UNPAID JOBS

I may have joined the ranks of the unemployed or ‘economically inactive’ since taking early retirement but the list of unpaid jobs I hold only seems to get longer as time goes on.

These are just some of the roles the public at large have taken on for which we’re not paid or receive any share of the benefits recouped from the companies who’ve now foisted these tasks upon us without even asking if we want to do them in the first place:

Supermarket checkouts – scan your own shopping but don’t think of getting it any cheaper now we’ve sacked all the cashiers.

Airport baggage desk – print a label, stick it on then heft your suitcase on the conveyor belt. Ha! Did you think we’d do it for you?

Tax Technician – Making Tax Digital so you can do HMRC’s work and they can retire early on gold plated pensions.

Bank clerk – manage your finances online then we can boost profits by closing branches and making staff redundant.

Financier – manage your pensions/investments online although we’ll still charge you an annual fund management fee for the privilege of doing so.

Carer – look after your own old fogeys as we can’t afford to do so from the public purse anymore.

School holiday childcare – boost the economy by spending an arm/leg to keep darling grandchildren entertained because parents can’t be arsed to.

Delivery driver – shop online then pick up your own parcels as this will free up costly warehouse space and save us paying couriers.

Librarian – pick a good read then scan it at the computer terminal on your way out. No reductions on council tax though.

Internet Content Provider – yeah, even mindless blogging makes money for someone somewhere.

Bank of Mum & Dad – purveyor of cheap loans, housing deposits etc, Ha!  The financial risk is all on you.

Recycling Operative – sort your own garbage but we’ll sell it then keep the profits.

Energy Supplier – help make Britain energy self-sufficient by harvesting renewables for the nation. Paying you a SEG tariff is still cheaper for the Government than importing fossil fuels or paying solar farms to switch off.

Cash Cow – taxpayer bailouts for Government policies, cock-ups and U turns. The money’s got to come from somewhere, hasn’t it?


With the advent of AI and continued automation of the workplace, the list of unpaid jobs we’ll be taking on is liable to get longer and longer. What we won’t see is any likely financial benefit in our pockets.

Jog on if you think company cost savings on staff or premises are going to be passed on to customers in the form of cheaper prices. Fat cats will get fatter while we will continue to be dumped on.

DORMER DONE

Final day of dormer work. We’re 2 hours in and thank goodness no other horrors have been discovered. Fingers crossed it continues this way until the end.

Where there was once a void between plasterboard and the exterior cladding, there are now various layers of breathable membrane and thick foam board insulation (Celotex) to keep us toasty when using the upstairs bathroom.

Rather than use UPVC or cement board cladding to cover the exterior, I have copied many of the other neighbourhood dormers and decided on dark roofing tiles instead. These should blend in better with the existing roof tiles, be very durable and look less dirty than white cladding.

Dark brown roofing tiles instead of cladding

The handy blokes have done a very neat job of battening round the windows and hanging the tiles. It’s already starting to look a lot nicer than the old dormer but the key thing is whether or not the added insulation will cut down on condensation often leading to black mould on the bathroom ceiling after a few hot showers. I’ll be keeping a close eye on this.

Lovely neat battening

Lashings of insulation, new rubber roof properly angled to prevent pooling water and guttering added. In short, it’s almost a completely new dormer less a full re-build.

My one gripe because there’s always something that’s less than perfect in my own little world is that they’ve left a line of exposed ragged edges at the point where the roofing tiles join the lead flashing. I would have expected a bit of brown trim or something to cover the exposed gap.  Maybe I'm just fussing.

Should there be trim covering this ragged edge?

Actually, there is one other tiny grizzle and that is in the way the tiles have been hung. They are perfectly straight but I feel the overall appearance might have looked better if the overlap rows had been closer together. I realise this would have meant using more tiles, maybe a tighter overlap may have provided greater weather-proofing as well as looking less clunky. God, you’re so picky!

Maybe the overlaps could have been tighter together?

Otherwise, great job chaps.  Very happy with my super-pimped rear dormer. Roll on winter as I can’t wait to see whether the bathroom is warmer in the mornings or not.

A great job done

FORMER DORMER

More dormer drama!

It’s day 2 on the former dormer project and last week’s heatwave has turned into one of those cold grey, threatening to rain kind of days. Just the sort of thing you really want when your bathroom's going topless.  This crabby weather doesn’t appear to have dampened the builder’s enthusiasm for this thankless task.

