WAR!!

Stand by your beds with pitchforks at the ready – Britain Needs You! 

Or rather it needs your money

I've already sharpened the garden rake as there's nothing like a good scarifying to vanquish invaders.

This is no time to dither over whether or not to buy another cagoule in the Mountain Warehouse summer sale, the nation is on a war footing against the unseen foe I’ll have you know. Who is the enemy? Who indeed.

Since there are more fans at a Taylor Swift concert than soldiers in the UK army, it’s time to tax the population at large so the Government can throw oodles of £50 notes at the issue of national security. Britain needs you! Or rather it needs you (the taxpayer) to stump up financially once again but this time in the fight for freedom.

Sir Keir’s weekly defence shopping list looks something like this:

• Tea Bags
• Coffee
• Drones (lots)
• Nuclear Subs x 7
• Camo patterned jacket for future TV broadcasts
• Bombs, bangs, booms or anything else that explodes loudly
• X-boxes to entice UK youth to sign up for military service
• Loo rolls in case of national panic

How we’re going to repel an enemy invasion when we can’t stop a few migrant boats crossing the channel is anyone’s guess but that’s not the point. The point is to be perceived to be ready to ‘whoop ass.’

We may be crap at everything but Britain is very good at ‘readiness’. No-one can drum up the national spirit like the British. After all, we have Vera Lynn recordings. Nothing like those blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover to make patriotic hearts and voices rise to the occasion.

Guaranteed to rile up that fighting instinct

Cynically I can’t help feeling that all of this effort and spending to bolster national defences is no more than a flimsy excuse to manufacture even more armaments to sell to the likes of Ukraine or Israel. Gotta be running low on ammo after all this time, right? Because the other thing that Britain is really, really good at is Arms Dealing and that means making stuff to sell to the highest bidder which costs money.

Supposing I was this ‘enemy’ that’s allegedly lurking in the wings waiting for the opportunity to acquire a nice little island territory, I certainly wouldn’t use an army to bring this country to its knees. Firstly, I would turn off the internet by shutting down all global data server centres then I’d blow up a few space satellites and cut all those undersea electricity cables sending power to the UK. With no comms or energy networks to charge up the robotic Olivers AI Army of the future, we’d be well and truly buggered!

If you thought April was Awful then just wait for the Apocalyptic Autumn. October’s Budget is going to be a real corker. Can’t see how Labour are going to get round their electoral pledge not to increase direct taxes on working people because surely a 3% increase in defence spending can only be realised by increasing the rate of Income Tax.

Paving the way for tax rises

Better buy those Christmas presents now in the summer sales as there’s likely to be even less money in your pocket before December rolls round.

FLYING CRANES

Crouching tabby, hidden pipework. 

Motivation to continue with toilet project – zero!

I'm wearing an invisibility cloak

The saga of the downstairs cloakroom continues. If this was a TV programme we’d probably be on series 6 by now, producers having milked every ounce of sweat from this project. What should have been a week’s work for a professional bathroom company is now entering its 6th month and with every day that passes, the desire to pull on my DIY clothes wanes.

Yep, I do have a special outfit for these tasks. It’s as grubby as hell but when you’re scrabbling about on all fours in lofts, gardens or jumping up or down ladders like Challenge Annika then it’s perfect. Hasn’t been washed in months, possibly years. There’s no ‘whooosh of freshness’ in this T-shirt or once black leggings. They do Pong!!

Not that I care because as far as I’m concerned what you do in your own home is your business, a bit like wallpapering toilets. Some people do and some people wouldn’t in a million years. I’m doing it because I fell in love with this most gorgeous wallpaper and just had to have it somewhere in my home.

It’s called Flying Cranes Navy by Grandeco Life and in my view, it’s just fabulous.

Flying Cranes

Large blousy white peony type flowers ramble across a rich deep blue background colour. Gold geometric shapes peep out from behind jade green foliage. White long necked cranes with delicate feathery wings flap across this papery landscape adding a touch of oriental style. The photos don’t do this paper justice, it truly is beautiful.

