SNAILS

After weeks of counting calories and gnawing my own leg for comfort, I've lost a stone in weight or as our Fat  Controller would say, the equivalent of two bags of shopping.  What, did I just leave them on a bus or something?  Can anyone tell me exactly where lost fat goes?

I was also surprised to come home last night and on opening my mail discover I'd been nominated 'Slimmer of the Month' by my fat busting group and awarded the much coveted Gold Star (a bit like an Oscar for fatties). My special certificate now has pride of place above the biscuit tin.

My newly lost 'shopping bags' must surely be attributed to a special spring diet of gardening and what we Spanish refer to as 'vigaros'  or winkles (sea snails).  Small, tasty and incredibly low calorie, a bucket of winkles is the best slimmer's aid as after 20 minutes of gouging out tiny, curled bodies with a cocktail stick you tend to lose the will to live, let alone eat.

Freshly picked winkles

A friend of mine once likened eating winkles to eating snot though how she knew what snot tasted like beats me as I'd never once seen her knuckle deep in nostril.  However, if snot is fat free and makes for a satisfying slimmers meal then who am I to argue?

In Siberia, large African snails are prized by those seeking immortal youth and used for facial massages in local beauty parlours.   Cheaper than botox, the snail method allegedly helps to speed up the regeneration of skin and remove wrinkles, scars and burn marks but really, who in their right mind would actually be vain or desperate enough to pay for a slimy snail face mask?  Next thing you know, people will be paying good money to have their arses licked by cows in the hope of getting pert buttocks.  Jesus whatever next!

PHOTO - Ilya Naymushin / Reuters