On today’s dormer menu is cladding removal. Oh no, looks like under that horrible white plastic cladding is… Well, nothing. I mean there’s absolutely not a stitch.  No insulation or anything remotely bridging the gap between plastic and plasterboard. No wonder it’s decidedly chilly willy every time you shower.

In addition to not having one shred of insulation, the photos taken by the cheeky chappie show all the supporting dormer timbers are like the current government, rotten to the core. Rotten, damp and likely to lead to further issues if not immediately replaced. Oh God. Not a trip to Travis Perkins – let’s just throw a few more zeros on to the final price, why don't you.

Unfortunately, this is the downside to buying older properties. Building regulations were different back then and even though logically it would make sense in any century to insulate your homestead, if there’s no legal requirement to do so then developers are not going to bother.

Whilst this melodrama unfolds high above me, the transformation of the understairs cupboard door is proving to be much less of a headache.

Mitred frame has been added, joints caulked and paint applied. Already there’s a vast visual improvement.

All ready to paint

The bakelite back plate fits neatly into the gap made in the dado rail and luckily, the existing vintage spindle had enough holes in it to enable me to put the door knob into its new home with no problems.

Bakelite door fittings back in place

Just add artwork and you’d almost never know there’d been a plain old door there in the first place. 

Artwork hung with Command strips

With its new panelled persona, the door blends almost seamlessly in with the rest of the walls. I hope you'll agree that is miles better than before.

Thumbs up to pimping up plain doors!

BEFORE - plain door

AFTER - Wow, what a difference

NESSUN DORMER

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!

That’s the sound of money being squandered on what might be considered unnecessary work to the house but which in my head, is deemed justifiable.

I’m paying to have the rear dormer refurbished. Why? For a number of reasons that largely include water pooling on the sagging flat roof, lack of guttering, zero insulation, flimsy cladding and all the aesthetic appeal of a rotting cucumber.

When the developers originally built our house, they must have just plonked on any old dormer with no thought given whatsoever to its design or functionality. I mean just look at it.  It's hideous.

Dreadful dormer

Three windows haphazardly spaced across the front instead of being nicely grouped to give a more pleasing external appearance. In the ideal world, I would prefer to have a dormer with a pitched roof or one with windows spaced out like this one:

What I wish I had instead

However, not being as rich as Rockefeller, I don’t have the cash to completely demolish the existing structure and start again. Plus, a pitched roof would require formal planning permission/building regs approval thus adding even more to the bill so I’m having to make do with a few cosmetic tweaks instead. New timbers, lots of insulation, guttering and the awful white plastic cladding replaced with darker roofing tiles.

Unfortunately, nothing can be done about the positioning of the windows much to my displeasure as this is classed as a structural alteration. Got to live with what you’ve got. And at around £5K for cosmetic tweaks, there would be more bang for my buck splashing out on dermal fillers to sort out my jowly chops.

Still, it’s post Bank Holiday, the builder blokes are here ripping off the roof of the rear dormer window, a structure that I’ve been informed has been royally bodged left, right and centre by all accounts.

‘Was the rubber roof on your dormer there when you bought the house?’ the dirt-covered dude asked smiling rakishly.

‘Yes’ I tentatively replied ‘we’ve not meddled with either of the dormers’ at the same time wondering where this conversation was going and whether it would end in a hefty increase to the quoted cost.

With almost great glee, the handy bloke informed me that the rubber roof we had on our dormer had been plonked on top of the old felt one or rather three previous felt ones. It also transpired that the original roof had been constructed on timbers that were not the right height, had not been insulated and at least two of the three layers of felt hadn’t been properly stuck down. Anything else?

I was assured that all of these shenanigans could be magically rectified but I would have a lot more rubbish to take to the tip. Phew! Is that all?

Rubbish – now there’s a popular topic de jour. To get round the requirement of paying to dump commercial waste, it seems the trades are now foisting disposal of any work-related rubbish onto their customers. It was emphatically pointed out at the quote stage of this project that dumping was my responsibility and not theirs.

Okay. I get it. You want me to hump everything down to the local recycling centre so you won’t have to pay for trade waste. Not a problem if I thought I'd be getting my work done cheaper as a result but I think its more a case of they don't want the hassle of having to deal with waste removal.

Something else to factor in if you are getting work done because if you haven’t got a local tip near you then it might mean having to shell out for a skip and these aren’t cheap. Judging by this little lot, it’s going to be multiple trips to the tip!

Rubbish removal? That's your job missus