MAKING THE NHS DIGITAL

As mother's snoring louder than a warthog on the sofa then to alleviate boredom I’m continuing my online rant on the topic of digitising the NHS which quite frankly is turning into a right royal pain in the arse.

Today, I discovered yet another ‘innovation’ on the health front that pissed me off no end, to the point that I almost picked up the phone to mother’s GP surgery there and then to let them have it both barrels such was my annoyance.

Of course, in reality I’d never do that as I’m far too polite but in the deep, dark recesses of my mind, I’d drive a Sherman tank right up to the surgery door then blast them to kingdom come much like Trump threatened to do to Iran. Clearly, he’s much too diplomatically polite as he still hasn’t.

So, what is this health service ‘innovation’ that’s got my goat? It’s the new messaging service on a platform called SystemOnline used by numerous surgeries.

Firstly, you receive a standardised email out of the blue advising you have a message on that portal. The email doesn’t give any clues as to what the hell that message might be about. You could have 6 months to live or a blood test result but until you log in then it’s anyone’s guess.

Secondly, you have to go off to log into the SystemOnline portal to find the message in order to read it. This means accessing another web site, remembering yet another set of log-in credentials, etc, etc. And as we all know, unless you’ve written these things down then at any age, this is a challenge in itself.

Oh, look. Surprise, surprise! There are loads of unread messages. Forty-one to be precise that neither of my aged parents or myself were remotely aware of because we never even knew this facility existed.

And guess what, one of those messages actually had a request on it for mother to make a GP appointment to discuss test results.

Making the NHS digital process summarised as follows:

- Surgery sends email
- Patient logs into a different website to view message
- Patient rings surgery to discuss contents of message
- Patient then has to wait at least a fortnight for the next appointment date

Basically, if I hadn’t accessed both of my parent’s laptops then I wouldn’t have been any the wiser. (Yeah, I have their passwords so can hack in at any time).

All this in spite of telling the surgery months ago that visually impaired patients CANNOT see to use a laptop, smartphone or any other device so all medically related communications should be made by phone call. Request ignored.

It would have been far easier all round if the surgery had done an ET and simply phoned home to offer mum an appointment rather than subject someone who is elderly, cognitively and technologically impaired to this digital rigmarole. Lucky for her, I’m here to deal with this shit.

What’s next on the Care in the Community agenda? Chat GP doctors? Robots that turn up on your doorstep to take your temperature? Why not just give us all syringes and we’ll draw our own blood samples? Good God!  I hope I’m not giving them any new ideas…

Oh wait, I think I read about this only the other day – iPad questionnaires to fill in at A&E reception desks. That’ll be a hoot. The last time I spent hours waiting in A&E it was largely full of drunks, hysterical teenagers or cokeheads, most of whom were in no fit state to speak to a receptionist let alone piss about on an iPad.

Seriously, this digital pathway the health service has embarked upon is going to result in most of its patients giving up the will to live but then maybe that’s their intention all along – less patients, cheaper to deliver healthcare.

Not promising this is the last NHS related cyber rant as who knows what tomorrow might bring!

DOCTOR DEFICIENCY

“It’s not looking very nice outside” says my befuddled mother oblivious to the fact that I’ve repeated the weather forecast more times than the BBC over the past 5 days. Data retention evaporates almost as rapidly as this year’s summer.

The Ancient Mariner has hitched a ride on a Ryanair galleon to foreign parts leaving yours truly to ‘Nanny sit’.  So, for the next couple of weeks, I’m trapped in an endless conversational loopy loop that goes round and round and round on the same spot like a badly stuck record.

Cognitive issues usually attributed to old age, other medical conditions such as diabetes and possible vitamin deficiencies are ripe for NHS inactivity. Referral to a Memory Clinic is now dependent on the results of continued blood testing for vitamin deficiencies resulting in delayed diagnosis of true state of mind. No wonder it takes years for patients to get a proper dementia diagnosis. Stalling tactics – that’s all this is!

Lack of B12 can cause memory impairment and this could be easily rectified in the elderly with a swift injected dose of the stuff. But we’re talking the NHS here. Due to health service penny pinching, B12 injections are no longer on the menu even for 88 year-old befuddled diabetics.

