BUSY BANK HOLIDAY AHEAD

You got to love bank holidays.  With the usual unpredictable weather forecast and half the nation on the roads due to engineering works, this means three whole glorious days of DIY as there’s little point planning anything else.

The kitchen’s been converted into a makeshift painting studio.  If you’re thinking of applying paint or varnish outdoors on the same day then it’s probably best to have a back-up plan to cater for the fickle nature of weekend weather and bugs.  It’s so annoying finding mozzies spreadeagled across your paintwork when you’ve worked hard to keep everything looking smooth and drip free.

Just one last coat of black paint to go on

A third and final coat of black outdoor paint has been applied to the inside of the door plus a thick coat of exterior yacht varnish (gloss).  This has not only given the surface a lovely mirror shine but should ensure that it’s weatherproof for a few years.  (Process to be repeated tomorrow on the outside face)  If this doesn’t give us the best looking door in Charminster then I’ll eat my hat. (meeeoooww!  I said hat, you silly old mog)

Lovely mirror shine of exterior gloss yacht varnish

Shelby is busy checking the paper for tomorrow’s forecast in that bizarre way which tortoises do but after a long day of painting, I can safely say we’re now one step closer to completing all the prep work on the side door.  

Possible sunshine with cold, wet patches

McMOGGIES CAT CAFE

I think I should get my own blog says Shelby as there’s far too many cats on this one and not enough photos of cute, lovable tortoises. 

Are any of those pesky moggies about?

Cats clearly have the upper hand when it comes to tea and sympathy.  Bournemouth has now opened its own cat café called Pause and in Bristol, you can go for a pint with a pussy at the popular Bag of Nails pub.  (I’ll be personally checking out this establishment later in May)

Nestling quietly in the back streets of Charminster, however, a different kind of cat café is in operation.  ‘McMoggies’ caters only for discerning felines who enjoy a tasty bit of Go Cat, a slurp of milk and hours of pampering.  No regular opening hours kept here, a strategic meow or pawing at the patio door will usually provide admission.  Clients have even been known to camp outside waiting for this establishment to open.

Cat napping until McMoggies opens up

McMoggies open for business

McMoggies now has 3 regulars:

Mr Tabbs, a mature tabby gent with an illustrious set of whiskers who loves to turn up for an early morning breakfast.  Enjoys a copy of The Times usually when you’re trying to read it and is never in a hurry to leave which is a bugger when you’re racing around at 6.30 am getting ready for work.

Headline mews

Then there’s Ginge.  Young, frisky, ginger; like the Prince Harry of cat society. Ginge uses his rakish charm to maximum effect announcing his entrance with a nonchalant meow and a swish of his tail.  He’ll roll on his back, paws in the air, giving you the full ‘look how cute I am’ routine but then claw you if you so much as try to tickle his tummy.  He’s a charmer alright but only on his terms.

Hmmm haven't they opened up yet?

Our newest customer, Socks, is shy but has already twigged that free grub can be had if you play your kitty cards right.  Socks dresses for the occasion.  A shiny black and white tuxedo- like coat gives him a dapper appearance, a miniature kitty butler or secret agent.  Silent but deadly since he rarely meows and loves to sharpen his claws on the coir mat after a meal.

Doesn't touch the sides

So with all this cat action going on, you can see why Shelby’s feeling a bit miffed.  There’s definitely a niche in the market for a Tortoise Café – please could somebody open one to give others a chance to get up close and personal with these adorable creatures. 

Party animal

Why so serious?

Who says tortoises can't be cute?

SIDE TRACKED

When you’re 106 years old you’re bound to have let things go a bit, to the extent that even a touch of lipstick or a quick fluff of the hairdo make barely a difference any more.  The same goes for properties.  After a few decades, what was once considered a desirable residence begins to look faded and worn. Everywhere I look, thin cracks snake across walls and ceilings, surely a sign that this house is now desperately in need of some building ‘botox’.  Strangely there are days when I too feel the same, faded and worn. 

