LEONARDSLEE GARDENS

Forget the budget, boats or bungling politicians for all of five minutes – it’s time to grab cagoule and camera to head off into the wilderness to blow away those mental cobwebs with a bit of autumnal therapy.

Where best to revel in the magnificent colours of autumn than exploring the meandering woodland pathways of Leonardslee Gardens near Horsham.

Welcome to Leonardslee Gardens

Enjoying the last rays of autumn at Leonardslee Gardens

Feel those delicious rays of sunlight caressing your cheeks or peeping through the leafy canopies of trees shedding their summer attire ready for wintry bedtime.

I'm not the only one enjoying the sunshine

Last rays of autumn

Breathe in the earthy scent as you stride along gravelly tracks looking out for wildlife lurking in the undergrowth.

Hmm... smells of moss and mushrooms

No deer spotted but plenty of pheasants or squirrels.

This pheasant's feathers make it almost seem invisible

A reminder that Christmas is coming

Look! A flame red leaf glistens like a ruby against brown foliage underfoot.

I've found a tree ruby

Another tree ruby

So many beautiful shapes and colours everywhere you gaze.

Glorious golden colours

Dive into tranquil waters

Drop your head back towards the sky (something you rarely do with a dodgy neck) to see the fabulous golden canopy of this Champion tree. It’s like a natural stained-glass window with its graceful branches contrasting beautifully against the blue.

The Champion Tree

There’s plenty of artistic surprises around every corner as the gardens also have sculptures nestled amongst the foliage. Just look at this cheeky chappy:

Or this super-sized foot reminding me that I’ve yet to chase up my NHS referral to Dr Clodhopper.

Best foot forward

Having hugged a few trees, shuffled through piles and piles of dry leaves, taken a million photos of bark, lakes and wallabies...

Eucalyptus tree up close

There are many lakes to discover on your travels

G'day mate

Yes, there's even a collection of these cute little furry jumpers – I feel amazingly invigorated.

Don't look now - it's the paparazzi

Leonardslee is a great place for peaceful re-connection with nature. 

The wonders of nature

I feel like dancing too

Good gravel paths, most not too steep so suitable for walkers of all ages or abilities. Small benches dotted around if you need a rest. I’m sure we’ll return to re-inspect the landscape once next year’s blooms have made an appearance.

See you again

You can’t beat Mother Nature when it comes to guiding you back to a more even keel. One thing’s for sure, autumn is never a dull season.

Autumn view across the trees

Hello kitty

I'd like one of these in my garden

TAX THRESHOLD RAID?

What is better – a bird in the hand or two in a bush?

Well, that rather depends from whose perspective you’re looking at it and in the case of the Chancellor, she’s eyeing up the two in the bush like a drooling hyena. Of course I don't mean real birds but tax thresholds.

Following this morning’s surprise U turn on the proposed income tax hike, desperate revenue raising measures are now needed to a) fill the mythical black hole and b) calm the stock markets.

There may have been a collective sigh of relief at the prospect of no direct income tax increase. Hand on heart, the Government can say it hasn’t broken its election manifesto pledges but what we can’t see are the fingers crossed behind their backs. There’s still time to break the pledge big time by effecting a pincer movement on tax in the form of indirect stealth increases.

On the one hand, pushing out the freeze on income tax thresholds for another few years will drag a lot of fish into the fiscal tax net including pensioners who rely solely on the state pension for their income. Whilst not directly increasing income tax rates, it is still a tax increase nonetheless for those who previously obtained money for nothing ie no or low productivity in the workplace.

Be careful what you wish for as the second scenario of lowering the income tax threshold will hurt more than paying an extra 2p in the pound. Let me elaborate further with a couple of examples:

Let’s say we have someone who earns a gross annual salary of £20,000. If the threshold for 20% income tax remains the same at £12,570 then tax would only be paid on the difference as follows:

Current tax rate and tax threshold 

You would only pay tax on £7,430 (total income minus threshold amount) which at a rate of 20% is approx. £1,486 per annum

Now let’s look at what happens to your tax bill if the income tax rate is increased by 2p from 20% to 22% but the threshold remains frozen at £12,570:

Tax up but threshold unchanged

With an increased tax rate, this person is now paying £149 more in income tax than if the rate had remained at 20%.

However, rewind the clock to the first example. The Treasury has decided to lower the income tax threshold by £1,000 to £11,570 leaving the income tax rate unchanged at 20%. What happens now?

Tax rate unchanged but threshold lowered

As you can see, lowering the threshold has increased the amount of tax payable because the chunk of money on which tax is calculated is larger. This person is now paying £200 more in income tax than if the rates or thresholds had stayed unchanged. The difference between paying 2p more in tax or having a lower threshold means you’ll be £51 worse off.

So, if I ask the same question again – which would be better, having a slight increase in the rate of taxation or having a lower income tax threshold then what’s your answer going to be?

