DORMER DONE

Final day of dormer work. We’re 2 hours in and thank goodness no other horrors have been discovered. Fingers crossed it continues this way until the end.

Where there was once a void between plasterboard and the exterior cladding, there are now various layers of breathable membrane and thick foam board insulation (Celotex) to keep us toasty when using the upstairs bathroom.

Rather than use UPVC or cement board cladding to cover the exterior, I have copied many of the other neighbourhood dormers and decided on dark roofing tiles instead. These should blend in better with the existing roof tiles, be very durable and look less dirty than white cladding.

Dark brown roofing tiles instead of cladding

The handy blokes have done a very neat job of battening round the windows and hanging the tiles. It’s already starting to look a lot nicer than the old dormer but the key thing is whether or not the added insulation will cut down on condensation often leading to black mould on the bathroom ceiling after a few hot showers. I’ll be keeping a close eye on this.

Lovely neat battening

Lashings of insulation, new rubber roof properly angled to prevent pooling water and guttering added. In short, it’s almost a completely new dormer less a full re-build.

My one gripe because there’s always something that’s less than perfect in my own little world is that they’ve left a line of exposed ragged edges at the point where the roofing tiles join the lead flashing. I would have expected a bit of brown trim or something to cover the exposed gap.  Maybe I'm just fussing.

Should there be trim covering this ragged edge?

Actually, there is one other tiny grizzle and that is in the way the tiles have been hung. They are perfectly straight but I feel the overall appearance might have looked better if the overlap rows had been closer together. I realise this would have meant using more tiles, maybe a tighter overlap may have provided greater weather-proofing as well as looking less clunky. God, you’re so picky!

Maybe the overlaps could have been tighter together?

Otherwise, great job chaps.  Very happy with my super-pimped rear dormer. Roll on winter as I can’t wait to see whether the bathroom is warmer in the mornings or not.

A great job done

FORMER DORMER

More dormer drama!

It’s day 2 on the former dormer project and last week’s heatwave has turned into one of those cold grey, threatening to rain kind of days. Just the sort of thing you really want when your bathroom's going topless.  This crabby weather doesn’t appear to have dampened the builder’s enthusiasm for this thankless task.

On today’s dormer menu is cladding removal. Oh no, looks like under that horrible white plastic cladding is… Well, nothing. I mean there’s absolutely not a stitch.  No insulation or anything remotely bridging the gap between plastic and plasterboard. No wonder it’s decidedly chilly willy every time you shower.

In addition to not having one shred of insulation, the photos taken by the cheeky chappie show all the supporting dormer timbers are like the current government, rotten to the core. Rotten, damp and likely to lead to further issues if not immediately replaced. Oh God. Not a trip to Travis Perkins – let’s just throw a few more zeros on to the final price, why don't you.

Unfortunately, this is the downside to buying older properties. Building regulations were different back then and even though logically it would make sense in any century to insulate your homestead, if there’s no legal requirement to do so then developers are not going to bother.

Whilst this melodrama unfolds high above me, the transformation of the understairs cupboard door is proving to be much less of a headache.

Mitred frame has been added, joints caulked and paint applied. Already there’s a vast visual improvement.

All ready to paint

The bakelite back plate fits neatly into the gap made in the dado rail and luckily, the existing vintage spindle had enough holes in it to enable me to put the door knob into its new home with no problems.

Bakelite door fittings back in place

Just add artwork and you’d almost never know there’d been a plain old door there in the first place. 

Artwork hung with Command strips

With its new panelled persona, the door blends almost seamlessly in with the rest of the walls. I hope you'll agree that is miles better than before.

Thumbs up to pimping up plain doors!

BEFORE - plain door

AFTER - Wow, what a difference

NESSUN DORMER

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!

That’s the sound of money being squandered on what might be considered unnecessary work to the house but which in my head, is deemed justifiable.

I’m paying to have the rear dormer refurbished. Why? For a number of reasons that largely include water pooling on the sagging flat roof, lack of guttering, zero insulation, flimsy cladding and all the aesthetic appeal of a rotting cucumber.

When the developers originally built our house, they must have just plonked on any old dormer with no thought given whatsoever to its design or functionality. I mean just look at it.  It's hideous.

Dreadful dormer

Three windows haphazardly spaced across the front instead of being nicely grouped to give a more pleasing external appearance. In the ideal world, I would prefer to have a dormer with a pitched roof or one with windows spaced out like this one:

What I wish I had instead

However, not being as rich as Rockefeller, I don’t have the cash to completely demolish the existing structure and start again. Plus, a pitched roof would require formal planning permission/building regs approval thus adding even more to the bill so I’m having to make do with a few cosmetic tweaks instead. New timbers, lots of insulation, guttering and the awful white plastic cladding replaced with darker roofing tiles.

Unfortunately, nothing can be done about the positioning of the windows much to my displeasure as this is classed as a structural alteration. Got to live with what you’ve got. And at around £5K for cosmetic tweaks, there would be more bang for my buck splashing out on dermal fillers to sort out my jowly chops.