Take our side garden gate for instance.  Once it stood shiny and proud, guarding the alleyway but now it’s just a clapped out old has-been, crippled by rot and missing planks.  It’s certainly one of the scruffiest doors in the street.  I know because I’ve secretly eyeballed everyone else’s on my way to the shops.  Our house is definitely lowering the tone of the road.

In need of a facelift

Stair project has now been side-tracked by new garden door project.  This is the danger of DIY, one thing leads to another yet little gets completed.  Thanks to Chambers Doors at In-Excess our garden door will undergo a miraculous transformation.  ‘Cinderella, you shall go to the ball’ said the Fairy DIY Godmother.  (quick wave of magic wand)  ‘Oh and while we’re at it, let’s get shot of that hideously tatty side door as no self-respecting prince is going to come knocking on that in a hurry’.  (waves magic wand again). 

Chambers Doors make bespoke gates/doors and have come up trumps with a lovely replacement for our scruffy old thing.  We’re now the proud owners of a new framed ledged and braced door.  

From Chambers Doors - Salisbury

It’s 2 m high, solid as they come and after a couple of coats of black paint will look as smart as a new pin.  Easy to order too, just turn up with your measurements at the nearest In-Excess depot, pay a deposit then wait for the phone call to collect.  Couldn’t be simpler and lord knows, I like simple.  Prices are reasonable too.  Our door complete with fixing posts, hinges and all door furniture has come to about £120.

Three coats plus an exterior varnish to finish

Let's hope it doesn't rain

After the first coat

Now all that’s needed is a handsome prince to fit it.  Frogs need not apply unless they have excellent carpentry skills!

PARKING MAD

There are some things that can instantly inflame one’s brain causing an internal mini volcano to erupt forth leaving a verbal trail of devastation in its wake.  And once it’s out, you can’t take it back.  That ticking time-bomb is ‘parking’.  I know because I’m the first to rush to my front window with an imaginary flame-thrower at the slightest rev of an engine to torch any vehicle overhanging the dropped kerbs next to my driveway.  (I wish)

Parking issues are the bane of most people’s life. The end of free parking at work has been a more hotly debated topic than the Trump election.  Ah, if only my colleagues would take as much interest in the more important things in life but sadly it seems that parking is top of everyone’s agenda.  The closer you live to the office, the more vocal the protester.  Many workers could easily walk to work but choose not to then wonder why they’re at the bottom of the parking permit food chain.  If I wasn’t already grey, the never-ending tirade of verbal diarrhoea I’ve had to endure over the past few weeks about paying to park at work would have left me looking like Gandalf.  Sheesh!

I have 3 words to say to all you lazy buggers out there who have the opportunity to save yourself a small fortune and not use public transport – WALK TO WORK!!  

Or cycle.  Two wheels good: four wheels bad.  But for God’s sake and mine just do something other than whinge.  If not to save the planet then to save yourself because next time I hear even the slightest mention of the P word, I’m going to come round to your desk and force a pen pot of paperclips down your throat.  

SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE

The other half is definitely not a happy Easter bunny this morning having been forced to spend the night squashed up on a 2 seater sofa, all in the name of DIY. 

Couch surfing

Yesterday I decided to apply the first coat of gloss varnish to the stair treads.  In my excitement, I’d forgotten to consider that drying times listed on the tin might be subject to variation.  In this case the recommended 4 hours drying time turned out to be pretty much all night as even after 8 hours, the varnish was still soft and tacky to the touch.

Apply only when alternative accommodation available

Perhaps it’s because I’ve used outdoor Yacht varnish instead of the indoor variety I mused whilst keeping the other half sweet with a tsunami of tea and crème eggs all evening in the hope he’d forgive this girlie oversight with a laugh and the odd condescending remark about women and decorating. 