My third scenario also means that if the threshold were reduced by £1,000 from next April, then the Treasury would benefit earlier from the effects of fiscal drag on the recent increase to the state pension as at £12,548 this would now push ALL retirees firmly into tax territory in 2026. As well as pushing all pensioners into the tax net, any low paid or part time workers could also be swept along by the tax tide making it pointless to work at all.

Having got a taste for it, there would be nothing to stop future Chancellors lowering the personal tax threshold figure again and again until it eventually disappears in a puff of smoke.  Perhaps this is their heinous master plan after all.

Even a small tweaking of the tax threshold may have a larger negative impact on your income than raising the basic rate of taxation so before you break out the champagne and canapes then I say again be very careful what you wish for. We may have escaped the income tax frying pan only to find an inferno beneath it!

LIZ FRANKS

Right, so I paid my £95 to a private health provider to get some quality time with an Orthopaedic doctor who just happens to be one the of local NHS consultants in the matter of foot or other limb associated problems.

After a lot of poking, prodding and painful pulling about of my little tootsies, he came to the conclusion that my foot trauma was not necessarily Arthur related but more likely to be caused by yet another unwelcome visitor called Liz Franks.

According to Dr Google, a Lisfranc injury can be a sprain, fracture or dislocation affecting the joints or ligaments midfoot in the general area of arch/toes. Precisely where I get excruciating pain on putting any weight evenly across my feet when walking. Called Lisfranc after a Napoleonic surgeon who no doubt amputated many a good foot from those afflicted by this condition.

To further investigate, I’d need to shell out £300 per foot for MRI scans – the cost of a Ryanair flight to sunnier climes or a small inflatable dinghy. Blimey! I might have found enough loose change down the back of the sofa for an initial consultation but £600 is one step beyond my limited means.

Not put off by my elevated eyebrows, the good doctor recommended getting an NHS referral via my GP to circumvent my financial necessity which as we all know translates into ‘it’ll be some time before we meet again’.

If I'm lucky, I may get passed over to Dr AI who at the speed of light may also be able to review all my other aches and pains as a holistic whole rather than piecemeal thus returning a more accurate diagnosis.  Had I identified as a horse then it would no doubt be a case of take her out into a field and shoot her but fortunately I'm feeling sleepy dormouse today so phew!

And so, dear readers, as I navigate the wonders of our surgery’s new online appointment system to request the suggested referral, I can only hope my foot hasn’t dropped off before I get to see the Orthopaedic chappie again.

ARTHUR RITIS

A while back I posted about the arrival of that most unwelcome guest Mutton Jeff but now it seems his long-lost cousin Arthur Ritis may have turned up on my doorstep.

For some time now I’ve been plagued by intermittent foot ache. These inexplicable aches and pains are not muscular in origin but deep down in the bone, largely in the joints below the big toe or across the top of the in-step.

It’s often said that people can forecast changes in the weather from the twinges in their feet. Maybe there’s some truth in this because it seems that when cold or damp are in the air, my feet telegraph their arrival with a medical morse code of their own.

By chance, I injured my right foot back in March resulting in an equally painful condition called PTTD - Posterior Tibial Tendon Dysfunction. This is a condition where the tibialis posterior tendon which supports the arch of the foot becomes inflamed and degenerates eventually leading to arch flattening and pain especially along the inner ankle.

At the time of my consultation with the physiotherapist at our local Musculoskeletal Clinic I raised the topic of bone pain and was advised thus:

The NHS no longer sends patients with suspected arthritis off for X-rays or blood tests because everyone suffers from one form or other of arthritis as they age largely due to wear and tear of joints. And in any case, even if you DID happen to have arthritis there’s no treatment other than to take painkillers then grin and bear it so hop it. Quite literally.

This ‘sorry no can do’ refrain is becoming the ever-increasing go to statement of the NHS. NO you can’t have a Covid jab. NO we can't give blokes a prostate screening test.  NO we can’t do anything about your dodgy neck or ropey feet. NO we can’t give you any of the latest medications for dementia etc. 

In fact, NO is probably the most widely used word in the medical profession today. It’s no wonder the younger generation are resorting to private practice because what else is there to do?

Now I don’t know about you but when someone says ‘NO’ to me without sufficient justification that’s like red rag to a bull and usually results in my charging off like a mad cow that’s been bitten by a tubercular badger (sorry Brian). Yep, I’ve followed the herd and booked a private consultation with an orthopaedic specialist for advice on how best to deal with Arthur.

Of course, what perhaps Two-Tier Health Kier or his crony Wes don’t realise is that eventually if everyone in the land resorts to private medicine it’s likely to result in NHS services having to close due to lack of patients. No point building new hospitals unless you’re going to lease them to the private sector because they’ll be empty.