I’ve teamed up Flying Cranes with a deep blue shade of paint called ‘Keep The Peace’ from Valspar. 

'Keep The Peace' perfect match to the wallpaper

Not wanting to complicate my life by attempting to wallpaper the back window wall, I’ve painted it dark blue and just wallpapered the side walls.

Before painting

Painted back wall

It’s such a small room it took just over 1 roll to paper both side walls plus the section above the doorway.

Hanging the paper

Pattern matching not too bad if you use the bird wings as a reference point. My wallpapering experience is pretty much zero and although I followed all instructions, some join lines were visible after drying.

Looks great on the wall

To minimise the visibility of these, I used a small brush and some of the navy paint to carefully touch up the worst offenders. Apply the paint minimally then lightly dab with a soft cloth taking care not to rip the paper. There. You can hardly see the lines!

If I hadn't been recycling the unused teal kitchen tiles, I probably would have used white metro tiles with navy blue grout under the wallpaper as I feel that would also have been a great decor combination with these flying cranes.

Now there’s just the issue of unsightly pipework to deal with.

What to do with all these unsightly pipes?

To reduce the amount of pipework that might need boxing in, I’ve decided to make the most of the exposed pipes by incorporating some of them into the overall decorative scheme. Since the wallpaper features gold geometric shapes, I’ve painted the pipework in gold metallic paint. 

Don't hide pipes - paint them!

Gold pipework looks nice against the teal tiles and will compliment the other gold fixtures/fittings such as taps and lighting.

CLOTH EARS

Hard of hearing. Eh? What’s that you say?

Since hitting 60, little changes once unnoticed have stealthily been making their way to the front of the decrepitude queue. Lustrous locks once an unruly mane are now thinning. Eagle eyes once able to spot a cat hair in a cookie needing Mr Magoo spectacles. An almost photographic memory fading like an old polaroid picture. Every day another component part stiffens, fails or falls off completely.

The arrival of that most unwelcome house guest, Mutton Jeff, is the latest manifestation of advancing old age. Yet has anyone else noticed that free hearing tests once foist upon you with gay abandon by opticians have now slipped into the murky shadows? I fear hearing health care is now going the same way as NHS dentistry.

Having noticed the TV volume gradually increasing over time, I asked my optician for a free hearing test and here’s where the story starts to get a bit complicated.

Private or NHS hearing test? asked the overly helpful bespectacled assistant at my local branch of Specsavers.

‘Errrr… which ever one is free’ I replied.

‘They both are but it gets tricky if you make the wrong choice then need hearing aids’ their response.

The explanation that followed went something like this:

If you want a free NHS hearing test, you first need a GP referral. Once you have a referral, a clinician then has to examine your ears to make sure that you a) have two of them and that b) they are not full of wax. If you are wax free then you can have a hearing test. Should it transpire that you need a hearing trumpet, the NHS will then provide it free of charge.

If you want a free private hearing test, you can book an appointment straight away but if you then need the trumpet, you’ll have to fund your audio orchestra out of your own pocket.

Better pray you don’t have wax in them lugholes because I can’t imagine the NHS is going to offer you any free syringing for that. The Ancient Mariner had ears waxier than Yankee candles a few years back and ended up having to pay for de-clogging. And why do you think that was? Because in the future, hearing healthcare will no doubt be privatised and NOT provided free by the NHS.

For a long time now, small services previously provided free and gratis by the NHS usually in local doctors’ surgeries have very slowly been disappearing from the menu. Ear syringing is one such service and unlikely to be the last.

For a free NHS hearing test expect to wait, an average timeframe that looks something like this:

• 5 weeks to see your GP to discuss matters/request the referral
• 1 week for the referral to reach your optician
• Another 2 – 3 weeks to see the clinician for the wax check
• Followed by an extra week or more for the hearing test appointment

My advice is that should Mutton Jeff pop up on your doorstep unexpectedly, make sure you begin this process before he’s fully unpacked his bags, kicked off his shoes and helped himself to your secret stash of chocolate or you’ll end up having to make your own ear trumpet out of an empty Pringles tube.

