YEAR OF THE HORSE

Joyous celebrations! 2026 is the Year of the Horse, a kind of Chinese Auld Nags Syne. 

Quick, speed dial the 'chinky'. Whoops! Forgot we can’t say that anymore. Scrub that last sentence, replace with – telephone the purveyor of Oriental world cuisine. I’ll have Singapore noodles, spare ribs with a side of sweet and sour chicken balls. Don’t spare the horses though, I’m starving!!

What sort of horsey year will 2026 turn out to be, I wonder? Let’s see what’s in my fortune cookie…

I can predict the future

Will it be a Red Rum sort of year? Yay or neigh? By some peculiar quirk of fate, this load of jockeys in charge of the country might actually smash the gangs, boost growth and lower our energy bills in an unprecedented grand national triple win much like our four-legged hero did back in the 70s. Don’t bet on any winnings from this ‘acca’ any time soon says the cookie.

Red Rum - three times Grand National winner

My second cookie predicts a Shergar scenario where our once mighty ‘island of strangers’ (he said it not me) mysteriously disappears, sunk by a tidal wave of protests, pollution and poverty. No-one ever did find out what happened to this infamous nag. By the same token, no-one is ever likely to pin-point exactly where it all went wrong for Britain.

Whatever happened to Shergar?

And a third cookie (munch, munch) reveals hot-to-trot fortunes may well turn out to be a Mr Ed. Muppet Miliband wakes in the shower one morning to find that all his crazy net zero schemes were just a bad dream. As he soaps his nether regions, he wonders if the pits have re-opened, Government coffers are flowing with revenue generated from North Sea fossil fuels or Britain’s motor industry is booming thanks to increased production of petrol cars. Hang on, was that all a dream?

Trust me - I'll bring down your energy bills

Bollocks! I’ve just dropped a sauce-smeared chicken ball onto the keyboard. This is what happens when you’re lunching and blogging on the hoof.

These fortune cookies are so scrummy though, I’m just going to have to continue chomping my way through the entire box until I’ve uncovered a fortuitous prediction featuring golden unicorns or a sure-fire winner in the 3.30 at Kempton Park.

Mmmm - bloody tasty!

Happy Year of the Horse to you all!

WOOD PANELS - KINKY BIT

If ever there was a need for something kinky to take our minds off this awful wet weather, our lack of medals in the winter Olympics or the continual scraping of the political barrel in a bid to oust Hanging-on-by-an-ear Keir then this is it.

Rally the DIY troops, unexpected sunshine forecast. There’s not a moment of timber cutting time to lose!

Wood panelling efforts are now directed to the corridor’s kinky bit which we’ve saved until last.

OMG - this looks difficult

Getting kinky

This kinky corner section is made up of 3 separate wall areas, none of them equal in size so any attempts to make things look symmetrical are well and truly out of the window. You can only do your best with what you’ve got to work with.

As before, beginning at the bottom then working up each section. Start by dry fitting the bottom horizontal rail, cutting out individual pieces to accommodate electric sockets or other sticking out items.

Begin at the bottom

To get everything to flow neatly round the kinks, the other half has created a mitred edge on one end of each long horizontal piece. I hope to disguise these unsightly joins with a ton of decorator’s caulk.

Sort of mitred joints to get round the corner

Add your vertical side pieces to each of the larger sections followed by mitred top pieces to create two big squares. In a photo both squares look almost the same size but there is about a 10 cm difference in the width of each one. I guess I could have fiddled with the width of the vertical pieces to try to get round this but as I want to keep everything looking the same then I’m just going to leave it as it is.

Create each side square section first

You might have noticed that I've not added vertical pieces to the smaller middle square. On the dry fit, I did put some in but it left a ridiculously tiny area in the middle which would have made the whole panel run look odd so executive decision taken to not use additional verticals on this bit.

Finish each square with pine mouldings

Finish the middle section with a horizontal rail then add pine frame mouldings to the inside edge of each square section. Looks better than I thought it would do and aside from the mitred MDF joins, not as complicated as I anticipated.

Top with pine bead

Top all three sections with thin pine bead and dado rail then caulk every gap to within an inch of its life.