Still, it’s post Bank Holiday, the builder blokes are here ripping off the roof of the rear dormer window, a structure that I’ve been informed has been royally bodged left, right and centre by all accounts.

‘Was the rubber roof on your dormer there when you bought the house?’ the dirt-covered dude asked smiling rakishly.

‘Yes’ I tentatively replied ‘we’ve not meddled with either of the dormers’ at the same time wondering where this conversation was going and whether it would end in a hefty increase to the quoted cost.

With almost great glee, the handy bloke informed me that the rubber roof we had on our dormer had been plonked on top of the old felt one or rather three previous felt ones. It also transpired that the original roof had been constructed on timbers that were not the right height, had not been insulated and at least two of the three layers of felt hadn’t been properly stuck down. Anything else?

I was assured that all of these shenanigans could be magically rectified but I would have a lot more rubbish to take to the tip. Phew! Is that all?

Rubbish – now there’s a popular topic de jour. To get round the requirement of paying to dump commercial waste, it seems the trades are now foisting disposal of any work-related rubbish onto their customers. It was emphatically pointed out at the quote stage of this project that dumping was my responsibility and not theirs.

Okay. I get it. You want me to hump everything down to the local recycling centre so you won’t have to pay for trade waste. Not a problem if I thought I'd be getting my work done cheaper as a result but I think its more a case of they don't want the hassle of having to deal with waste removal.

Something else to factor in if you are getting work done because if you haven’t got a local tip near you then it might mean having to shell out for a skip and these aren’t cheap. Judging by this little lot, it’s going to be multiple trips to the tip!

Rubbish removal? That's your job missus

DOOR TRANSFORMATION

May the fourth be with you!

Feeling refreshed after a nice cuppa and forty winks, it’s time to get back to the business of pimping this understairs cupboard door before I have to fight off any passing stormtroopers who may want to quash my decorating rebellion.

Using the same materials as for the wall panels, the other half has cut 4 pieces of MDF in sizes to match the existing panels. I’ve primed and sanded all the pieces before sticking them into position.

Prime/sand all pieces beforehand

To create a panel square on the door to match those of the wall panels, I’ve attached these MDF lengths to the painted door using a layer of CT1 spread thinly along the back of each piece. 

Stick MDF into place from bottom up

Clamp glued bits to the door then allow to dry completely. This should minimise any gaps along the edge although these can always be disguised with decorator’s caulk.

Clamp MDF to outer edge of door

As you can see, I can’t fit the top horizontal piece in place because the bakelite back plate and handle are in the way. Hmmm – how to get round this without having to template cut the panel to fit the shaped back plate?

Bakelite back plate in the way of top panel piece

I know. I’ll remove the door handle and back plate then re-fit it on top of the MDF piece. Sounds like a plan.

Work out where your door handle is going to sit on the panel then cut out a hole for the spindle as this will need to poke through from the other side.

Cut a hole for the handle spindle

Fortunately, the vintage spindle has extra holes on it that should make it just about long enough to account for the additional thickness of the MDF so there is no need to scout about online for a longer spindle. 

Check spindle holes 

I've also had to gouge out a channel in the dado rail to allow the back plate to sit flat onto the MDF panel lengths.  Doesn't look too pretty but I'm hoping a good paint job will help to hide the worst.

Adjust dado rail to accommodate back plate

Paint everything in your final colour first, before re-fitting the back plate/door knob.

Now all that’s needed is to make the smaller mitred frame to fit inside the door's panel square. Where has the other half got to? He went off to B&Q ages ago. Perhaps he got captured by those pesky stormtroopers and is now rotting in a dark, dingy extra-terrestrial jail cell?  The lengths he'll go to in order to get out of doing carpentry!

PIMP MY DOOR

They’ve come for your car, your heating and now they’re gunning for your tumble dryer. Another consumer choice being systematically removed by Muppet Miliband in his quest to conquer carbon. When will this net zero madness end?

Don't let them take me away

Although I have a condensing tumble dryer purchased years ago for climate ‘emergencies’ ie to get round the situation where you can’t dry clothes during Britain’s lengthy rainy spells, it has remained unused in the garage for the past 5 years. Why? Because when you’ve got a washing line outside it would be cheaper to burn fivers than to tumble clothes.

Tumble dryers are one of those 'vampire' devices that suck the living daylights out of the grid as well as your wallet.  It's no wonder Miliband's got it in for them.  He would rather we all stopped using electricity than putting in place proper power infrastructure to enable cheap renewable energy to be zapped down to every home in the land when its needed.  Much cheaper for the Government as a whole to reduce demand altogether or manipulate folks into using energy when they want you to instead of when you want to.

But what about all those folks who live in blocks of flats or dwellings that have no gardens in which to dry their wet clobber? I foresee them forever trapped, tripping over a clothes horse for the rest of their days if this bonkers tumble dryer ban comes to pass. Better get a new one now before the shops sell out as it seems panic buying has already started.