So whilst I wait for my clinician’s appointment (even though my GP checked my ears and declared them totally free of wax), I’ll munch through a tube of salt and vinegar Pringles just in case I have to go down the do-it-yourself cloth ears route.

Remember this - if it says FREE hearing test on the tin, the question to ask yourself is whether or not you want to wait ages for it or pay for any treatment you might need afterwards.

WALL TILING

Sssshh! Tiling. No questions asked. He was never here. Would you like a coffee? Nope. I guess invisible tilers don’t drink on the job unlike myself, chugging down enough tea to quell the summer drought that’s brewing after the driest spring on record.

Tea - an essential part of DIY

It’s a cash in hand job – a rarity these days but a blessing for those of us on very tight project budgets.

Having ordered more tiles than needed for our kitchen refurbishment, the spares are being used to half tile the walls of the downstairs loo. I hope we have enough because these tiles originally came from Homebase which is no longer trading so it might be a right bugger to have to source any extras if there aren’t enough.

The plan is to tile the lower walls to about 1.15 m high from the floor then wallpaper the upper half of the wall.

Before tiling

Fit skirting board

I’m topping the tiles with a black box tile trim to tone in with the darker elements of the wallpaper. I had thought of going for gold but then decided this might be too garish. Nice to have gold accents but too much ‘bling’ might not age well and that’s what you’ve got to think about. Am I still going to like this decorative scheme in 20 years’ time? ‘You might have kicked the bucket by then’ the other half chips in. True!

Square box tile trim in black colour

Tile trim purchased from CTD Tiles, Chichester

There’s a growing trend to use coloured grout that blends in with your tile colour rather than going for a contrast. As my tiles are speckled with dark blue bits then I thought a blue coloured grout might look quite nice, blending in with both tiles and the background navy blue colour of the wallpaper. However, dark blue grout is not generally available in High Street outlets so instead I’ve chosen a colour called ‘Tornado Sky’.

Tornado Sky grout - 1 bag does a small cloakroom

Tornado Sky is a dark grey grout with a blueish tinge to it. Think moody thunder clouds. It has given our tiles some contrast but the finished effect is not quite as stark as using a lighter coloured grout.

Tornado sky grouting

With the tiling complete, the next step is to wallpaper the upper half of the walls.

Wow that's a big tile cutter

Tiles on 

Getting ready to grout

Tiling finished - looks great!

FLOORED

Phew! That was close. The man from Tapi gave our cracked riddled sub floor the thumbs up then proceeded to stick down the new LVT flooring so my compound anxiety has dissipated like a fart in a thunder storm.

New LVT flooring

With so many flooring options to choose from I could have gone for lovely ceramic tiles (too cold) or a beautiful engineered wood floor (not waterproof). A cheap click fit laminate might have done the trick (not recommended by the fitter as prone to lifting) or traditional lino (too old hat) but instead we’ve gone with something called LVT.

Looks like oak - colour Morzine 

Compared to laminate flooring, LVT (Luxury Vinyl Tile) offers better water resistance and durability making it a more resilient and cost-effective choice for areas prone to moisture or heavy foot traffic such as a cloakroom. Once glued to the sub-floor, it is never going to move out of place.

LVT looks like wood flooring, feels warm under foot and is less ‘shiny’ than some of the cheaper laminates out there. How well will it cope with continual footfall? Only time will tell.

Now that the downstairs loo has a new floor, it’s time to prepare for the next step in the project – skirting boards then tiling.

Floor done, skirting and tiling is next

NO WORK WEDNESDAYS

Sometimes life has a funny way of working out.