Caulk every single gap

Add dado rail

Our kinky bit finished. It’s a miracle - not a tear shed or a voice raised this time. Must be this glorious sunshine or perhaps it’s the Valentines Day effect. Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. Darling, pass me the glue gun. Yes, Honey Bun.

Kinky bit finished and ready for priming

WOOD PANELS - RAD WALL

Just how much more rain is going to fall? Having seen off not-so-dry January, it now looks like flood-alert February is going to continue to bring more of the same.

Quite frankly, I’m sick of getting soaked to the skin on the daily walk home from work and only wish that the British climate would hurry up and change for something a little more equatorial, less aquatic. At this rate, I’ll be swapping walking boots for an inflatable kayak as many roads round these parts have turned into urban reservoirs or been closed altogether.

Since gardening is temporarily off the agenda, attention has turned to the unfinished wood panelling project begun before Christmas. Yes, where was I on that one?

Ah, the long radiator wall. On the face of it, this looks fairly straight forward now the rad has been removed but now that I’ve had a closer look then perhaps not.

BEFORE - the rad wall

What I'm hoping for on this wall

For starters there’s the pipework, BT box and fibre optic broadband cable to factor in along the bottom rail. I’ve had to carefully plot the location of these on the lower pieces of MDF then cut out shaped sections to accommodate them. Do this first as you will not be able to dry fit anything until the lower sections can be neatly positioned.

Template and cut round any fixtures

Secondly, the wall is long. Over 3.5 metres long. Most timber or MDF sheets are sold in 2.4 metre lengths so to maintain the overall symmetry, the wall has been divided into two equal sections with all measurements being calculated from a central point for the longer horizontal pieces. Draw a line down the wall at this central point.

Once the shaped horizontal rails have been stuck in place at the bottom of the wall, position the first vertical panels at either end of the entire wall. I have used 5 verticals in total in the design of this section.

Using the middle line drawn down the wall, centre the third vertical panel across the line and stick in place.

Stick end and middle vertical pieces in place

Measure the available gap between the end panel and the central vertical panel. Divide in two to arrive at the mid-point then draw another line down the wall. Do the same on both sides. These pencil lines will mark the place at which the remaining two vertical panels are centred.

Voila – all vertical panels should be evenly spaced along the wall giving a nice symmetrical look to things.

Five evenly spaced vertical pieces

Finally, stick the two horizontal rails on top of the vertical panels taking care that these join together in the middle of the vertical piece.

Horizontal pieces joined across centre vertical

As before I have finished the panels with some pine moulding inserted into each square section, cut to form a neat frame with mitred corners.

Add pine mouldings to each square

Topping the entire section with a length of pine stripwood from B & Q:

Pine stripwood used to cap MDF

Then finished off with Cheshire Mouldings dado rail as it’s been almost impossible to find a rebated dado rail that would fit neatly on the top of the MDF horizontal pieces.

Dado moulding stuck on top of the stripwood

Lastly, lightly sand any bits sticking out of panel joins then use decorators caulk to fill any unsightly gaps.  Re-sand the caulked joints once dry.  Hurrah!  At last the rad wall is ready for priming.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

Much is being made in the media of Lord Mandy’s and a whole host of other people’s friendship to defunct paedophile Jeffrey Epstein but instead of using this opportunity to be judgy or scandal-monger, why don’t we ask ourselves this - what is the meaning of true friendship?

Freddie Mercury had the right idea when he sang:

Friends will be friends
When you're through with life and all hope is lost
Hold out your hand 'cause friends will be friends
Right till the end

Miss you Freddie

Real friends will hold out a hand regardless of whether that recipient is Jeffrey Epstein or someone else. You don’t drop friends just because they’ve committed some transgression or other. I mean, who among us is perfect? And who are we to judge why it is that people choose to stand by their friends even when society has labelled that person a monster.

I’m not condoning the actions of either Epstein or Lord Mandy. They’ve done what they did for reasons best known to themselves but what I’m saying is that if you value yourself as a true friend to someone then surely that means sticking by them through thick or thin and not dropping them like a hot potato because an unpleasant side to their character has come to light that you didn’t know about or because the world at large is tarring everyone beknown to that individual with the same brush.

