THE KNITIVITY

Long ago in a Biblical galaxy far far away, a wonderous woolly story was about to unfold. 

Shepherds were watching their flocks by night when suddenly the angel of the Lord appeared (minus chocolate orange filling)

 

Whilst shepherds watched their flocks by night

The angel of the Lord appeared and glory shone around

(Angelic host music) - ‘Behold I bring you glad tidings’ etc etc  ‘Today in David’s town is born a saviour, wrapped in swaddling clothes in a manger.   You’ll find him in a stable so off you pop’. 

Bethlehem - quite close to Gaza strip

The shepherds gathered their sheep and made their way to Bethlehem during a temporary ceasefire to look for a non-bombed out stable containing a special baby.

 

Are we there yet?

Meanwhile in another part of the Orient, three kings bearing e-vouchers for gifts of gold, myrrh and frankincense had also received the same angelic Insta message. 

 

We three kings of Orient are

They saw a bright light shining in the east and wondered if it was indeed a celestial body or the National Grid exploding from over-charging of electrical gadgets?  Satisfied with the scientific findings that most of Israel was clear of Covid, they too made their way to Bethlehem. 

 

Star of wonder, star of night

Once in royal David’s city they stumbled across a stable using Google maps where a mother had laid her baby in a lowly cattle shed for no other Airbnb accommodation could be found.

 

Holy infant so tender and mild

It was a silent night for not a peep could be heard so the three kings knelt humbly before a very Hagrid looking Joseph and his wife Mary to present their gifts to baby Jesus.

 

Sleep in heavenly peace

Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar - the Magi

Glory to God in the highest and peace to all people on earth.

 

The Knitivity

And so, once again the wondrous story of The Knitivity according to the Woolly Gospel (unpublished) is told.  

Merry Christmas!

 

SCROOGEMAS!

And this year’s prestigious Scroogemas Award goes to (drum roll) ….  The Kinnerton Peppa Pig advent calendar.

 

Winner of the Scroogemas Award

If you’re on a festive diet or want to avoid dental fillings then look no further than this wonderful piggy themed advent calendar, fully endorsed by the Obesity Police, it’s designed to give you the smallest sliver of chocolate every day so that you feel like you’re indulging in the usual Christmas naughtiness but without the calories. 

No need to rush down the stairs every day, fighting off the other half for the honour of opening the special door as behind each one there’s a chocolate figurine the size of a fingernail.  To give you a better visual idea of how large your daily surprise is, here’s a photo showing some of the chocolates against my Gabapentin capsule. 

 

Smaller than the recent cut to NI contributions

Yep, there’s more substance in the cardboard packaging than in all 25 chocolates! 

Is it me or do you remember a time when advent calendars contained all sorts of larger delicious goodies behind each door that were worth fighting for?  Clearly those times are long gone thanks to shrinkflation and Scroogish corporate greed.

 

Not an advent calendar by Mark Parisi

I’m saving up all my special bits of daily chocolate until the 25^th to stuff in my mouth all at once so that it feels like I’ve actually munched on a proper Crimbo bit of naughtiness. 

Bring on the turkey!

WHITE FRIDAY

All I want for Christmas is ….. coal!  Ooooooh, babyeeee!

 

Gimme coal

For once I’d rather be on the naughty than nice list as then I’d be in line to receive a much desirable lump of coal.  With several thousand little peccadillos to confess to over the past 11 months, surely this must add up to a least a hundredweight of the precious black stuff by now, right? 

No gift cards, toiletries, fluffy bed socks for me this year – I’d even go as far as passing up the box of customary chocolate brazil nuts in exchange for several tons of slow burning charcoal to put in my new stove.  Okay, step away from the brazils, maybe that’s one concession too many…

 

My favourites

Whilst credit cards rev up on the sidelines ready for this weeks’ Black Friday shopping extravaganza, I’m busy fishing through the knicker drawer looking for thermal socks to prepare for White Friday, that chilly time of year when a smattering of snow sends the nation crashing into an icy vortex the likes of which we won’t stop complaining about until next July.  And then some. 