This carbon craziness is all too much for my tiny head to get round at this time of day so instead I’m turning my thoughts to the door of the understairs cupboard.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A couple of reprobates bought a dilapidated property which they set about transforming into a more desirable empire, free from the tyranny of wood chip wallpaper. These rebel forces replaced all the cheap nasty hollow doors with lovely 1930’s styled oak veneer doors.

1930's styled oak veneer door

All except one. The portal to the understairs dimension - a black hole so deadly that those who enter it have no idea what they’ll encounter or even if they’ll emerge alive.

This door looks dreadful

To crush any future decorating rebellions once and for all, I’ve concocted a sinister death star of a DIY plan to bring the bland understairs cupboard door in line with the rest of the corridor. I’m pimping my door.  Steady on there, old girl. 

Yep, I’m going to pimp this door so that it blends in with the rest of the wood panelling because I can’t bear to look upon its boring, flat face any longer. What? I hear you all shout but that’s impossible! Listen up, in my world, anything’s possible. The trick is to find the way to make it happen.

But more about that later. It’s so hot all the words in my head have melted together like a bit of cheddar under a sizzling grill. Chhhhheeeezzzz… 

It's time for a lie down in a dark room where I can cool off and dream of tasty Edam, door panels and burying Ed Miliband under a gigantic mountain of sopping wet un-tumbled blankets.

TESTING - ONE, TWO, THREE

Speed limits in force for system testing. 

Testing a motorist’s patience is more like it!

For the past 5 years, journeys from east to west (and vice versa) along the M27 have been plagued with seemingly never-ending roadworks in a bid to turn this innocuous stretch of tarmac into a ‘smart’ motorway.

In that time political parties have come and gone yet the project has still NOT been fully completed although we were all promised it would be by Spring 2026. Not that I’m an impatient driver or anything but just how much longer is it going to take? Temporary average speed cameras, signage and other road-working paraphernalia still clutter the verges and as if this wasn’t bad enough, now there’s the system testing.

System testing that’s taking longer than the Hundred Years war. Just how long does it take to test if a motorway is smart? Or rather my question is, when will the 50 mph temporary speed limit be lifted?

According to a recent news report, 50 will now continue to be the new black until the end of June.

Cynically, I’m wondering if this subterfuge of testing the system is a precursor to a mandatory reduction of overall speed limits between junctions 3 and 12 which is where most of the traffic bottlenecks occur during the rush hour. Bloody obvious, isn’t it! Don’t think I didn’t notice that the odd stretch now and again at a lower speed has now become one long continuous reduction pretty much from Rownhams to Portsmouth. Sneaky, sneaky. I may be 63 but nothing wrong with my eyesight (yet).

The chimps working in the National Highways basement clearly think it’s a smart thing for cars to go a lot slower particularly where slip roads are involved because that’s usually where prangs occur.

Why? Largely the result of drivers not slowing down for traffic merging from the left or those who are joining the motorway not bothering to indicate or erratically pulling straight out in front of you. Plus, you’ve got to account for ditherers. If you’re going to merge then do it. Don’t wait for an invitation, just indicate then smoothly join in with the rest of the traffic. That’s the spirit.

What National Highways haven’t taken into consideration is whilst this motorway may be deemed ‘smart’ those behind the wheel often aren’t. There have been times I’ve seen driving antics on this stretch of road that would make your hair curl!

Distance from Chichester to Bournemouth is roughly 64 miles. With no traffic holdups and travelling at a speed of 70 mph, it should take about an hour to complete this distance. Prior to M27 roadworks, I’d do this journey in around 50-60 minutes.

Travelling the same distance at a speed of 50 mph, journey time can be anything between 1 hr 30 to 2 hours depending on time of day and volumes of traffic.

I do hope that when all this system testing is finished, normal 70 mph service can be resumed but no doubt by then a new set of roadworks will kick off and we’ll all be back to square one.

MOBILE SMOKE SIGNALS

One thing that’s not very good about Chichester is its mobile phone signal. In the city centre, it’s honestly quite non-existent or at best, shite.

Should you be wandering round the pedestrian precinct and need to get an urgent message to someone then I’d suggest using a carrier pigeon or smoke signals. Plenty of birds around the Cathedral although a few do get picked off now and then by the resident peregrine falcons nesting high up near the spire. Mobile phone signal? Forget it.

Word on the street is that this woeful telecommunications limbo is largely due to either the Church or the landed gentry (collectively, I shall call our neighbouring peers The Lord Snootys) because neither of these factions want mobile masts in the city centre.

‘It’s a conservation area, don’t you know’ seems to be the most common refrain when this subject crops up in the local papers. 

Conserving a Stone-age mentality instead of fostering the Fone Age we live in today. I know I’m a bit of a techno-dino myself but I do appreciate at least four bars of signal on my ancient Nokia instead of the pathetic trickle of network coverage achieved as soon as I step out of my front door.

Not only are local punters at a disadvantage but so too are the local businesses that operate in the middle of Chi. Lack of signal especially WIFI means that there are often times when cash registers fail to operate or card machines remain as dead as a dodo.

Cash is king. If you happen to be visiting Chichester for a nice day out of shopping then don’t forget to bring some hard readies with you just in case there’s a network outage.

