Or rather it needs your money |
I've already sharpened the garden rake as there's nothing like a good scarifying to vanquish invaders.
This is no time to dither over whether or not to buy another cagoule in the Mountain Warehouse summer sale, the nation is on a war footing against the unseen foe I’ll have you know. Who is the enemy? Who indeed.
Since there are more fans at a Taylor Swift concert than soldiers in the UK army, it’s time to tax the population at large so the Government can throw oodles of £50 notes at the issue of national security. Britain needs you! Or rather it needs you (the taxpayer) to stump up financially once again but this time in the fight for freedom.
Sir Keir’s weekly defence shopping list looks something like this:
How we’re going to repel an enemy invasion when we can’t stop a few migrant boats crossing the channel is anyone’s guess but that’s not the point. The point is to be perceived to be ready to ‘whoop ass.’
We may be crap at everything but Britain is very good at ‘readiness’. No-one can drum up the national spirit like the British. After all, we have Vera Lynn recordings. Nothing like those blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover to make patriotic hearts and voices rise to the occasion.
This is no time to dither over whether or not to buy another cagoule in the Mountain Warehouse summer sale, the nation is on a war footing against the unseen foe I’ll have you know. Who is the enemy? Who indeed.
Since there are more fans at a Taylor Swift concert than soldiers in the UK army, it’s time to tax the population at large so the Government can throw oodles of £50 notes at the issue of national security. Britain needs you! Or rather it needs you (the taxpayer) to stump up financially once again but this time in the fight for freedom.
Sir Keir’s weekly defence shopping list looks something like this:
- Tea Bags
- Coffee
- Drones (lots)
- Nuclear Subs x 7
- Camo patterned jacket for future TV broadcasts
- Bombs, bangs, booms or anything else that explodes loudly
- X-boxes to entice UK youth to sign up for military service
- Loo rolls in case of national panic
How we’re going to repel an enemy invasion when we can’t stop a few migrant boats crossing the channel is anyone’s guess but that’s not the point. The point is to be perceived to be ready to ‘whoop ass.’
We may be crap at everything but Britain is very good at ‘readiness’. No-one can drum up the national spirit like the British. After all, we have Vera Lynn recordings. Nothing like those blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover to make patriotic hearts and voices rise to the occasion.
Guaranteed to rile up that fighting instinct |
Cynically I can’t help feeling that all of this effort and spending to bolster national defences is no more than a flimsy excuse to manufacture even more armaments to sell to the likes of Ukraine or Israel. Gotta be running low on ammo after all this time, right? Because the other thing that Britain is really, really good at is Arms Dealing and that means making stuff to sell to the highest bidder which costs money.
Supposing I was this ‘enemy’ that’s allegedly lurking in the wings waiting for the opportunity to acquire a nice little island territory, I certainly wouldn’t use an army to bring this country to its knees. Firstly, I would turn off the internet by shutting down all global data server centres then I’d blow up a few space satellites and cut all those undersea electricity cables sending power to the UK. With no comms or energy networks to charge up the robotic Olivers AI Army of the future, we’d be well and truly buggered!
If you thought April was Awful then just wait for the Apocalyptic Autumn. October’s Budget is going to be a real corker. Can’t see how Labour are going to get round their electoral pledge not to increase direct taxes on working people because surely a 3% increase in defence spending can only be realised by increasing the rate of Income Tax.