‘To err is human, to forgive divine’ as the proverb goes. You can’t profess to know all the inner workings of your friends. We can all make errors of judgement when it comes to assessing people’s characters because there’s no tick box form out there that is used to select friends. Generally, you gravitate to those who support, love or encourage you in your endeavours. And of course, sometimes you get it wrong.

But when you do, surely you can find it in your heart to forgive if you value their friendship both past, present and as Freddie said, right to the end.

True friends of Lord Mandy are not likely to berate him for his choice of non-fashionable undies paraded across the tabloids like After Eight mints handed round the dinner table following a gut busting supper. Instead, I hope they’ll try to understand what prompted him to buy such awful baggy white under-crackers and steer him to trendier choices going forward. Selling state secrets for cash though, that probably is unforgivable even if he is a friend.

Mandy Pants

Epstein died over 5 years ago yet still we’re obsessing over him. He did what he did. He ruined a lot of lives. The continual muck-raking is still ruining a lot of lives. Why must we keep digging through his crusty old laundry basket looking for even more musty old linen to air in public?  Hasn't enough damage been already done?

I hope that given time, all victims will find peace in their hearts and the inner strength to move on with their lives.  

SPANIEL EARS

Peeling off my sodden togs after another squelchy walk home from work, I happened to notice that my pair of once pert juicy grapefruits were hanging down despondently like a couple of deflated balloons.

‘Spaniel ears’ as one of the more raucous members of our team calls them every time the topic of conversation veers round to the joys of old age or dieting.

What happens to boobs as you age

As I gaze down at these two sad puppies, it also dawns on me that the pair are not symmetrically matched either. One side is definitely larger than the other which means that my very own planetary orbit has been on a tilt since puberty. Gravity is most certainly not your bestie once you hit 50 and has definitely slung its hook after 60.

If that wasn’t bad enough, my former furry friend is now looking more and more like a mangy bedraggled badger than an under-pruned lady bush. Grey hairs it seems are not just confined to your bonce. There’s no escaping the fact that getting old is truly a physically sorry state of affairs.

Rather than splashing the cash on MDF for wood panelling maybe I should instead use the funds to implement my own levelling up agenda. A few well aimed tweaks here or there could turn these south-facing spaniel ears into a magnificent pair of sit-up-and-beg pedigree chums. If only I could find a few thousand quid stuffed down the back of the sofa.

Everything's gone south

All the chest presses in the world aren’t going to cure these bad boys any time soon so I guess its going to be a case of just making the most of the best window dressing available plus a few mechanically engineered bras to keep these spaniel ears looking as perky as possible.

WORK IS NOT THE ENEMY

And this week’s gold medal in the Tabloid Winter Olympics goes to The Times for giving me a hernia-inducing belly laugh.

The Your-Having-A-Laugh Medal

Seriously though I was almost reaching for the Tena Lady after reading an article entitled ‘Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Touch Your Pension Lump Sum in Your Fifties.’

Gold medal journalism

The last time I had such a monumentally hysterical fit of the giggles was during the cowboy fart scene in Blazing Saddles. You know the one. Still brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it today.

So, what was it about this article that tickled my fancy? It was mostly the paragraph headed up ‘Work Isn’t the Enemy’ and the advice that reframing how you perceive your job is perhaps better than taking early retirement. You’re kidding, right?

Well, as one who is on the cusps of taking early retirement then I’ll quantify why I’m not going to be reframing my perception of work any time soon with just one word – Boxer.

Have you read Animal Farm, Bec? Yes? No? If you haven’t then perhaps you’ll be interested to learn what happened to Boxer.

Boxer from Animal Farm by George Orwell

Boxer was Animal Farm’s cart-horse, strong of heart and hoof. His mantra ‘I will work harder’ is probably what lead to his eventual sticky downfall. Almost killed from years of overwork whilst building a windmill, Boxer continued to slave away on the belief that after all his hard work he’d eventually be retired and put out to pasture. Unfortunately for poor Boxer, he was betrayed by his greedy fat pig paymasters who having exploited him to the nth degree, sold him to the Knackers Yard once he was no longer able to perform.