I can’t even chant ‘people before profit’ in this post as the NHS should be a non-profit making organisation that is there to serve the nation but it all boils down to money – the lack of plus accusations that in the past the NHS has been guilty of over-diagnosis and over-medication of the population. Naturally, it’s knee jerked completely to the opposite extreme by not diagnosing or treating anything leaving everyone suffering in the meantime.

I may as well open up a boarding house for all those other unwelcome health visitors likely to darken my door in the coming years. Right, let's see who else might be coming to town. Ah, there’s Dee Menshia, Al Zeimer, Lee Kee Bladda, Kid Neeinfection, Kat Aracts, Nee Payne and her bro, Ken Hip.

With all of these lovely guests to look forward to, one thing's for sure at least I’ll never be lonely!

WAFFLE BOMB

There’s a new kind of dessert in town called a Waffle Bomb that’s not to be trifled with.

Waffle Bomb - guaranteed to make you feel sick

A Waffle Bomb is one of those puddings whose appearance trumps substance. Having been concocted for the greater good of the nation, it’s not sugar coated, lacks chocolate, whippy cream or sprinkles and is in fact devoid of any palatable ingredients. In short, you’d be better off eating your own leg rather than this piece of puff.

Which is what we’ll all be doing after the 26th November if Rachel from Accounts goes ahead with her hinted income tax rise. The tabloids are already suggesting 2p in the pound more on rates of income tax but don’t clarify if this will be across all tax bands or just the highest. Rumours suggest this increase may be offset by a 2p reduction in National Insurance contributions.

In essence, anyone not working (pensioners, landlords, etc) but with annual income of over £12,570 which these days is pretty much everyone will be forced to consume the Waffle Bomb but those paying NI can pass on dessert since their tax position will almost be netted out.

I can already foresee a mass exodus particularly of part time/semi-retired workers like myself who earn just above the personal allowance threshold preparing to leave employment in order to mitigate future tax bills. It just won’t be worth earning anything over £12,570 if you have to continually give more of it away to the Treasury. Cash in hand will be king. Growth and productivity will drop like a lead balloon.

I’m throwing out all of my old padded retro 80’s jackets because there appears to be a perception out there that those with the broadest shoulders are retired baby boomers. Shoulder pads are out! Clearly, Rach seems to think our ‘gold plated’ private pensions are there to solve all her economic woes forgetting how many long hours (and wage tax) most of us had to put in in order to reap the rewards in later years. I feel its double taxation however you look at it.

If the additional revenue raised was to be spent wisely fixing any number of the ‘broken’ systems faced by the UK, it would make the Waffle Bomb easier to swallow but when you read populist press articles about how much is being squandered on debt repayment, propping up ailing industries, compensation payments for national scandals, handouts to foreign countries (France & Rwanda), leasing Diego Garcia from Mauritius, net zero – the list is lengthy, costly and doesn’t sit well with those struggling to make ends meet.

I’ve never really had a sweet tooth so Waffle Bombs won’t be a menu choice and in the new year, I’ll certain be looking into how I can follow a ‘low tax’ dietary regime.

LOO TOPPER

Black Friday special – inflatable dinghy half price!

Perfect for a bob in the Solent

I’m thinking of buying a rubber dinghy to float across the Solent to Dover where I plan to ‘surrender’ myself to Border Force as a Spanish speaking migrant in order to cut my living costs.

Whilst billeted in my luxury hotel (Savoy if you please), I’ll commit a few crimes such as abusing the receptionist for having a face like a wet weekend plus a racist attitude or touching up the waiter as he serves the lobster and crab bisque.

Once I’ve decided on a suitable country for deportation then I’ll kick up an almighty fuss at the airport to get handsomely paid to be a ‘good’ girl before flying off for a well-earned holiday at the taxpayer’s expense.

Whilst this might sound like the most ludicrous suggestion this side of Christmas, it’s a plan that obviously works for some…

Meanwhile back in the bog, it’s a different story. Why oh why does everything DIY always have to be so difficult?

A rubber dinghy not being a solution to our monster loo topper problem, I thought the obvious way forward would be to purchase a small bit of worktop. Easier said than done when most laminate worktops are supplied in lengths longer than the 86 cms we need and no-one’s selling any suitable offcuts. Not even Ebay and I’m certainly not paying £100 to any enterprising Etsy sellers for a bespoke top.

Once again, it’s pine-board to the rescue. I’ve purchased a suitable plank measuring 1.15 m long x 40 cm wide that can be cut down to size then either painted or stained accordingly. At just under £15, significantly cheaper than a full-blown laminate worktop and is likely to look just as good.

Make your own topper from planking

Now all we’ve got to do is prepare a cutting template that takes into account any tapering then job’s a good ‘un.

Cut to size then paint or stain

LOO STORAGE - PART II

Oh My Days - you just couldn’t make it up!

How exactly does one ‘accidentally’ release a criminal awaiting deportation? I mean, I can understand how a scarlet sock might accidentally end up in the white wash especially if distracted by naughty kitties whilst emptying the laundry basket but this? Bring back Spitting Image as this scenario would make a cracking episode.