If you want 4G, 5G or in fact any Gs at all then might I suggest one of those new-fangled satellite phones being widely advertised by O2. With a bit of luck, your signal might ping straight back from outer space enabling you to pay for parking at one of the city’s many cashless pay machines or settle your bill for a tasty snack in the myriad of cafes that unlike mobile masts abound in the city centre.

So, to remedy this situation who do I email first – The Pope or The Lord Snootys? No point asking our local MP as being a lily liberal, she’s wetter than a duck’s arse and reckons she’s done all she can to make things better. Which in reality means she’s probably done sod all!

Months ago, I actually emailed this very same MP in response to a consultation being run by our local council that asked residents what they thought the city’s priorities should be. I’m still waiting for a response to my enquiry about how telecommunication links should be boosted in this area.

As life in general revolves around a million and one phone APPS then it’s about time Local or Central Government decreed that telecommunications MUST BE top of everyone’s agenda regardless of whether you’re the Archbishop of Canterbury or descended from a dukedom.

In fact, I feel that mobile masts should be made a compulsory addition to all planning proposals for any new housing developments rather like putting in an electrical substation to assist in the transmission of energy in suburban areas. If the Government are going to force more housing onto the local community then let’s have the technological infrastructure to go with it.

Conservation areas are great in preserving the olde-worlde architectural heritage of Britain’s quaint towns or villages but surely not to the detriment of other aspects of modern life. As I'm sure I've said many a time on this blog, mobile phone masts could be positioned discreetly next to trees or camouflaged in some way to blend in with the surrounding area.  I’m certain Chichester isn’t the only conservation area in the whole kingdom that’s had to deal with this very situation. The reluctance to bring about telecoms improvement is beyond belief.

Centuries ago, the Church or Feudal Lords would have thrown their weight about in this manner to deny the peasants access to anything that might have made their downtrodden lives remotely better. I thought we’d moved on from those times but in Chichester, clearly not.

BLUE BADGER

Lord knows I try to be patient. And pleasant. After all, it isn’t their fault the pair of them have to share one brain cell between two people.  Maintaining a calm demeanour is not an easy task in the face of the administrative adversity which I encountered earlier today at my parents GP surgery.

Medical receptionists are a modern-day Medusa in my book. Most could turn you to stone with just a raised eyebrow. Not that I blame them because they’ve been assigned that most difficult of all roles - gatekeepers to health services which as we all know are not really interested in the welfare of their patients.

A chance encounter with Age UK at my local sports centre set me off on a path to obtain a Blue Badge disabled parking permit that I might be able to use when ferrying my elderly mother to and from her hospital appointments.

Mother, now approaching her 90th year, has lost the ability to walk any great distance. Her gait resembling a hot shoe shuffle rather than a striding step means that even the shortest journeys can seem like an epic quest worthy of Hobbits. Add to that mix an addled brain plus eyesight that’s one pup short of a guide dog, you can begin to understand why I thought a Blue Badge might have been the answer to my parking prayers.

Blue Badge? I’m beginning to realise it would be easier to get hold of a blue badger than one of these permits.

After a lengthy phone call with the local council to request a paper application form to kick start the process, it became clear that navigating the bureaucratic Blue Badge labyrinth was not going to be as easy as the tabloids make out because dearest mother is neither registered disabled nor claims any welfare benefits. These two trump cards unlock the magic parking portal. Blue Badge nirvana.

For those mere mortals not fortunate enough to fall into these two categories, an evidence-based application process must be pursued.

Exhibit 1, your Honour, a certificate of visual impairment. Exhibit 2 – medical evidence of mobility or other health related issues. Hang on, where’s Exhibit 2? Summon the general practitioner to the witness stand.

And so, I find myself standing in the dock at the doctor’s surgery with my carefully curated ‘evidence’ pack to ask for medical evidence to support my Blue Badge application. Enter Medusa.

I set out my opening statement in a respectful and friendly tone:

‘Hello (smile). I emailed a few weeks ago regarding a Blue Badge application and was told to bring my form to the surgery so you could help me pull it together.’

‘WE DON’T DO THAT HERE.’ snapped the super-officious mythical monster.

‘But I need medical evidence to confirm mum’s mobility issues.’ I tentatively ventured instantly realising I should have called Rumpole of the Bailey to handle my case rather than represent myself.

‘Well, we don’t do that.’ She insisted rather authoritatively as if I’d dared to ask her to pop a leech onto my chest in a bid to rid me of this hacking cough that’s set up a blockade of the lungs in Trumpian fashion.

‘Can’t I get a letter or something from the doctor to include with my form?’ I persisted.

‘I’ll ask but the doctor won’t normally do that.’ She growled almost relenting but not quite ready to give up her bone.

‘Okay. How about I leave my evidence pack with you to show one of your colleagues? If you really can’t help then I’ll come back to collect it later.’ My closing argument as I stop myself reaching into my handbag for a compact mirror so I can turn her to stone with her own reflection.

I appreciate there are blaggers out there who have somehow miraculously managed to bagsie a Blue Badge purely because they are too idle to walk a few steps to the supermarket and now local authorities have to tighten the screws.

