THE ELEPHANT MAN

Monday, February 11, 2013

THE ELEPHANT MAN

Well I’m not sure what’s more worrying the fact that I may have eaten a Findus lasagne or received a phone call from father claiming he’s turned into the Elephant Man. Yes, you heard it right the first time – man, sack on his head, I’m sure you’re getting the picture.

It seems that the Ancient Mariner has been overcome by a seriously sounding pestilence which has made him look like Mr Potato Head with a bad case of sunburn. That or he got his black eye in a punch up down at the Spanish Post Office on pension day. I’m sure I can count on mother to nag him into well-being again and look on the positive side, at least he’ll be recovering in a completely bacteria free environment with her around!

Whilst father’s convalescing in the warm Malaga sun and Dobbins-gate is odds-on favourite in the English media, I’m freshening up my CV to apply for the role of Pope that is soon to become available. I think I’m in with a good chance as I went to a Catholic School and am no stranger to good works of charity, having iced hundreds of cupcakes for many a worthwhile cause. Plus I’m younger and would look pretty good in one of those stylish all-in-white numbers frequently sported by his Holiness especially now I’ve lost a few pounds.

Just imagine I’d be the first female Pope. It’s almost as impressive as the first black American President. Being Pope would be far more interesting than working in a bank and there’d be less bitching about bonuses as my reward would be in heaven. Maybe, his Holiness has won the euro-millions and given up work to go on a world cruise with a couple of page 3 girls. Who knows? Seriously though, he deserves to retire. Come on, who else other than the Queen is still working at the age of 85? I know I won’t be.

No point sitting around waiting to see if I meet the selection criteria for supreme Pontiff, got to batten down the hatches for the next round of the white stuff that's headed this way. Can't see any gardening being done for a few more weeks yet but I'm getting together a list of Dorset plant fairs that may be worth visiting once winter's over.