And this Boxer principle is probably why so many of us choose to take early retirement once we can afford to because working yourself into the ground only to be betrayed by the fat pig paymasters (Government) who promise you the world in exchange for continued tax payments is not what we signed up for.

Like Boxer, my body is already physically broken with painful ailments affected by repetitive actions such as keyboarding, prolonged periods of sitting or having to deal with stressful workplace situations. It would be daft not to avail myself of the Get-Out-Of-Jail pension card as that’s my only hope of having a fighting chance of being able to enjoy my golden years before I end up being sold to the Knackers.

For me and many other ‘Boxers’ out there, it simply isn’t a case of finding a different job or re-framing our perceptions of employment but having the freedom to choose the path of our own destiny.

The article goes on to say that early retirement may not be all it’s cracked up to be. And how do you know this? Did you survey millions of people who took early retirement for feedback on whether they felt better for leaving the rat race? No, I guess not.

I didn't let pension rules dictate my life decision because I’m one of those obstinate people who rarely take notice of what others tell me I should be doing with my life. I prefer to make my own informed decisions based on a good deal of research, spreadsheets and number crunching.

Early retirement is what you make it – same as the rest of the time that’s lead up to this point. If you don’t think you can find stuff to do to take the place of employment then by all means, keep at it but I’ll tell you this – work WILL NOT set you free.

ECONOMICALLY INACTIVE

Countdown to doing nothing has officially begun. In around 2 months I will be joining the ranks of those deemed ‘economically inactive’ by the Treasury. Do I care? Not one jot! I’ve paid into the coffers for over 43 years, enough is enough.

Cash poor, time rich that’ll be me. The thought of having nothing to do after a lifetime of employment is actually quite a scary prospect. Work defines many of us. We have careers, companies, colleagues. Discussing what has or hasn’t happened in the office on any given day is our lifeblood so what happens when all of that disappears into the ether? I guess I’m about to find out.

Like a political party, I can already feel my brain splitting itself into two camps; the Yahoo-I’m-Finally-Free faction and the Not-A Moment-to-Lose faction.

The Yahoos are relishing the prospect of total unfettered freedom. The freedom to do what you want, when you want and with no-one to answer to. Captain of the good ship Idleness sailing the seas of laissez-faire. I can hibernate all winter long if I choose to. Unkempt, unwashed and unconcerned about anything other than the time of my next cuppa.

I’ll have so much time on my hands that for once I’ll be able to squander it. Guilt free! Time rich. Time can’t be taxed so I’ll be a High Time Worth Individual, a multi-minute millionaire with complete freedom to do as little as possible. No more getting up at 6.30 am to join the rat race.

On the other hand, the Not-A-Moment-to-Lose part of my brain is drawing up a To Do list of mammoth proportions because essentially, it’s following the mantra that if you stop, you die.

Like drawing up a bucket list, this is a list of all those things I always said I’d do on retirement which in my case was take up photography or oil painting. I’ve set aside a notebook to jot down all those ‘been meaning to do this’ projects so I can race into retirement with a master plan that leaves little room for boredom or the desire to return to the rank and file.

Already on the To-Do-In-Retirement List or POSER Plan are the following:

• Complete wall panelling downstairs
• Rip up old corridor carpet for replacement flooring
• Take up wild water swimming
• Consider joining the local WI group
• Dig large hole in garden for a pond
• Finish itinerary for a trip to east coast of Australia
• Do more volunteering
• Buy a sketch book and have an art attack
• Climb Snowdonia
• Gardening, gardening and more gardening
• Become a Super-Blogger
• Sign up for those free local council Heart Smart walks

And that’s just for starters because as all of us compulsive ‘A-listers’ know, once you start listing stuff it just goes on and on and on …

With all of the above to be getting on with, I really don’t see where I’d have time to fit a job into the equation so it’s just as well I won’t need to.

