MEANS MEANZ BEANZ

So, mean old Uncle Ebenezer Beeb is thinking of scrapping free TV licences for the over 75’s.  Shame on you!  This is the thin end of the OAP wedge, my ancient friends.  As soon as this motion is passed, it’ll open the floodgates to a greater means tested retirement.

TV Tax - coming to a screen near you

Biddy bashing is trending now, a term my other half hates more than artichokes and which usually results in him doing the opposite to everyone else.  After all, who wants to live their life like a sheep following the rest of the brainwashed, internet influenced flock?

But back to retirement means testing.  Pass me my Cynical cap and puke bucket.  Ta.  The Government is as concerned about us all having a nice comfy retirement as a hungry crocodile is about gobbling us up as an amuse bouche.  My bouche is definitely not amused at the thought of having worked hard and done the right thing in providing for my old age, I then discover that the biddy benefits rug I thought I’d paid for from a lifetime of NI contributions is going to be pulled out from under my feet. 

Was that a hungry crocodile over there?

Just wait and see. As soon as enough years of auto-enrolment have passed and everyone’s built up sizeable pension pots, the Government will decree that all old age benefits will be even more means tested than they already are.  No-one except the poorest of the poor will be entitled to anything ‘free’ but that really was the point of their auto-enrolment campaign all along if you haven’t already figured it out for yourself.

https://www.moneywise.co.uk/news/2018-01-10/state-pension-fund-could-run-out-soon-2032

I’m sure I’m not the only over 55 year old cynic out there who has realised just what a pup saving for retirement is turning out to be.  Not only are the Revenue taking a sizeable chunk of my personal pension pot in tax, fat cat fund managers are taking hefty fees just for babysitting my investments and then being deemed ‘well off’ by Government standards for having more that £1.55 in savings, my free bus pass, winter fuel allowance, pension credit, subsidised health care, etc, etc and even State Pension are soon to fly out the wrinkly window. 

Fat Cat Fund Manager - busy watching over your assets

Having means is going to mean eating baked beans for the rest of my days.  A pensioners ‘well off’ status will be no more than the figment of a civil servant’s cost cutting imagination and at this rate only MPs, fund managers or anyone else that had any substantial wealth before retirement will be pulling in a pension big enough to afford more than beans.

Yummy!  Beans for dinner again

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I wish I’d opted out of all my private pension plans years ago and just stuck my cash in a tax free ISA or frittered away my hard earned salary on having the best time ever.  Then in retirement with no dosh to keep me in Hob Knobs or hairnets, I’d be entitled to every free benefit under the sun instead of being continually milked like an old age cash cow until compulsory euthanasia becomes Government policy. 

Beware pensions pitfalls

So, bring it on Uncle Ebenezer Beeb.  Who needs a TV licence anyway?  I’d much rather be out in my garden growing pumpkins than watching all that reality rubbish that passes for entertainment these days.

PUMPKIN PATCH

My garden is the dropped stitch in the rich tapestry of life.  The Green Fingered Party has for some time struggled to get a mandate to return order into our very own veg or no veg Brexit.  This cannot continue.

Deal or no deal?  It's a mess alright.

The other half is growing motor racing flags instead of veggies

Since May started, undesirables parties (Weed UK and Ericaceous Rebellion) have stealthily tried to get a toe in the door of our private paradise so now a Canute-like stance will need to be adopted to drive these back, back, back into the verdant shadows.

Order in the borders is what's needed

Pumpkins are not just for Halloween you know.  This year we hope to grow our own candle lit monstrosities and so far, so good.  Twelve hearty specimens germinated from seed quicker than proposals for an Irish backstop and my workplace Adopt-A-Pumpkin scheme has managed to see all leftover plants placed in good homes.

Baby pumpkin plants grown from seed

Pumpkins are a powerhouse of vitamins and healthiness (err, why are we growing them?) being low in calories, full of anti-oxidants and handy as spooky candle holders.  With the right conditions, they’ll grow into whoppers or so I’m told.  All you need is a sunny, sheltered spot in well-drained soil and Bob’s your uncle, Fanny’s your aunt.  I’ve put mine in one of the veg beds under a large plastic propagator until global warming kicks in.

Transplanted into a nice sunny veg bed

Water your pumpkin plants carefully.  They love a good soaking but don’t like wet leaves as this often encourages disease.  Give them a good sloshing in the evening around the base of the plant.  With a bit of luck, come summer we’ll have pumpkins to be proud of.