‘You can buy vitamin supplements on the High Street’ the GP informed me during our last telephone consultation. Yeah, at my expense I thought rather than on a free prescription which my mother is entitled to, her being as close to a century as Britain is to an IMF bailout. I wonder how many other patients are being fobbed off to the pharmacy without prescriptions? These supplements may help with memory deficiencies but what can we do about doctor deficiencies?

The irony of this situation is that left to their own devices, elderly memory impaired biddies struggle to remember to take daily supplements. I mean, if they can’t remember what day of the week it is then how on earth will they remember they’ve got tablets to take?

Which is why a B12 jab is perfect. It delivers a dose more powerful than anything you’ll get from a health store straight into your body’s system and all you’ve got to remember is to get to the appointment. Dr Google quickly signposted me to Superdrug pharmacies who are now offering these jabs privately at £29 per time.

The second irony is that in the past, vitamin supplements have always been heartily pooh-poohed by the medical profession as having no real medicinal value. (Insufficient evidence, blah, blah, blah – the usual NHS guff). Of course, now penniless, the shoe is on the other foot and vitamins are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Your GP is still not going to prescribe them though because if they did, the NHS would go bust.

And this brings me to the next hurdle in the NHS Grand National – getting an appointment for a blood test.

Making the NHS Digital – I dutifully filled in the online form on behalf of mother as being visually and technologically impaired this is an impossibility for her. That was on 4 June.

Within hours, an email confirmed that the surgery would contact me sometime prior to the 12 June to discuss my request.

Four days later having heard nothing from the surgery, I rang them only to be advised that the next available blood testing appointment was not until the end of June – 26 days from the date of my original online request. So much for the digital system improving access to health services.

I imagine that after her blood testing appointment, we’ll then have to wait another few weeks for the results and are likely to be told to carry on with supplements because the NHS will continue to delay a referral to the Memory Clinic until mother gets battier than Castle Dracula.

I asked her GP Surgery if it would be quicker for us to get tested at the local hospital which is how it works in Chichester where you can directly book an appointment online for blood tests at St Richards. Are you having a laugh? Not in Bournemouth it seems. ‘Oh, the hospital doesn’t like GPs booking blood tests with them and you can’t book directly.’ said the receptionist.

So much for quick access to care in the community. I can’t see it getting any better once the NHS starts passing the buck to local pharmacies or health hubs because with fewer resources they’re just going to end up swamped with requests for appointments.

As time goes on, the gulf between doctor and patient will get wider, probably as wide as the Straits of Hormuz. Greater delays in accessing diagnosis or treatments are likely to be experienced and with impatience levels being what they are these days then eventually everyone will just end up going private thus bringing about the demise of the NHS.

Perhaps rather than blowing my pension on a Lamborghini, I’d be better off setting up a High Street blood testing clinic and laboratory.

Crikey! Kerching! I could make a right killing by doing this as doctors’ surgeries could then outsource all their testing to me for a nice fat fee. Or people could just book with me directly thus making it easier and quicker for patients to monitor and treat their own vitamin deficiencies rather than wait on deficient doctors.

OLD FLOORING - RIP IT ALL UP

Bertie! Where’s that mischievous moggy got to? Ah, there he is. Taking a cat nap on my freshly washed bedding. Nothing’s sacred where cats are concerned.

Cats love the whoosh of freshness

Refreshed from our Maltese adventure, it's time to get rid of this awful dark red carpet – sort of Chilean merlot meets sleezy whorehouse. Not really my kind of colour and can’t understand why the previous owners would have chosen it either but when I consider the range of carpet colours festooned about the house prior to refurbishment (pink, green, beige) then why not throw in some red in as well. There’s a reason why most of us carpet our homes in the same colour - for continuity and flow.

Perfect for hiding red wine spillage

Wait, what’s this? Under the hideous red appears to be a second lot of flooring. Black tiles with red and white swishes of colour. Ugh! Don’t know what’s worse the red carpet or these things. Up they come.

What are these awful tiles?

Speaking to our new neighbour and inviting him in for a tour of the house, he just happened to mention that the black tiles which I’d ripped up with gay abandon might have been vintage thermoplastic tiles. Oh no!

