HIP TO BE SQUARE

Up to this point, my pond project has been a solo venture but now it’s time to press-gang some unwilling volunteers into helping.

Oi! You there. Who me? The other half has that look upon his face, the kind of expression that sits somewhere between chronic constipation and extreme annoyance, the kind he displays when there’s a troublesome fly buzzing around his motorsport magazine. There’s nothing he hates more than blue-bottles on his bugattis.

Yes, you! Get those A-frames ready as it’s time to cut garden sleepers to make a rectangular frame. ‘Oh God, not again…’ I hear him mutter as he skulks off to the garage to rummage amongst his collection of tools.

Working out sleeper sizes to create a frame

Take 4 x 2.4 metre-long sleepers and cut them down to size to create a large frame that will sit inside your brown dirt patch. Use metal brackets to secure each corner and long hex bolts to attach sleepers together.

Finished sleeper frame

As I want the frame to sit below the level of the lawn so that it is not free-floating, then I’ve dug out a wide gulley along the perimeter of the dirt patch in which the frame will sit. Try to keep the bottom level and the same depth all round – a feat which is harder than sourcing a litre of diesel at less than £1.95.

Dig gulley all round your brown dirt patch

Nice and deep for sleeper to sit in

Do not attempt to lift the finished frame by yourself unless your name is Geoff Capes. It’s bloody heavy. Even the pair of us struggled to get the thing airborne by about an inch. Take a deep breath, brace yourself then heave completed frame into your freshly dug gulleys. There. It fits. Well, it does after a few tweaks here and there.

Perfect frame for the pond

Stretcher-bearer!!! Back rub me!

DIG! BABY DIG!

All this talk about idleness and procrastination has finally given me a kick up the jacksie to spur my lazy lump self into some activity.

At last, I’ve decided to get round to digging out part of the garden so I can install a large preformed pond I blagged for free from one of our neighbourhood websites.

It’s a behemoth of a pond. Large enough to do the week’s laundry in if energy costs continue to go up. But it was free and I’m all for re-cycling wherever possible. Besides it’s a large sized Blagdon Damselfly pond and one of these babies will set you back a tidy sum if purchased new.

Free pond anyone?

To prevent us old folks or grandson accidentally falling into the pond, I’ve decided to install it on the lawn in the middle of a raised rectangular bed made of garden sleepers. Being a tidy freak doing this will neaten the edging, contain any border rocks or planting and prevent wet granny ankles or kite surfing tortoises.

Quite how you go about installing a pre-formed pond is one of those exciting, new challenges designed to keep retired brain matter active. Things to learn. Physical jerks (I’m not referring to the other half). Plenty of resistance training (largely from my under-utilised muscles who are resistant to any form of exercise). Fresh air to fill your bonce with positive thoughts and banish mental negativity. A good time filler.

First – decide on location of said pond and mark out a nice rectangle of an appropriate size using whatever implements you can lay your hands on. Aha, there’s a nice patch on the lawn just there opposite the veggie bed that’ll be the perfect spot.

Second – get digging. Delve like your life depends on it. Dead grass, weeds, stones; everything’s got to come up. If you have physical limitations like I have, be prepared to pace yourself as it’s a sweaty, back-breaking job. Chunk up the rectangle so you do a little bit every day. Ensure you have a flask of tea to hand for restorative purposes.

It’s taken me several days just to get rid of the surface turf and get down to bare earth. I now have a brown dirt cowboy patch that will eventually house my new pond. Time to dig, baby dig!

Brown dirt patch - home of new pond

TAX STACKING

Liar, liar – your tax pants are on fire.

The subject of paying tax on state pensions has raised its ugly head again just days before Horrible Healy’s first budget during which the Government will reveal how they intend to deal with pensioner taxation.

Those who have ONLY the state pension to live on but NO OTHER income have nothing to fear from the Tax Man according to Torsten Bell, Pensions Minister who decreed that anyone falling into this bucket should not be burdened with the administrative headache of filling out online tax returns. This pretty much echoes what came out of the last budget (see my post The Policy of Truth Nov 2025).

I can’t wait to hear how the Government are going to deal with ‘liars’ because when it comes to paying tax everyone’s likely to become more economical with the truth, aren’t they? How will the Treasury identify which of us have ONLY a state pension to live on?

I’m thinking that if you only have a state pension to live on ie £13,036 per annum from next April and NO OTHER forms of personal income or savings in the bank then presumably you would be entitled to claim other benefits such as winter fuel allowances or discounts off your council tax which are also not taxed. A double bubble for some.

