POTATOES

The other night I dreamt of Jeremy Clarkson.  Not in some perverted (phwoar! Get your kit off)  kind of way though I have to admit there’d be a certain allure about him after 10 pints of Rekorderlig and a large dose of ketamine but nope, this dream was strangely about potatoes.

“Jezza” I said as we strolled side by side along a leafy country lane near Crow-On-The-Bog Water, a fictitious town I’ve invented somewhere in the Cotswolds close to JC’s agricultural pile, “you’re a big fool, mate.  Fancy letting 38 tons of perfectly good spuds go to waste.”

“You could have used all those tatties to brew moonshine or employed a Tefal-headed nerd to invent LPF (liquid potato fuel).  Extinction Rebellion would have undoubtedly hailed you as the second Messiah and kissed your feet (ugh!) a million times over".  

Using my surplus crop to brew up some jam

Blackcurrant jam too sticky for fuel

"Or better still, you could have turned the spud mountain into a new brand of smoky diesel flavoured artisan crisps, perfect for that trackside snack and scoffed by petrol heads across the globe.  Walkers would have snapped up the recipe faster than a stegosaurus on a skateboard.  Think of the money that could have been made - such a wasted opportunity (head shake)”. 

And so the dream ended with me skipping off into the barley leaving a very confused Clarkson scratching his head and wondering what all that was about.  It’s amazing what gets lodged in the subconscious.

Back in world of reality, the next small tentative step in the process of property selling has been taken.  Our house has been photographed from top to bottom and a man in a mask turned up on the doorstep today to carry out an ‘EPC’ (energy performance certificate) inspection.  It appears every property for sale must have one of these certificates in the same way as most women at some point in their lives will have had to have had a red pair of stiletto shoes.  

Now that all our particulars have been taken, we just sit back and wait to be sent an electronic advert to approve then bam!  Show time!