POLICE STATE

Monday, March 30, 2020

POLICE STATE

Coronavirus Hotline. Sorry but all our operators are off sick right now. To help us pass the time, please choose from one of the following options:

Press 1 for Self-Isolation

Press 2 for Loo Roll Availability

Press 3 for Cooking with Salad Cream

Press 4 for Emergency Bank Loans

Press 5 for Makeshift Funeral Pyres

Press 6 for Chatty Kathy Lonely-hearts

Press 7 for Anything not pandemic related if that’s at all possible

Or hold until the next available operator recovers.

Ah, must have rung the wrong number there. I was trying to get through to NHS 111 to see how I could blag a couple of weeks off work but as the police said in The Times only the other day- this is a national emergency, not a national holiday. Pity.

The other half has been running the gauntlet dodging police patrols, dropping off Ebay parcels at the Hermes collection point just to keep my online sales ticking over and picking up essential supplies of things like cat litter on the way home. Can’t forget our furry friends even in these strange times, can we?

What pandemic?

Oy! That's less than 2 metres away

Interestingly he reported a shortage of cat litter so I hope people aren’t using it as a replacement for loo rolls but then again if it’s good enough for kitty then it’s good enough for humans too. I've always wanted to shit in a tray.

Sending my get well wishes to Boris, who is probably cooped up at no 11 with a limitless supply of champagne, truffles and a Brexit crossword to help him get over his sticky bun diagnosis. No DIY for him, I’m sure.

Meanwhile, back in the germ infested depths of Charminster, it’s a case of keep calm and paint. One coat of white matt emulsion on the ceiling plus a sprinkling of Deco Paradiso on the walls to use up surplus wallpaper and add a bit of texture to the otherwise plain walls and hey presto, our office now looks like an extension of the corridor.