BUSY BANK HOLIDAY AHEAD

You got to love bank holidays.  With the usual unpredictable weather forecast and half the nation on the roads due to engineering works, this means three whole glorious days of DIY as there’s little point planning anything else.

The kitchen’s been converted into a makeshift painting studio.  If you’re thinking of applying paint or varnish outdoors on the same day then it’s probably best to have a back-up plan to cater for the fickle nature of weekend weather and bugs.  It’s so annoying finding mozzies spreadeagled across your paintwork when you’ve worked hard to keep everything looking smooth and drip free.

Just one last coat of black paint to go on

A third and final coat of black outdoor paint has been applied to the inside of the door plus a thick coat of exterior yacht varnish (gloss).  This has not only given the surface a lovely mirror shine but should ensure that it’s weatherproof for a few years.  (Process to be repeated tomorrow on the outside face)  If this doesn’t give us the best looking door in Charminster then I’ll eat my hat. (meeeoooww!  I said hat, you silly old mog)

Lovely mirror shine of exterior gloss yacht varnish

Shelby is busy checking the paper for tomorrow’s forecast in that bizarre way which tortoises do but after a long day of painting, I can safely say we’re now one step closer to completing all the prep work on the side door.  

Possible sunshine with cold, wet patches

McMOGGIES CAT CAFE

I think I should get my own blog says Shelby as there’s far too many cats on this one and not enough photos of cute, lovable tortoises. 

Are any of those pesky moggies about?

Cats clearly have the upper hand when it comes to tea and sympathy.  Bournemouth has now opened its own cat café called Pause and in Bristol, you can go for a pint with a pussy at the popular Bag of Nails pub.  (I’ll be personally checking out this establishment later in May)

Nestling quietly in the back streets of Charminster, however, a different kind of cat café is in operation.  ‘McMoggies’ caters only for discerning felines who enjoy a tasty bit of Go Cat, a slurp of milk and hours of pampering.  No regular opening hours kept here, a strategic meow or pawing at the patio door will usually provide admission.  Clients have even been known to camp outside waiting for this establishment to open.

Cat napping until McMoggies opens up

McMoggies open for business

McMoggies now has 3 regulars:

Mr Tabbs, a mature tabby gent with an illustrious set of whiskers who loves to turn up for an early morning breakfast.  Enjoys a copy of The Times usually when you’re trying to read it and is never in a hurry to leave which is a bugger when you’re racing around at 6.30 am getting ready for work.

Headline mews

Then there’s Ginge.  Young, frisky, ginger; like the Prince Harry of cat society. Ginge uses his rakish charm to maximum effect announcing his entrance with a nonchalant meow and a swish of his tail.  He’ll roll on his back, paws in the air, giving you the full ‘look how cute I am’ routine but then claw you if you so much as try to tickle his tummy.  He’s a charmer alright but only on his terms.

Hmmm haven't they opened up yet?

Our newest customer, Socks, is shy but has already twigged that free grub can be had if you play your kitty cards right.  Socks dresses for the occasion.  A shiny black and white tuxedo- like coat gives him a dapper appearance, a miniature kitty butler or secret agent.  Silent but deadly since he rarely meows and loves to sharpen his claws on the coir mat after a meal.

Doesn't touch the sides

So with all this cat action going on, you can see why Shelby’s feeling a bit miffed.  There’s definitely a niche in the market for a Tortoise Café – please could somebody open one to give others a chance to get up close and personal with these adorable creatures. 

Party animal

Why so serious?

Who says tortoises can't be cute?

SIDE TRACKED

When you’re 106 years old you’re bound to have let things go a bit, to the extent that even a touch of lipstick or a quick fluff of the hairdo make barely a difference any more.  The same goes for properties.  After a few decades, what was once considered a desirable residence begins to look faded and worn. Everywhere I look, thin cracks snake across walls and ceilings, surely a sign that this house is now desperately in need of some building ‘botox’.  Strangely there are days when I too feel the same, faded and worn. 

Take our side garden gate for instance.  Once it stood shiny and proud, guarding the alleyway but now it’s just a clapped out old has-been, crippled by rot and missing planks.  It’s certainly one of the scruffiest doors in the street.  I know because I’ve secretly eyeballed everyone else’s on my way to the shops.  Our house is definitely lowering the tone of the road.

In need of a facelift

Stair project has now been side-tracked by new garden door project.  This is the danger of DIY, one thing leads to another yet little gets completed.  Thanks to Chambers Doors at In-Excess our garden door will undergo a miraculous transformation.  ‘Cinderella, you shall go to the ball’ said the Fairy DIY Godmother.  (quick wave of magic wand)  ‘Oh and while we’re at it, let’s get shot of that hideously tatty side door as no self-respecting prince is going to come knocking on that in a hurry’.  (waves magic wand again). 

Chambers Doors make bespoke gates/doors and have come up trumps with a lovely replacement for our scruffy old thing.  We’re now the proud owners of a new framed ledged and braced door.  

From Chambers Doors - Salisbury

It’s 2 m high, solid as they come and after a couple of coats of black paint will look as smart as a new pin.  Easy to order too, just turn up with your measurements at the nearest In-Excess depot, pay a deposit then wait for the phone call to collect.  Couldn’t be simpler and lord knows, I like simple.  Prices are reasonable too.  Our door complete with fixing posts, hinges and all door furniture has come to about £120.

Three coats plus an exterior varnish to finish

Let's hope it doesn't rain

After the first coat

Now all that’s needed is a handsome prince to fit it.  Frogs need not apply unless they have excellent carpentry skills!

PARKING MAD

There are some things that can instantly inflame one’s brain causing an internal mini volcano to erupt forth leaving a verbal trail of devastation in its wake.  And once it’s out, you can’t take it back.  That ticking time-bomb is ‘parking’.  I know because I’m the first to rush to my front window with an imaginary flame-thrower at the slightest rev of an engine to torch any vehicle overhanging the dropped kerbs next to my driveway.  (I wish)

Parking issues are the bane of most people’s life. The end of free parking at work has been a more hotly debated topic than the Trump election.  Ah, if only my colleagues would take as much interest in the more important things in life but sadly it seems that parking is top of everyone’s agenda.  The closer you live to the office, the more vocal the protester.  Many workers could easily walk to work but choose not to then wonder why they’re at the bottom of the parking permit food chain.  If I wasn’t already grey, the never-ending tirade of verbal diarrhoea I’ve had to endure over the past few weeks about paying to park at work would have left me looking like Gandalf.  Sheesh!

I have 3 words to say to all you lazy buggers out there who have the opportunity to save yourself a small fortune and not use public transport – WALK TO WORK!!  

Or cycle.  Two wheels good: four wheels bad.  But for God’s sake and mine just do something other than whinge.  If not to save the planet then to save yourself because next time I hear even the slightest mention of the P word, I’m going to come round to your desk and force a pen pot of paperclips down your throat.