SNAILS

After weeks of counting calories and gnawing my own leg for comfort, I've lost a stone in weight or as our Fat  Controller would say, the equivalent of two bags of shopping.  What, did I just leave them on a bus or something?  Can anyone tell me exactly where lost fat goes?

I was also surprised to come home last night and on opening my mail discover I'd been nominated 'Slimmer of the Month' by my fat busting group and awarded the much coveted Gold Star (a bit like an Oscar for fatties). My special certificate now has pride of place above the biscuit tin.

My newly lost 'shopping bags' must surely be attributed to a special spring diet of gardening and what we Spanish refer to as 'vigaros'  or winkles (sea snails).  Small, tasty and incredibly low calorie, a bucket of winkles is the best slimmer's aid as after 20 minutes of gouging out tiny, curled bodies with a cocktail stick you tend to lose the will to live, let alone eat.

Freshly picked winkles

A friend of mine once likened eating winkles to eating snot though how she knew what snot tasted like beats me as I'd never once seen her knuckle deep in nostril.  However, if snot is fat free and makes for a satisfying slimmers meal then who am I to argue?

In Siberia, large African snails are prized by those seeking immortal youth and used for facial massages in local beauty parlours.   Cheaper than botox, the snail method allegedly helps to speed up the regeneration of skin and remove wrinkles, scars and burn marks but really, who in their right mind would actually be vain or desperate enough to pay for a slimy snail face mask?  Next thing you know, people will be paying good money to have their arses licked by cows in the hope of getting pert buttocks.  Jesus whatever next!

PHOTO - Ilya Naymushin / Reuters

  

FORDE ABBEY PLANT SALE

It's two updates for the price of one tonight!

Now that winter finally seems to have disappeared, it's time to get down to the sweaty business of preparing the garden for spring time planting and of course that means looking out for plant sales in which to snap up a few bargains or acquire unusual specimens for your flower beds.

A couple of weeks ago, we ventured out to a place called Forde Abbey on the Somerset border for a day out and to check it out for a future outing.  It's a huge historic abbey with large grounds and an apparently beautiful garden (I like the sound of that) which we hope to explore later this year when there's more to see.  Read more about the gardens from their web site http://www.fordeabbey-gardens-dorset.co.uk/garden/ to get a better idea of what's there to explore.

View of Forde Abbey 

As an aside - Shelby (our demented tortoise) who is keeping me company in the study, has somehow managed to climb on top of a yellow carrier bag full of papers that is under the desk and is now apprehensively peering over the edge, looking for a place to slide down.  She's such a silly old thing!

Anyhow, to get back to the plant sale.  It was a small, muddy affair with not a great deal that sparked off any desire to empty my purse although I still managed to come away with the following:

• Myosotidium - Chatham Island forget me not (£3.50)
• Arum Italicum - oftened referred to as 'Lords and Ladies' (£2.50)
• Valeriana Officinalis - common valerian (£4.50)

Plants for sale!

The Abbey also has a small plant nursery offering a good selection of very reasonably priced plants and I managed to find another climbing Hydrangea Petiolaris for £9.50, a considerable saving on the Crocus price of £12.99.  I have to say this is one of the main reasons why it's worth going to these things because if you know your plant prices, you can save yourself a few pennies compared to buying at larger gardening outlets.

I've discovered though that there's one drawback to buying random plants at these sales as without portable encyclopaedic knowledge of every bit of vegetation you come across, you've really no idea as to what you're getting or whether it will grow in your garden until you get it home.  After a quick Google you'll have realised, albeit a bit late in the day, that most of your purchases are either totally unsuitable for outside habitation or completely wrong for the type of soil, aspect or location you had in mind. (It pays to do a bit of research beforehand on any specific plants you might be interested in or to have an iPad/iPhone).

Top marks for finding new, exciting specimens for my borders but not so pleased that most are shade loving plants and that the Myosotidium will have to be overwintered indoors.  

Counting down the days to the first Cherry Tree Nursery plant sale on 31 March and also counting down to the loss of my first stone with Slimming World - only 3.5lbs away. Exciting times eh!

McTWITTERS REVAMPED

Roll out the red carpet for the grand re-opening of McTwitters, our alfresco dining facility for feathered friends.  Here is the new and improved restaurant which now boasts an on-site spa for those customers needing a wash and brush up before sitting down to eat.  There's also a bit more wing room for pigeon parties thanks to the raised ceiling and extended floor area.  Customers are already flocking to try out the tasty seed, sunflower and bread menu.

McTwitters deluxe with on site spa

The old McTwitters after winter storms

WINTER PRUNING

The trouble with working in a greenhouse type building is that you have to endure the worst of greenhouse like temperatures and in the current Baltic climate it’s no laughing matter when the car park is warmer than the office’s 3^rd floor thanks to the marvel called air conditioning.  If we’re freezing our arses off in Poole, spare a thought for those ‘chilled cheddars’ working in London’s new Cheese-Grater and in the Gherkin, well I’m sure the phrase ‘cool as a cucumber’ is generally used to describe frozen extremities not veg.  I know that out there in some parallel universe, I’m sat on a sunny balcony overlooking a spectacular vista lapping up the rays whilst sipping pina coladas and casually flicking the odd fly that happens to invade my personal space.  It’s this firm belief in random quantum theories that helps me get through winter.

Meanwhile back on my own planet, it’s time to get down to the serious business of deflating my spare tyres.  As it’s far too frosty to snip even the hardiest of shrubs without risk of death (to the plant that is), I’m cutting the calories instead of winter pruning.  And this time it’s pretty serious.  I mean Slimming World serious.  This time next winter, I hope to be able to hide behind my Vibernum bush without my ‘love handles’ sticking out from the sides.  Cake is definitely off the agenda!

I’m certainly NOT going to reveal my starting weight as this figure when converted into milligrams is almost the size of the national debt but let’s just say that when one of the slimming group’s members said she wanted to lose enough weight so that she could strap into her airline seat this summer, my target is to be able to travel out of the hold. 

So let the battle of the bulge commence!  For once, I would like not to resemble a Teletubby in my garden.