Old thermoplastic tiles

A quick consultation with Doctor Google confirmed my worst fears. These old-fashioned tiles sometimes laid down as a damp proof course in by-gone days could contain asbestos. F**k!!! I might not live to regret this. Not only have I probably reduced my lifespan by chiselling them off with a screwdriver, no gloves or mask worn but I also took them to the tip, unbagged, and dumped them in the generic household waste section thus potentially endangering the lives of everyone working at the recycling centre. OMG! Are you nuts?

With hindsight, I should have just left them in situ. They looked so harmless. And ugly. How was I to know these might be bronchial-killers?

Well, it’s too late to cry over spilt milk or asbestosis. What’s done is done and what’s worse is that the man from Tapi Carpets said not a dicky bird when he popped round to measure up for the new floor so clearly, he was as unaware of this scenario as I was.

Too late I've taken them all up

I might jest on here but seriously, a word to anyone involved in renovating an old house particularly one built in the late 50s/early 60s – always check online before removing any materials such as old flooring, artex or boards under fascias as chances are these might contain the dreaded ‘A’ (asbestos) or other toxic substances and may have to be removed professionally.

I’m hoping that as the floor is being screed to bring it up to the same level as that of the downstairs toilet and kitchen then that will be enough to encapsulate anything that might become a problem at a later date. 

My other concern is that in removing these thermoplastic tiles, I may have created a colder surface for us to walk on by taking away the ‘thermal’ covering laid on top of the original concrete floor. Only time will tell.

Ready for new flooring

WHAT IF?

There’s a game I sometimes like to play when I’m at a loose end that I call the ‘WHAT IF?' game.

‘What If?’ is the result of an over-active imagination and too much free time on one’s hands. The rules of this game are simple. To play ‘What If?’ grab a cuppa, a comfy seat and choose a scenario. It can be anything you fancy from dropping litter to travelling to the moon and back. Now, spend hours musing over what might happen if the world at large did or didn’t do that specific something. What outcomes could arise?

I find that pondering on hypothetically extreme scenarios staves off boredom in retirement as well as providing much needed exercise for those little grey cells that have no doubt gone into hibernation since I quit the workplace. You can make your scenarios as ridiculous as you like such as imagining what might happen if everyone in the world only wore pink spotted knickers.

After the recent energy ‘pants’ cap announcement, I got to thinking with my ‘What If?’ hat on and asked myself this: What would happen if everyone in the world got solar panels? And in my ridiculous scenario, I mean everyone. Every mud hut, igloo, tree house, cave, skyscraper, shack, tent or any form of dwelling/building anywhere on the globe. Stick a panel on it, generate your own power.

OK so that is complete nonsense because not every structure is built to support solar panels but I mean, think about it. What would happen if EVERY house or building in the UK got solar panels?

Let’s see. In just a few minutes, these are some of the far-out hypothetical outcomes my brain came up with:

• Cheaper electricity bills as you’d only pay a standing charge.
• Increased sale of batteries to store all that power.
• Demand of electricity from the grid reduced.
• Energy suppliers’ profits plummet due to lack of consumption.
• Energy companies go bust.
• Ofgem would have to rethink all its policies and pricing mechanisms.
• Standing charges would rocket to prop up ailing suppliers.
• Smart meters would become mandatory by law.
• Risk of cyber hijacking of smart meters.
• People working at energy supply companies would lose their jobs.
• Increased burden on UK taxpayer.
• Rising house insurance premiums due to risk of roof fires.
• Increased pressures on emergency services.
• Increased risk of cowboy solar panel/battery installers.
• SEG payments stopped due to excess power being sold back to grid.
• Grid infrastructure overload.
• Detrimental impact on power station operation.
• UK becomes major exporter of renewable energy to other countries.
• Government’s excessive renewable energy export income reduces taxes.
• Reduced national dependence on fossil fuel imports.
• Less emissions better for the climate.
• Increased solar radiation as protective 'pollution' layer removed.
• Rise in skin cancers.
• Collapse of global economies dependant on gas or oil sales.
• Increased illegal migration as people struggle in countries facing economic ruin.
• Jobs created in UK solar related industries such as panel servicing or battery replacement.
• World’s supply of precious minerals decimated to produce batteries.
• Used batteries create environmental waste hazards.
• Waste hazards impact eco-systems to cause mass extinctions of species.
• Loss of animal habitats due to mining or land given over to solar energy production.
• Rise in artificially created food stuffs.
• Planet and even possibly the moon raped in the mining of precious minerals.
• Global wars erupt over mineral rights.
• Disruption to financial markets due to over-supply of renewable energy.
• Population over dependence on solar energy.
• Lack of research and development on other energy types.
• Re-nationalisation of electricity.
• AI data centres mushroom.
• UK population re-trains in manual trades.
• Government housing target smashed as no lack of skilled labourers.
• Housing market crash.