Naughty kitty?  Not me, I was asleep all the time

Whilst the incompetent numpties at Whitehall vote on whose arse deserves the biggest kicking, it’s back to snagging for us.

We’ve been a little luckier with the left-hand side of the toilet unit which as luck would have it has a gap that is approx. 200 mm wide, a universal size for small cabinets. Thank goodness for that.

Hurrah!  A standard sized gap to fill

But before counting chickens (one, two, three, five….) there’s the small task of finding a cabinet in a white gloss finish that will satisfy the following criteria – must be 200 mm wide and not break the bank.

What would we do without Ebay? After more trawling than the French fishing fleet, I eventually dredged up a listing for a white cabinet for around £50 which just happened to be 200 mm wide but taller than desired. Quick! Page the local doctor before they go on strike again. Open cabinet surgery needed for patient to fit neatly into the gap. Private treatment not an option.

Several cups of tea later – the ‘black hole’ has been plugged. Rachel take note.

Chopped down cabinet fits a treat

Ok so it’s a bit of a Frankenstein monster when looking from above but never fear, a solution is probably near. 

We've created a monster

Can’t have an uneven mish-mash of cobbled together units spoiling the overall effect of making our creature look like it’s part of a custom-built all-in-one storage solution. A small bit of worktop should do the trick.

 

BOGGED DOWN

Hurrah! DIY is back on the cards.

I live for those days when I can throw on my multi-pocket combats, grab a tape measure then spend the rest of the day dreaming up new innovations for my little hobbit hole.

Occasionally I even receive feedback on my blog posts much to my utter surprise as I essentially use this blog almost as a form of writing therapy as well as a means of letting my nearest and dearest know that I’m still alive and kicking. Only just!

Thanks to everyone who messaged to say they found our DIY projects inspiring and enjoyed reading about our adventures in DIY-Land. Feedback is always appreciated.  It’s great to think others are reading this little blog then grabbing their own tools to go off and beautify their homes. Honestly, it’s amazing what you can do with a bit of an idea and some online inspiration.

With year end rapidly approaching, the spotlight is back on the downstairs loo. Snagging is the name of the game. It’s the one part of any project that seems to take forever. Once the initial enthusiasm’s gone off the boil, it’s almost impossible to dredge up motivation to bring a project to successful closure. Ten months on and yep, work on our luxurious loo motors on slower than one of those oversized caravans on its way to the coast.

Isn't it done yet?

First to be tackled – the unsightly pipes under the hand basin. 

Just look at those awful pipes!

Previously these had been hidden away with some long clunky boxing but I’ve decided to make these into a decorative feature by painting them gold using Dulux Metallic Gold paint.

Perfect for glitzing up old pipes

A rich antique gold colour, this paint goes on smoothly on both metal or plastic making it easy to transform unsightly pipes into something special. Two coats are enough to get a good even finish. Bit stinky so ensure you open a window before applying.

Used to paint both copper and plastic piping

Look great after two good coats of gold paint

Then there’s the question of storage or rather lack of. In such a small room it’s not easy to incorporate much needed cupboards or shelving for all those bottles of bleach or cleaning fluids one likes to keep to hand to spritz up toilets. Time to get creative in a bid to make best use of the gaps either side of the back to wall toilet unit.

On the right-hand side of the loo unit there is a very narrow space just about big enough for a toilet brush holder. Unfortunately, the gap isn’t big enough to house any ready-made cupboards so the other half has fashioned a slimline storage unit to fit the available space which is less than 150 mm wide.

Filling the small gap

A not quite so snug fit made harder by tapering dimensions on all sides but it will do the trick.

A curse on uneven walls and floors

Chin scratch – now what to do with the other side?

GOING SOLAR? MAYBE

Going solar down in Chicapulco to turn those high bills round.

For the past 6 months, I’ve been dedicated to the quest of looking into solar energy because I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way you’re ever going to bring those high energy costs down is by generating your own power. If only I could erect a wind turbine in the back garden to make the most of those persistent Chichester gusts!

Blessed with a south east facing back roof that gets non-stop sunshine all summer long (when not raining) then I guess we’d be foolish not to take advantage of the potential to generate lots of lovely ‘free’ energy plus earn a few extra quid selling any surpluses back to the grid. What’s not to like?

Perfect for solar panels

Aside from the cost of the installation, I was all set to sign on the dotted solar line when one of the installers I’d approached for a quote dropped the magic phrase into the conversation which stopped me dead in my tracks.

‘Bloody hells bells’ spluttered the other half into his partially drunk glass of cider. ‘There’ll be no shutting her up after this!’

You might well ask what could have been said in the conversation that stopped the rampaging rhino. It was the phrase – “propping up the grid”.

