ASSASSINS SCREED

I’ve watched the YouTube film (a dozen times), sucked up every tidbit on all the DIY forums like an over-enthusiastic Dyson and read the packet labels till the letters all merged together to form the word ‘loser’. Self-levelling compound here we come!

According to YouTube DIY experts begin your flooring fantasy by removing every speck of dust. I’ve hoovered the floor almost every day since last Tuesday so if there’s anything left on it then it’s likely to be an invisible Covid germ or a microscopic grain only detectable with a high-powered telescope.

Next apply primer. So many to choose from but from what I can gather, pick the type that’s most suitable for the type of substrate you’re going to apply the compound to. I’m using one called Larsen acrylic primer which can be used to prime concrete or screed.

Select a primer suitable for your substrate

The primer is applied in two coats. The first coat is a diluted one – one part water to one part primer. On a small area like our toilet floor even 400 ml of primer is way too much liquid. A litre bottle goes a long way so no ‘range’ anxiety about whether you’ll run out half way through the job.

Diluted Larsen pink primer

The second coat is also primer but applied neat. Larsen acrylic primer is like flooring Pepto Bismol, a bright pink colour and can be easily applied using a paint brush or roller. Leave this to dry completely before putting the compound on top.

Apply primer then leave to dry

Time to mix up the compound. Using a 20kg bag of L12 no nonsense self-smoothing leveller from Screwfix. According to feedback on their website, this stuff is the mutts nuts. Let’s hope so!

I really hope this works

To mix the compound, you’ll need a super-sized plasterer’s bucket and a gadget that looks like a giant whisk which can be attached to an ordinary electric drill.

Large bucket and mixing gadget

Woo hoo! Who thought making giant mud pies in a bucket could be so much fun? Make sure you closely follow the ‘recipe’ on the back of the packet as adding too much or too little water could affect your mixture.

Making mud pies

When your compound is ready, gently pour over the floor and using a flooring trowel, help the liquid mixture towards the edges. Being a feeble wuss with a bad neck, engage the services of a strong person to lift the bucket then use a large measuring jug so you don’t pour it all in at once.

Ease gently towards the edges

I was surprised to note how smoothly the compound naturally seemed to gravitate towards the edges of the room with minimal effort from my wielding a trowel the size of a skateboard. Easy does it girl, don’t get too cocky now….

No time for dawdling as this stuff goes off fairly quickly. Start from the furthest wall then work backwards to the door. Ooops! I forgot to mention that you need to chock up the doorway beforehand to prevent anything seeping out under the carpet. Yeah. Do this before you get started or else you might end up with a right mess.

Lovely mirror shine

Once all the compound is lying across the floor like a grey mirrored lake, grab your spiked roller. Run this carefully across the surface to bring up all the air bubbles.

Get rid of bubbles with spiked roller

Now stand back, admire your handiwork then use the rest of the day to bake a real cake to go with a nice brew.

BANKING APPS? MIST ME!

For weeks now, banks and building societies have been unceasingly pestering to convince me onto their banking apps. Apps? Mist me!! I’m still using chip and pin!

High Street banking has gone the way of the dodo. It’s the classic chicken and egg situation – what came first, online banking or bank branch closures? All I can say is that we are ALL to blame for the death of banks on the High Street so stop your moaning.

Where did all the dodos go?

Yep, if it hadn’t been for us gullible customers jumping onto the online banking bandwagon like a cocker spaniel on heat, Aunt Ethel would still be able to pop into her local branch to collect her pension in cash. It’s a simple case of cause and effect. No good crying over spilt milk. Use it or lose it. The banks knew well enough what the end game was from the off, having studied human behaviour for decades. We just fell into their trap – couldn’t help ourselves, could we?

