IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND

New year, new NHS rant and for my first post, I’d like to focus on how the health service cleverly re-labels everything so that like Derren Brown, a fantastical sense of illusion occurs tricking your mind into thinking there’s nothing really wrong with you.

Great record!

Creating this illusion involves clever hocus pocus so as to make your conditions seem better or more positive than they actually are.

If I were to say ‘chronic’ pain, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? I’m assuming you’d think of some agonising, fate worse than death scenario. The Oxford Dictionary offers us two definitions of the word ‘chronic’. The first when associated with illness means persisting for a long time or constantly recurring. The second more informal meaning is that whatever it is referring to is of a very poor quality ie bad.

The NHS has decided to re-badge chronic pain as ‘persistent’ pain. The word ‘persistent’ is in reality no different in meaning to the word ‘chronic’ but there is a subtle difference and they’re hoping this simple change of word may affect the way you perceive your pain.

The Oxford Dictionary definition of the word persistent is something that continues firmly or obstinately or continues to exist/occur over a prolonged period. A ‘persistent’ pain is one you may have had for a long time but doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad or acute pain (chronic).

Downgrading pain from ‘chronic’ to ‘persistent’ is a way of deluding patients into thinking there is not a lot that can be done to remedy their situation as this is often the case when dealing with a prolonged problem that you’ve become accustomed to living with.

Pain is all in your mind says the new school of NHS magicians. Of course it is. Most of us long term pain sufferers are just in it for the tea, sympathy and the odd biscuit that may come with that. NOT!!! Jedi mind trickery may be your recommendation as opposed to good old fashion medical/surgical interventions but it’s only a short-term fix and doesn’t effectively tackle many underlying conditions.

Milk, no sugar and a bit of sympathy

Essentially the new way forward is to get patients to learn how to lump it. Cheaper for the NHS if we can all live in harmony with our pain rather than fixating on how our health problems can be fixed for good.

Let’s put this into context with a couple of DIY analogies. In our first scenario, a clumsy carpenter accidentally clobbers their thumb with a large hammer. It hurts like hell and after a few hours, that thumb looks like an aubergine. Several expletives, a dollop of arnica cream and a cuppa later, they tell themselves it’s only minor and pain messages sent by the brain quieten down. Physical pain yes but not long lasting.

Fast forward to second scenario where same clumsy carpenter has now hammered a 6 inch nail into their index finger. Hurts like f**k, blood everywhere and carpenter’s pain-o-meter is off the scale. No amount of meditation or paracetamol is going to help here. What they need is for the nail to be removed,  stitches, hard-core pain relief and a few days off work. Physical pain is likely to persist until the underlying cause ie nail removal is actioned and no personal pep talk is likely to change that.

Continuing with the DIY analogies, let’s look at my own chronic pain problem. I have a herniated disc affecting 4 vertebrae in my neck which I’ve lived with for the past 20 or so years. My condition is being constantly reclassified by the NHS – it’s been called everything from cervical stenosis, spinal stenosis, degenerative disc disease to spondylosis. It’s truly a job to know what I’m suffering from these days because every time I see a new specialist, they call it something else leaving me even more confused.

Basically, the cushioning between these 4 vertebrae is disintegrating, leaving bone to grind on bone and giving rise to inflammation. To compensate, my body has produced bony growths (osteophytes) sort of cementing the spine together, causing nerve root compression and all manner of other peripheral issues affecting my arms and legs. Pain is my constant companion. Painkillers are my best friends. Let’s just say this situation isn’t going to get better any time soon and is likely to worsen with age.

Now if I was dealing with these mechanical issues from a DIY perspective then by now I would have chiselled off the bony growths, removed the crumbling cushioning and replaced this with some kind of flexible foam or filler to support each vertebra independently. I probably would have thrown in some lagging to prevent everything falling out of place afterwards until the filler had set.