Here’s what Doctor Google has to say about these things:

Blue Badge parking permits in England have reached a record 3.07 million, marking an 8% rise year-on-year to over 5% of the population. Driven by a 2019 expansion of eligibility criteria to include "hidden" disabilities, this surge has prompted councils to crack down on rampant misuse and theft.

Apparently Blue Badge fraud costs the nation over £46 million a year according to the AA so it’s no wonder you have to jump through so many hoops to get one although it does feel a tad unfair that the evidence-based process is not applied equally to all applicants in a bid to weed out those who don’t really need one.

In the meantime, time to dig out those dancing pumps Mother as we need to sand dance down to the Eye Hospital again. Shuffle. Shuffle. Shuffle.

WOOD PANELS - FINISHED

How the world of DIY online shopping has changed. A few years ago, I could place an order on B&Q’s website ready to click and collect at my local decorating superstore in the blink of an eye, paid for using e-gift cards collected over time.

And yes, whilst I can still do this from the comfort of my armchair I’ve noticed some subtle changes behind the scenes. I discovered earlier in the week that B&Q has gone the way of other retailers such as Amazon and become a ‘marketplace’ instead of a primary supplier.

What does this mean for those of us renovating on a budget? Well, for one thing there appear to be less products available on the website that qualify for click and collect because these are now coming directly from a different merchant and not B&Q themselves so costly delivery charges may have to be factored into your project budget.

Can't buy in store or click & collect any more

Secondly, if a product is being supplied by a company other than B&Q then you cannot pay for it using an electronic B&Q gift card. Discounts cannot be applied to marketplace merchants. Bugger!

Merchant is Akzonobel and not B&Q

More importantly if there are any issues with purchases made with merchants other than B&Q then you can’t simply walk into a store to seek redress because your contract is with said merchant. This could cause unnecessary stress or delays to a project particularly if items have to be returned or refunds obtained.

Intending to spend over £12 of e-gift card discounts on paint for my wood panels, I felt in some way robbed of the opportunity to shop savvy by this new online retailer practice. But where there’s a will, there’s a way especially when there are still colour mixing desks in store.

I trundled down to my local decorating superstore with my half-used tin of Dulux Heritage paint then got the colour mixing desk to rustle up a pot of furniture paint in the same shade (Green Earth). Okay so it’s not strictly speaking Dulux because they use Valspar paints which I’ve always found to be inferior in thickness/quality to the Heritage range but as its only the corridor then it will do. As my transaction is now deemed an instore purchase then e-gift cards can be used in part payment. Cheaper paint, no waiting for couriers to arrive or delivery costs incurred.

Armed with my freshly mixed Green Earth multi-purpose/furniture paint, I’ve thrown a coat of the stuff onto the wall panels. Money no object, I would have ripped out the original skirting board and replaced this with one that had a profile more sympathetic to my panelling but to trick the eye and disguise the ugly skirting board underneath the panels then I’ve painted that green too.

First coat of paint applied to panels

First coat looks a bit streaky so I suspect it’s going to take more than a couple of coats to get that nice even finish.

Streakier than a rasher of bacon

Here’s what the panels look like after a second application, less streaks although if I had enough energy I might have been tempted to put a third coat on just to be on the safe side.

Looks better after a second coat

Overall, I feel the colour drenching approach has created a different feel to the corridor than that of contrasting white wood panels but I guess it’s just a matter of taste.

Contrasting white panels

Colour drenched finish

To round off the project, I’ll give the architraves a coat of Jasmine White to freshen them up or perhaps I should go the whole hog on this colour drenching thing and paint them green too.

Once the plumber's hung the radiator back in place then it's phase II for the corridor - flooring.

WOOD PANELS - PAINTING

It’s been over 12 working days since I left the world of employment and what was meant to be my period of self-enlightenment (POSE) has instead turned into a calamine calamity. Shingles is not something I’d recommend so if you’re eligible then please spare yourself the agony and go get vaccinated. I will be beating down my GPs door for a dose of Shingrix as soon as I hit 65 as there’s no way I’m going through all this palaver again!

If I thought my spotty nightmare was bad enough, I’ve also been fighting off a bacterial chest infection since the middle of last week. ‘Not shingles related’ said my doctor smiling sympathetically whilst at the same time running through a checklist of potential candidates for the Virus of the Year award. Low immune system was her conclusion. No wonder they call your 60s the decade of disease, it’s just one thing after another.

Of course, most people stricken with these things would be tucked up in bed resting or molly-coddling themselves with soothing hot baths, rum toddies or a plethora of paracetamol but not me – I’m painting the corridor.

Masking up the primed panels

Getting everything ready for a paint job

Thanks to a small sunny window of opportunity, I’ve actually managed to paint the corridor walls above my wood panels which are still a work in progress (a bit like my retirement).

Green Earth walls above primed panels

Two good coats of Dulux Heritage Green Earth velvety matt paint later, I can now see the contrast with the white primed panels. Looks a little too stark for my liking maybe because I made the panel sections so big.

