'TIS THE SEASON

Theatre-goers of the world unite against the scoffers, snafflers and noisy drink slurpers.  Death to the crunchers, munchers and scrunchers of plastic sweetie wrappers or crisp packets.  Why do you always have to do this during the most intense, dramatic scenes?  Behold the clickers, the texters, sniffers and whiffers.  Yes, some people brazenly ‘lift the cheek’ during plays.  There’s no escaping these stinkers in the dark, stuffy confines of even the plushest venues.

The pen is mightier than the sword especially when rammed into the eyeball of anyone guilty of these audience transgressions.  Why pay all that cash for a ticket to then selfishly spoil the atmosphere for yourself and everyone else?  Or am I missing the point here?  Perhaps there are people secretly masquerading as avid Shakespeare lovers when really they’re performance saboteurs, purposely annoying to get one over on every fee paying punter in the posh seats.

A couple of weeks ago at Poole’s Lighthouse concert hall, you could have heard a pin drop as the audience collectively held their breath at the closing of an exquisitely played piano concerto.  Musically divine, that is until some idiot in the front row dropped their mobile phone.  If looks could kill, the conductor’s eye roll death ray would have melted him on the spot.  I was almost on the verge of garrotting him from behind with my scarf but it just wasn’t long enough from Row E.  I was forced to remind myself that it’s not illegal for inconsiderate bastards to buy concert tickets.

Come on theatrical and concert venues across the land, let’s put a stop to these shenanigans once and for all.  Strategically positioned signs banning all food, drinks and mobile phones from auditoriums punishable by instant eviction might do the trick.  There was a time back in the old days when people were considerate and could actually sit through a performance without thinking of their stomachs but those days are well and truly gone.

And so I dedicate my less than Christmassy spirit to the person in the balcony at the Regent Centre, Christchurch on Thursday night who proceeded to loudly chomp their way through a Twix during the second half of Antony and Cleopatra.  

Here are two Christmas crackers for you to pull – firstly, please remember to feast during the interval.  Fifteen minutes should be more than enough time for a quick pee and to stuff your face full of chocolate.  Secondly – next time I’ll be waiting for you in the car park after the performance to force feed you a bag of wire wool so large you’ll be shitting brillo pads for weeks.

Bah Humbug!  Tis the season ….