I appreciate a spinal column is not something you can tinker with in quite the same cavalier fashion but surely chronic pain caused by bone related mechanical issues could be dealt with in a similar way?

It appears not. For the past 3 years, the NHS have sent me from pillar to post. I’ve had every type of scan known to mankind, met a myriad of medicos and tried a plethora of complimentary therapies (acupuncture, aromatic or sports massages, chiropractic manipulation, hot stones, cold sprays, therapy guns, counselling, etc, etc) but to no avail because clearly it’s all in my mind so what the NHS should have offered me is either a lobotomy or a course of electro-shock therapy. I’m surprised no-one suggested cold baths, hypnotism or a psychiatrist but maybe this will be on the cards when I visit the next specialist.

It truly beggars belief the lengths this health service will go to in order to save money and NOT provide any kind of actual treatment for patients. By the time my condition gets to its event horizon, I shall doubtless be too old to survive any kind of general anaesthetic or I’ll be in a wheelchair and it will be too late to do anything about it – mind or otherwise.

NOT PROPER WORK

Yesterday was ‘Blue Monday’ the name given to the most depressing day of the year but clearly it was also low news day as media’s most entertaining article featured a comment by some posho named Lord Rose who stated that working from home was not deemed ‘proper’ work. Hilarious!

For the benefit of us WFH wasters, pray tell Lord Rose what do you consider to be ‘proper’ work? Wiping geriatric bottoms? Wasting precious minutes sitting in pointless meetings listening to your boss prattle on about how there’s too much dust in the stationery cupboard? Scraping bird shit off park benches?

Or maybe you consider ‘proper’ work to be lording around in a silk smoking jacket, quaffing champagne in your 36-bedroom mansion whilst you dream of applying thumbscrews to your employees in ways that would make the Spanish Inquisition wince. Perhaps that would explain why all those Asda Aces always looked like they’d swallowed a hacksaw blade every time they had a spillage to deal with in Aisle 6.

‘Proper’ work can be done anywhere and everywhere there’s a desire to perform. You may well be employing me but I am working for you and that’s the difference. Should you not be providing the right kind of conditions that empower me to want to perform then all you’ll be doing is just that - employing me.

I’m guessing ‘proper’ work was the motivation behind the introduction of self-service checkouts in supermarkets as staff clearly could not be trusted to turn up for a stint on the tills or be relied upon to correctly scan items on the conveyor belt.

Now I would class ‘proper’ work as not bringing in even more automation or AI technologies to further eliminate job opportunities for those working from home or anyone working in industries in which people would love to engage in proper work but who have been replaced by robots.

‘Proper’ work is not sitting back generating wealth from stock market portfolios whilst everyone else is sat on a gridlocked motorway, jostled on an overcrowded train or stressing over lack of parking spaces on the way into the workplace leaving you feeling frazzled before you’ve had a chance to log on.

In case you hadn’t noticed, working life no longer revolves around the 9 to 5. Employees are now expected to provide services outside this timeframe and often 7 days per week so exactly when would they squeeze in their other life commitments such as taking kids to school, looking after Grandma or walking the dog?

Working from home whilst not for everyone, should not be completely ruled out for some.

Presenteeism is not ‘proper’ work. An effective manager is one who can get the best out of staff to achieve all targets regardless of where they are. And in the same way that workers have had to adapt to new or different patterns of working, managers need to change their management style to accommodate the new normal. Whilst ‘happiness’ cannot be quantified in a monetary sense on a balance sheet, there is a lot to be said for the old mantra that a happy worker is a more productive worker.

ECONOMIC GROWTH

Thanks Rachel, your increase of employer national insurance contributions has resulted in a big fat ZERO pay rise at work.

As expected, my employer pulled the ‘poverty’ card from up their sleeve trumping my ‘cost of living crisis’ hand in a flourish of self-righteousness, claiming this was all for the greater good of humanity since it meant no-one would have to lose their jobs.