POUNDLAND'S DEMISE

Killer! Murderer! Assassin! Me and millions like me have dealt Poundland a fatal death blow. Et Tu Brute. I’ve as good as stuck the knife in.

These were my thoughts as I mooched round the already plundered aisles of Chichester’s soon-to-be-closed-down Poundland like a scavenging vulture looking for a carcass to pick clean. As sure as eggs is eggs, I’m one of many who have contributed to the demise of this popular retail emporium.

Bye bye Poundland - I'll miss you

How can one tiny person bring down such a commercial colossus? By being lazy, that’s how.

Modern technology has spawned a nation of indolent shoppers for whom taking a trip to town to buy toiletries, clothing or anything has become nothing more than an inconvenience. Why bother to get dressed, sit in traffic, stress over where to park the car or jostle with the great unwashed in cramped shops that don’t respect your personal space when you can just purchase whatever you like from the comfort of your laptop or smartphone? For many of us, shopping means major mental trauma.

Not only is online shopping easier or quicker but you can also use websites such as Trolley.co.uk to look for the cheapest price rather than trudge endlessly round squinting at price stickers or having your ankles smashed by trolleys/buggies driven by inconsiderate idiots who fail to grasp that two objects cannot occupy the same space unless they’re in a parallel dimension. Plus, some gumby gets to bring your purchases straight to the front door freeing up even more time for a spot of cyber-bingo or electronic celebrity undressing.

Supermarkets and other retailers are happy to encourage laziness since online deliveries/click & collect have become a multi-million pound industry.  They're making money hand-over-fist from the bone idle so they're not likely to be that bothered about the impact on the ever-dwindling high street.

Multiply one person’s laziness by millions of shoppers and you’ll understand why Britain’s High Streets are slowly disappearing, sucked dry by the commercial vampire that is internet shopping. We’re all guilty of killing off our town centres. Poundland won’t be the last chain to be garrotted by idleness.

In addition to that ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude that’s decimating our shopping precincts, shopper habits in general have probably changed in response to the current economic climate and other factors. I know mine have.

Being a self-confessed Super Scrimper, I no longer pop out for the odd trip to town, preferring instead to shop in bulk usually online. I keep a beady eye on prices then when I spot what I feel is a bargain, I buy a large quantity of that product. Take toiletries for example. Not for me the odd tube of toothpaste or can of deodorant stuck in with the weeks shopping. When I need this type of thing I get at least 6 tubes or cans or enough to tide me over for several months. In this way I can lock in that bargain price thus creating a cushion against the risk of future price increases in the market.

Same goes for laundry or cleaning products. At the start of each year, I ‘forecast’ how much detergent, washing up liquid or fabric softener I might need for the next 6-12 months then I wait for supermarket offers on these items. When the price is right, I stock up. It’s why my understairs cupboard always looks like a subsidiary of Poundland because bulk buying enables me to take advantage of economies of scale. Always keep a smaller pack/container in use which can be easily refilled from larger ones.

For those of you out there thinking ‘what a saddo’ well you may be right but I’ve always felt that if you look after the pennies, you don’t need to worry about the pounds. Must be all those years working in investment banking.

And so, this is how I’ve helped to kill Poundland and loads of other retail establishments by being a weirdo shopper who buys things online. 

Sorry to see Poundland go from Chi’s High Street. No doubt it’ll be replaced with yet another café, pizza parlour or expensive up-market chain that’s of little use to anyone other than the super-rich.

A PROSPEROUS RETIREMENT

I’ve decided to stop using the term ‘retirement’ as that sounds like the ill-awaited fate for knackered racehorses. Instead, I shall be referring to my golden years as the Period of Self Enlightenment or POSE for short seeing as everything is reduced to acronym form these days.

I plan to become a POSER before the end of the current tax year. But that’s no-where near the state retirement age I hear you gasp in amazement; how will you do it?

Indeed, how can I become a POSER without claiming a state pension? Simply by saving today so I can live for tomorrow. Not easy when I’m throwing cash around at the timber merchants like knickers at a Tom Jones concert but there are plenty of ways to build a POSER foundation without locking my purse away deep in the vaults of Fort Knox.