And the list could go on and on, limited only by your imagination because when you play ‘What If?’ there are no financial constraints or global politics to consider. It’s all in your head where anything’s possible no matter how silly or improbable.

Of course, the major spanner in the works would be the unexpected arrival of a giant meteorite or the death of the sun. No sun, no solar power.

OMG! What if there was no sun? Here we go again.

ENERGY & EPR PAIN

Depeche Mode once sang about ‘a pain that I’m used to’ and this morning’s energy price cap headlines confirmed that pain.

It’s a pain that I’m getting used to at least 4 times a year because since the ‘pants’ cap was introduced back in 2019, all we’ve seen is our bills steadily increasing as illustrated by this fabulous bar chart produced by Bionic.

The 'Pants' Cap

It won’t be long before each bar is consistently over the £2K mark especially if the trend for non-payment of bills continues or supplier’s start going bust as a result of ongoing wars pushing up wholesale costs. Smaller companies that can’t afford to hedge by buying cheaply in advance are going to struggle to weather this storm. Oh yes and naturally, Ofgem will protect them by pushing the cap upwards.

Muppet Miliband’s great push for more renewable energy sources is noble but flawed all the time the cost of electricity is wedded to gas prices. That divorce has long been overdue but I suspect it won’t happen in my lifetime. Any remaining UK industry, already on its knees, will be left without a shirt on its back too before anyone sees sense and de-couples this pricing mechanism.

War is also playing straight into Ed’s hands in that issues affecting LNG (liquified natural gas) are going to give him carte blanche to push up gas bills exponentially especially as the UK imports about 15-20% of the country’s gas supply.

My guess is that what we’ll begin to see on our bills is a continued harmonisation between the cost of electricity and gas. Given time, it’ll no longer be cheaper to have gas cooking or heating because it will cost exactly the same as electric. Good news for UK plc as it won’t need to pay so much for imported gas, bad news for Punter plc as we’ll all be paying through the nose.

Luckily, germinating beans requires zero energy other than that produced for free by the force of the sun’s rays. Almost within days of planting my last lot of seeds, germination has succeeded thanks to a combination of this unprecedented May heatwave and a few scoops of top soil. NO peat-free compost was used in the making of this production!

Hurrah!   Beans have sprouted

Beady-eyed readers may have noticed that instead of using a fancy propagator, I’ve used a re-purposed plastic container following a tasty chicken drummy dinner. And this brings me to a new ‘pain’ that we’re all going to have to get used to – it’s called EPR or Extended Producer Responsibility.

EPR is a new environmental levy about to be foist upon businesses who produce or supply items that create waste packaging. Its intention is that by charging manufacturers for unsustainable packaging, companies will design more recyclable products thus reducing the waste management burden.

Of course, as we all know, any Government levy or tax on business in any way, shape or form is never simply absorbed by companies from their profit margins but is immediately passed down the line to the end user. Expect to see food prices increase to cover retailer’s additional costs of EPR as the Government’s not going to back down over this policy.

So, the pains we’re getting used to: increased energy costs, food and petrol prices, rising inflation and if this heatwave continues – water shortages. 

Get ready for that hose-pipe ban. I can feel it in my water!

SUMMER OF FUN

Woo hoo! A summer of fun! 

Discounted tickets. Free kids’ meals and bus rides. Wahay!

There’s a cost-of-living squeeze that’s tighter than my dowdy denims especially after chowing down on all those holiday cakes/biscuits yet what does this Government do? Rather than address some of the REAL pressures that affect everyone’s lives such as controlling or reducing prices of energy, fuel and food, they decide to cut VAT on the cost of theme park tickets and give kids free bus rides.

Right. So, what about peeps with no kids or who don’t like theme parks? Any help for those punters?

