THE KNITIVITY

Long ago in a Biblical galaxy far far away, a wonderous woolly story was about to unfold. 

Shepherds were watching their flocks by night when suddenly the angel of the Lord appeared (minus chocolate orange filling)

 

Whilst shepherds watched their flocks by night

The angel of the Lord appeared and glory shone around

(Angelic host music) - ‘Behold I bring you glad tidings’ etc etc  ‘Today in David’s town is born a saviour, wrapped in swaddling clothes in a manger.   You’ll find him in a stable so off you pop’. 

Bethlehem - quite close to Gaza strip

The shepherds gathered their sheep and made their way to Bethlehem during a temporary ceasefire to look for a non-bombed out stable containing a special baby.

 

Are we there yet?

Meanwhile in another part of the Orient, three kings bearing e-vouchers for gifts of gold, myrrh and frankincense had also received the same angelic Insta message. 

 

We three kings of Orient are

They saw a bright light shining in the east and wondered if it was indeed a celestial body or the National Grid exploding from over-charging of electrical gadgets?  Satisfied with the scientific findings that most of Israel was clear of Covid, they too made their way to Bethlehem. 

 

Star of wonder, star of night

Once in royal David’s city they stumbled across a stable using Google maps where a mother had laid her baby in a lowly cattle shed for no other Airbnb accommodation could be found.

 

Holy infant so tender and mild

It was a silent night for not a peep could be heard so the three kings knelt humbly before a very Hagrid looking Joseph and his wife Mary to present their gifts to baby Jesus.

 

Sleep in heavenly peace

Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar - the Magi

Glory to God in the highest and peace to all people on earth.

 

The Knitivity

And so, once again the wondrous story of The Knitivity according to the Woolly Gospel (unpublished) is told.  

Merry Christmas!

 

SCROOGEMAS!

And this year’s prestigious Scroogemas Award goes to (drum roll) ….  The Kinnerton Peppa Pig advent calendar.

 

Winner of the Scroogemas Award

If you’re on a festive diet or want to avoid dental fillings then look no further than this wonderful piggy themed advent calendar, fully endorsed by the Obesity Police, it’s designed to give you the smallest sliver of chocolate every day so that you feel like you’re indulging in the usual Christmas naughtiness but without the calories. 

No need to rush down the stairs every day, fighting off the other half for the honour of opening the special door as behind each one there’s a chocolate figurine the size of a fingernail.  To give you a better visual idea of how large your daily surprise is, here’s a photo showing some of the chocolates against my Gabapentin capsule. 

 

Smaller than the recent cut to NI contributions

Yep, there’s more substance in the cardboard packaging than in all 25 chocolates! 

Is it me or do you remember a time when advent calendars contained all sorts of larger delicious goodies behind each door that were worth fighting for?  Clearly those times are long gone thanks to shrinkflation and Scroogish corporate greed.

 

Not an advent calendar by Mark Parisi

I’m saving up all my special bits of daily chocolate until the 25^th to stuff in my mouth all at once so that it feels like I’ve actually munched on a proper Crimbo bit of naughtiness. 

Bring on the turkey!

WHITE FRIDAY

All I want for Christmas is ….. coal!  Ooooooh, babyeeee!

 

Gimme coal

For once I’d rather be on the naughty than nice list as then I’d be in line to receive a much desirable lump of coal.  With several thousand little peccadillos to confess to over the past 11 months, surely this must add up to a least a hundredweight of the precious black stuff by now, right? 

No gift cards, toiletries, fluffy bed socks for me this year – I’d even go as far as passing up the box of customary chocolate brazil nuts in exchange for several tons of slow burning charcoal to put in my new stove.  Okay, step away from the brazils, maybe that’s one concession too many…

 

My favourites

Whilst credit cards rev up on the sidelines ready for this weeks’ Black Friday shopping extravaganza, I’m busy fishing through the knicker drawer looking for thermal socks to prepare for White Friday, that chilly time of year when a smattering of snow sends the nation crashing into an icy vortex the likes of which we won’t stop complaining about until next July.  And then some. 

Special offers in this year’s Big White Friday sale include 20% off heat-seeking Tofu-eating Wokerati PJs, buy one get one free ticket to Equatorial Guinea and free gritter with every purchase of Kinder eggs.  

Hotter than July

These are the kind of bargains you really can’t afford to pass up.  Yes, that’s CAN’T AFFORD for those of you suffering from that little diagnosed condition called Money Blindness. 

Money Blindness is a cognitive condition that causes difficulties in perceiving and managing your own wealth often leading to penury, punctuality challenges (especially after you’ve pawned your watch) and planning issues (ducking out of social commitments you can’t fund).  

Sufferers of MB are to be socially prescribed scratchcards by overpaid consultants said a spokesperson for NHS England with about as much compassion as a used teabag.

My advice – if you ain’t got paid then don’t be swayed!  

Keep warm folks.

GETTING PLASTERED AGAIN

As Storm Ciaran batters West Sussex hot on the heels of Storm Babet, our lounge is in a tempest all of its own as the plasterers have descended en-masse and are scooting round the walls of the diner like whirling DIY dervishes.  I’m currently hiding upstairs in my bedroom keeping Bertie company.

 

Stripping the ceiling ready for plastering

It's a messy business

With all this damp weather perhaps now is not the greatest time to be getting the walls/ceilings re-skimmed but I’m sick of looking at all the cracks, crevices and craters that have become a regular feature of life since we moved to Chichester three years ago so we’ve bitten the bullet, ransacked the coffers and strong-armed the trades into ‘getting us done’ before Christmas.

 

Fed up of derelict decor

This is but part 1 of a two-part saga, with the lounge to be booked in for next year when hopefully the biblical floods have drained away.  No man is an island but parts of Bognor Regis have recently become one!  At least we now know our new soakaway is working, all garden rain water having soaked away efficiently leaving no trace of surface water.  The same cannot be said about Bognor Regis or even Hastings who are currently knee deep in the wet stuff!

Click & Collect?  By dinghy only

Plastering is not as easy as it looks.  I’ve got to admire the speed, dexterity and smooth finish left by our plasterers.  I’ve iced many a cake over the years but have never attempted to transpose those cake decorating skills to spreading plaster over a wall.  The technique looks similar albeit executed with larger palette knife/trowels and there’s no covering up one’s mistakes with a bit of extra buttercream. 

 

Before

After

Worse thing about fresh plaster is the smell.  It’s a cross between a wee sodden nappy and mouldy old feet.  And nobody likes wee sodden nappies… Ugh!    Then there’s the dampness.  It’s amazing how much water is contained in wet plaster.  No doubt my achy joints will be on arthritic alert later on and I hope there won’t be too many literary casualties as I’ve left most of my books on the bookshelf, only the vintage editions have been boxed up.

 

Before

After

Surprisingly, Shelby has slept through the whole ordeal despite her tortoise enclosure having been moved from pillar to post in the process of clearing out the diner.  

Oblivious to the mayhem around her

Lucky for some.  I’d love to be able to just wake up to find everything’s done, dusted and just ready for a springtime paint job.