Rewind to a point months earlier during mid solar research. Surfing the solar wave, I discovered a few things I really didn’t like all that much:

Firstly, in order to fully benefit from any export tariffs, solar customers who wish to sell their surplus power back to the grid need to have a smart meter installed. You all know my thoughts on smart meters. I’d rather stick a prickly pear up my arse than have one of those faulty spy devices installed.

Secondly, there’s something called VPP and that’s what scared the crap out of my solar plans. Your energy system including power stored in your solar batteries could be accessed remotely by something called a Virtual Power Plant. Did you know this?

During periods of high energy demand on the grid, the VPP could essentially pull the energy rug from right under your feet leaving you sucked dry of power when you might need it most. It does this by remotely accessing your system using software that controls not just your solar set up but that of loads of other people, aggregating the power to form a large central cyber power plant. Hence the ‘propping up the grid’.

Rather than establish proper cable connections from all those wind or solar farms being propped up by Government finance, energy suppliers could be nicking your stored electricity straight from your batteries because these will already be linked into the Grid. Naturally, it will use the smart spying device sitting smugly in your garage or meter cupboard to root out anyone that’s sitting on solar spoils and then it will shamelessly strip you of them.

Thirdly, there could come a time in the future when energy suppliers stop paying you for surplus electricity especially when that new nuclear power station is built or when there is so much free leccy sloshing about that the Grid just won’t be interested in taking any more on. As a nation, we’re already paying wind farms to switch off when there’s excess supply but low demand so why would the Grid or anyone else for that matter want to pay you? They’ll source power from organisations contracted with the Government to supply power. Or they’ll just taper off all feed-in tariffs once they have enough solar suckers automatically feeding the power-hungry grid monster. Once you’re dangling on the line, there’s no getting off the hook – they’ll just reel you in.

I don’t know about you but if I wanted to generate electricity for the nation then I’d have set myself up in business as an energy supplier. I’m definitely not looking to be a ‘grid propper-upper’ or the like. All I want is to knock a few quid off my own bills by being energy self-sufficient.

What puts me off even more is the UK’s irrational fear of missing out on the global AI fad. Once all those data centres pepper our green and pleasant land, the Grid is likely to be hunting out any pockets of power to ensure the fire of these data dragons doesn’t go out. It’s not going to care if you’ve opted into a VPP arrangement or not, it’ll probably just steal your electricity regardless because AI data centres will be far more important than you or I.

And so, dear readers, this is the dilemma – to solar or not to solar? Should I bite the £10K bullet but risk losing my lovely leccy to the shameless VPP grabbing hands or should I just continue being a power slave to the God of Electrification?

PERSON WITH ...

A recent news article that appeared on the BBC website regarding ‘disabled people’ caught my eye the other day giving rise to a lot of head nodding and feelings of empathy for those folks who like me are labelled ‘disabled’ by society. I think the correct term now is ‘person with’ ….

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4gz9njvj43o

As a person with a mechanical condition (dodgy neck) that is classed as a disability under the Disability Discrimination Act, I am well familiar with the search for non-existent part time jobs that might fit around my physical limitations.

It’s unbelievable that neither Government (nor Job Centre) had not foreseen that a lack of suitable situations was always going to be a major stumbling block to whittling down disability benefits by getting people with physical limitations back into the workplace.

Employers shell out almost as much in taxes/on costs for a part timer as they do for a full-time member of staff so naturally, they’re not going to want to take on anyone that’s not providing value for money.  That's why many are so keen on robots.

Ask your boss for time off to attend medical appointments then step back to observe their body language. Whilst sympathy might ooze out verbally, facial expressions tell otherwise. You can almost hear their thoughts – not another visit to the … (insert relevant medical department). God that’s the third one this month!

Being a person with physical limitations then I’m obliged to disclose all my ills on every application form/medical questionnaire during the recruitment process for fear of leading prospective employers up the garden path. What I’d really love to say in support of my case is that I’m keen, hard-working, rarely take time off sick in relation to my dodgy neck or hands but I just can’t sit and type for 7 hours a day like other people can. All I need is a chance to prove myself. Of course, having done the decent up-front disclosure thingy I suspect my application form just ends up in the circular file (bin).

If the NHS found ways of fixing all of us mechanically maligned peeps then we’d be more than fit for duty but musculoskeletal disorders are way down their list of priorities even though they are probably the most common reason for people with physical limitations not taking up employment opportunities.

Employers might be more inclined to take us on if they were offered a financial incentive rather like an apprenticeship levy to make up for lost productivity due to medical appointments or flare ups. Since the Government have blown their budget then I can’t see there being a disability premium given to businesses so they can take on less-than-perfect workers.

I’d even go as far as saying that there is likely to be a statistical correlation between money spent on fixing sick people and unemployment. The less you spend on repairing the workforce, the greater the incapacity of workers resulting in higher benefit expenditure.