Life can be all rainbows sometimes

For ages I’ve been procrastinating over whether or not to take early retirement or maybe reduce my weekly working hours further but not having arrived at a particular conclusion, fate has now blown the whistle and handed me a red card.

Stop dithering and make a decision

A month ago, I wrote a post called Levelling Up explaining how our company was urging employees to make the ultimate salary sacrifice so that it could find the cash to pay its increased national insurance bill. The Chancellor clearly has no idea that many businesses are finding ways of offloading their tax burden onto employees. Some companies are looking to cut hours or staff, some are asking staff to consider going ‘freelance’ to get them off PAYE but hey ho, a shrinkflation job is better than no job.

No-one wants to earn less particularly in these hard times where even the cost of bog paper has gone through the roof. However, for those of us with one foot almost in the retirement camp then this situation has presented an opportunity to re-visit that Work/Life balance.

How much???????

I can’t thank ex-Chancellor George Osborne enough for the day he liberated private pensions giving us oldies the freedom to choose when to begin retirement. It’s thanks to him that I can afford to drop a few hours without feeling the pinch.

And so, I find myself blogging on my second ‘No Work Wednesday’ at a time when I should have been frantically slaving over a hot keyboard in the workplace.

What to do with my new found freedom? A whole day all to myself with only the cat for company – yippee!

Predictably I’ve started my day with a lie in getting up at 7 am instead of 6.30 am. A cuppa in bed, an additional bonus.

What’s next on the daily To Do List? Well let’s see - there’s the Tapi man to prepare for, a birthday cake to bake, some freshly painted planters to fill with compost, a half made Bluey toy to knit up, a fence panel and gate to Cuprinol, a bit of internet admin, and so it goes on and on.

Honestly, I don’t know how I ever manage to find time to go to work at all since there’s always so much to be done at home but for now, I’m going to sit back with my feet up on the lounge table and blog away guilt free while the rest of you wage slaves beaver away at your desks.

POWER CUT

‘I cannae give you more power’ wails an anxious Scotty to Captain Kirk as the Starship Enterprise lurches from one intergalactic disaster to another.

Power - the one thing that keeps all our lives on an even track but what happens when that unseen energy mysteriously disappears?

Since 9.00 am this morning, power has been in absentia. No Saturday mowers, radio news or glowing numerals to wake me from slumber. Not a peep from the street. Hmm, it’s just too quiet for this time of day.

Bimble downstairs. Flick kettle on. Spent 20 minutes scratching head wondering why the toaster wasn’t its usual bright perky self. Come on. ‘I want crumpets damn you’ I shout at the inanimate shiny thing. The penny drops when after 5 minutes the kettle is looking about as interesting as a stranded whale.

Brain then runs through that auto-mantra that occurs when electrical gadgets malfunction – Check fuses. Is the socket switched on? Are the cables connected? Do the lights work? OMG! No internet!!!!

A ping alerts me to a text from the Lecky Board – its both good news and bad news. The good news is the engineers are hard at work on the problem. What problem? The bad news is that no-one knows when the magic juice will be restored. Well, that’s put a major spanner in the works or should that be digger through the cable? What to do with no electricity? And of course, it’s at that moment I notice that the battery on my phone is about to run out… Can this day get any better?

Thank goodness for gas hobs. At least I can boil up a pan of water for a cuppa and substitute granola for buttery crumpets. But what about those folks who don’t have gas? Should I be rushing out to offer my saucepan skills to the rest of the hood? Maybe not. I can hardly pass the hat round after providing hot drinks, boiled potatoes or a bucketful of warm water for arthritic feet, can I? Gotta keep an eye on those high energy costs. Sorry but it’s every man for himself (or person for themselves or whatever).

After a very quick cold wash it’s time to get Survivalist head on. Check understairs cupboard for supplies of candles, matches, bread and milk. Bring wood in from the log store. Dig out large thermos flask. Text the kids then switch off phone to preserve battery. Put tortoise outside to warm up as none of her heat lamps are working. Check purse for cash – shops may be closed or unable to use card machines.

