ESCAPE TO THE GATEAU

Ours is not really a gateau, it’s a lemon drizzle but it is on a posh vintage stand so that makes it as good as those served up in the Chateau.

 

Yum!  Nice bit of cake for later

The Strawbridge’s are not the only couple grappling with the DIY demon in a bid to transform their abode into a posh panorama of creative and stylish elegance.  Look no further than Chichester for an authentic escape to the gateau experience.  I’m definitely an ‘Angel’ minus the tangerine bonce and the other half can be a bit of a ‘Dick’ at times.

As punishment for daring to suggest that you can actually cut wood without using power tools, he’s made me cut all the softwood cladding for the staircase walls using a fine-toothed hand saw which I specifically bought just to prove my point.

 

Just another 40 more planks to cut

Whilst this was not particularly hard, I now have a bad case of ‘fiddler’s elbow’ from the sawing motion.  Next time, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and let him carry on using his electrical gizmos.

Now when I said I was going to put tongue and groove cladding up one side of the staircase, it seemed like a good idea.  Softwood cladding will break up the vast expanse of plain painted wall and add a bit of texture.  Wood cladding is a favourite of mine and I guess I’ve just been looking for an excuse to incorporate it somewhere in the house but what often seems like a straight-forward task can sometimes end up being a gigantic headache.

 

What this needs is a bit of wood cladding

Normally tongue and groove cladding is nailed to thin timber battens which are fixed to a wall.  It is quite a fiddly and laborious process to ‘secret’ nail them into position.  As the skirting board in the bungalow is not very tall and with a very narrow lip to it, I thought it would be easier to stick the cladding directly to the wall to prevent it protruding too much from the skirting. 

No, no, no, no NO!  What is she thinking!  I can picture all you carpenters’ out there shaking your heads in disbelief and thinking this idea is going to be as successful as trying to water ski on jelly. 

Where there’s a will, there’s a way I say even if it does state not to use adhesives on the label of the timber cladding pack.  Why not?  If Extinction Rebellion can superglue themselves to a train then I’m sure as hell going to stick my cladding on the wall!

 

There's probably a good reason why

Three days and a ton of expletives later, the cladding has been cut and stuck to the wall but what a palaver! 

Time for a spot of indoor carpentry

Shelby says 'tell me when it's all over'

Can't look as she'll probably lop off a few fingers

 

Two sets of angles to cut for the stair pieces

Straight section at end of corridor

Templating round the power socket

Will it ever stick to this wall?

I’ve spent a fortune on glue and no matter how hard I tried to get the usual solvent free adhesives to create a bond between wood and wall, nothing worked.  After a few hours, the cladding just fell off leaving behind loads of unsightly marks on my newly painted walls.  I can’t really figure out why but I’m sure there’s a jolly good reason for it. 

Where there’s a will, there’s a way I said and sure enough if you look hard enough, you’ll find it.  Only 2 adhesives out of half a dozen different ones tried actually worked and these were: 

Evo Grip – looks like bird poo and is just as difficult to get off.

 

Available in B&Q

Sticks Like Shit Turbo – it does!

 

Available from Screwfix

Unless, like me, you are desperate enough to try these crazy ways to achieve your DIY objective, then my advice is to stick to the tried and tested methods.  Hmmm, I wonder how Dick Strawbridge would have gotten round this?  Next time, I’ll email him to pick his brain ...

It finally stuck to the wall

Ready for priming and painting