Okay so they’ve temporarily shelved a 5p increase in future fuel duty which is just as well seeing as how the Treasury has been the main benefactor of higher pump prices. What they could have done is immediately cut existing fuel duty by 5p per litre and mandated this reduction across all forecourts instead of leaving it to retailers to pass on which as we all know, they never do.

Alright, so we were given a discount on our energy green levies of allegedly £150 earlier on in the year (April). Well let me tell you how that has panned out for customers of the pink cephalopod.

Green levies are generally part of the infamous ‘standing charge’ that all energy customers pay per day regardless of consumption. With that in mind, if the Government is offering to remove some of the green levies then logically, you’d think that there would be a reduction in the amount payable in daily standing charges because that is where suppliers usually hide these costs.

WRONG!  The pink cephalopod instead applied a small reduction to unit costs. Kerching! With summer approaching and most central heating systems switched off, there is bound to be a reduction in your consumption. So, if a discount is applied to unit rates, how much of that alleged £150 reduction to your bills do you think you’re going to see in your costs after April? It certainly isn’t going to be £150.

If standing charges had been reduced then we might ALL have benefited by the amount proposed by the Government in last year’s budget as energy suppliers could have simply knocked £12.50 off your bill per month until £150 discount had been achieved.

And do I think that reduction to unit costs is going to last right through to year end or at least until I next turn on the boiler? Unlikely because the energy price cap review in July will no doubt push up prices thanks to the war in the Middle East. That £150 ‘help’ off bills is nothing more than a figment of your imagination and clever sleight-of-hand from the Reevemeister.

Let’s turn our thoughts to theme park tickets or tickets to any other attraction that we might be tempted to visit with our little darlings during the school holidays.

When we purchase these tickets, do we ever see a full breakdown of the cost? Does your receipt show the base cost of entry with 20% VAT added on? I don’t recall ever seeing this in the past but then I’ve never really paid attention to it. Without this breakdown, how are you going to know if merchants are passing on a VAT reduction?

Say, for example, that you want to buy a day pass to Alton Towers. Currently, the online price for one of these is around £39 which is quite a chunk of money to pay for a bit of summer fun.

This ticket price would break down as follows:

Cost of entry - £32.50
VAT 20% - £6.50
Total Price - £39.00

Now let’s imagine that Alton Towers is going to pass on the Reevester’s VAT reduction in full. The price of summer fun would now look like this:

Cost of entry - £32.50
VAT 5% - £1.63
Total Price - £34.13 – wow, that’s almost a fiver off!

Ever the cynic, I can’t actually see museums or attractions passing on this discount because let’s face it, they’re having to pay more for energy, wages, etc so what I think will happen in this example is that the basic cost of entry will increase by £5. When lower VAT is then applied, the overall ticket price remains exactly the same. What this means is that the proposed Government discount is being given to help struggling businesses and NOT you.

To test out this theory, I’m going to keep a beady eye on ticket prices of a few local attractions/theme parks to see whether or not their online prices go down.

Again, the key thing about this perk is that the Government has once again left it up to the merchant to pass on the discount. Somehow, I can’t see struggling businesses giving punters reduced entry fees and free kids’ meals (a double discount for families) when they’re being squeezed hard like everyone else.

There’s no such thing as a free lunch. And besides, most kids don’t catch buses because their parents prefer to drive everywhere in their humungous Chelsea tractors in case their legs drop off.

I may sound like an old killjoy but remember - the money to cover all of this ‘free’ summer fun will no doubt have to be found in the next budget so don't be surprised to see taxes going up.  It's a repeat of  'Eat Out To Help Out' and look what happened there.

PRIME SUSPECT

I’ve been away for one week and look what’s happened - the Government’s imploded! Collapsed in on itself like a deflated bouncy castle. What’s this country coming to?

Not-quite-out-on-his-ear Keir is yet to set out his resignation timeline but his days are clearly numbered. More’s the pity as although he’s got the personality of a cardboard cut-out, what this country needs is a steady, boring type at the helm and not some gobshite renegade that will further trash our already precarious economy. If he goes, the chancellor is sure to follow as her popularity is on a par with gloopy semolina pudding.

In bygone times, your neck would have been on the block

Given the choice of the three successor stooges available – Rayner, Streeting, Burnham; a combination that sounds like a firm of dodgy accountants, I can’t see anything but a titanic disaster coming our way. Get your lifejackets ready for the autumn budget. It’s going to be a choppy ride.