Wander into town to assess the state of the Chichester nation. That’s strange – traffic lights are not working, some shops are closed yet the town is still full of grockles so obviously no zombie apocalypse, Russian invasion or meteor strike. Still, it pays to be prepared. Pick up emergency salad supplies as it looks like power outage is only affecting areas south of the A27.

Luckily the sun’s out and the Spoons is still open – a blessing really as with nothing else to do at least you can top up your tan with a pint in hand.

A word of advice here for those thinking of going over to full fibre optic broadband – guess what? Yep, landlines don’t work in the event of a power cut as telephone handsets are plugged into the back of the router which won’t work without electricity. That’s technological progress for you.

However, a chat with next door has reinforced the need for Survivalists like me to switch to solar power with battery storage as in the event of a power failure, you will have your own limited power sourced directly from the battery. Note to self – add solar quotes to the To Do List.

It’s now 5 pm and hurrah, the power has unexpectedly returned just as I was getting to the good bit of my crime thriller novel. I'm off to quickly nuke up some dinner in case its only a temporary generator that’s keeping the lights on.

The future's bright but if it's all electric then you'd better be well prepared for when the light at the end of the power tunnel goes out.

 

ISA ISA BABY

And whilst we’re on the subject of banking, Money Saving Expert Martin Lewis has reminded me its time to re-inspect all my savings accounts to make sure I’ve protected my ‘stash’ from the money grabbing Sheriff of Downing Street who is thinking of lowering the cash ISA savings threshold from £20,000 to potentially £4,000 per tax year.

If you’ve taken your eye off the ISA ball then may I suggest a visit to Martin’s web site where he’ll update you on the ins-and-outs of cash ISAs and more importantly the benefits of having your nest egg stashed in a nice little tax wrapper.

Bah! What’s it to me? Can’t be arsed with all that financial malarkey I hear you say. Well, I’m going to add my six-penneth worth here to tell you why you should be bothered.

Rachel from Accounts latest plan is to manipulate savers into propping up UK industries by making it less attractive for us to put large chunks of wonga into cash ISAs. Instead she hopes to encourage us to fritter our pensions away on the vagaries of the stock market. No doubt her fund manager cronies have all been crying into their martinis at the loss of fees to help keep their gas-guzzling Maseratis on the road which is why she’s turned her beady eye on cash ISAs.

UK savers like myself are a cautious bunch. I like my capital guaranteed and the thought of losing all that hard earned money on a turn of the stock market roulette wheel sets my heart racing. I want the bird in the hand, not the potential two birds in the bush! And I’m prepared to accept less growth to achieve this.  Hope you're listening Rachel.

The Chancellor is in for a nasty shock if she thinks cash savers are suddenly going to flock into UK equities. Au contraire, mon ami. Perhaps she doesn’t read The Times or else she would have spotted this little snippet headed ‘UK Equities Shunned’. Seems like all larger, savvy investors are dumping UK equities by the handful so why then does she think smaller investors would suddenly want them? Would you buy a 3-legged horse? My thoughts exactly!

UK equities?  I'll give it a miss

Should the cash ISA threshold be lowered from £20,000 to £4,000 in a given tax year, it would take you 5 tax years to deposit the current threshold amount of £20,000.

Assuming you opened up a new cash ISA in April (the current tax year) with the maximum amount of £20,000 and this was invested in a one-year fixed interest rate cash ISA at say 4%, at the end of the term, your investment would be worth: £20,000 + £800 interest = £20,800.

Without compounding the interest, if you fixed the £20,000 for 5 years at 4% then you’d have earned £4,000 tax free interest on your initial investment by the time savers on the lower threshold amount had reached the £20K total.

Fast forward to October’s budget. If the cash ISA threshold is lowered to £4,000 and you opened up the same one-year fixed interest rate cash ISA investing the maximum at 4% then your investment would only be worth: £4,000 + £160 interest = £4,160. That’s £640 less interest than the saver maxing out their cash ISA at the higher threshold rate.

