LIZ TRUSS RESIGNS

Well, well, well, so Liz Truss has finally resigned! The current political situation reminds me of that old 80’s joke ‘what lasts longer a pope or a wine gum?’ In this case, wine gums. Inevitably, the only option left on the table was for Dizzy Lizzy to go home and eat a large slice of humble pie, washed down with a nice cup of tea.

Of course, the question now on everyone’s lips is who will be our next Prime Minister? In lieu of a general election, here’s my hot list of prime candidates to lead the UK:

Bring Back Burgers!

Ronald McDonald – Bring Back Burgers is his party’s motto. Down with tofu and anything else that doesn’t come from cows. His manifesto includes a Windfall Tax on beans and any vegetarian food that gives rise to toxic emissions which is pretty much everything.

Vote for Tickle Me Tuesdays

Elmo – Come on, everyone loves Elmo! He’s got to be better than any of the muppets put forward by the Tories. His manifesto includes a Tickle Me Tuesday where the nation will go outside every week at 8 pm to tickle their neighbour because some of these miserable buggers need laughter in their lives.

Not again!

Boris Johnson – Bring Back Boris? Ok maybe a second season of the Boris soap isn’t such a good idea after all so moving swiftly on.

Always observe the Sabbath Day

Ozzy Osbourne – Who better to light up the nation’s way forward than the Prince of Darkness himself! Ozzy’s mandate will ensure the preservation of bats, free prescription medication and observing the Sabbath Day on 3 December which will be declared a new UK bank holiday.

I can find you the cheapest policies

Auto Sergei – Can search the markets for the least disruptive policy and guarantee you a free cup of coffee to boot. What’s not to like?

I'll show Larry the Mouser who's the top cat

Bertie – Who says cats can’t be Prime Ministers?

I'm perfect for this political drama

Olivia Coleman – She’s been in everything except No 10. No hang on, what about The Crown? I feel a string of BAFTA’s coming on and no doubt she’ll cut a fine dramatic figure during PM Question Time plus her exit will no doubt feature one of those really hammy Hollywood death scenes.

Austerity's my middle name

Roland Rat – Err, do you mean Rishi Sunak? Tipped as the red hot favourite, Rishi will make austerity look about as necessary as a colonic irrigation. If he gets into power, be prepared to tighten your belts to the point you can’t breathe.

I’m watching this space for political developments as well as watching paint dry as Fluvid has struck.

Getting ready to mist coat the kitchen walls

Two diluted coats of matt emulsion

One undiluted coat of white matt emulsion as a base

And whilst our builder is stuck at home with a snotty nose and wracking cough, I’ve thrown open all the windows to paint the kitchen before the base units get fitted next week.