That’s all well and good, we all need jobs but what exactly am I supposed to tell the council and all my other bill providers when their inflationary increases are applied to household bills in April? I don’t think an email copy of my boss’s lack of pay award justifications is somehow going to cut the mustard.

How many other private sector workers are also facing this same scenario? Clearly not something the public sector are having to worry about as since Starmageddon, they’ve all been awarded something or other with some sectors being given more than their fair share of the Treasury budget. It’s at times like these I wish I’d qualified as a Train Driver and not squandered my further education learning stupid secretarial skills or office administration but hey, someone has to do all the typing, right?

Growth, particularly in my pay packet, is not likely any time soon which means even less probability of switching on the central heating or buying any more thermals. Don’t be fooled by media headlines claiming that wage rises have outstripped inflation – complete and utter myth unless you’re working for the BBC or you're Sue Gray.

Whilst Chancellor Nero fiddles in China as Roman Britain burns, the rich have fled to warmer tax-free climes, those with the broadest shoulders (and tractors) bleat on about inheritance taxes and everyone who can will use this opportunity to trouser what rightly should have been paid out to staff. It is always the little people who once again are left to pick up the economical pieces.

I've written this really hot new tune

The only growth this nation is likely to see in the next few months is a great mass of sticky green bogeys resulting from the wintry flu spike laying siege to already struggling hospitals.

Snot classification

I appreciate the ‘difficult decisions’ you may have to make right now Rachel but believe me, there’ll be no difficult decisions for the population at large at the next general election because at this rate we’ll all be voting Reform or for those bleeding Tories.

FLEECED

Baby it’s cold outside. And inside too. Is that dragon breath I spotted whilst waiting for the kettle to boil? Life with no central heating on is not for the faint hearted even though our energy embargo is mostly self-imposed and not a necessity because we need to scrimp in order to continue to fund our house renovations.

What kitty's really want in the January sales

Scrimp? But you’ve just spent the week’s shopping budget in the Mountain Warehouse January sale moans the other half, stealthily pushing the boxful of Ted Baker body sprays he bought half price in Boots under the coffee table. It’s no wonder we can’t afford heating.

Bah! Sometimes you’ve got to speculate to accumulate. When you’re cold what’s the best way to keep warm? Well, other than raid the cocktail cabinet for a few nips of Southern Comfort or pee in a wetsuit, you buy thermals!

My extravagant splurge at MW included a pair of extra warmth thermal tops to wear in our equally cold workplace environment and this little beauty:

Mountain Warehouse - what a bargain!

It’s called a Snug Women’s Borg Lined Hooded Blanket - basically an oversized sweater made of thick fleecy material that’s lined with what is called ‘teddy borg’ ie fake sheepskin.

On a short arse like me, this sweater falls well past my knees. Sleeve cuffs mean you can even wear the thing whilst knitting as there are no long, flappy sleeves to get tangled in your needles. It’s comfy and toasty to loaf around in, especially nice to throw on as you get out of bed on a frosty morning.

Being a ‘one size fits all’ type of garment, the other half and I could easily squeeze into the thing and there’d still be space left for the cat as it’s quite a roomy garment. No danger of fat shaming, this oversized jumper is almost as large as the Government’s financial black hole but warmer and unlikely to cling to any wobbly bits.

I'm happy here 

At £20 it’s definitely cheaper than central heating, not likely to contribute to global warming or bankrupt us. So, if you’re a chilly willy and want to bag a sale bargain, head over to the Mountain Warehouse website before I order the rest of their stock.

RESOLUTE TILL THE END

January can be a depressingly long month.  You’re cold, skint and since Christmas have beaten yourself silly over all those promises made a year ago you never kept.  It’s hard to keep a positive spin when all the wintry cards are stacked against you so I thought I’d take a few minutes to revisit my 2024 resolutions. 

