CORNISH CAPERS

Cornwall – it’s not all pasties and clotted cream you know.  Although it was a bit of a close call a while back when ‘Pastygate’ threatened to tax Ginsters into extinction and as for clotted cream, I think I’ve gained 6 lbs just looking at the packaging!  Luckily, pasties and cream teas have not yet been abolished by the Obesity Police so I’m sampling as many as possible on our Cornish weekend before they suffer the same fate as dinosaurs.

Look out it's the Obesity Squad!

We’re getting away from all that crass commercialisation that passes for Christmas by visiting the land that time forgot, the Lizard peninsula, part of the ‘pigs trotter’ at the southernmost tip of the British map.    Spent the day exploring the lesser seen parts of Cornwall or polluting the countryside with my dirty diesel as per the environmentalists. Not a Christmas bauble in sight!

Have you seen any lizards round here?

You could have heard a pin drop at Mullion Cove where I suspect holiday and second homes make up 80% of the dwellings.  Not many grockles braving the chill wind early on Sunday morning except us nutters.

Mullion harbour

All is calm at Mullion

Early morning at Mullion Cove

On to Kynance Cove to look for the perfect pebble, breathe in the fresh air and avoid as many dog walkers as possible.

View over Kynance Cove

Looking for that perfect pebble

Reflections at Kynance Cove

The lighthouse keeping watch over the rocky reefs at Lizard Point stood tall and proud, buffeted on all sides by the twin tempests of weather and capitalism as arts and craft shops proliferate across the cliff top where sky and sea once met in solitude.

Lizard Lighthouse

The old lifeboat house at Lizard Point

Here’s the picturesque coastal town of Coverack where the disused lifeboat station has been turned into a fish and chip restaurant (that’s progress for you) and a large sign saying ‘NO’ to the commercialisation of the harbour is to be applauded.

Coverack Bay

Fish & Chips at Coverack's old Lifeboat station

Driving through these little Cornish coastal hamlets with the wind whipping up the surf and the sun’s rays bursting through the clouds, it’s not hard to park your troubles for a few days and just go with the flow.  Hey, was that a pasty shop back there?

Oi grockle! I was here first.

ITS CHRISTMAS?

Its Christmas!  Is it?  Hang on a mo, I’ve only just cleared the garden of rocket sticks and burnt out sparklers, I’m not ready for jingle bells. 

Our back garden Clanger firework display

It’s only the middle of November but not according to the retail industry who have already decked the shopping halls with boughs of holly, assaulting our ears with ‘Frosty the Snowman’ on a continual fruit loop from dawn till dusk.  Don’t they know it’s not cool for yule to be before December?

I know exactly how you feel

As if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s been more drama in our office this past fortnight than in a whole month of EastEnders.  All the constant sniping, bitching, whingeing, back-stabbing and tears before my 9.30 am cappuccino – its soooo exhausting!  I’ll be glad to see the back of all that when I retire.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been spending my time on, dear readers, obsessing about retirement or more importantly, how to bring this about sooner rather than later.  Instead of updating this blog, I’ve been poring over pensions, discovering the ins and outs of draw-down plans and trying to get my noggin round the nuances of  ‘death taxes’ and how to avoid them.

Say no more ...

It’s made me realise that all those years I thought I was feathering my nest for a comfortable retirement I’ve actually been a Fund Manager for the Treasury.  For every 20p the Government has given me in pension tax relief, I have unwittingly been investing this for them for free so that they can reap a hugely inflated tax reward later when I decide to get my grubby paws on pension proceeds.  Auto-enrolment kerrr-ching!  No wonder Spreadsheet Phil’s rubbing his hands with glee at the success of the new ‘pension freedoms’.  Who’s the real mug? 

To sweeten the bitter pill of the unfairness of life, I’ve introduced Ginge to the wonders of YouTube’s bird videos for cats.  

Bird videos for cats - it's mesmerising

Freeview have definitely missed a trick here by not hosting a kitty channel full of bird movies.  He’s been glued to the monitor for hours, chattering away and swatting the screen every now and then.  It’s hilarious.  Trouble is now I can’t get on the PC to update this blog!

In case it tries to fly away

Trying to pack?  Not now, there's a birdie

THE 3 Ms

Well knock me down with a feather!  My brother, the laziest blogger in ‘saarrf’ London, has finally updated his blog with the latest instalment of his epic garden refurbishment after 6 months of cyber celibacy. 

And whilst he’s been laying down more concrete than Ready-Mix or being a human starfish felting the roof of his new summer-house, I’ve been busy spending my loose change (see previous Techno post) in Italy.  Although these days, the pitiful euro exchange rates on offer mean your 5p’s are worth about as much as a slug sandwich.

So what are these mysterious M’s I’m referring to?  By this I mean Milan, Modena and Monza which have been the recent focus of my travels abroad:

MILAN – a city of graffiti and vagrants of which there’s little shortage of both.  Everything’s pretty in Milan; the people, the piazzas, even the pasta comes in fancy multi-coloured designs.  You’ve got to hand it to the Milanese for being in pole position in the fashion race.  They make your smartest holiday gear look like something you fished out of the Bristol Channel at low tide then dried on the back of a camel. 

Milan Cathedral

Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II

Fashion in Milan is not just about looks but it’s also about practicality.  Ladies, feast your eyes on this little beauty.  This large, capacious handbag is smart enough for the office but has a bright padded exterior that doubles up as a duvet or lifejacket in case you need a kip or unexpectedly fall into the sea.  Amazing! 

Handbag or Duvet or Lifejacket?

MODENA – is less about front-line fashion and more about medieval quaintness.  Famous for its fast cars (Ferrari), tenors (Pavarotti) and balsamic vinegar (a bottle of which costs as much as a full tank of diesel), Modena looks sleepy on the outside but I’m sure is a seething hotpot of Latin temperament on the inside.  Must be all that vinegar…

Modena Cathedral

Piazza Grande

Museo Casa Ferrari

MONZA – the Grand Prix of course, not the town.  I mean come on, is there anything else Monza is famous for?  Definitely not winning races as Ferrari got a thorough dicking by Lewis Hamilton in this year’s GP.  I was there to see it with my own eyes.  Better luck next time old chaps. 

Monza Grand Prix Lap of honour - Hamilton & Bottas 

Ah, Bella Italia!  

DRAGONFLY

Looking for somewhere to go in Bournemouth on a Saturday night?  Then look no further than the Flirt Café at The Triangle.  It’s hosting the opening night of ‘Dragonfly’ on Saturday 29 September 2018, billed as Bournemouth’s newest drag night. 

This event hopes to promote new ‘Queens and Kings’ taking to the stage for the first time and existing performers trying out new material, adding a bit of glitz and glamour to an otherwise dull autumn weekend.

Tickets are free!  Yes unbelievably, it’s a ‘pay what you want’ event so whatever you’ve got in your pocket will do.  Not something that usually applies to theatrical performances these days as ticket prices for the West End could easily feed or clothe a family of four for a month. 

Reserve your seat via https://dragonfly.brownpapertickets.com  See you there!