And so we were trapped downstairs for the night with Shelby to keep us company.  Not that she even noticed we were still in the lounge at 2 am, oblivious to it all under her heap of shredded paper next to the radiator.  Tortoises can sleep anywhere and through anything.  Unlike us humans, uncomfortably concertinaed into a space meant for two large bottoms with only a pile of coats and a brown fur throw for warmth.  (Note to self – DFS sofa bed when downsizing)

In the bright light of morning, the stairs look amazing.  Not a lover of anything shiny when it comes to paint, I see this gloss finish has more than brought out the natural beauty of the wood rather like applying face powder and rouge to a wizened old face.  Our house built circa 1911 would be a 106 year old face, that’s a truckload of face powder to get it even remotely respectable.

After one coat of gloss varnish

Beautiful rich shiny finish

Yacht varnish also water proofs finish

The treads now have a deep shiny sheen to them.  Just look at those wonderful swirly timber rings and knots.  Worthy of a few sleepless nights – well I think so.

The natural beauty of varnished wood

Original timber stair treads

TREAD CAREFULLY

‘It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it’ sang Faith No More back in the eighties.  Staining wood is not only a dirty job, it has also got to rank up there with the stinkiest.  Phew! 

I’m using Colron liquid wood dye in Indian Rosewood to colour the skirting boards, landing window, handrail and stair treads.  

Indian Rosewood

Somehow, I’ve also managed to colour my arms thus looking like I’ve had a fight with a tube of self-tanning cream and lost.  Wood dye is easy to use and gives a lovely rich finish to wood.  However, it stinks.  Every window is open yet I’m sure half my brain cells disintegrated sometime between breakfast and lunchtime.

Landing window ready to varnish

This has been my Good Friday so far.  I’m supposed to be stuffing my face with chocolate eggs and hot cross buns not slogging my guts out, buffing wood dye into stair treads with the remains of a cotton T shirt bought in the Sue Ryder shop. 

I’m inspired by the millions of DIY blogs out there, interestingly most have been written by women.  I see the sisters are also doing it for themselves instead of waiting for their lazy husbands/boyfriends to get off their arses to fix up the house.  Well done girlies!  My other half has swanned off to Silverstone for a race meeting and I’m here wishing I’d married Tommy Walsh having spent the past 5 hours with a brush in my hand.

The modern metrosexual male knows more about moisturiser than mouldings these days.  My advice to young girls today – marry your father.  Not your actual father though, as this blog doesn’t condone incest but an old fashioned bloke who knows the right end of a screwdriver and can put up a set of shelves faster than you can say Happy Easter. 

All is now stained and a first coat of clear varnish (satin) has been applied to the skirting boards.  Here’s what the stairway to heaven looks like after a first coat of stain applied to the treads.

After one coat of wood dye

Upstairs downstairs

Handrail after two coats of wood dye

NICE PEAR

Excuse the smut but in these humourless times we live in I’ve gone back to my non PC childhood, a time where I remember we could call a spade a spade and not be cyber-lynched by a load of holier-than-thou trolls who couldn’t spell hypocrisy if their spelling bee app hit them in the face (literacy happy slapping – kids don’t try this at school). 

There’s nothing wrong with the odd double-entendre now and again so live with it.  We did back in the seventies, that infamous era of tartan bell bottoms, platforms and disco.  In them days, it was OK to go out for a ‘chinky’ or pop down to the ‘paki’ shop for a loaf of bread or a penny worth of sweets.  Nobody took any notice.  Nobody got offended.  Nobody had the means to tell half the world and if they had, nobody would have bothered because there was other more important stuff to deal with like power cuts and miners strikes.  Nowadays even buying white bread automatically brands you some kind of racist – such are the nonsensical politically correct times we live in.

Sorry, off on a tangent or on my soapbox as the other half would say.  In this case the pair being referred to are not my jugs but the pear tree on my patio which I planted a couple of years ago.  It’s a Conference pear and as you can see from the photo below, is currently in full bloom.