Looks like I made not one but three resolutions.  Question is, how many of these did I actually achieve?  Well let’s see: 

1)  Getting lounge plastered – Big tick here.  

Lounge not only plastered but painted and furnished with a home-made office, library bookcase and TV unit.  Pat on the back, job’s a good ‘un.

2)  Fit carpets to upstairs bedrooms – Big fat cross.  

No sign of any floor coverings only cat hair and dust bunnies but my thinking is if you let these build up in sufficient quantities you may not need carpets. 

3)  Build a home office unit – Yay!  Another tick!  On a roll now… 

Could I be cheeky and sneak in a few more ticks by including the loft insulation or new fence? Oh well, it was worth a try.

Two ticks. Not bad but don’t get all smug about it as there’s a million more things to do this year so as the best things are said to come in threes then here’s my 3 resolutions for 2025:

1) Carpets – there’s got to be a January flooring sale somewhere…

2) Downstairs Loo – to create a poopy palace fit for a king

3) Insulation – to add further insulation to loft and crawl spaces

Coupled with numerous rants on my favourite topics – the Government, NHS, energy, wokiness, pensions, taxes, etc etc there’s bound to be enough stuff on my New Year’s Honours list to keep this blog going for another 12 months at least.

NEW YEAR, NEW PANTS

Today’s my birthday.  This most special of all days, is a sacred day of no work (booked off 365 days in advance every year) dedicated to me and also to my most wonderful grandson who happens to share the same birthday making it doubly special.

 

Another year older

As 2025 is the Chinese Year of the Snake then I’ve made us an epic birthday cake featuring a ferocious sea snake rising majestically from cakey depths.  You can almost feel the iced sea spray on your cheeks as the scaly beast from 20,000 leagues slithers past on a fondant wave.  It’s awesome! 

Year of the Sea Snake

The perfect representation for the birthday duo – an old dragon and a little monster.  Take your pick. 

But back to more mundane matters, a pant pilgrimage to that familiar retailer of bottom coverings.  You guessed – M&S.  2025 is the Year of New Knickers so what better way to celebrate a birthday than with a nice sunny stroll into town for a spot of keck shopping.  

Now I know I’m old and spend a lot of time starting sentences with the phrase ‘When I was young, I remember a time when’ we had tellies from Radio Rentals, wore tartan Bay City Roller trousers and could buy 8 Black Jacks for a penny.  Whoops!  Call the Woke Police – she used the word BLACK.  I guess these days you’d have to refer to these as dark chewy sweets but nevertheless, you could stuff yourself silly with tuppence.  The point being that modern pants are not as I remembered from my ‘youf’.

How many could you get for a penny?

 

Cotton undies aren’t what they used to be.  For starters, the fabric is so thin you could strain your greens through it and secondly, they’re not 100% cotton but a dolly mixture of synthetics most likely to cause cancer of the butt cheeks in decades to come.  There is a myriad of styles to tickle your fancy - anything from the cheeky lap-dancer variety to the more resilient sumo wrestler nappy. 

Sexy little number

 

These days it’s substance over style.  I’m looking for something that will hold a wobbly bottom, not produce camel toe chafing or disintegrate after 3 low temperature washes.  Hopefully these will do the trick.

Ticks all the bum boxes

 

Now I’ve mentioned the word ‘washing’ then there’s the eco consideration too hence the purchase of BLACK pants or should these be re-named dark coloured under-crackers?  As we only use our washing machine for one load every week to save energy, water, pandas or anything else that needs saving then the official decree from Big Brother states that all underwear (if worn) must be washable in a colour cycle as WHITES will not get special privileges. 

On an ethical note, I see that these knickers were knocked up in Bangladesh so I do hope the £8 per pack kept a family of 16 in fruitful employment.  

As its my birthday then I’ll also be testing the aeronautics of my new kecks later on as I swing them round in the air like I just don’t care or should it be ‘pants on heads’ – remember that one kids? 

Happy new year everyone!