Politics has become like football with prime ministers or premiership managers ten-a-penny. What’s needed to stabilise the state of this flailing nation is consistency, not continual leadership changes or in-party bickering. It’s the Tories all over again!

And as for that Zack Polanski, don’t get me started. There’s not enough cyber space available to fill with my thoughts on his crazy policies particularly those on illegal migration. 

Yeah Zack, let’s just open the floodgates to every Tom, Dick or Harry who wants to fleece the taxpayer of every hard-earned penny. We’ll give them all a big welcoming lily liberal hug then shower them with free taxis, hotels, healthcare, etc, etc. Then we can all stand back to watch as this island slowly sinks to the bottom of the Channel under the weight of over-population. Over my dead body. Vote Green? I’d rather pull my intestines out through my belly button!

It’s going to be an interesting political summer for sure. However, of greater importance are my veggies or rather, lack of. Has anyone else noticed that seeds this year are not germinating very well? Even the Ancient Mariner whose fingers are a damned sight greener than Zack is struggling to make any sense of the non-appearance of his runner beans.

Only 4 bean seeds have germinated

My dwarf beans have failed to materialise and the tomatoes I have managed to get to germinate are struggling to say the least. What pathetic specimens! 

Why aren't my tomatoes growing?

The only thing that’s gotten off to a good start are the carrots and chard which are happily thriving outside.

Carrots doing well

Hate to say it but my guess is that this situation is largely due to that awful peat-free compost we’ve been forced to buy in the interests of saving the planet. I’m now mixing my compost with either top soil or soil from the garden in a bid to try to improve growing capability.

I've stuck some new seeds into a tray of dirt positioned on a sunny windowsill. Let’s see if this next lot of beans will do any better now that I’m back to nurture them into existence.

MALTESERS

Strike a pose, I feel another holiday snap coming on!

Valletta

With the end of our trip looming, there’s just one last opportunity to savour all those wonderful Maltese delights. Those delicious local biscuits, pastizzis or rabbit spaghetti – yes, cute little bunnies are a staple on restaurant menus. Yum!

Scrummy Maltese biscuits

One last ferry trip, this time across the harbour to Sliema. My advice; don’t bother unless you like sleazy looking seafront pubs that offer an all-day-long happy hour.

You've got to be kidding!

Sliema waterfront

Sliema is like a Maltese Magaluf. And any place that has a shopping mall where you have to pay 1 euro to spend a penny is definitely not on my ‘must see’ list. Been there, didn’t like it.

Back in Valletta…

OMG! Is that what I think it is?

At last - the Maltese Falcon

Looks like a golden falcon perched on top of a very long pole. No wonder, we couldn’t find it as you rarely look up when sightseeing. I can now tick Maltese Falcon off my grockle list.

Time to re-visit Café Cordina (Republic Street) for one more decadently gorgeous cake. This beautiful café is top of my Valletta ‘go to’ list as their interior is lovely and their cakes are to die for.

Green marzipan cassata cake and tiramisu

Cafe Cordina

And now it’s back to packing up suitcases ready for that crack of dawn flight back to Blighty.  Anything to declare?  A case full of tacky fridge magnets, nougat bars, dirty looking suntan and an expanded waistline.  

Winging it back home

MARSAXLOKK

Have bus will travel. Valletta’s biggest advantage for visitors is its amazingly large bus depot just outside the city walls with buses running to almost every part of Malta.

Their public transportation system is simple – just one national company charging a flat fare of 2.5 euros per journey regardless of how far you want to travel. In the winter months, fares drop to 2 euros per journey. The bus company offers a range of travel cards for a set price. For 21 euros, you can have unlimited travel for 7 days and for 19 euros, you can buy a 12 trip card that has no time limits making the odd adhoc journey economical too. 

The UK might have benefitted from a similar arrangement rather than leaving it all to a load of different private operators all thinking of profit rather than an effective national transportation policy.

19 euro travel card

With this system in place, car ownership suddenly becomes less important which is just as well judging by the narrow streets in most towns/villages. There’s limited parking in most places and I can’t see how driving those fashionable Chelsea tractors that everyone likes to own these days would really work on roads barely wide enough for the bin lorry.