So, my question again - how will those that claim to be poor pensioners be assessed? There will have to be a mechanism, a form of ‘means-testing’ or some kind of assessment or criteria to determine whether folks have additional income streams or are lying through their teeth when they claim they haven’t a bean to live on other than what the state gives them.

And indeed, I can give you a practical example of how someone with only a state pension to live on can actually earn lots more by using ‘tax stacking’ to maximise their personal income without even having to report it to the Revenue. Read on as you won’t see this shared by Torsten Bell or Money Saving Expert.

Tax Stacking is the practice of layering lots of different tax allowances on top of each other so you can have your cake and eat it without sharing a single crumb with the Tax Man. I’ve put my ‘estimated’ income from each category in bold text. Let the stacking begin:

Annual State Pension from April 2027: £13,036
According to Torsten, if that’s all you have to live on then this will be subject to zero tax.

Renting out a spare bedroom: £3,000
Under the Government’s Rent-a-Room scheme, you can earn £7,500 a year (joint ownership) or £3,750 each before any tax is due. As long as your takings don’t exceed the £3,000-ish mark then every rental penny is yours.

Renting out your driveway: £800
Property Trading Allowance is £1,000 per annum. Incomes from driveways are treated separately to room rental which means that allowing a few punters to pay to park occasionally outside your home can add to your tax-free income.

Side Hustles: £800
Trading Allowance is £1,000 per annum. Incomes from all those extra-curricular activities such as online selling, fast food deliveries, crafting, etc. Yep, those funky bird feeders you fashioned out of scrap timber that you sell on cyber market places are all classed as side hustles. Provided the cumulative total of any income raised from side hustles is below the threshold then not a problem, you don’t need to declare it.

Share Dividends: £300
Dividend Allowance is £500. Tax is only paid if your annual share dividend income exceeds this figure but if you only hold a few shares then anything below this threshold is a free gift.

Savings Interest (not ISA a/cs): £800
Personal Savings Allowance (PSA) for basic-rate taxpayers is £1,000 of savings interest tax-free per year for everything held outside of an ISA tax wrapper. Always keep your cash in an ISA to avoid getting an unexpected tax demand especially now savings interest rates are rising.

Selling Assets: £2,000
Got a few gold trinkets you no longer wear? What about that old oil painting gathering dust in the attic? If you’re thinking of flogging these to boost your pension then remember the Capital Gains Tax annual exempt amount is £3,000. Covers the sale of personal assets that have increased in value not car-booting crap.

By stacking these 6 different tax allowances together to form a tax tower, you can potentially add almost £8,000 to your annual state pension without having to part with a single penny in tax. This is all perfectly legal and above board, no shady business on this blog. Unless the Government decide to do away with any or all of these allowances which is always a possibility at the next budget then feel free to stack away to your heart’s content.

I must add here that these allowances apply to everyone not just those who are living solely on a state pension.  We can all tax stack but bear in mind that if you massively exceed any of these allowances and your main source of income is not just a state pension then you could end up accidentally pushing yourself into a higher tax bracket if your total personal income exceeds £50,000 per annum.

Key takeaway - Know your tax allowances then make sure you always keep your earnings in each category below the threshold for a tax free existence.  If you think I'm talking bollocks then fair enough otherwise ask your local, friendly accountant to explain how you might benefit from tax stacking.

As I’ve always said the secret to a happy, prosperous retirement is getting on top of tax.

LIFE IN THE SLOW LANE

Back in February when early retirement was still a nebulous dream, I had a plan – a list of activities to rush off and do once I was no longer shackled to an office desk. It looked something like this:

Complete wall panelling downstairs
Rip up old corridor carpet for replacement flooring
Take up wild water swimming
Consider joining the local WI group
Dig large hole in garden for a pond
Finish itinerary for a trip to east coast of Australia
Do more volunteering
Buy a sketch book and have an art attack
Climb Snowdonia
Gardening, gardening and more gardening
Sign up for those free local council Heart Smart walks

But in the 6 months since I left work, I’m beginning to realise that the pace of life in retirement is not what it once was. Somehow, I’ve subconsciously shifted out of 5^th gear and moved across into the crawler lane like all those other old tabbies behind the wheel who drive like they have all the time in the world.  Retirement is definitely more milk float than Ferrari.

Procrastination rules and that’s not always a good thing. It now takes me at least 3-4 weeks to get round to doing things which before I would have raced round to cram into an afternoon. Time has developed a gooey fluid quality, flowing like a lazy river through the jungle of my life.