Patio pear tree - Conference

Flowers usually mean fruits in my book so I’m hopeful that perhaps this year we may actually get to taste a few home grown pears but we’ll see.  It’s a small tree planted in a reasonably sized tub but this is not likely to be the ideal growing condition for pears. 

Beautiful blossoms

It would probably fare better in the soil where roots can spread out liberally and draw nutrients from deep down.  I haven’t given it a feed or sprayed it with any chemicals, preferring to grow things very organically though I suspect I’ll have to do some background reading on how to look after my pear so that they’ll look their best. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink!)

But never mind all that.  Look out - Mr Tabbs is on his way over as the Charminster Cat Cafe has now re-opened for business.

Meow - what's on the menu?

KNITTY NORA

I’ve re-discovered the art of knitting since joining the workplace knitting group and have become what can only be described as a right ‘Knitty Nora’.  The needles are never out of my hands these days! 

Knitting, as those of you who partake of this pleasure will know, can soon become an obsessive compulsive past-time but at the same time is strangely therapeutic.  After all the chores are done, there’s nothing better than vegging out to a good movie and a spot of knit one, purl one.  This simple hobby has produced a myriad of woolly toys, hats and jumpers mostly donated to good causes both at work and to local hospitals. 

Mr Snowman

What’s more, it gives me a bona fide excuse to indulge in charity shop shopping as many often have random balls of wool and other crafty bits and pieces that can be quickly fashioned into small items for sale.  So really it’s two hobbies in one with many benefits both for me and others.

I recently picked up a couple of lovely balls of pale yellow wool whilst rummaging about in a Parkstone charity shop and used it to make fluffy chicks for Easter.  (24 chicks for £2.50) 

A basket of fluffy chickies

I’m hoping to sell these at work to raise funds for one of our charitable causes.  They’re so cute and a perfect fit for a crème egg or two.  Not that I’ll be tucking into any as my arse is already the size of a small planet with no further need to widen its orbit!

HOLIDAY HOME FOR CATS

Food, fashion, felines – cyber life appears to revolve around this unholy trinity to which I’m about to add my contribution as landlady for the Holiday Home for Cats.

Cats on holiday

Daughter’s two mischievous moggies are keeping me company this week as she’s swanned off to Austria for a week on the piste.  And what a pair they are!  There’s the ‘I’m just going to hide under the duvet cat’ called Dusty and the ‘I’m too lazy to do anything cat’ called Pookie who loves to eat, sleep and spend the day chattering to birds, flies or cobwebs (no shortage of those at home).

Dusty the duvet cat

Pookie the lazy cat

Shelby is much bemused by her furry companions, preferring to tuck into some dandelions before shuffling off for a kip in her cardboard box behind the lounge door. 

Look Dusty's not under the duvet

How about a nice tasty dandelion?

Visitors have not deterred our neighbourhood kitties from calling at the Charminster Cat Café for their daily bowl of milk and Dreamy treats.  

Cat Cafe - closed (for now)

Both Ginge and Mr Tabbs have turned up regular as clockwork only to find al fresco dining is the only available option on the menu.  Supping your milk outside on the decking bereft of a pampering is definitely not what the doctor ordered so I expect the pair of them will be relieved when the interlopers clear off back home.   

Who's that mog?

Meanwhile back on the stairway to heaven, things are taking a step in the right direction.  Two whole days of solid sanding has turned the house into the Sahara.  What a mess!  And where are those itinerant traders when you need them? Never mind a bit of tarmac, I could have press-ganged a lackey or two into giving me a hand but I guess these days, they’re too busy taking over the local parks before the Easter break to be bothered with door-to-door enquiries. 

Wood sanding by cats

They've done a lovely job

A bit of wood filler to plug a few cracks here and there then it’ll all be ready for staining next weekend which means I can take the day off tomorrow to pay homage to the ‘Papa’ (Papa Emeritus III of Ghost) at the Brighton Dome.  

Ghost