But here’s the thing – if the maximum amount you can save into a cash ISA is only £4,000 then where would you put the remaining £16,000 if you had total capital to invest of £20,000?

Since you can only hold cash ISAs totalling the maximum threshold amount in any given tax year then it’s assumed you’d have to put the remaining £16K in another type of savings/deposit account and doing this might expose you to the savers tax if you breach the annual £1,000 interest threshold.

So, dear savers. What I’m trying to point out is that if the Sheriff of Downing Street gets her wicked way and lowers the cash ISA limit then you’ll have to decide whether to:

a) Take a punt on a stocks and shares ISA and risk your capital
b) Deposit funds in other types of non-ISA savings accounts and risk a tax penalty
c) Leave your money under the mattress or

d) Blow it all on coke and hookers

Be on your guard also for any proposed changes affecting how and where your pension funds are to be invested in the future as this too could affect the value of your overall retirement nest egg.

Rumour has it that fund managers may be required to put a larger percentage of pension fund cash into UK equities, a risky business for sure judging by the number of companies going bust or unable to pay out decent dividends to investors.

Being quite close to retirement, I’ve taken that decision out of my pension fund manager’s hands by choosing the ‘Freestyle’ option of private pension where you decide what funds your cash are invested in. And guess what? To reduce volatility on my portfolio, I’ve selected Cash Funds for my pension pot. These funds won’t make me a retirement millionaire but at least at the moment they’re not losing value.

Why do cash ISA's matter?  Tax.  And particularly so when you retire because you'll need the most income possible without having to hand any more of it back to the Tax Man.

Finally, always seek proper financial advice before investing your money, don’t be guided by what you read in the papers or on the internet because you never know when people are talking complete bollocks.

CRACKING UP

This post title doesn’t describe me but refers to the self-levelling compound we threw down with gay abandon onto the uneven floor in the downstairs toilet before buggering off for a week of glorious beer-swigging in Munich.

Munching in Munich

Oh dear, not liking the look of those hairline cracks. Doesn’t look nice and solid, more like a road map of Britain. I’m almost too scared to stand on the floor especially since I’ve piled on poundage from scoffing too many portions of bratwurst and kartoffelsalat (potato salad).

Cracks in the self levelled floor

So now I’m suffering from compounding anxiety particularly as I’ve booked a return visit by Tapi Carpets for the fitting of vinyl flooring next Wednesday. What if the chap takes one look at this crack-riddled slab, shakes his head and refuses to fit the new floor?

Worst case scenario is we’d have to completely break up the compound layer then get it re-screeded which not only costs money but pushes back the project even further.

There’s nothing to do but wait for the fitter’s arrival. Fingers crossed it can all go ahead as planned.

ASSASSINS SCREED

I’ve watched the YouTube film (a dozen times), sucked up every tidbit on all the DIY forums like an over-enthusiastic Dyson and read the packet labels till the letters all merged together to form the word ‘loser’. Self-levelling compound here we come!

According to YouTube DIY experts begin your flooring fantasy by removing every speck of dust. I’ve hoovered the floor almost every day since last Tuesday so if there’s anything left on it then it’s likely to be an invisible Covid germ or a microscopic grain only detectable with a high-powered telescope.

Next apply primer. So many to choose from but from what I can gather, pick the type that’s most suitable for the type of substrate you’re going to apply the compound to. I’m using one called Larsen acrylic primer which can be used to prime concrete or screed.

Select a primer suitable for your substrate

The primer is applied in two coats. The first coat is a diluted one – one part water to one part primer. On a small area like our toilet floor even 400 ml of primer is way too much liquid. A litre bottle goes a long way so no ‘range’ anxiety about whether you’ll run out half way through the job.

Diluted Larsen pink primer

The second coat is also primer but applied neat. Larsen acrylic primer is like flooring Pepto Bismol, a bright pink colour and can be easily applied using a paint brush or roller. Leave this to dry completely before putting the compound on top.