Special offers in this year’s Big White Friday sale include 20% off heat-seeking Tofu-eating Wokerati PJs, buy one get one free ticket to Equatorial Guinea and free gritter with every purchase of Kinder eggs.  

Hotter than July

These are the kind of bargains you really can’t afford to pass up.  Yes, that’s CAN’T AFFORD for those of you suffering from that little diagnosed condition called Money Blindness. 

Money Blindness is a cognitive condition that causes difficulties in perceiving and managing your own wealth often leading to penury, punctuality challenges (especially after you’ve pawned your watch) and planning issues (ducking out of social commitments you can’t fund).  

Sufferers of MB are to be socially prescribed scratchcards by overpaid consultants said a spokesperson for NHS England with about as much compassion as a used teabag.

My advice – if you ain’t got paid then don’t be swayed!  

Keep warm folks.

GETTING PLASTERED AGAIN

As Storm Ciaran batters West Sussex hot on the heels of Storm Babet, our lounge is in a tempest all of its own as the plasterers have descended en-masse and are scooting round the walls of the diner like whirling DIY dervishes.  I’m currently hiding upstairs in my bedroom keeping Bertie company.

 

Stripping the ceiling ready for plastering

It's a messy business

With all this damp weather perhaps now is not the greatest time to be getting the walls/ceilings re-skimmed but I’m sick of looking at all the cracks, crevices and craters that have become a regular feature of life since we moved to Chichester three years ago so we’ve bitten the bullet, ransacked the coffers and strong-armed the trades into ‘getting us done’ before Christmas.

 

Fed up of derelict decor

This is but part 1 of a two-part saga, with the lounge to be booked in for next year when hopefully the biblical floods have drained away.  No man is an island but parts of Bognor Regis have recently become one!  At least we now know our new soakaway is working, all garden rain water having soaked away efficiently leaving no trace of surface water.  The same cannot be said about Bognor Regis or even Hastings who are currently knee deep in the wet stuff!

Click & Collect?  By dinghy only

Plastering is not as easy as it looks.  I’ve got to admire the speed, dexterity and smooth finish left by our plasterers.  I’ve iced many a cake over the years but have never attempted to transpose those cake decorating skills to spreading plaster over a wall.  The technique looks similar albeit executed with larger palette knife/trowels and there’s no covering up one’s mistakes with a bit of extra buttercream. 

 

Before

After

Worse thing about fresh plaster is the smell.  It’s a cross between a wee sodden nappy and mouldy old feet.  And nobody likes wee sodden nappies… Ugh!    Then there’s the dampness.  It’s amazing how much water is contained in wet plaster.  No doubt my achy joints will be on arthritic alert later on and I hope there won’t be too many literary casualties as I’ve left most of my books on the bookshelf, only the vintage editions have been boxed up.

 

Before

After

Surprisingly, Shelby has slept through the whole ordeal despite her tortoise enclosure having been moved from pillar to post in the process of clearing out the diner.  

Oblivious to the mayhem around her

Lucky for some.  I’d love to be able to just wake up to find everything’s done, dusted and just ready for a springtime paint job.

COLD OR COVID?

                   

                  “Hello Covid my old friend,

You’ve come to stalk me yet again

Because my vision’s softly weeping

You left your germs whilst I was sleeping

And the tissues that are piling up again

Snot still remains

Within my throat, the soreness!”

No matter how hard you try to avoid those post summer colds, it seems they always catch up with you in the end.  Christmas is coming and so is the latest variant of Covid – this one’s called Pirola.

 

Not again!

Lurgi has been flagrantly dancing round the office, creating a conga line of nasal congestion, coughing and chestiness that you inevitably find yourself joining after a few swigs of Covonia against your better judgement at the pestilence party.  Raise those hankies in the air like you just don’t care! 

It’s been a SFH (sneeze from home) week.  Thanks to laptops and VPN portals, you can continue with your snotty nose to the grind and not have to take sick leave or inflict colleagues with your best impression of what heavy smoking could do to a hippopotamus with weak lungs.  Don’t you just hate colds?

