RULE OF SIX

After a summer of 'sticky bun' silliness, a winter of discontent looms large.  The Government's 10 pm time at the bar has been received with about as much welcome as a flat lukewarm pint on a scorching hot day.  Boozers in their vociferous protest at a return to the temperance dark ages have clearly forgotten that it was only a few decades ago that drinkers were conditioned in Pavlovian fashion to knock back at least 6 pints before the 11 pm bell so this new rule is really no different to a night out back in the 70s or 80s.

Drink up - it's back to the 80s

Perhaps these new lockdown measures will go some way to reducing the noise, litter and anti-social behaviour that usually follows late night drinking.  As I see it there are some positives.  All you shouty, sweary, pukey, half cut punters who stagger past my bedroom window at 3 am to piss against next doors fence can now do all of these things from the comfort of your own home.  Cheers Boris!

It's interesting to see that the new 'rule of six' is already being applied creatively in different ways by different industries.  As I'm buying/selling property let's take a closer look at how this new rule is being used by the Removals sector.  

In June I was quoted £600 by a local company for my furniture to be collected from home to go into storage.  Three months on and that price has mysteriously increased by £100 (a sixth more).  Spooky!  When challenged I was advised this was due to the 'Covid Effect' that is the process by which businesses now try to re-coup lost profits by fleecing unsuspecting punters like me with extortionate price increases for no reason at all other than they can and they will.  If I could shift the stuff myself I would but sadly I'm at the mercy of profiteers like Humpett & Lumpit Removals Ltd.

The rule of six is also likely to put a whole new spin on Christmas celebrations.  Boris has said he doesn't want to cancel Christmas but I am more than happy to red card this year's festive season as perhaps we may see a return to the first Noel rather than the crass commercialised shenanigans that we've all been brainwashed into thinking is Christmas (bah humbug!).

In my post pandemic utopian Christmas festivities I see one or two lovingly handmade presents, a simple but intimate meal in my own home with my small family bubble followed by a cosy cherishing of each other's company with a few bottles of wine, lots of laughs and all out by 10 pm.  No iPads, iPhones or I-Spent-a-small-fortune-buying-lots-of-useless-tat this year.  I'm all for a back to basics Christmas where the only turkey is on the plate and not in the room.

If only the rule of six could be applied to boost pay packets or more specifically to the pay packets of those low paid employees who have worked tirelessly through the whole pandemic keeping the nation afloat - now that would be pretty amazing!

Before - hallway carpet tiles removed

After - Bergan Oak laminate flooring fitted

Before - dining room carpet stripped

After - new laminate flooring fitted

Before - lounge with green carpet removed and after with new laminate flooring fitted

FURLOUGH FINALE

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the workplace, a late summer heatwave arrives! After 3 months of boredom, baking and browsing, the furlough finishing line is now in sight again with a return to the office pencilled in for the end of this week. 

Part of me wants to whoop with joy and part of me feels like a lemming rushing towards a cliff edge – is it really safe to go back to work? I guess I won’t know until I get there. I’ve dusted down the hazmat suit, matched it with a contrasting colourful facemask, some chunky easily sanitisable jewellery and leopard print killer heels. I might look like Gucci’s most fashionable mortuary technician but this is power dressing in the new normal, baby. 

According to my Purple Bricks dashboard it’s now been 103 days since our house went on the market and we’re still here waiting for the new offer bus to pass by. It’s depressing. 

Surely someone somewhere has seen our advert and thought ‘what a lovely home, I’ll take it.’ Comes with free neighbourhood cats and that’s got to be a selling point, right? Maybe I should have added some kitty photos to my Rightmove advert to increase kerbside appeal. 

Purple Kitties - the property selling web site featuring cats

South facing garden purrfect for cat naps

Pet friendly - ours and everyone else's

Lucky black cat outdoor feature for superstitious buyers

Come on. All I want for Christmas is a property buyer, is that too much to ask for?

CATS FOR COVID

Punters have been queuing outside restaurants trying to make the most of the Chancellor’s ‘Eat Out Britain’ scheme and our own McMoggies dining emporium has been doing a roaring trade in feline fast food orders.  There are now at least 4 regular furry customers, three of whom seem to think we have a bottomless box of Go Cat in our kitchen and are open all hours. 

What time does this restaurant open?

Excuse me but do you have a reservation?

See they're letting in riff raff these days

Socially distanced dining

Special meal arrangements for gingers

My belly may now be the size of a large watermelon but I’ve done my bit in chowing down to help the economy.  (If I was having a baby I’d be calling it Toby).  I only hope the Chancellor has a Slimming World voucher giveaway after this scheme finishes so that we can all regain our waistlines.  

A minute on the lips, a lifetime of tax increases.  The cynic in me can’t help thinking about the hidden cost to the taxpayer of the Government’s ‘Eat Out To Help Out’ Scheme.  My £14 pound meal for two at the Toby Carvery is nothing compared to the Chancellor’s 500M bill.  I’d definitely want more than a wafer thin mint with that invoice!

Make the most of it my furry friends as Go Cat may be in short supply when income tax goes up.

These moggies have such appalling table manners

Maybe I'll give dinner a miss ....