LEAPING ELECTION YEAR

2024 is a leap year but it’s also an election year so get ready for an endless barrage of political posturing, mud-slinging and parliamentary arm wrestling coming at you from all sides.  Jeez!

 

Hurrah!  An extra day

Politicians are like jilted boyfriends - it’s only when you’ve given them their marching orders that they make all those empty promises to change which they have no intention of keeping.  Let’s face it whoever gets into power can’t make the UK even worse than it’s become as once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere else to go except maybe up but even those little blue miracle pills couldn’t get this limp dick of a nation up again.  

Last night I watched ‘The Iron Lady’ biopic movie so I could hurl some invective at the telly as a means of de-stressing from a busy Monday.  Forty years on, I realise I’ve never forgiven Thatcher for raising the women’s retirement age to 65 years.  If only the old hag had left well alone, me and countless other ‘old dears’ could have hung up our working boots to spend our ‘retirement’ knitting or growing petunias.  But no, Thatcher had to go meddling didn’t she?  Well, I hope the most hated ex-Prime Minister of the UK is getting a proper roasting where she’s gone to.  Ha!

 

Gone but not forgiven

Rumoured to be taking place this autumn, the general election will be the only chance for armchair revolutionaries like me to take a stand and vote for change.  So let’s see where the tick’s going to fall on the ballot paper:

Vote Tory?  Chancellor Hunt wants to offer us tax cuts – what like the last one?  Knocking 2% off national insurance has not benefited us hard-working part timers who are paid below the NI threshold.  Yeah, that ‘tax cut’ was about as welcome as a pre-sucked gobstopper.  Scrapping inheritance tax?  According to Money Saving Expert only a small percent of estates actually pay inheritance tax so this ‘tax cut’ would be next to useless unless you’re the Duke of Richmond.  Hunt wants to discourage the ‘culture of early retirement’ according to this weekend’s Times newspaper but hey, wasn’t it your Tory crony George Osborne that actually kicked that off when he generously gave us all the freedom to access our private pensions at the age of 55?  Conveniently forgotten that…

 

Chris Riddell on the Tory response to the energy price cap

Vote Labour?  Well, I would if I knew exactly what they stood for.  At least Sir Keir has had the foresight to drop that lunatic pledge to invest £28 billion in green stuff which in the long term is going to be about as beneficial as a custard pie in the face because the rest of the world will continue to use fossil fuels whilst laughing their socks off at the UK.  Just look at the Tata Steel fiasco – I bet they’re rubbing their hands all the way to the bank having fleeced us of a ton of government cash to set up a green arc furnace that will produce the wrong type of steel in the most expensive way ever.  Remember though that was a TORY gaffe not Labour. 

Sir Keir – you know what you’ve got to do.  Plug the non-dom loophole once and for all, use energy windfall taxes to bring down our bills and put all those migrants to work whilst they’re waiting for their Rwanda flight.

 

Future tax payer vote

Vote Liberal?  The world would have to freeze over first but since climate scientists at Utrecht University have predicted that the English Channel could freeze up completely if glaciers continue to melt then there’s always a remote possibility they could get into power.  Imagine that?  Controlling migration might be a bugger – stop the boats!  What with a snow plough?  Anyway, everyone knows there’s only one thing to do with bleeding heart Liberals and that’s shoot them!!!  Liberal attitudes in general are one of many reasons why this country has largely gone to the dogs (XL ones).  Should never have abolished the cane!

 

Shoot the Liberals!

Vote MRLP?  That's Monster Raving Loony Party to you.  I had to laugh at the policies proposed by their candidate Ravin Rodent Subortna standing in the next Rochdale By-Election:

MRLP - straight from the horses mouth

Introducing a 99p coin to save on change, fairground carousels to be put on all roundabouts to tell cars where to go to prevent road rage and making sure hedgehog homes are included in all new building housing developments to eradicate homelessness for hedgehogs.  

Genius!

These policies may sound daft but there's probably more likelihood of them having a beneficial impact than all that other toxic guff farted out from the political arses currently in power.  MRLP - they've got my vote!