 

Available from Amazon

Naturally I tested myself for Covid after painstakingly checking all the mini plastic vials in my long-forgotten test kits to find one with liquid that hadn’t evaporated since Johnson left No 10.  This one?  Nope.  This one?  Nope.  This one?  Aha, there’s just a smidge of the magical elixir left in this one.  Hurrah!

 

Has the liquid evaporated?

The test result thankfully came back negative but it got me wondering if these old kits would be geared up to pick up any new varieties of the dreaded C virus.  

Forgotten in the back  of the shoe cupboard

And even if they did, what can you do about it?  Self-isolation and sanitisation are so yesterday.  Cold or Covid?  No-one really cares any more as we've all been told to 'live with it' by the PTB (Powers That Be) who are no doubt hoping we'll all drop dead to reduce the overall global population, save the NHS or get rid of all those weakest links.

Public safeguards are pretty non-existent these days although I have to confess to keeping my plastic paranoia palace at work when the rest of the team happily ditched their Covid desk cubicles.  Yep, I’m the one still working in a goldfish bowl which I religiously spray every day with anti-bac but look where it’s gotten me.  

Just goes to show that if the lurgi’s gonna get you then it’s gonna get you.  Hello Mr Hippo, fancy a woodbine?

NYMANS

Save energy - get a kitty draught excluder!

 

Cat draught excluder - save pounds off your heating bill

Bertie knows where all those lovely sunny spots are and makes the most of having a cat nap in the last of the autumn sunshine.

 

Bertie our beautiful fat soppy moggy

Last weekend we also made the most of the autumn sunshine by visiting a lovely garden called Nymans thanks to a free National Trust Day pass blagged via the MoneySavingExperts newsletter.  Cheers Martin!

 

Enjoying the last rays of autumn

Bloody tourists - its another NT free open day

The rich colour palette of autumn trees

Unfortunately, so did everyone else.  OMG so many people with noisy kids in tow, running, shouting and generally being a pain in the arse and the latter is not just the kids.  Any thoughts of a quiet stroll in the sunshine were quickly dispelled as we crawled round the overflow car park looking for an empty spot.  Why can’t these places restrict daily entry so that everyone can enjoy the sights without having to battle for breathing space?

 

Other people - Uggghh!

I’m sounding properly old now, aren’t I?  Kids are a necessary evil, the future taxpayers for my pension so I shouldn’t be so nasty about them.  We were all in nappies once - running off unattended, ignoring our parents, touching everything we shouldn’t and smearing sticky snot coated fingers over every surface.  Ha Ha - I’m still doing all these things!  Okay well maybe my fingers are less snotty than they once were but I am a very tactile person.  I see with my hands as well as my eyes. 

Although its quite late in the gardening year, there was still plenty to see and enjoy in the flower beds.  Here’s a few views of the beautiful house and grounds:

 

Majestic pampas grass swaying in the gentle breeze

Secret garden in the ruins of the old hall

Just love tree ferns

A glimpse of the main house

Whats left after the fire ravaged the rest

Must have been a spectacular house

An usual and colourful plant

Dry sea holly

Pampas grass

But just like that episode of Dallas were Pamela Ewing wakes to find hubby in the shower realising that everything she’d just thought of had been some kind of bad TV scripted dream then so with us.  The beautiful autumn sunshine has morphed into Storm Babet not to be confused with Bobbitt of penis slicing infamy leaving us all drenched to our kecks and praying for springtime.

Bye bye autumn sunshine

WALDO

Meet Waldo, the latest addition to our ever-growing garden family.

 

Waldo

We found Waldo abandoned in the bargain bucket section of one of the many garden centres visited on a regular basis.  All alone on a shelf his faded yellow ticket sticker looking like custard dregs, Waldo had probably lost all hope of ever finding a family to take him in and love him.  That is until we came along…. 