Who'd have a car in Malta?

This simple public transport system is perfect for island exploration. Many beautiful towns or villages are only a short 30-40 minute bus ride from Valletta such as the picturesque fishing village of Marsaxlokk.

Beautiful Marsaxlokk

A sheltered inner harbour is filled with colourful traditional Maltese luzzi boats.

Luzzi boats

Beautiful flower filled doorways or decorated balconies make me long for my garden. I expect my veggies are frazzling away un-watered all the time I’m swanning around the Med.

Love those planters

What a lovely doorway

There’s a large seafront promenade which starts off empty but gradually fills with restaurant tables and umbrellas as the day goes on.

Early morning on the prom

Seafood is the most popular offering on most menus; everything from mussels, octopus, calamari to tuna or swordfish steaks. And all reasonably priced too. I had a tuna steak as big as half a dinner plate and it only cost 18 euros. (Café de Paris) Bloody tasty!

The pace of life in Marsaxlokk is far more tranquil than in Valletta. For starters, there appear to be a lot less grockles milling about so you can actually relax and not have to spend the day dodging elbows, backpacks or phombies.

Tourist free facade

As well as looking out for the tourists, it seems locals are also taking care of waifs and strays. Just look at this marvellous little kitty holiday complex. It’s located at the far end of the harbour almost opposite the tourist information office.

Kitty holiday homes

A row of small wooden huts so moggies can take a relaxing siesta away from the hot sun. I’m sure Bertie would have loved curling up in one of these moggy mansions.

Hello kitty

If I’d done my pre-holiday homework, I might have been tempted to base myself somewhere quieter like Marsaxlokk then travel into Valletta which can be visited almost in a day. Something worth considering if you are thinking of taking a trip to Malta particularly if you hate crowds.

Marsaxlokk harbour

MDINA - THE SILENT CITY

It can hardly be called The Silent City when every nook and cranny is filled with the babble of noisy, phone wielding grockles. 

OMG - more grockles!

Like Valletta, visiting Mdina is all about timing since it’s another favourite of cruise ships or coach parties. Don’t leave it to the weekend. Get there either very early in the morning or late afternoon.

Very pretty

The quietest place in town are the Catacombs, ancient underground burial chambers hewn from rock of which there are many to explore if you like running round dark, chilly grave sites. The only thing you can hear is the sound of a mobile phone smashing against the stone floor as punters scramble around the uneven dimly lit crypts.

Exploring the catacombs in Rabat

Wow, these burial chambers are so cool

St Agatha’s Catacombs opposite the larger St Paul’s catacomb complex are well worth the 5 EUR entry ticket not only because of the charismatic tour guide but because there are actual bones laid in some of the graves. Come on, you can’t beat skeletal remains when it comes to ghoulish appeal.

Underground church in St Agatha's catacombs

Double bubble for me as there is also an interesting museum probably housing Malta’s largest collection of rocks. Perfect pebbles, yay! 

Madonna of the perfect pebble

Makes my fossil/pebble collection look feeble in comparison. And of course, there are also bones…

Remains found in the catacombs

Whilst all the pretty young influencers are posing on the ancient fortified parapets, we’re continuing on our gruesome tour of Mdina with a visit to the underground Dungeons.

Mdina fortifications

Here you’ll find a series of horrible histories from bubonic plague to Spanish Inquisition and all manner of hideous tortures in between.

Gruesome torture tableux

Still on the NHS waiting list

Mdina Dungeons - a horrible bit of fun

Including some interesting head gear called Masks of Shame. There’s a lot we could learn from history and I can definitely see a role for these in modern times.

Masks of shame - if the cap fits...

Basically, transgressors are made to wear a mask befitting of the crime committed. Male chauvinist? You get a pig mask. Spreading malicious gossip? Poking your nose into people’s business? Stirring up trouble? There’s a natty little number to fit the bill. 

Maybe we could design a few to cover today’s hate crimes such as internet trolling. Imagine having to wear a troll mask for a week in public – oh the shame of it!

There’s something for everyone in Mdina – interesting little alleyways, a splash of greenery, wonderful architecture and of course, a fabulous cathedral.