Are these panels TOO white?

The colour contrast may have worked better if I’d made my panels more of a tall, narrow shaker style type rather than going for large squares. Still, we are where we are.

And this is where AI would have been beneficial. Imagine having a computer programme where you could create a mock up of your empty room then tinker about adding wood panels, paint, wallpapers or other decorative features. Brilliant!

I suppose interior designers may already have CAD programmes that enable them to do this but it certainly would have made it easier to visualise the end outcome of this project if I could have produced a virtual reality version of what I wanted my decorated corridor to look like.

Maybe Microsoft could invent a free interactive ‘Changing Rooms’ website for those would-be decorators like me if they’ve got a few minutes to spare.

Cough!  Cough!  Cough!  Time for a rum toddy in a hot shower.  

SPRINGING FORWARD

Hurrah British Summer Time has arrived robbing us all of that extra hour in bed although now I’ve retired, I can compensate for this loss by simply getting up at midday.  

Spring is the ideal time to begin retirement not only because we’re heading towards better weather but because you can wind up all your financial affairs neatly in line with the end of the tax year.

Remember – a prosperous retirement relies on intimate knowledge of UK tax rules. Get to know them better than you know yourself.

For PAYE employees, the end of March marks the 12th month of the financial year. For those retiring at this time of year, your final pay packet is potentially the last time you’ll pay National Insurance, Income Tax or private pension contributions. I say potentially because you may have left work but income tax is still going to dog your footsteps like a demented stalker for the rest of your days.

First on the Tax To Do list is to inform the Revenue that you are no longer in employment. This can be done easily via the Government Gateway website or App. Log onto your account, go to the page that forecasts your income for the new tax year then zero any salary estimates shown against your past employer.

If you are getting income from any other sources such as a private pension, doing this should trigger HMRC into sending out a revised tax coding notice to your remaining income providers which in theory means that your full personal allowance should transfer across in its entirety if you have only 1 sole pension income provider.

Should you be drawing down from multiple private pension schemes at the same time then the situation is a bit more complex as HMRC will need to split your personal allowance across all your income providers so you could see lots of different tax codes suddenly appearing.

Apparently, it is down to an individual to take responsibility for correct tax coding and NOT the Revenue. This makes it even more important to keep on top of this stuff because HMRC can’t always be relied upon to get things right. If your tax codes don’t look right then challenge them asap. Don’t leave it as tax matters are always harder to unravel with the passing of time.

Secondly, if you have not already used up the annual ISA allowance then max out your ISAs. Stash as much cash as you can into any ISA accounts you have prior to the end of the tax year because ANY future retirement income drawn from an ISA account is completely untaxed.

If you are cashing in any private pensions fully to fund early retirement then an ISA is where you should be depositing funds to avoid paying any future savers tax.

Thanks to auto-enrolment I have a small private pension from my ex-employer that I will be cashing in as soon as we roll into the new tax year. Rather than keep the funds invested in a pension pot, I have decided to do this because:

1) Too much volatility in the stock market at present

2) Mansion House accord forcing pension providers to move money into UK equities

3) Possible reduction or removal of the 25% tax free pension lump sum by the Government

4) Possible increase in income tax rates in the next Budget

5) Tax wrapper benefits from cash ISA account


We’re all encouraged to pop our hard-earned cash into pensions BUT what is not always clearly pointed out at the onset are the tax liabilities you incur later on when you come to withdraw funds. Let me give you an example to explain what I mean.

Say I have a small private pension pot valued at £4,000 which I wish to cash in fully. I get to keep the first 25% or £1,000 free of tax. The remaining £3,000 is taxed at 20% so you pay away £600 income tax leaving you only £2,400 towards retirement.

Suppose, I change my mind and decide to leave the pension pot fully invested and draw down regular monthly income from it instead. The same applies. After the tax-free allowance of 25% is used up, you will pay income tax on whatever you draw out every month plus you will also be liable for annual Fund Management fees on the remainder.

Once you understand the above examples then points 3 and 4 made previously become much more important. Should the Chancellor decide to scrap or lower the 25% tax free lump sum allowance for pension withdrawals or put up the rate of income tax in November, your retirement finances will be impacted.

My gut’s telling me that there’s a pretty good chance that in November, income tax rates will need to go up. Not just as a result of the current Gulf war but to make up for loss of revenue from green levies being moved out of energy bills and into general taxation, pay for cost-of-living increases doled out to politicians/benefit claimants, the scrapping of the two-child benefit cap and to fund increases in the Defence budget.

I’d rather take a small tax hit now than a much larger one if the above comes to pass. Once my private pension cash is then stashed away in its ISA tax wrapper, income can grow without future tax penalties being applied. Naturally, the Government will try to stymie this by reducing the annual ISA allowances further because the ravenous revenue hyena is not going to pass up the chance of eating more of your pie.

It’s a given that a cash ISA isn’t going to potentially generate as much income as perhaps a stock market investment will but then again, it’s a small price to pay for security of your capital and NO taxes.

