57 VARIETIES OF NONSENSE

Happily typing away at work this morning I heard the funniest thing on the radio namely that Heinz are thinking of re-branding salad cream as sandwich cream.  A collective groan ricocheted round the office following by a mass rolling of eyes.  Whatever next? 

Re-branding items according to customer usage means we’ll soon be rushing off to the shops to buy bum wipe paper (loo rolls) or lady-tache bleach (facial hair lightener) as surely this is the proper way to describe these products.  No?  Well I for one can’t wait to see how they re-package ‘stiffy promoters’ (Viagra).

Sandwich cream sounds like the kind of thing that should be applied routinely in a bid to keep butties from looking old and wrinkly.  Heinz – my advice is if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it.  Who the hell cares if salad cream doesn’t end up on a salad anyway? 

It’s T minus 2 for tiling lift off on Saturday.  Our handiwork’s been given the official thumbs up.  It’s green for go!  The tiler didn’t even bat an eyelid when I mentioned the couple of little additions I’d slyly slipped into the project brief.

Ready, steady, tile!

First surprise - ceramic bath trim to replace the existing varnished wooden bead.  Let’s face it, in a splishy, splashy bathing environment seepage is always going to be an issue.  The last thing anyone wants is water filtering behind tiles and leaking through a ceiling so getting a nice, watertight seal around your tub is paramount. 

For a neat finish around a bath

According to Google, there’s a million and one ways to seal a bathtub ranging from a traditional silicon sealant to plastic sealing strips but I’ve gone with a more vintage look.  Johnson Tiles bath trim, a set of finger like ceramic strips that sit neatly round the edge of the bath.  According to the box, a stylish and elegant answer to unsightly gaps and awkward finishes between the bath and wall.  Couldn’t have put it better myself.  (£17 a box from Tile Giant)

Mind the gap

Cutting bevelled mini metro tiles horizontally is a bitch so second surprise is a set of polished chrome mosaic tiles to create a spangly splashback under the bathroom window.  This is bound to be far easier than trying to cut slivers of tile to fit such a narrow gap.  I know I wouldn’t want to.  (£17 for a 30 x 30 cm mosaic tile from Tile Giant)

Beautiful shiny polished chrome mosaic tiles

 

Mosaic tile splash back for gap under the window

Curiosity killed the cat so I’m just going to have to keep myself gainfully employed as the ‘human kitty bed’ on Saturday so that I don’t peer in on the job every 5 minutes until it's finished.   

This new cat bed's a bit lumpy...