TREASURE CHEST

She’s not the Messiah but a Very Naughty Girl.  That’s the verdict according to Ebay.  Fancy listing items for sale then ending the auctions prematurely.  Apparently this is a crime worthy of a damn good thrashing so I’ve been sent a ‘slapped wristies’ email to make sure I don’t do it again.  Next time, it’s crucifixion.  Out of the door.  Line on the left.  One cross each. 

We'd never do anything that naughty...

Selling my tat on Ebay has been the least of my worries this past week compared to the challenge of finding a set of drawers to fit in the available gap in front of the old fireplace. And as you know, dear readers, drawers that don’t fit can cause extreme stress.

The real ball ache is that we’ve only got 158 cm to play with and most of the IKEA chests are 80 cm wide.  Unbelievable what a difference of 2 cm can make to a bedroom design scheme!  With just a smidge more space, I could have had a couple of lovely MALM four drawer chests but no, thanks to this poxy 2 cm deficit I’ve had to settle for some HEMNES three drawer chests instead.  It’s infuriating!

Mind the gap

Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the HEMNES range as we’re already using their bedside cabinets but its slightly less modern, Shaker type design wastes a lot more space than the sleeker MALM design.  Wooden tops that overhang the sides, legs taking up space that could have accommodated another drawer, I think IKEA should go back to the drawing board to rethink some of the HEMNES features.

Okay, so now we’ve got some HEMNES chests but they still don’t fit in the gap because of the overhanging tops.  

Getting to grips with flat pack assembly

It takes a lot longer than you think

Where does this bit go?

Amputation is the only solution to this problem.  If you are in any way squeamish at the thought of slicing into perfectly decent IKEA furniture then look away now as what I’m about to type next is going to make your blood run cold…  We chopped off the overhang! 

Cutting IKEA furniture to fit - don't do this unless desperate

I guess there’s now a collective cry of horror reverberating all over the web at this IKEA desecration but sometimes small sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.  I must admit though, I did cringe when the jigsaw slid into the lovely dark wood especially as each chest cost £150 so ruining them was definitely not an option. 

Having survived surgery, the chests have now been shoe-horned into position between the wardrobes where they’ll remain for evermore or at least until the next DIY bedroom makeover.

The perfect fit

FAJITAGATE

What the hell is going on?  Can anybody tell me where all the jars of fajita sauce have suddenly disappeared to? 

Bring back the Fajita sauce!

I’m talking about the 2 step jars - you know the ones with the herby spice powder in the lid that you sprinkle over your chopped meat and the rich, red salsa in the jar which turns your marinated chicken into a finger-licking feast.  I’ve scoured every supermarket in the county but it appears there’s been an alien invasion with all sauce jars abducted overnight.  This does not bode well for Fajita Fridays.

Is this all part of Trump's master plan to push through a trade deal with the UK after Brexit by withholding the world’s supply of fajita sauce?  If so, that could explain why he’s so keen to build a wall between the US and Mexico.  It’s obviously nothing to do with migrant control but more of a ploy to keep the salsa south of the border and stop it being exported to the UK.  No seriously where have all the fajita jars gone?  It’s a global emergency!

Whilst I’m busy pondering on Fajitagate, there’s a whole lot of drilling, hammering and swearing going on next door in the bedroom as finally our IKEA wardrobes have been delivered and are being assembled as I type.  It’s so exciting!

Ready for wardrobe installation to begin

This time we’ve delegated the task to the professionals; a short, wiry toothless bloke that makes the Cheshire cat look like an advert for private dentistry.  I only hope his assembly skills are far less elusive than the aforementioned moggy.

Hours later… I’ve spent the whole evening refilling my wardrobe; finding a home for all those dated outfits, mismatched socks and umpteen pairs of shoes that now have their very own pull out shelf to live on.  The drawers are filled with Stubbs and Skubbs – IKEAs handy little compartment dividers which are an OCD person’s wet dream. 

Space saving and clutter free

What a difference these new wardrobes have made to our bedroom.  Having all that clutter out of sight - it’s heavenly!

Before - what an unholy mess

After - mess has magically disappeared

PAINTWORK AND PAW PRINTS

Aargh!  Is that a black mark I see on my freshly painted Jasmine white windows?  On closer inspection it looks suspiciously like a paw print…

Looks like a paw print to me

Freshly painted windows in Dulux Jasmine white

Clearly this means a call to Scotland Yard.  Since real crime solving has been replaced by dealing with nonsensical ‘fake’ crimes such as draining pasta into the local water supply, calling your ex-husband’s girlfriend a horse on social media or buying up all the beer in town to deter Nazis from attending a rock festival (Germany), my case should be top of their list.  Police resources can always be found to tackle these types of serious misdemeanours so they should have plenty of under-utilised detectives to figure out which of our two infamous feline felons have perpetrated this terrible crime. 

Could it be ‘Desperate Dusty’ that grey, silent but stealthy ninja cat that somehow always manages to find a foothold on even the skinniest ledges?

Dusty - always where you least expect her

Don't let them fool you into thinking they're innocent

Or could it be the ‘Five Fingered Fat Cat’ that troublesome tabby who feigns sleep as a ruse to disguise the fact that she's busy masterminding a complex and dangerous heist of the Dreamy treats tin.  (Do cats have 5 ‘fingers’?  If they don’t they should have or this nickname is never going to work).

Fatty/Pookie - don't let that sleepy cat face fool you

She may be greedy but she doesn't miss a trick

It’s a mystery to be sure.  And one that is likely to remain unsolved for many years.  I’m hardly going to be able to check under their paws for white evidence without getting my hand shredded in the process, am I?

Now who's going to volunteer to check their paws?