Whoops I’ve rambled on. That’s what happens when there’s no word limits imposed on blog posts. Was there a point to this post? Yes. Choose your retirement date wisely. Whatever you do to fund your retirement always spread things out across multiple tax years to reduce tax liabilities and make full use of tax wrappers. Hence why I will be waiting until at least May before cashing in my small private pension.

BELLS & WHISTLES

Big is beautiful. Or is it?

Back in January 2024 I put up a post relating to ‘shrinkflation’, the popular practice of making products smaller yet charging the same price for them but get this – there’s a new sheriff in town making BIG changes.

Living in a consumerist economy where you’re encouraged to buy, buy, buy means that retailers have to continually come up with cunning ways to part us from our cash. And the latest trend appears to be quite the opposite of ‘shrinkflation’ because instead of giving you less, you’re going to be paying lots more for a whole host of unnecessary bells and whistles or larger sizing.

This all became abundantly clear during the Easter break when I was searching for buns and eggs. Something strange going on here I thought as I perused supermarket shelves.

For example, let’s take the good old hot cross bun. For the past couple of years, I’ve noticed that boring old hot cross buns have been transitioning from what essentially was a simple currant brioche into a stylised poshed up tea-cake baked in a myriad of funky flavours.

Ugh! Why can’t they just leave these things alone? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! 

I don’t want chicken tikka/bubble gum flavoured buns costing £2 plus for a pack of four, I just want the old-fashioned variety to slot into the toaster then slather in butter for breakfast. I recall a few years ago, these currant buns could be bought in packs of six costing a quid now the price has doubled and so has the flavour profile.

And eggs. Don’t get me started on these as that’s a whole new ball game too. Why charge consumers a couple of quid for a plain one filled with a few smarties when for the price of a king’s ransom, you can flog them a ‘luxury’ egg the size of a watermelon in expensive looking packaging? The goose that laid these golden eggs allegedly made of ‘chocolate’ but with less cocoa in them than a bourbon biscuit is certainly fleecing its nest from gullibility.

Buns or chocolate eggs are not the only products being upsized in a bid to part us from our wonga because the eagle has also landed in the laundry basket in the form of Ariel’s Big One. Big mess? Big money. Why stick one ordinary sized pod into your washing machine when for a lot more cash, you could just pop in a bigger one costing double? Guaranteed to clean out mud, grass stains and your wallet all in one easy flick of the wrist.

Weirdly all this tinkering about in the detergent world has annoyed me so much that I’ve reverted back to good old fashioned wash powders. One scoop in the drawer, job’s a good ‘un. No fuss, no additional scent boosters, big ones or sickly-smelling glopping liquids that can be used at lower temperatures. Much more cost effective, less polluting/plastics so environmentally better.

I’m not convinced that washing dirty clothes in temperatures no warmer than a tepid cuppa is going to shift stubborn stains or germs. It’s a jolly hot soaking for the other half’s stinky socks, crusty smalls or sweaty bed sheets.

Super scrimpers beware of these artifices designed to trick you in buying stuff that doesn’t provide value for money. I stopped buying Easter eggs years ago, preferring instead to purchase chocolate bars costing the same but weighing more. Hot cross buns freeze well so buy when on a yellow-ticket price reduction then stick in the freezer until the Easter weekend.

And a bit like Christmas, it's sometimes best to defer your Easter celebrations until after the actual event because most shops sell any leftover chocolate eggs at reduced prices so you get more for your money.  

Remember, big is not always beautiful. Big can encourage wastage. Bells and whistles will cost more but won’t always be better. Buy only what you can afford and always look out for those pennies.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

Woke up this morning to find that Ana Robic had paid us a midnight visit leaving behind a brightly coloured gift in the form of a food recycling bin. Animal, vegetable or mineral? Looks like a character out of Star Wars.

I come in peace

Not another bin! Just where do the Council expect residents to keep all these recycling receptacles? At this rate I’ll be charging them ground rent for my driveway. Pssst! Keep it to yourselves but I don’t actually keep my bins on the drive due to lack of space but have positioned them on the footpath by the front gate. My view is – council bins should sit on council property, not mine.

In Spain, households do not have their own personal set of waste collection bins. Instead, huge commercial type dumpsters are dotted around a neighbourhood on the street. Residents are expected to take out their crap and sort it on arrival at the recycling station according to whether it is glass, plastic packaging, paper/card, food or general waste.

Dumpster pilgrimages regularly take place because no-one wants a bin full of smelly rubbish cluttering up the kitchen. I know this because it was my job to take out half a dozen carrier bags of pre-sorted rubbish to feed to the dumpster dinosaurs near my parents house in El Rincon each afternoon before going off for my daily walk.

Somehow, I can't see this kind of system ever succeeding in lazy Britain where even clearing a table in McDonalds after chowing down on a smorgasbord of junk food is all too much for some peeps.

I’m all for food waste collecting because we rarely have scraps. I don’t peel veggies except onions and in a household of hungry hippos every last little bit is recycled in our bellies. Food waste is minimal. Brown bananas turned into delicious ‘nana’ bread, skins can be chopped into small pieces soaked in water to create liquid fertiliser which plants love. Stale bread saved for the birds.