Apply primer then leave to dry

Time to mix up the compound. Using a 20kg bag of L12 no nonsense self-smoothing leveller from Screwfix. According to feedback on their website, this stuff is the mutts nuts. Let’s hope so!

I really hope this works

To mix the compound, you’ll need a super-sized plasterer’s bucket and a gadget that looks like a giant whisk which can be attached to an ordinary electric drill.

Large bucket and mixing gadget

Woo hoo! Who thought making giant mud pies in a bucket could be so much fun? Make sure you closely follow the ‘recipe’ on the back of the packet as adding too much or too little water could affect your mixture.

Making mud pies

When your compound is ready, gently pour over the floor and using a flooring trowel, help the liquid mixture towards the edges. Being a feeble wuss with a bad neck, engage the services of a strong person to lift the bucket then use a large measuring jug so you don’t pour it all in at once.

Ease gently towards the edges

I was surprised to note how smoothly the compound naturally seemed to gravitate towards the edges of the room with minimal effort from my wielding a trowel the size of a skateboard. Easy does it girl, don’t get too cocky now….

No time for dawdling as this stuff goes off fairly quickly. Start from the furthest wall then work backwards to the door. Ooops! I forgot to mention that you need to chock up the doorway beforehand to prevent anything seeping out under the carpet. Yeah. Do this before you get started or else you might end up with a right mess.

Lovely mirror shine

Once all the compound is lying across the floor like a grey mirrored lake, grab your spiked roller. Run this carefully across the surface to bring up all the air bubbles.

Get rid of bubbles with spiked roller

Now stand back, admire your handiwork then use the rest of the day to bake a real cake to go with a nice brew.

BANKING APPS? MIST ME!

For weeks now, banks and building societies have been unceasingly pestering to convince me onto their banking apps. Apps? Mist me!! I’m still using chip and pin!

High Street banking has gone the way of the dodo. It’s the classic chicken and egg situation – what came first, online banking or bank branch closures? All I can say is that we are ALL to blame for the death of banks on the High Street so stop your moaning.

Where did all the dodos go?

Yep, if it hadn’t been for us gullible customers jumping onto the online banking bandwagon like a cocker spaniel on heat, Aunt Ethel would still be able to pop into her local branch to collect her pension in cash. It’s a simple case of cause and effect. No good crying over spilt milk. Use it or lose it. The banks knew well enough what the end game was from the off, having studied human behaviour for decades. We just fell into their trap – couldn’t help ourselves, could we?

Banks have been cleverly manipulating customer behaviour in a bid to shave millions off their bottom line and continue to do so, forcing us all to go paperless or use apps in the name of progress. What they fail to understand is that:


a) not all banking customers have smartphones or want one

b) people often live in areas with poor mobile phone signal

c) some customers are technologically challenged

d) no-one wants to drive miles to a ‘full service’ bank or banking hub

e) hacking or cyber-crime is rife


And that last point is ultra important because if cyber-crime is increasing then how is persuading more people to bank online going to provide better security for you or your funds? 

Banks have long been complaining loudly about having to automatically reimburse punters when fraudulent transactions occur. It’s the bank’s view that we are all in some way negligent if fraud occurs so why should they cough up? And yet isn’t forcing us all onto websites or apps that could be tampered with deliberately exposing people to unscrupulous criminals through no fault of our own?

Can banking apps keep out criminals?

I might sound like a techno-dino but I’m quite happy doing my banking using that thingy called a laptop that has a proper keyboard and a large screen. I can at least see what I’m doing plus less danger of typing in wrong numbers with sausage-like fingers. Ooops! I meant £10 not £1,000. Duh!

Please, please, please – spare us from this unnecessary App evil. I want to be an i-phone leper, I don’t want to be ‘cured’. Mist me!

