GREAT B*SHIT INSULATION SCHEME

Where's the nuts?

Well, Freddo, what’s next? I don’t see any signs of squirrel nesting boxes being built, do you?

Someone's making use of the paddling pool

No Tufty. No sign of the outdoor amphibian jacuzzi either. Having to make do with this cheap plastic thingy. Gotta wonder what these humans get up to with their spare time…

Wonder no more my four-legged friends, there’s always stuff to do round the house like getting quotes to have the loft insulated so that we don’t have to freeze our arses off yet again this winter.

My spidey senses are predicting snow and cold on the back of this year’s pathetic lack of summer time. To prepare for an imminent Ice Age, I’ve laid down the equivalent of an Amazonian rainforest in the wood stores, got enough kindling to set fire to the Houses of Parliament and more firelighters in the understairs cupboard than is probably recommended under Health & Safety. Thermals/fleeces and woolly underpants freshly laundered in readiness. Bring on the cold!!

But this post is not about cold weather. It’s about insulation and the merits of schemes claiming to help you get it for free.

Now back in the days when the Tories were in power, Dishi Rishi and his cohorts launched an energy saving scheme called The Great British Insulation Scheme designed to support people like us retrofit insulation to draughty, energy inefficient homes as part of the push to net zero.

Sorry madam but your loft insulation is not up to scratch

You’d think such a scheme would be introduced with a fanfare of trumpets, shouted from the rooftops or blazoned across TV screens more times than adverts for fried chicken or online gambling. Yet it was not. It was left to energy suppliers to promote to its customers but largely it was down to informed punters not playing bingo or wolfing down chicken, to request information on how to potentially get support in this area.

To qualify for GBIS, you either had to be on benefits or be the owner of a property that fell into Council Tax bands A to D or that had an EPC (Energy Performance Certificate) of D or worse. Hurrah! For once, we actually qualify for FREE state support on something!

In a fit of enthusiasm, I hastily cobbled together an email to my energy supplier (please sir, can I have some more insulation?) who agreed to pass on my details to their GBIS partner for a chat.

In response to my application, the least I expected was a phone call followed by an actual site survey but what I received was a request for numerous copies of documentation to confirm my eligibility under the scheme because as everyone knows, if there’s any FREE state sponsored support going there’ll be a queue of fraudsters a mile long itching to get their grubby mitts on it.

Satisfied that I met the necessary qualifying criteria, the application progressed onto stage II – the phone call with the GBIS assessor. Another ten rounds with Torquemada. No actual site survey being conducted because the GBIS company partnering with my energy supplier was based in Doncaster, about 240 miles from Chichester so it was left to me to paint a picture in a thousand words of the loft.

After much umming and aahhing from Doncaster, a verdict. I waited with bated breath - fingers, toes and everything else crossed in the hope that the man from Del-Monte would say ‘yes’. Well, he did but here’s the rub. My GBIS grant would cover me for loft insulation but I’d have to pay £1,500 for the privilege.

The conversation continued along these lines:

- I’m sorry it must be a dodgy mobile signal but did you say that I’d have to pay £1,500 even though I am eligible under the GBIS scheme?

Yes.

- Right. So just to be clear, I’m not getting any FREE insulation.

Correct.

- But I am eligible under the scheme?

Yes.

- But I’m still expected to pay?

Yes. There’s no such thing as FREE insulation. Customers pay for part of the job and the Government pays for the other part. Your part comes to £1,500.

- OK so if I’m paying £1,500 then how much is the Government paying?

(Silence)

- Well thanks for your time. I’ll let you know if we decide to proceed with our ‘quote’.


And so the conversation ended with me scratching my head wondering why a scheme providing grants for insulation was not exactly ‘FREE’ since no-one had actually mentioned in the small print that customers would be expected to contribute quite a chunk towards costs.

For the past few days, I’ve had an almost endless parade of loft insulation companies that have come to actually survey the loft in person with a view to quoting to top up the existing insulation from 100 mm to 270 mm (current building regs standard) then re-boarding. The most expensive quote so far is £2,132, the cheapest £1,415.

Which brings me back to GBIS. It’s actually far CHEAPER for me to get this work done privately than under this bullshit Government scheme about which none of the local suppliers had a good word to say. Funny that!

If you’ve managed to actually get any insulation completely paid for by the Government then great. Hats off to you.  I don’t know what you had to do to get it but for anyone else out there thinking of looking into the Great British Insulation Scheme then be prepared for that sharp intake of breath when you get your ‘quote’ under the scheme!