Waldo is a thornless blackberry, an early variety and heavy cropper.  Fast growing and fully hardy, it sounds perfect for an English garden and I’ve just the corner next to the veggie bed that will make an ideal home for a blackberry plant.

The perfect spot for Waldo

 

Thornless blackberry

As Waldo is likely to grow at the rate of knots next springtime, I’ve bought some diamond lattice trellis to screw onto the fence panel which I can then use to tether any unruly branches. 

 

Diamond lattice trellis - so fiddly to paint

Like all my other adopted waifs and strays, Waldo can be sure of getting properly spoilt and in return I hope to have a lovely crop of juicy fat blackberries next year.

DECORATING BEE HOTELS

Whilst on the subject of insects, I’ve been working on a project to help our multi-legged/multi-winged friends over the cold wintery months by providing them with free accommodation in the form of a ‘bee hotel’ 

Cheaper than migrant barges or conventional hotels, these Airbnb lodges for creepy crawly customers are not only providing room at the inn but helping to brighten up my otherwise plain grey fence panels.

 

Tarting up the fence panels

You don’t need to be a carpentry genius to make these for your garden.  You just need a Poundland store, a few tubes of acrylic paint and a can of spray yacht varnish for your project.

 

Bug hotels - Poundland

Our Poundland store had an ample supply of these lovely triangular bug hotels for £3 reducing the price down to £2 at the end of season.  Great!  I bought 3 to decorate and hang along the new fence. 

Here’s how you can make your own arty farty bee hotels: 

Firstly, acquire a wooden bug hotel or make one if you are good at woodwork. 

Ensuring it is free of dust or sharp splintery edges, apply 2 coats of paint to your bug hotel avoiding the front of any bamboo canes.  You don’t want to bung up the bug-rooms with great globs of paint.  I’ve used 2 coats of ‘Marseille’ blue coloured interior paint, a leftover tester pot from B&Q but whatever colour takes your fancy will do.

 

Paint up the bug hotel

As my wooden structures are triangular, I’ve decided to decorate the sloping sides with a simple floral design but here you can be as creative as you wish.  Draw your own design on to a white piece of paper the size of the area to be decorated.

 

Draw your design on paper

Take a sheet of greaseproof paper (baking kind will do), place this on top of your design template and trace the design on to it using a pencil.  It is important to use a good thickish pencil as this is how we’ll be transferring the design onto the structure. 

Once the painted bug hotel is dry, lay your greaseproof paper design onto the surface to be decorated pencil side down.  Draw over the design on the clear side of the greaseproof paper.  When you lift the sheet up, your design should have magically transferred on to the wood.  Go over any feint sections with the pencil.

 

Trace design onto area to be decorated

Using acrylic or enamel paints, build up your design by slowly painting over the traced template. 

 

Build up your design in colour layers

Remember to allow each colour to fully dry before adding shading or other detail. 

 

Add shading and detail

I found that due to the porous nature of my bug hotels, multiple coats of paint had to be added in order to build up a good depth of colour. 

 

May require multiple layers of paint

Allow layers to dry before adding extra details

The finished side panel

When you have completed your painted designs, the bee hotels can then be waterproofed so that your beautiful artwork is not damaged by rain or sun.

 

Finished and ready to varnish

I have used spray yacht varnish for this purpose.  You can buy these cans of glossy varnish either from Ebay or Amazon.  One can goes a long way so don’t go mad buying loads.

 

Perfect for waterproofing outdoor stuff

Spray yacht varnish is very smelly so pick a dry day so that you can spray up your bee hotels outside.  I wouldn’t recommend doing this indoors as the varnish vapour will get everywhere. 

 

Varnish your bee hotels outside

Following the instructions on the can, apply two good spray coats over the painted designs and any other areas exposed to the elements.  Do not spray over the bamboo canes.  Leave the first coat to fully dry overnight before applying a second one. 

When dry, your artistically decorated bee hotels will be ready to hang in the garden.  Fab!  A cheap and easy way to keep yourself amused and help nature at the same time.

Hotel open for business