Rock on Randy Glasbergen

LEVELLING UP

Spring is gradually turning into one of those elastic months – I’m feeling stretched to the limit, physically, mentally and above all, financially.

Feeling stretched

First Truss and now Trump. Is there something about politicians whose surnames begin with the letters TRU that makes them financial suicide bombers? 

They've blown up the economy!

Since Trump got into power, he’s sent more shockwaves round economies and stock markets than the recent earthquake in Myanmar. There’s no doubt that Rachel from Accounts will be blaming him for all the tax rises or other shenanigans that will unfold in October’s budget.

The Chancellor’s decision to raise employer NI contributions plus the minimum wage this month has truly put a whacking great spanner into our home refurbishment plans. To save the ailing public sector, the private sector is now desperately scrabbling around in a bid to save themselves from a slow lingering death as companies flip a coin to determine whether they’ll file for bankruptcy or just sack half the workforce.

Not only has our company played it’s ‘Hard Up’ card by not awarding any pay rises this year but it’s now pulled out a ‘Shit Street’ joker by asking all employees to take a pay cut. Voluntary reductions in contractual hours to stave off compulsory redundancies and to ensure it can meet the Government’s new corporate obligations.

This card trumps all the others

Surprised? No not really. We’ve been here before many a time. I can recall at least 3 previous decades where due to recessions, economic mismanagement or calamities such as the 2008 credit crunch resulted in massive job losses, austerity measures being imposed or tax hikes (stealthy and non-stealthy).

Money is tight. I’ve no need to mention that as I’m sure everyone’s feeling the pinch but when you’ve hit that point where there’s no more give in the knicker elastic then what?

Not realising that this latest axe was about to fall, I’d fortunately gone out and purchased all the ingredients for the next phase in our Great British DIY Bake Off – the self-levelling compound cake.

What you need to level up your agenda

Having ripped out ye olde worlde stuck down vinyl flooring in the downstairs toilet, we were left with a very uneven surface totally unsuitable for new flooring to be laid. Desperate times call for desperate measures so time to learn a new skill – the art of floor levelling. More about that later.

Flooring ripped out - not a pretty sight

All the gear but no idea – yep that’s us but at least we’re willing to try new things. Keeping busy is all you can do in hard times such as these.

MORE STOOLS

Seems I’m not the only one interested in stools….

How the NHS can expect anyone to poop into such a small plastic box is anyone’s guess but looks like I’m going to be playing catch the turdy later on.

NHS bowel cancer test kit

Enough about turds (sorry, did someone say Trump?), let’s focus our thoughts on the other sort of stool.

Now where did we get to last time? Ah yes, we’d killed our lion, ripped it’s guts out and covered it in small bits of wood. Never attempt this with a real lion as they don’t take too kindly to having twiggy bits in their fur.

So, we now have a stool with nicely painted sides but bare legs.

Paint or stain stool legs 

It’s still a little bit chilly to be going around in bare legs especially with those Baltic breezes blowing down from up north so I’m going to apply two pairs of oak stained tights to the stumpy legs.

Apply stain, allow to dry then lightly sand with fine wire wool before applying a second coat of stain. Finish off with a coat of lacquer or wax polish.

Stool just needs a top

To finish the stool, a nice chunky wooden top to provide a sturdy platform for the yucca plant and compliment the 20 denier oak tanned legs.

Cut a circular shaped piece of timber to fit over the stool top allowing it to slightly overhang the timber mouldings on the side.

Cut a circular shaped piece of timber for the top

Apply stain, allow to dry then lightly sand with fine wire wool before applying a second coat of stain. Finish off with a coat of lacquer or wax polish.

Paint or stain the top piece

Allow the wooden circle to completely dry then stick to the stool top with a generous coating of CT1/glue. Leave overnight for the glue to cure.

Glue the wooden circle onto the top of the stool

Tah dah! Leo the lion is now a super plant stand, lifting the yucca off the carpet and providing Shelby with a tortoise assault course at the same time. Grrreat!

Nice plant stand