If I could re-wind the clock to give my younger self some good advice it would be this – if your company doesn’t offer a defined benefit (final salary) pension scheme, don’t enrol in a pension but save that money in a cash ISA instead.

Outrageous advice! Fund Managers out there are no doubt sharpening knives, lighting torches and grabbing pitchforks from their garden sheds ready to roast me on a skewer like a juicy kofta kebab over a nice hot flame. Pension Advisers would deride such foolhardy notions, citing guff about tax relief given on pension contributions by the Government but to my mind they are only keen on seducing workers into defined contribution schemes because it keeps them in jobs and extends our taxpayer lifespans.

What is a decently funded retirement anyway? Well, that depends on your perspective and aspirations. A study done at Loughborough University claims that a single person will need at least £31,300 a year for a moderate income in retirement according to a pensions industry body (who?). The least you’ll need is £14,400 per annum on which to live and the most around £43,100. What I’d like to know is what are these figures based on?

The key omission of Loughborough’s interesting reportage failed to mention whether these figures were pre-tax or after tax because the key to a prosperous retirement is knowing all about TAX, what you’ll pay, when you’ll pay it and how to ensure you pay as little as is legally possible.

Let’s take the figure mentioned above of £31,300 a year and break it down further. For my example I’m going to assume that this is pre-tax income made up of the current annual state pension of £11,973 plus a private pension of £19,327. (You’d need a massive private pension pot to generate an annual income of £19,327 per annum).

You would pay zero tax on the whole of your state pension BUT because the combined income is greater than the current personal income tax allowance of £12,570 then you would be liable for tax on £18,730 which at the basic rate of 20% means you’d have to give the Revenue £3,746 leaving a net annual income of £27,554.

Whilst the remainder of your pension pot continues to stay invested then in addition to tax on your future annual drawdowns, you’d also be paying fund management charges that would be eating into your capital. Remember too that monies invested in a pension fund are subject to the vagaries of the stock market which may go up or down depending on which way the wind is blowing and that will in turn affect the total value of your pot. In bad or volatile markets, the value of your pot may plummet thus potentially affecting how much you have available to draw down from your pension in any given year.

Now in my crazy retro scenario, I’ve gone back in time like a pirate Time Lord raided all my private pension schemes and placed the money into a cash ISA instead. OK so I may not have benefitted from potential market rises or tax relief but my invested capital has remained secure, safely weathered every conceivable political/financial crisis and steadily grown in its very own tax-free wrapper.

Supposing that I’ve managed to grow my cash ISA pot to the same value as a defined contribution pension pot then let’s revisit the above example to see if I would be better off. State pension £11,973 tax free as under the tax threshold and £18,730 drawn from the ISA also tax free so £3,746 pounds plus fund management charges better off.

What’s more I can continue to save into a cash ISA without fear of breaching any pension lifetime allowances and landing myself with a huge tax headache.

The pensions industry will try to emotionally blackmail us with crap about inflation and how money in a cash ISA is worth less over time. However, £20 is still £20 regardless of whether you get it from an ISA account or a pension fund. When I studied economics back in the 80’s, inflation measured the buying power of money NOT the rate at which prices rise, this now seems to be the popular definition used in the media. Inflation erodes the buying power of everyone’s money anyway you get it.

Clearly the University’s estimated pension figures must be skewed in favour of yuppy pensioners benefitting from generous civil service gold plated pensions since most of us will have failed to earn an annual salary of £31,300 or £43,100 in our career lifetimes. My best wage only topped £32,000 and that was after about 30 years of employment.

The key to a prosperous retirement is to manage expectations and live within your means. Don’t be seduced by mass consumerism or pension preachers. Sounds boring but not impossible. Most single POSERs could still get a lot out of the minimal amount quoted of £14,400 if they re-examined their outgoings and gave up fags, booze, subscription services, takeaways, online gambling, tattoos and expensive holidays/smartphones.

Don’t believe the hype – you can retire on a lot less than £31,300 and still have a bloody good life. After all, I’ve lived on a part-time salary much smaller than the state pension for the past 5 years and still found the cash to pay for food, festivals and McFlurries.