So, I’ve finished the panelling, flooring and have started on the garden but as for the rest of the list? Well, there’s plenty of time to get round to considering it.

The problem with having all day to do stuff is it’s easy to get distracted. Take today for example. I should be touching up the bottom of the architraves in the corridor. I’ve had this task on my ‘To Do’ list for at least 3 months, yet some unseen force prevents me from picking up a paint brush. Instead, I’m blogging, baking, or painting pebbles. Basically, doing random shit except that which is important because that’s what being time rich is all about. Filling your day. With pleasurable, enjoyable fun stuff to while away the hours.

I need painting

In true procrastinator fashion, tasks left undone are transferred across to tomorrow’s ‘To Do’ list. Trouble is, I’m moving over the same things almost daily and never ticking them off. Hopelessly idle. Can’t be helped but more likely can’t be arsed. I’m retired so every day’s a weekend. At some point, I will get off my lazy arse to finish the architraves but for now, I’m off to pick the last of my ripened tomatoes in my nightie before I head off for a shower.

Last of the ripening tomatoes

OMG! CLADDING FINISHED

Not a cloud on the horizon. Today’s forecast is perfect for cladding – not too hot, not too wet and not too windy. Sweet.

The sound of builder’s beavering away outside is music to my ears. I’m hopeful that today could be the day when this cladding project is finally finished but I’m tempering my enthusiasm by buggering off for a spot of tai chi to release all that pent up negative no-cladding energy. I want to see real progress by the time I get back I tell myself as I swan off up the road in tight-fitting leggings in this glorious October sunshine.

I’ve deliberately dawdled home so as not to give the impression that I’ve been all that bothered by the shenanigans of these procrastinating peeps when in fact, I’m desperate to see what they’ve been up to.

Cor! Looks like they’ve pulled out all the stops. The cladding now reaches the apex, covering every inch of wall space. Nice. In addition, a strip of trim is covering all those awful uneven board edges so everything has a tidy finish.

The cladding tide has finally come in

All that’s left to do is fit the last bit of soil pipe, refix the front guttering, clear all the rubbish off site and job’s a good ‘un. 

Soil stack completed

Bedroom window frame neatly trimmed in white

Begone lawn killer!

Was I a bit too hasty in meting out imaginary punishments before any real crime had been committed? Let’s just say I won’t be sending this lot any return invitations for afternoon tea although when all is said and done, they've done a fabulous job sprucing up this tired old wall.  You could almost say it was worth waiting for ...

As for my impatience, I’m laying the blame firmly at the door of my Spanish heritage.

Planters returned to the alleyway

PAYING EXTRA TAX VOLUNTARILY

There’s been a slew of celebrities in the media recently volunteering to pay extra taxes to help the nation. Michael Palin being the last person to publicly express this desire. Clap. Clap. Clap. I applaud these noble sentiments. If you’ve got a few extra thousand quid sloshing about then why not give it to the Tax Man? Fool!

However, since there is no mechanism in place for tax revenue to be paid into Treasury coffers that isn’t actually due then I have a better suggestion to make and that is, give this cash to deserving causes that can put the funds directly into good use.

Do you really trust the Government or The Revenue to actually spend your money wisely? I mean you’ve only got to look at what they spend our taxes on now such as continually giving it to the French to fund their beach inactivity, paying it to wind farms to switch off because the grid lacks the necessary cabling to cope with all that extra power or paying for the unemployed to have nice days out at theme parks. Not much of a philanthropic return on your tax investment in UK PLC is it?

But if you were to donate a sizeable sum of money to a charity of your choice then not only would you probably mitigate some of your own personal tax bill but the funds could be put to immediate use. No doubt there are many local good causes crying out for a chunk of money to fund things that would have a beneficial impact on a community. Michael, just ask your friends, neighbours or your PA to recommend one near you then sponsor it.

Better still, give the money to a local hospice. We might all end up needing their end-of-life care services especially now that the Assisted Dying Bill has been well and truly scuppered. Hospices are known to be under-funded and many may have established means for taking in philanthropic bequests or donations. Giving your surplus cash to these selfless institutions so that folks can be properly looked after in their final days is far more of a noble act than just handing the dosh over to HMRC.

I prefer the Michael Sheen style of philanthropy, buying up the debts of ordinary people then cancelling them entirely thus liberating them from the capitalist enslavement of financial institutions. Definitely the right idea in my book.

So, if there are any other celebs out there with money burning a hole in their pocket who want to give something back to the country then act locally rather than nationally. Do not volunteer to pay extra taxes – no-one in their right mind would EVER want to do that!

