. I fixed my energy costs back in the summer in anticipation of the war in the Middle East dragging on and causing the same kind of disruption in the energy markets as the Ukrainian war. Probably just as well seeing as what might be coming down the price cap pipeline in January.

Looking at all my gas bills over the period October 2025 to October 2026, I paid a total of £104.39 in gas standing charges so if these are to be abolished then yippee! As luck would have it when I came to re-fix my energy back in July, the daily standing charge for gas dropped by 2.44p per day. However, gas consumption costs increased now making it slightly more expensive to shower, cook or heat the house.

Analysing my gas standing charges

When you compare the consumption rates and standing charges for gas to those of my electricity bill then you begin to realise how much more expensive it would be if we went fully electric.

My electricity standing charge is 15p per day more than gas. The difference in consumption charges is 17p. So, if the Government’s ultimate aim is to bring about equalisation in energy costs, then there will need to be a lot more increases on the gas side of the scales before it can balance out against electricity. The January price cap changes will provide the perfect opportunity for a good old gas price hike – blamed on war, of course.

Being on a fixed energy price tariff then I won’t find out until next summer what any new costs are likely to be but I better make sure I’m wearing a bubble-wrap cardi for when I fall off my chair in shock as it's sure to be a bloodsucker!

WAR IN A 1,000 DAYS

War is coming don’t you know? Apparently in a thousand days, according to Wes (you and whose army?) Streeting whose scaremongering message was pepper-sprayed across the weekend tabloids to galvanise the nation into action.

Of course, in 1,000 days there’s likely to be another general election probably making war someone else’s problem, not Wes’s. From bedpans to ballistics, Wes inherited defence from Horrible Healy who is now gearing up to wage war on our wonga on Wednesday.

However, for us over-weight, over-taxed, over-electrified oiks, it’s battle stations. Be ready! Be Prepared! Be anything other than sitting on your arse expecting someone else to be doing something whilst you watch the latest round of Celebrity Traitors in blissful oblivion.

To prepare for this imaginary ‘war’, the Government may have to introduce some policy changes:

Like retirement, the age of conscription will be pushed out to 70. If you can hold a fork, walk 200 yards unaided, dress yourself then you’re in. Britain needs YOU! Finger firmly pointing outwards. Report to your nearest Barmy Recruitment Office as soon as.

Ration Books like everything else will be digital. They’ll be over-complicated to obtain, function temperamentally and only likely to work with a top-of-the-range satellite phone. From China. You’ll need to handover a sackful of personal data to a faceless bot called Twinkle to register for the That’s-Your-Lot APP, precious data that can then be flogged to the enemy after the ‘war’ to re-build the economy.

Whilst details of your identity will be available to every hacker on the planet, in true Orwellian fashion our ‘enemy’ will remain an unknown quantity because the Nanny State knows best. It’s for our own good. We can’t handle the truth. Makes it easier to stoke up a good panic if we don’t know exactly who the bad ‘un is. China? Russia? Hackers? Migrants? That bloke over there with three heads wearing a paisley frock brandishing a ray gun? Not seen, not there. Unless the Government say they are then be ready.

Panic buying will become mandatory. Every household in the land will be sent a random weekly shopping list of over-priced, not needed items to purchase for the greater economic good of the nation. Toilet rolls, paracetamol, eggs or any other sensible items won’t be included on the PB list. Expect to see snail facial cream, air fryers, nose hair trimmers, incontinence pants, plastic pumpkins and Oasis tickets. Anything and everything useless will be on the list whilst the stuff you really need in a crisis will have mysteriously disappeared from supermarket shelves under alleged ‘supply chain issues.’

Richer households will be expected to fund their own defence equipment via a unique ‘Drone Deduction’ tax code that will enable the Revenue to plunder funds directly from your bank account. Anyone with more than fifty quid in coinage stored in either a whiskey bottle, piggy bank, shoebox under the bed or any other receptacle will be deemed a ‘richer’ household under new means-testing criteria to be introduced.

Having frog-marched the public down the electrified brick road by limiting consumer choice thus forcing us all to have smart phones, gadgets with remote access capability, electric cars, DAB radios, internet phone lines, online banking etc, etc, the Government has exposed every single one of us to the risk of cyber warfare. We’d not be in this position if we’d stuck with analogue TVs from Radio Rentals. Yet now with a household full of connectivity, we’ve all got targets on our backs. Is it any wonder some of us want to live ‘off grid?’

Modern warfare won’t require bomb shelters because a clever, unseen foe is just going to give an evil cackle, flick a switch, and bingo, its good-night Vienna. First, they’ll disable the web then they’ll pull the power. Or maybe it’ll be the other way round? Power first, then web. Hang on, let me just ask AI.

Well, whatever the order, we’re all going to be well and truly rogered whichever way you look at it. 

Stockpile or no stockpile, how will you open those tinned goods now your electric can opener is on the fritz? Believe me, cold baked beans are no-one’s idea of a delicious supper on a wet, wintery evening especially with no toaster to warm the bread first or melt the butter.