Calm
down! Calm down! The scallies at the University of Liverpool
have just published research spuriously claiming that it only takes a fortnight
of couch surfing for you to be on the slippery slope to an early grave. So I’m sitting here wondering if I can find a
way to capitalise on this illuminating piece of media spin namely to get early
retirement on the basis that my office job is now as bad for you as a holiday
in Chernobyl.
Walk
to work? Of course I could, after all
the office is only a mere 10 miles away from home. I might have to leave a bit earlier in the
morning (say 5 am) and spend about £9,000 on a future knee replacement
operation but it would be a small sacrifice to make if I want to live to be a
hundred.
Better
still, I could persuade my boss to outsource my job to Mumbai where they seem
less bothered about the population’s inactivity levels or put in a business
case for automated treadmills to be fitted under each desk so that pen pushers like
me could spend the day spinning about like a hyperactive hamster whilst sitting
at the PC.
Shame
on you Daniel Cuthbertson! Nobody wants
to go back to washing their sheets in a bathtub and wringing them through a
mangle just to keep fit or satisfy the current trend for fat bashing. I dare say there are those out there who
could do with a bit of a rocket under their arses but if I found any potatoes
on my couch there’d be all hell to pay as we have a ‘no eating in front of the
telly’ policy here.
Perhaps
your research grant would have been better spent examining the correlation
between the inability to lose weight and all the antibiotics/steroids that are
pumped into the meat we eat. If the
animals we consume are super-sized thanks to all the Franken-food they’re given
then what hope is there for those that then tuck into these beasts?
“Don’t
just flop on the sofa at the weekend” advice printed in The Times on Good
Friday. Sofa? If only I could but after two solid days of
painting wallpaper, my joints are tighter than MI6’s recruitment policy and if
I sat down, I’d probably need a forklift to help me back up again. Now pass me a crème egg.
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| Painting wallpaper |
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| Extendable pole for those hard to reach places |
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| Upstairs hallway done |
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| Nutmeg white very subtle wall colour |
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| One step closer to completion |
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