Banks have been cleverly manipulating customer behaviour in a bid to shave millions off their bottom line and continue to do so, forcing us all to go paperless or use apps in the name of progress. What they fail to understand is that:


a) not all banking customers have smartphones or want one

b) people often live in areas with poor mobile phone signal

c) some customers are technologically challenged

d) no-one wants to drive miles to a ‘full service’ bank or banking hub

e) hacking or cyber-crime is rife


And that last point is ultra important because if cyber-crime is increasing then how is persuading more people to bank online going to provide better security for you or your funds? 

Banks have long been complaining loudly about having to automatically reimburse punters when fraudulent transactions occur. It’s the bank’s view that we are all in some way negligent if fraud occurs so why should they cough up? And yet isn’t forcing us all onto websites or apps that could be tampered with deliberately exposing people to unscrupulous criminals through no fault of our own?

Can banking apps keep out criminals?

I might sound like a techno-dino but I’m quite happy doing my banking using that thingy called a laptop that has a proper keyboard and a large screen. I can at least see what I’m doing plus less danger of typing in wrong numbers with sausage-like fingers. Ooops! I meant £10 not £1,000. Duh!

Please, please, please – spare us from this unnecessary App evil. I want to be an i-phone leper, I don’t want to be ‘cured’. Mist me!

Rock on Randy Glasbergen

LEVELLING UP

Spring is gradually turning into one of those elastic months – I’m feeling stretched to the limit, physically, mentally and above all, financially.

Feeling stretched

First Truss and now Trump. Is there something about politicians whose surnames begin with the letters TRU that makes them financial suicide bombers? 

They've blown up the economy!

Since Trump got into power, he’s sent more shockwaves round economies and stock markets than the recent earthquake in Myanmar. There’s no doubt that Rachel from Accounts will be blaming him for all the tax rises or other shenanigans that will unfold in October’s budget.

The Chancellor’s decision to raise employer NI contributions plus the minimum wage this month has truly put a whacking great spanner into our home refurbishment plans. To save the ailing public sector, the private sector is now desperately scrabbling around in a bid to save themselves from a slow lingering death as companies flip a coin to determine whether they’ll file for bankruptcy or just sack half the workforce.

Not only has our company played it’s ‘Hard Up’ card by not awarding any pay rises this year but it’s now pulled out a ‘Shit Street’ joker by asking all employees to take a pay cut. Voluntary reductions in contractual hours to stave off compulsory redundancies and to ensure it can meet the Government’s new corporate obligations.

This card trumps all the others

Surprised? No not really. We’ve been here before many a time. I can recall at least 3 previous decades where due to recessions, economic mismanagement or calamities such as the 2008 credit crunch resulted in massive job losses, austerity measures being imposed or tax hikes (stealthy and non-stealthy).

Money is tight. I’ve no need to mention that as I’m sure everyone’s feeling the pinch but when you’ve hit that point where there’s no more give in the knicker elastic then what?

Not realising that this latest axe was about to fall, I’d fortunately gone out and purchased all the ingredients for the next phase in our Great British DIY Bake Off – the self-levelling compound cake.

What you need to level up your agenda

Having ripped out ye olde worlde stuck down vinyl flooring in the downstairs toilet, we were left with a very uneven surface totally unsuitable for new flooring to be laid. Desperate times call for desperate measures so time to learn a new skill – the art of floor levelling. More about that later.

Flooring ripped out - not a pretty sight

All the gear but no idea – yep that’s us but at least we’re willing to try new things. Keeping busy is all you can do in hard times such as these.

MORE STOOLS

Seems I’m not the only one interested in stools….

How the NHS can expect anyone to poop into such a small plastic box is anyone’s guess but looks like I’m going to be playing catch the turdy later on.

NHS bowel cancer test kit

Enough about turds (sorry, did someone say Trump?), let’s focus our thoughts on the other sort of stool.

Now where did we get to last time? Ah yes, we’d killed our lion, ripped it’s guts out and covered it in small bits of wood. Never attempt this with a real lion as they don’t take too kindly to having twiggy bits in their fur.

So, we now have a stool with nicely painted sides but bare legs.