AND STILL NO END IN SIGHT

I’m on the verge of ‘bumping’ off these builders. Killing them stone dead with a ‘Right. You’re off the job’ missile.

As expected, a damp squall has blown in from the West. It’s radio silence from the errant trades. Not a peep. No apology for non-appearance. Nothing. Just the sound of a frustrated tattoo being smashed out on my laptop, keyboard glowing hot, the air blue with expletives. I don’t dare ring the builder for fear of unleashing a verbal kraken. Instead, I sit stewing, scowling out the window at the pitiful spotty raindrops.

Eventually, gathering every ounce of self-composure I can muster, I text. Polite. Respectful. No capitals. No ‘where the f*** are you?’ but a more restrained ‘I guess you’re not coming today?’ My tooth-gritting restraint must have travelled down the phone line eliciting a whiny response about working at height in windy weather. Be there tomorrow. Yeah? I’ve heard that one before.

Fast forward to lunch - tasty snackette of marmalade slathered crispbreads topped with hard-boiled egg. (Weirdo!). The doorbell rings. ‘What now?’ I mutter rudely with a gob full of half-chewed food. Hastily swallowed, I brush off my crumbed chest with a few aerobic sweeps then head for the front door. ‘Hello. You must be the abseiling plumber, licensed to scale scaffolding in a force 5. Come on in.’

No doubt a peace offering from Vlad who must have realised by now that although I may be small, inoffensive looking and make a good cuppa, I’m strictly a ‘no-nonsense’ type of gal. My pipework now beautifully teed in to the main soil waste pipe, let’s hope these peeps keep their promises to finish this cladding tomorrow.

From this

To this

Handbasin & shower overflows tee'd in to main soil stack

FLYING KITES

There’s less than a month to go to the dreaded Budget and one thing that’s noticeably absent from the tabloids this year is kites.

Flying kites. The deliberate leaking of information by the Treasury to gauge public opinion on any policy changes they may be weighing up. You didn’t really think this stuff gets into the media because some inattentive numpty accidently hit the ‘enter’ key? Nope. The Treasury knowingly lets one slip out then sits back to wait and see exactly how the public might react to whatever hellish stink has polluted the atmosphere.

This time last year the papers were full of kites but this year there seems to have been little to excite the masses into a righteous pre-budget froth. It’s worrying. It’s generally known that the quiet ones are the worst but this parliamentary silence is probably more unsettling than loads of scurrilous front-page rumours.

I imagine that Horrible Healy is playing his cards very close to his chest for his first budget because he is unlikely to be delivering any pleasant early Christmas presents. We’re all on the naughty list although if he gave everyone a lump of coal at least it may go some way to reducing energy bills. (Price cap rumoured to increase somewhere between 16% to 24% in January 2027).

The best way to deliver bad tidings is unexpectedly then people have limited or no time to react to the news.

Too many rumoured tax increases are going to send more rich folks running for those tax-haven hills, a scenario the Government are keen to avoid at all costs particularly as they’ve lined up all their ducks to further tax that super-wealthy one percent. Naturally, if there are no rich poshos left to tax then the spotlight is going to shift firmly on us ordinary peeps.

In the same way that gardeners are tending the flower borders, preparing them for that long winter sleep, we too should be weeding through our personal finances now getting them combat-ready for any fight, flight or freeze responses to whatever the Treasury has to throw at us.

I’ve already withdrawn a chunk of private pension to max out my cash ISA in case the Chancellor cuts the savings thresholds even further or increases the basic rate of income tax or savers tax. I’d rather take a 20% hit now but be ready to take advantage of any base rate rises coming after the budget. If he does increase income tax rates imagine the mad financial scramble of lemmings trying to avoid the taxation cliff edge before next April.

Don’t forget that cash ISA savings thresholds are only at £20,000 until next April after which it will drop down to £12,000 for anyone that is under 65 years old. Since cash ISA accounts are pretty much the only legitimate way for savers to shelter money from the tax man in the UK then it makes sense to squirrel away as much of your hard-earned dosh into them because my gut feel is that eventually in the dim and distant future, cash ISAs may be phased out thus forcing anyone building up a sizeable nest egg to pay savers tax.

It’s important to remember that some kites may fly but never actually get off the ground so always exercise due diligence before making any hasty financial decisions. Crunch those numbers. Ask AI. Flip a coin. Stick a finger in the air. Just be ready to act when the curtain falls on 28 October. In the meantime, keep looking out for those kites.