Even more stunning than the one in Valletta

Wonderful architecture

An outdoor garden - Malta style

Would you believe it but behind the cathedral, down one of those narrow streets, I actually stumbled across the equivalent of a Maltese charity shop. This wonderful emporium housed an eclectic collection of china knick-knacks, the sort you buy on holiday then gather dust for the next millennia.

Maltese charity shop - a wonderful Aladdin's cave

And when you’ve had enough of it all, there’s the antics of the local lizards sunning themselves in the park gardens outside the Silent City to keep you entertained.

Any sign of that Maltese falcon?

'V' FOR VALLETTA

‘V’ is for Valletta or Viennetta as I like to think of it as I’ve been busy sampling lots of delicious gelatos since landing. By the time I fly home I’m going to be looking like a Malteser – small, brown and very round.

Just one cornetto?

‘V’ is also for very crowded. Cruise ships and coach parties pour into Valletta on a daily basis, making the compact city centre a sightseer’s nightmare. Just look at all these grockles!

Far too many tourists packed into every street

My patience with ‘Viennetta’ is rapidly melting. I’ve been elbowed in the ribs, boob punched, jostled repeatedly and almost pushed down the steps of the local SPAR shop by an impatient Italian woman who just couldn’t wait for me to get through the doorway. These ‘mambo Italiano’ grockles do appear to be the worst of the lot. Nothing but a load of impatient, arrogant, loud queue jumpers.

In addition to half the world shoehorned into an area the size of Chichester’s town centre, ‘V’ is for very expensive.

Breakfast al fresco

Holidays abroad are no longer the bargain break they once were. Over the past decade, prices particularly across the Mediterranean regions but also in the EU generally, seem to be levelling up almost to the point that very soon it won’t matter if you’re in Munich or Malta because everything will just have one generic euro price across the bloc.

Where you could once drink a cold beer in Spain for less than a couple of euros, in Malta a pint of local brew (Cisk) will set you back between 3 to 6 euros depending on which bar you’re at.

Locally brewed at Farson's.  Excellent brewery tour

‘Eddies’ in Republic Street offers 2 x beers or 2 x Aperols for 8 euros so you can still have a skinful for under 20 euros.

Relaxing with a beer in Republic Street

Budget around 40 to 50 euros if you want a nice restaurant meal for two (no wine). Like all economies built on the tourist dollar, the Maltese are skilled in the art of parting punters from their euros so for super scrimpers like us who enjoy value for money, the thrill of it is to have as much fun as possible but without needing a second mortgage to pay for a holiday. For those on a shoestring budget, there are plenty of pizza deals often with Aperol spritz’s thrown in for free especially in the area around Republic Street.

Valletta’s food market in Merchant Street houses a food court as well as a supermarket so if in self-catering accommodation, you can always cook your own pizzas to save a few pennies. 

The cheapest and tastiest snack in town are ‘pastizzis’ – a small almost pasty-like treat filled with ricotta cheese costing around 60 cents. Couple of these and a can of Cisk takes care of lunch for as little as 5 euros.

For those tasty pastizzi moments

Fifteen is the magic number when it comes to sightseeing. Ten to fifteen euros seems to be the most common price per person for most museums or other tourist attractions in the city. It would be easy to burn through a hundred euros in one day if two of you just went to 4 or 5 places. 

Even the cathedral robbed us of 30 euros merely for the opportunity to gawp at golden decorations and take some photos. 

Breathtaking interior of the St John's Cathedral

If you enjoy visiting churches, the cathedral’s interior was out of this world but don’t wait until a Saturday to see it unless you want to queue for a couple of hours.

Am I getting any closer to the front of the queue?

Sorry if I seem to be painting a negative picture, it’s not always a continual assault on your wallet because public transport is as cheap as chips when compared to the UK. Buses have a flat fare of 2.5 euros to take you anywhere on the island you want to go and since Valletta has a huge bus depot, this is perfect for island exploration.

Is that the Maltese falcon?  No it's a budgie

Ferries serving both sides of Valletta will set you back 5 euros for a return trip. These run at regular intervals all day long so you can hop across the bay either to Sliema or Birgu if the crowds get too much.

Ferry or a traditional boat cruise round the harbour

Blink not once but twice. How is it that a small island like Malta can sell diesel for 1.21 euros per litre when I am paying about 70p more per litre in the UK? I kid you not. The camera never lies!

Maltese fuel prices - far cheaper than UKs