Rather than berating employers for not taking on people with physical limitations or suggesting that we’re all work dodgers, it would be better to get all those AI super computers to analyse the underlying health causes of benefit claimants then task them to come up with more effective ways of sorting out those problems. Once you’ve crunched the data, you might then begin to put together an effective plan to boost employment amongst the disabled community.

Otherwise, I can't see it getting any better.  Can you?

CRUMBLE-GATE

Definitely not cut out for a career in care work.  The other half will affirm that I'm more Attila the Hun than Florence Nightingale.  The word 'sympathy' didn't make this years personal dictionary.

This remarkable discovery is the result of aged mother’s desire to join the travelling circus by taking up tumbling in the back garden. The silly old dear could easily have died of hypothermia had my sister not arrived on the scene in the nick of time. After a long, stressful night of rushed conversations on the family jungle grapevine, mother is now under 24/7 surveillance.

Instant promotion for yours truly to personal shopper, batch cooker, bin emptier, patio sweeper and fitness instructor. Early morning wake up calls my speciality. Tea and chat on the hour every hour. Apples to be cleared off the lawn to stop the neighbourhood rat taking a nibble out of each one. The list of chores grows daily.

Think this is easy? Let’s throw in working from home between the hours of 7 am and 10 am too just to keep you on your toes. I’m sure the district nursing team who turn up on the doorstep each morning around 9.00 am are used to me opening the front door in a set of mismatched PJs, with hair that makes Beetlejuice look well groomed.

After two weeks of waiting hand and foot on dearest mama, I’m exhausted. She’s spent a fortnight in business class whilst I’ve been stuck in the worst kind of economy seat. Hats off to those folks who do this for a living. Give me a spreadsheet any time!

Things I’ve learnt in my new career as Help the Aged:

Old people are insanely stubborn. There are more compliant mules out there and in fact, I reckon it would be a lot easier to persuade mules to take up underwater knitting than to encourage elderly peeps to make changes for the better like using the expensive walking equipment I’ve just shelled out for.

Elderly logic is like a complicated algebraic equation – almost impossible to get your head round.

Crumble-Gate is just one example of this. Let me give you a taster of this by recalling an episode that took place as I was peeling an industrial quantity of apples harvested from the lawn to prepare a scrummy batch of mini apple crumbles to store in the freezer.

Mum - ‘What’s that you’re cooking?’

Me - ‘Well, I thought I’d make some lovely apple crumbles for dad’

Mum - ‘Your dad doesn’t eat crumble.’

Me - ‘Really? But you’ve always made him crumbles in the past.’

Mum - ‘He won’t eat them because he’s on a diet.’

Me - ‘Ok. If he’s on a diet then why does he scoff a whole large bar of chocolate every night? Surely that’s fattening?’

Mum - ‘He only eats chocolate because there wasn’t any after the Spanish civil war.’

Me - ‘Right so he’s not on a diet then.’

Mum – ‘Your dad doesn’t want to get fat. He just likes chocolate.’


I continue my one-woman British bake off determined my crumbles should qualify for a Hollywood Handshake. I know dad is going to love tucking into these since I have fond recollections of him nicking all our sweets in years gone by. He’s always had a sweet tooth.

Half an hour later, the delicious smell of cinnamon apples fills the kitchen. Mum has long forgotten our Crumble-Gate conversation as we’ve now entered into a geriatric ground-hog day parallel universe where the same sentence has been on a continual repeat loop for the past 15 minutes. Honest, it’s hard not to say ‘yes, you’ve just said that’ but I bite my tongue and just um and ah in the right places.

I’ve also discovered that oldies are devious masters in the art of procrastination. As mum’s newly designated fitness instructor it’s been impossible to find the right way of actually getting her to do the small daily exercise regime prescribed by the Physiotherapy Team. I’m amazed at the lengths she’ll go to in order not to do them including appearing completely starkers one morning claiming she couldn’t do her fitness because she wasn’t properly dressed. Head slap. I’ve seen it all now! Muuuuummmmm!

Patience is a virtue. Mine is now in short supply. Anyone for crumble?

STANDING CHARGES, SITTING DUCKS

It’s been a while since I had a little rantette about one of my favourite soap box topics – energy.  Whilst there’s no DIY to do then here goes…

Martin Lewis is disappointed. Poor bloke. Tries his hardest to convince Ofgem or the Government to make things fairer for us all on the energy front but his efforts just fall on deaf ears. What’s getting his goat this time? Standing Charges.

You can take a regulator to water but you can’t make it drink. And in the case of Ofgem, I wouldn’t have even bothered. Or I’d have pee’d in the trough beforehand!

The difficulty Ofgem face is that they are desperately trying to serve 3 masters: The Government, Energy Suppliers and the Consumer in that order. We’re at the very bottom of the pecking order and likely to remain thus until the end of time.

As Martin clearly points out in his latest newsletter, having consulted endlessly on energy and asking us all what we want done to make standing charges fairer, Ofgem is getting ready to press the feather pillow down firmly over our energy consuming faces to smother any possibility of changes benefitting consumers particularly the vulnerable.

