GIDDY

It’s week 3 of my pre-surgery ‘Slimfart’ diet.  The cats are starting to look mouth-wateringly appetising.  I’m as high as a kite due to reduced calorie intake and so full of wind that the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra has invited me to perform a trumpet solo as part of their winter concert season.  Dieters on Slimfast should be made to wear a T-shirt in public warning of dangerous toxic emissions.  What a pong! 

Do not use in unventilated areas

So here I am, pioneering a new type of health regime that largely involves hi-impact painting and farting.  A few hours of repetitive paint rollering is perfect for toning up those flabby bingo wings.  It helps to put on a few catchy tunes so you can paint (or fart) to the beat.  Up the ladder, down the ladder.   Up the ladder, down the ladder.  Think retro step aerobics class without the clingy leotard.  I would wear my 80’s knitted legwarmers to really get into the spirit of this new healthy form of exercise but it’s far too hot for that.

First coat on the wallpapered wall

Before painting

After 2 coats of matt emulsion

The bedroom is now looking a lovely shade of eggy yellow, a colour aptly named by Dulux as a ‘Sunny Day' from its day at the beach range.  Dulux have obviously never spent the day at Bournemouth Beach or they might have had to call this paint ‘Litter Strewn Fag Butt Infested Apocalypse’ instead as this is what our beach usually looks like after a hot sunny day.  It’s a shade lighter than the previous golden yellow we had on the walls but contrasts nicely with the white ceiling, giving the room a warm, cheery glow.

Sunny Day matt emulsion by Dulux

After a sunny day on Bournemouth Beach

Next up is undercoating the woodwork, a task to make you feel as giddy as Boris Johnson after the ‘Remoaners’ have given him a good run-around.  In this heat, painting is not recommended unless you are doing it early in the morning or in the evening when ambient temperatures are cooler.  Hot weather affects paint as it tends to spread too thickly and dry quicker making it tricky to blend in individually painted sections often resulting in unsightly ridges.  Nobody likes unsightly ridges in their woodwork, especially me!

Jade green woodwork - so yesterday

Unsightly paint ridges - no, no, no

So if you’re thinking of picking up a paintbrush during this summer heatwave, my advice is best to go down to the litter strewn beach then come back for a spot of undercoating later.