ON THE CUSP OF REFURB

What could be more complicated, working out how to vaccinate 30 million people or trying to figure out how to fit the contents of two bedrooms into an already overcrowded lounge?  Yet this is the conundrum faced by everyone embarking on a property refurbishment – where the hell to put all your stuff whilst you’ve got the plasterers in.  Hmmm, tricky.

 

Where to put it all?

After weeks of soliciting tradespeople, poring over estimates and mathematical computations that would leave Einstein totally confused, it’s time to throw the champagne bottle at the renovations ship and launch phase I of our Tart Up project. 

Taking the old coving off the ceiling

Stripping out wardrobes

Clearing out airing cupboard

So, what does Project Tart Up look like?  Imagine a very wrinkly tortoise going to a beauty parlour, the transformation would be like a hairy caterpillar turning into a butterfly so will it be with our crack-ridden, dilapidated bungalow.

 

Before - upstairs corridor

Before - the spare bedroom

Before - spare bedroom window

Before - spare bedroom wardrobe

An open plan lifestyle beckons for the next few months as the refurbishment of the upstairs bedrooms is finally only a week away.  From next week our lounge/diner/bedroom will be the centre of our disordered universe.

Before - back wall of our bedroom

Before - stripped out cupboards

Before - the corner cupboard

WOODCHIP WOES CONTINUE

Phew!  Managed to get rid of those pesky badgers quicker than the deployment of the Pfizer vaccine so now it’s time to return to stripping wallpaper.

 

Surprise!  It's another badger

Woodchip dominated our new landscape but slowly this has been banished with only the lounge/diner ceilings left to strip.  Easy!  That’s what I thought until I started steaming away only to realise that there were not one but two layers of woodchip on the ceiling.  Aaagh!

 

Buy one get another layer free

Who in their right mind puts two layers of wallpaper on a ceiling?  I mean it’s like wearing multiple pairs of underpants which you would never do unless temperatures fall to below minus 10 or you’re flying Ryanair without a suitcase. 

It’s taken a day and a half to strip the ceiling in the lounge half of this room.  Moggy distractions don’t help progress and this cute little black cat has decided to pop in to supervise proceedings. 

Slow progress stripping the ceiling of wallpaper

Coming off in great soggy chunks

Too busy watching birdies to care about DIY

All that birdie TV has left me exhausted

Our new friend - Blackie

NEW YEAR, NEW VARIANT

Happy New Covid! 

It’s all well and good the Government presenting you with fancy graphs, statistics and face/arse washing advice to help protect you against Covid but what about an outbreak of badgers? 

 

New variant of woolly badger

Here in Chichester this new variant is running rampant.  The B rate which was at 1 last week has risen exponentially to 3 but it’s anyone’s guess as to how quickly this will spread.  Clarity from the Government as to how the public should deal with badgers is being sought.

Any news on the badger outbreak?

Conspiracy theories about badgers have begun to spread on the internet with claims that woolly badgers were deliberately knitted by the Chinese to discredit American honey badgers.  Others believe that badgers have been programmed by Bill Gates to bite people in order to insert a brain washing microchip into anyone stupid enough to think badgers are cute, friendly little creatures. 

 

Change the channel and I'll bite you

Anti-badger vaccine protestors such as Brian Maybe claim that under no circumstances should you attempt to give badgers a vaccine as this may cause an adverse reaction and lead to them digging up lawns. 

 

Never feed them after midnight

If you have an outbreak of badgers then my advice is to drive as far away as possible to somewhere like Barnard Castle (Dominic Cumming’s recommendation), wear a scary Halloween mask if you need to go outside, wash your feet frequently, and eat Pringles.  Don’t do these last two at the same time though as the Pringles might go soggy.  This may not get rid of badgers but will give you something more amusing to do whilst in self isolation.

Anti Badger Hand Wash