Undercover mangetout agents

Netted up and ready to grow

RABBIT, RABBIT, RABBIT

No coach journey would be complete without that mandatory ‘Chatty Kathy’ who spends most of the trip updating every contact in her phone book on her fabulous weekend in London whilst the rest of us are trying to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Incessant chatterboxes should be thrown in The Thames

Chas n Dave summed it up perfectly when they sung ‘You’ve got more rabbit than Sainsburys’, this woman was definitely going for a gold medal chatfest record and after 45 mins, I’m sure the oxygen levels on the 035 coach from London had all but been sucked dry.  Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit – love, please give it a rest! 

Oi fish face - shut it!

My vote’s with Cubic Corporation who are in the process of patenting technology that will hopefully jam phones to enforce ‘considerate’ travel on public transport.  I don’t want my brain addled by you, you or you (finger pointing) with your irritatingly loud and banal conversations about paisley cushion cover designs from Liberty’s or to have my personal air space polluted with an epic tale of how your Aunty Ada got her in-growing toenail fixed.  Seriously – NO!

Several miles down the road from London on the north Kent coast, is the charming town of Whitstable famous mostly for its bracing sea air and oysters which are definitely quieter than mobile phones. 

Fishing boats at  Whitstable Harbour

Designer oyster shop

They've got the right idea in Whitstable

Eclectic lighting shop

Whitstable's so old, decimalisation has yet to arrive

If you are a mollusc muncher then Whitstable is the place for you. Oysters are everywhere you look and yes, I did sneak a few empty shells into my pocket from that huge pile on the beach so I’m now probably top of the Kentish coppers Most Wanted list.

Slimy and more expensive than a tank of diesel

Anyone fancy an oyster?

Don't pick the shells off the beach or else

YELLOW TICKET GARDEN

Everyone loves a bargain.  The mere sight of words such as ‘clearance’, ‘reduced’ or ‘marked down’ is enough to reduce me to a salivating middle aged heap of wobbliness, usually preceding the desire to spend, spend, spend! 

Managers discount - buy me

Yellow ticket gardening is now following hot on the heels of yellow ticket dinners.  What is this yellow ticket rubbish she’s blathering on about?  Well for those of you out there not familiar with this concept – ‘yellow ticket’ is the term applied in our household to anything heavily discounted by retailers as many of them use a yellow coloured price sticker to indicate a price reduction.

I love yellow ticket dinners

Imagine being a magpie in Tesco.  I realise this might be quite hard to do as birds are rarely seen hanging out in the fresh produce aisles but stick with me on this one.  Imagine being a magpie whose black beady eyes are on the lookout for any bits n bobs it can take back to its nest.  How does it spot these?  Well my guess is that it looks for anything shiny or glinting in the sunlight, some kind of sign (such as a yellow ticket) that gives away the location of a potentially fabulous treasure it can swoop down and nab. 

Magpies such as me use the same technique to spy out a bargain.  When shopping, my eyes rapidly skim the shelves of retail emporiums hoping to get a glimpse of a bright, shiny yellow ticket that I can swoop down on to get a fabulous saving.  This technique can be applied anywhere though success is not always guaranteed.

Saturday should have been designated National Yellow Ticket Day as there were bargains galore.  I couldn’t open my purse quick enough in some shops.  Scoops of the day included:

Chocolate bunnies discounted to 15p each.  There’s always quite a long sell by date on chocolate and these will make perfect prizes for our summer fundraising.

Bunnies are not just for Easter

Nutty snack packs discounted to 20p each, a perfect healthy option for next week’s lunch boxes.

Reduced!  Go nuts

Seeds discounted to 50p and not expiring until 2022, they’re even cheaper than Wilko.

Little discounts grow into big savings

And so the list goes on and on but the best bargains to be had were in the garden centres where I managed to pick up a whole range of lovely flowering plants at a fraction of the price.  This deck planter was filled with a great selection of items, 50p for pots of African daisies, 65p for pots of violas and £1 for pots of dianthus or pulsatilla. What’s more, I was able to use points from customer rewards schemes on top thus getting double the discount and my purchases for next to nothing. 

Garden centre plant bargains

Neglected planter on the deck

Yellow ticket transformation cost £7

Only 65p for a lovely pot of pansies

It pays to be a savvy shopper as looking after the pennies soon adds up to lots of pounds which can then be spent on treats or used to offset the cost of gardening projects. 

You can do it if you B&Q it

Price reduced poppies growing nicely in the borders

Remember, the golden yellow ticket rule is to only buy that which you actually need or were going to buy/use anyway so that you are not suckered into spending any extra money.  Happy shopping!