I feel for the bloke as he's one of my heroes but ever the cynic and having bombarded Ofgem with emails myself as part of public consultations then I always felt these exercises were no more than lip service. A sop to the public. It’s that kind of ‘look we’re trying to do something about all this energy nonsense’ but with no actual intention of doing anything that might rock the boat with their other two paymasters.

And as I’ve blogged ‘til I’m blue in the face (channelling my inner smurf) on things like standing charges – the biggest stumbling block Ofgem face to reducing these is Government policy itself. Stealth green levies and all those other things snuck into our bills. Therein lies the problem.

Granted the cost of running the National Grid and infrastructure to supply energy has to be paid for by every consumer. I’m more than happy for that to be kept in as a ‘standing charge’ on energy bills it’s the other crap that gets lumped into this category that needs to be sorted.

Martin’s diagram showing a breakdown of what typically makes up your standing charges explains it rather clearly:

Breakdown of a typical standing charge

If you were to deduct those amounts from bills that make up what I deem to be items that shouldn’t form part of a standing charge such as:

Policy costs - £22.10

Adjustment Allowance – 90p

Payment Method Uplift - £9.80

Headroom Allowance - £2.80


That would knock at least £35 off your standing charge straight away.

Policy costs ie the stealth green levies, propping up the elderly or keeping work dodgers warm should be paid for out of general taxation or met from any energy windfall taxes levied by the Government.

Consumers should not be responsible for debts or provision for the unexpected as suppliers should be setting monies aside from the Profit segment to cover these things.

And as for the Payment Method Uplift. That’s a bit of a hefty chunk isn’t it and should already form part of the Operating Costs segment. As long as customers pay their bills, do we really need a surcharge for the different methods of paying it?

In reality, too much is woven into the existing standing charge that perhaps should not be in there in the first place and that’s what makes it a minefield to unravel.

No mention of Social Tariffs for the vulnerable coming out of any of the consultations. Of course not; that would be too logical and not make anyone any money would it?

Standing charges, sitting ducks. Whatever way you slice it or dice it, the money’s got to come from somewhere for someone. The Government would prefer all of us to foot the bill for the vulnerable which is why those that can pay their bills are subsiding those that can’t. This is again hidden in that Policy Costs segment. How else can they offer winter fuel payments or warmer homes discounts to those on benefits without hiking up taxes?

I may as well give 90 yr old Doris fifty quid every month just so she can toast her teacakes on the gas fire to have with her Horlicks every afternoon whilst I shiver in my shreddies unable to switch the boiler on. This is basically what standing charges amount to.

Good luck Martin in trying to convince Ofgem to change things for the better. We’re all grateful that someone’s got the energy to fight this battle because my candle’s burnt out at both ends!  Quack!  Quack!

WRITTEN IN THE STARS

Not that long ago, I splashed out on a cheapie tabloid to see what populist rubbish was being spoon fed to the masses and was amazed to read in that days’ horoscope that I was about to receive a large sum of money.

How large?

Woo hoo! In almost 5 minutes flat, I’d mentally spent every penny of it in a flurry of online purchases, extravagant gestures and bunging a few quid to my favourite relatives, charities, street beggars or anyone else I felt to be deserving of my financial largesse.

No matter that this horoscope applied to every other sea goat reading this paper or that a specific amount hadn’t been foretold. It could be a tenner or ten million for all I cared, the fact is that just reading about it in a horoscope made it seem all the more certain.

Could such an event truly be written in the stars? I mean we all know deep down that horoscopes aren’t really true, are they? Let’s face it, you could probably fit any set of circumstances into a Mystic Meg prediction because our minds are simply programmed into solving puzzles or looking for connections however tenuous.

Let’s apply some ‘scientific’ reasoning to this potentially wondrous piece of good fortune, dissecting it line by line to test the theory:

The receipt of a large sum of money will allow you to pay off loans and debts that have been a burden for far too long.

My first thought in analysing this sentence is where or whom will the cash come from? There are no bank errors likely to be in my favour, the tax man only rings once and that’s to collect and I don’t believe in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. My parents are older than Methuselah but tighter than a jar of pesto sauce so I can’t imagine there’d be any pre-IHT gifting coming from that quarter. Maybe I’ll just stumble across a fiver on the pavement or under a sofa cushion.

Perhaps the ’loans and debts’ could be referring to the credit agreement that’s still outstanding on the new upstairs carpets. I don’t consider it a burden since it was only to borrow a small sum and as we only re-carpeted last year then that can hardly be considered ‘far too long’ can it?

Going forward, you need to make it a priority to live within your means.

Really sound advice given that we’re all in the midst of this never-ending cost of living crisis but hardly an astrological revelation. When those email alerts drop into Outlook announcing another legendary tour of some band you’ve always wanted to see or have already seen a zillion times (Depeche Mode) then delete, delete, delete. Nobody really lives within their means all the while there is credit to be had.