However, it’s all well and good getting the population at large to donate all their peelings or parings but there’s little tangible benefit to us other than that warm fuzzy feeling that comes with doing something that in theory is going to ‘save our planet’.

Chichester District Council have been given around £1.7 million quid to spaff on a food recycling scheme at the Government’s behest. I consulted their website to find out what’s going to happen to anything I pop into my spangly new bin. Here’s what it said is going to happen to my food scraps:

Food waste that’s collected will go to an anaerobic digestion plant in Horsham. That’s nice, a scenic trip through beautiful South Downs countryside. Everyone loves a day out in the country including food waste. Benefits of recycling instantly wiped out by the carbon footprint of transport emissions.

Once in Horsham, leftovers will undergo a miraculous transformation into one of two things – fertiliser to help farmers grow crops or energy to power the plant. Do these processes create emissions? Not a mention on the website of impact to the planet of this conversion process.  Methane?  Phew!

The Council then went on to say that if there’s any extra energy, it will be sent to the national grid to power homes and business.

Sounds great. So, what’s in it for me? I grow veggies in my back garden. Perhaps if I rocked up in Horsham with a wheelbarrow some of that fabulous fertiliser could be given back to the community for free. And what about all that lovely leccy going back to the grid? Any chance of some kind of recycling discount on my energy bill for contributing to the nation’s power supply? Don't be daft.

I suppose the Council will sell both the fertiliser and extra energy, pocketing the proceeds yet keeping our council tax bills at the now extortionate band D rate of £2,400 per annum.

In addition to there being zero tangible financial benefit to compensate contributors of free food waste, it appears I have to buy my own compostable bin liners for the small kitchen caddy. The cheek of it! 

When I lived in Bournemouth, the local council provided replacement rolls of liners FREE OF CHARGE. So, not only am I paying for this service out of increased council tax charges but it’s also going to cost me to keep the bin from getting skanky.

Are you calling me a skank?

Whilst it’s not compulsory to actually use the bins, I can see this being dismissed as an additional faff by the average household who certainly aren’t going to be too happy at shelling out continually for bin liners. I mean, who’s going to remember to add these to the weekly shopping list? It’s bad enough having to buy compostable poo bags for cat turds.

My name's not Mr Jinx

Saving the planet with one hand, killing it by filling the atmosphere with emissions and landscapes with non-biodegradable plastic bins. That’s the ridiculousness of green policies for you!

NANASAURUS

Now that I don’t have work to worry about, I’ve volunteered to look after my darling grandson for a week during the school holiday break.

The little munchkin is now a ‘3-nager’ as my daughter puts it. You guessed – defiant, loud, stroppy, bossy and with an appetite to rival that of a giant panda so I’ve already come up with a cunning plan to make sure the little monster is properly worn out at the end of each day.

This miniature dynamo switches from boy to dinosaur, notably T-Rex, when you least expect it. I’ve been warned not to be shocked by loud roaring, stomping or attempts to ‘eat me’ as that’s what apex prehistoric predators do even to their grandparents.

I may be long in the tooth but I can still do Jurassic. Nanasaurus has bought herself a few silicone moulds in the shape of dinosaurs to make some yummy treats for visiting toddlers.

First stop – Lakeland. Silicone mould featuring 12 mini dino-sized creatures costing £2.99. Perfect for making mini chocolate monsters.

Lakeland silicone dinosaur mould

Here’s how to rustle up the perfect Jurassic treat for your little darlings:

Place your silicone mould on a metal baking tray.

Prepare everything before melting the chocolate

Melt around 150g of chocolate in a bowl over a pan of boiling water (or microwave in short bursts). I’ve not used any expensive fancy cooking chocolate, just a couple of bars of the cheapest supermarket stuff I could find for this experiment.

Take care not to let water get into your chocolate mix

Leave liquid chocolate to cool slightly then fill your mould either using a teaspoon or by using a plastic piping bag with the tip cut off. I found the piping bag method less messy than a spoon plus it enabled me to get right into those tiny silicone nooks and crannies.

Tala plastic piping bags.

Give the chocolate filled mould a few taps to disperse any air bubbles and level off the filling.

Fill then tap mould to disperse air bubbles

Put tray and mould in the fridge for a couple of hours to allow the chocolate to set.

Once fully set, carefully push the little dinosaurs out of their silicone settings. Don’t over handle the figures as I found these melted in your fingers quite quickly.

Pop into a plastic container to store in the fridge until needed.

Just look at how cute these little dinos are! Almost too good to eat.

These look roarsome!

Planning to have a go at making a few with white chocolate just to see how they compare to these dark choco ones.

To make our Jurassic treat even more fun, I'm going to hold our very own archaeological dig by hiding some mini chocolate or cookie dinosaurs in a small box/tray covered over with soil (grated chocolate). Won't it be great to watch your little one uncovering these tasty fossils with a small brush like a real paleontologist.  Steven Spielberg eat your heart out.

Can’t wait to try this out on my grandson later this week.  

Who says grandparents can't be roarsome!