UNDERPANTS TAX

The minute she walked in the joint. Pah Pah!

I could see she was a gal of distinction, a real big spender.

Tax raising? No not mine.

She hasn’t got a clue what’s going on in our minds.

So let us get off to Dubai. Pah Pah!

I don’t pop my purse for every migrant in the sea.

Hey big spender,

Spend a little less on these.

Duh, duh, dee dum dah dah!!



I see the date for this year’s budget has finally been confirmed as the 26 November 2025, just a month before Christmas. Oh joy. Time to batten down the purse hatches for the next few months in case of any nasty surprises.

Desperate to raise revenue to plug an ever-increasing black hole (around 50 billion at the last guess), a black hole of such enormity that even Professor Brian Cox fell off his chair, the tabloid rumour mill has been working overtime spreading wild speculation as to where the tax axe will fall. Possible targets include pensions relief, ISA limits, inheritances and property taxes to name but a few.

All of these are fair game but I can foresee that increasing the tax take on any of these areas is likely to drive the nails further into the UK coffin to the extent they’ll be poking out the other side before long.

Reducing pension tax relief will discourage people from saving into pensions. Reducing ISA limits will discourage people from saving for their retirement. Tinkering with inheritance tax rules, gifts and limits will reduce wealth from being passed down to younger generations because us oldies will just blow all our savings on haircuts and holidays.

Property taxes – now there’s a can of worms you don’t want to open. Just ask Three Homes Rayner what happens when you try to get round things like paying stamp duty.

A Dr Tim Leunig has written a report suggesting that the Government might consider scrapping the current system of Stamp Duty and instead consider replacing this with a National Property Tax levied on a home’s value between £500,000 and £1 million.

Yeah, Tim great idea except did you stop to consider typical human behaviour if such a thing came about? Well, I can hazard a guess as to what might happen to the housing market if this did go ahead. To get round this tax no-one would be buying any high value properties so there’d be a glut of expensive housing stock that no-one would touch with a barge pole.

In contrast, the other end of the housing market would go into meltdown as buyers scramble to snap up all smaller less expensive homes making it harder for older folks to downsize or young people to get on the housing ladder. Increased demand for smaller properties would then push up prices. Eventually we’d go back to those days when people bought homes then lived in them all their lives becoming the asset rich, cash poor pensioners frequently mentioned in the tabloids.

If Council Tax went the same way ie based on any accrued equity in the value of property rather than on an ancient rateable value this too would have repercussions. For starters no-one would be incentivised to carry out home improvements for fear of increasing the value of their house. No DIY, no trade for builder’s merchants or jobs for tradespeople. No changing boilers, fitting solar panels or heat pumps as no doubt these too add value to properties by making them more eco-attractive so causing impact to energy industry and climate change. Housing stock would all go to the dogs.

Agreed that perhaps Council Tax bands could be reviewed with a few more added to cover more expensive properties (Mansion Tax) but anything else would be over-complicating matters. Who would be working out how much value has been accrued from one year to the next? How would postcode variations in property values be accounted for? Just makes my brain hurt thinking about it.

To add to all these wild rumours, I’d like to propose a potential new area for revenue generation – an Underpants Tax. Everyone wears pants so why not tax them? The more pants you own, the higher the rate of tax levied. You could even charge more for luxury designer pants.

The Biased Broadcasting Craporation sent out roving reporters into the community to garner feedback from locals regarding this newly proposed Underpants Tax.

Posh middle-class bird, Miss Portia Ofchips from West Sussex said ‘Dahling, lingerie is so last year. I like to think of myself as an AbsTena lady, not wearing knickers thus saving myself the bother of having to fill out all those tiresome tax returns. Ciao dahling (air kiss). I’m late for pilates.’

Sir Rich Gitsorwatt from Higher Nether Regions expressed outrage at the proposed Underpants Tax. ‘Preposterous! A tax on under garments, whatever next. No-one wants their low hanging fruit clacking about unfettered like a pair of thigh castanets. Y-fronts are a fundamental human right that should not be exploited for cash.’

Looks like my suggested Underpants Tax is likely to be just as unpopular as raiding pensions, property or anything else. Best to just let Reevonomics take their natural course. Bring on the budget!