Do this and you will avoid accumulating more debt.


Well, it stands to reason doesn’t it that if you don’t overspend then you won’t be racking up any tabs anywhere that’ll need paying back. You don’t need Nostradamus to point that one out, it should be as plain as the nose on your face. Unless you’re someone or something that doesn’t have a nose. A potato for instance or a walnut whip. Only then could you be excused for buying a gold-plated toilet on tick.

It’s been several months since my astrological chart predicted I might be richer than Rockefeller yet I’m still waiting for this monetary miracle to occur. 

Written in the stars my arse!

ID? I DO

Smash the gangs! Sink the boats! Stone the crows!

The populist battle cries echoing throughout modern Britain in 2025. Everywhere you look there’s nothing but wars, riots, outrage or hatred. I’ve not seen this level of civil discontent since the 1970s. When will it all end? More importantly, where will it all end?

Digital ID cards for all workers – apparently. This is the newest answer to whatever the problem is much to the consternation of the purse-lipped, finger wagging, bleeding-heart do-gooding fraternity. Even before the ink of their latest civil liberties infringement petition has barely dried, the nutter lobby is already proclaiming an Orwellian Big Brother state.

Pause to think a mo before you jump on a soapbox screaming that your personal freedom is being eroded faster than a stick of seaside rock being sucked away by a trout-pout teenager. How can these people even suggest such a thing when every one of us has a birth certificate registering our existence lodged in some super computer/ledger/filing cabinet somewhere.

So, you don’t mind carrying a smartphone with you every minute of the day (ie a personal GPS tracker by any other name) but there’s no way you’d carry an ID card. Oh the delicious irony of it all!

NI number, NHS number, phone number, driving licence, passport, store or bank cards, etc, etc – mate it’s too late to start moaning that you’re just a number and not a free man because whether you like it or not society is built on numerical parameters. For law. For order. For the means of locating anyone or anything. It’s just the way it is.

Still Here Keir is desperately trying to shut the stable door albeit all the donkeys have bolted. Let’s at least give the man a fighting chance. If you’ve got nothing to hide then what’s the problem? Although according to my paranoid family they’ve already arrived at the conclusion that these ID cards (likely to be renewable) may be something else we will all have to pay for in future thus creating a lucrative money spinner for the Treasury.

As I see it, if you want to know exactly WHO is in your country then rather than digital ID cards for all workers perhaps the Government should consider the following:

Digital or plastic ID cards for all persons arriving illegally in the UK that include a unique identifying number, photo and finger-print. Even whilst they wait for their asylum claims to be processed, they could still be made identifiable particularly as I suspect that any relevant documents pertaining to new arrivals are likely to be nothing more than a soggy mass floating in the English Channel. Come on – they don’t really want us to properly identify them because that makes it easier to slip into the murky black market economy like thieves in the night.

Ellis Island in the US was historically an immigration inspection and processing station and I can’t understand why Britain has not set up an equivalent to deal with the process of documenting all those who have arrived illegally on our shores. This would at least provide much needed jobs and tax revenues for the nation.

Re-introduce the requirement that all those with one of the above ID cards report to their local Police Station every six months. Back in the 1960s this is exactly what LEGAL migrants like my parents had to do in order to maintain their right to stay and work in the UK.

Legislate accordingly. Establish a Right to Work in the UK Act then roll out a system to every employer in the land whereby they have to list all new recruits and affirm they’ve carried out all necessary checks under this new UK legislation. Non-compliance to be punishable with a hefty fine used to offset the costs of migrant processing or issuing ID cards.

Abolish ‘cash in hand’ jobs or cash only establishments by including this requirement in any current employment or tax legislation. Spot check those industries where this type of employment is rife. If employers (including small businesses) cannot produce a payroll substantiating who is on their books then close them down.

Scrap NI numbers and instead introduce individually numbered mini birth certificates so that everyone born on this turf is registered from day 1. These could act as ID cards and the unique number could then supersede the existing system of NI numbers once you begin earning. You will become a number not a name but at least this system would allow all relevant agencies to keep consistent standardised records along your lifetime.

I do think national ID cards are a good idea and long overdue. I’m all for it. Happy to be a number since I’m already a number to just about every important establishment in my life – employer, doctor, tax man, bank etc. Other countries have been using national ID cards for decades with no major insurrections or qualms about civil liberties being infringed so why is it only the UK that gets so uppity about this issue?

Honestly, I do believe there are some people whose sole purpose in life is to continually throw spanners in the works. In my experience problems only get solved with a straight forward common-sense approach that allows no room for loop-holes or errors.

Perhaps all those who sign civil liberties petitions could be asked to provide their suggestions for how the documentation/identification of illegals should be dealt with or maybe they’ve just got too much to hide. When push comes to shove, it’s always 'cat got your tongue' for the previously most vocal.