Paint or stain stool legs 

It’s still a little bit chilly to be going around in bare legs especially with those Baltic breezes blowing down from up north so I’m going to apply two pairs of oak stained tights to the stumpy legs.

Apply stain, allow to dry then lightly sand with fine wire wool before applying a second coat of stain. Finish off with a coat of lacquer or wax polish.

Stool just needs a top

To finish the stool, a nice chunky wooden top to provide a sturdy platform for the yucca plant and compliment the 20 denier oak tanned legs.

Cut a circular shaped piece of timber to fit over the stool top allowing it to slightly overhang the timber mouldings on the side.

Cut a circular shaped piece of timber for the top

Apply stain, allow to dry then lightly sand with fine wire wool before applying a second coat of stain. Finish off with a coat of lacquer or wax polish.

Paint or stain the top piece

Allow the wooden circle to completely dry then stick to the stool top with a generous coating of CT1/glue. Leave overnight for the glue to cure.

Glue the wooden circle onto the top of the stool

Tah dah! Leo the lion is now a super plant stand, lifting the yucca off the carpet and providing Shelby with a tortoise assault course at the same time. Grrreat!

Nice plant stand

STOOLS

Woke up this morning with a cat’s arse hovering dangerously over my face. It seems the mischievous moggy has devised a new way of getting me up at kitty o’clock (6 am) by jumping on my chest then happy slapping my face with its tail. Ah so cute. Not! Throw 8 x 1 kilo bags of sugar onto your torso then see how you like it. Help! I can’t breathe!

Wakey, wakey

Anyhow, we’re not here to discuss my early morning wake up calls but to talk about stools. I don’t mean the brown poopy sort; I’m referring to the three/four-legged variety.

I'm just what you need

I’ve bought a yucca plant to add a touch of fresh greenery to the corner next to the new vinyl storage cabinet yet when I looked at the thing, it seemed to me it was somewhat lacking on the charm offensive front. Hmmm, what this plant needs is a nice stool to sit on.

Lacking in something

Unable to find something I liked online then once again it’s craft-head on to come up with a novel way to make the stool of my dreams. (You dream about stools?)

Enter Leo the Lion. You see cute children’s play seat – I see ripped apart, pimped out plant stand. Purchased for £4.99 from my local Cancer Research shop, this lovable lion is just what I need for this next project.

Leo the lion - just what I needed

Let’s get started. Firstly, remove the cute covering which basically just completely peels off. Keep it handy in case you need to wear it in the garden to scare off neighbouring moggies using the borders as bogs.

Leo stripped down

Next, remove all the foam padding stapled to the top and sides. What’s underneath is a high sided drum shaped structure supported on four wooden legs with a rough wooden top. Perfect.

What's beneath the lion

Having examined the lion’s innards from every angle, I’ve closed my eyes to imagine how I can transform this item into something fitting in with the rest of my black and oak styled furniture.

Half-moon pine mouldings, yes that should do nicely for the sides. Cut the pine moulding into smaller pieces long enough to cover the sides of the drum.

Half moon pine moulding

Cut mouldings to the height of the stool side

On a level surface, turn the stool upside down then stick the cut pieces of moulding around the drum keeping the individual strips as vertical as possible. 

Apply glue to cut moulding

Stick moulding to side of stool

Repeat until the whole side is covered

I’m using some black coloured CT1 adhesive for this part. This product has now become my ‘go to’ glue for all household repair jobs as it sticks just about anything to any surface. Set aside for a day or two for the CT1 to bond.

Bonds to any material

Once all the mouldings are securely fixed to the side of the drum, paint in your chosen colour. I’m painting mine in matt black furniture paint which I will then finish off with a coat of varnish or lacquer.

Ensure all mouldings are securely fixed

Paint sides in colour of your choice

Right. Now sit back, have a cuppa or two then think about how you’re going to smarten up the stool’s top and stubby legs.