MORE STOOLS

Seems I’m not the only one interested in stools….

How the NHS can expect anyone to poop into such a small plastic box is anyone’s guess but looks like I’m going to be playing catch the turdy later on.

NHS bowel cancer test kit

Enough about turds (sorry, did someone say Trump?), let’s focus our thoughts on the other sort of stool.

Now where did we get to last time? Ah yes, we’d killed our lion, ripped it’s guts out and covered it in small bits of wood. Never attempt this with a real lion as they don’t take too kindly to having twiggy bits in their fur.

So, we now have a stool with nicely painted sides but bare legs.

Paint or stain stool legs 

It’s still a little bit chilly to be going around in bare legs especially with those Baltic breezes blowing down from up north so I’m going to apply two pairs of oak stained tights to the stumpy legs.

Apply stain, allow to dry then lightly sand with fine wire wool before applying a second coat of stain. Finish off with a coat of lacquer or wax polish.

Stool just needs a top

To finish the stool, a nice chunky wooden top to provide a sturdy platform for the yucca plant and compliment the 20 denier oak tanned legs.

Cut a circular shaped piece of timber to fit over the stool top allowing it to slightly overhang the timber mouldings on the side.

Cut a circular shaped piece of timber for the top

Apply stain, allow to dry then lightly sand with fine wire wool before applying a second coat of stain. Finish off with a coat of lacquer or wax polish.

Paint or stain the top piece

Allow the wooden circle to completely dry then stick to the stool top with a generous coating of CT1/glue. Leave overnight for the glue to cure.

Glue the wooden circle onto the top of the stool

Tah dah! Leo the lion is now a super plant stand, lifting the yucca off the carpet and providing Shelby with a tortoise assault course at the same time. Grrreat!

Nice plant stand

STOOLS

Woke up this morning with a cat’s arse hovering dangerously over my face. It seems the mischievous moggy has devised a new way of getting me up at kitty o’clock (6 am) by jumping on my chest then happy slapping my face with its tail. Ah so cute. Not! Throw 8 x 1 kilo bags of sugar onto your torso then see how you like it. Help! I can’t breathe!

Wakey, wakey

Anyhow, we’re not here to discuss my early morning wake up calls but to talk about stools. I don’t mean the brown poopy sort; I’m referring to the three/four-legged variety.

I'm just what you need

I’ve bought a yucca plant to add a touch of fresh greenery to the corner next to the new vinyl storage cabinet yet when I looked at the thing, it seemed to me it was somewhat lacking on the charm offensive front. Hmmm, what this plant needs is a nice stool to sit on.

Lacking in something

Unable to find something I liked online then once again it’s craft-head on to come up with a novel way to make the stool of my dreams. (You dream about stools?)

Enter Leo the Lion. You see cute children’s play seat – I see ripped apart, pimped out plant stand. Purchased for £4.99 from my local Cancer Research shop, this lovable lion is just what I need for this next project.

Leo the lion - just what I needed

Let’s get started. Firstly, remove the cute covering which basically just completely peels off. Keep it handy in case you need to wear it in the garden to scare off neighbouring moggies using the borders as bogs.

Leo stripped down

Next, remove all the foam padding stapled to the top and sides. What’s underneath is a high sided drum shaped structure supported on four wooden legs with a rough wooden top. Perfect.

What's beneath the lion

Having examined the lion’s innards from every angle, I’ve closed my eyes to imagine how I can transform this item into something fitting in with the rest of my black and oak styled furniture.

Half-moon pine mouldings, yes that should do nicely for the sides. Cut the pine moulding into smaller pieces long enough to cover the sides of the drum.

Half moon pine moulding

Cut mouldings to the height of the stool side

On a level surface, turn the stool upside down then stick the cut pieces of moulding around the drum keeping the individual strips as vertical as possible. 

Apply glue to cut moulding

Stick moulding to side of stool

Repeat until the whole side is covered

I’m using some black coloured CT1 adhesive for this part. This product has now become my ‘go to’ glue for all household repair jobs as it sticks just about anything to any surface. Set aside for a day or two for the CT1 to bond.

Bonds to any material

Once all the mouldings are securely fixed to the side of the drum, paint in your chosen colour. I’m painting mine in matt black furniture paint which I will then finish off with a coat of varnish or lacquer.

Ensure all mouldings are securely fixed

Paint sides in colour of your choice

Right. Now sit back, have a cuppa or two then think about how you’re going to smarten up the stool’s top and stubby legs.

SPRING STATEMENT

Another month has almost rolled by. Not looking forward to the week ahead especially as Thursday heralds the Government’s Spring Statement which is likely to bring more of a chill than the current Baltic breezes tiptoeing through your tulips.

Last year's lovely tulip display

What insidious tortures will Rachel from Accounts unleash on the unwitting British public? I dread to think.

I want what you've got

My money minions are on high alert to sniff out any potential changes to the ISA savings limit. Not that I have a great deal of money to spare these days but dropping the allowance from £20K to £4K is one helluva wallet wallop and something that I hope will not come to pass.

With the Bank of England keeping the base rates on hold then anyone who hasn’t stashed away their nest egg into an ISA is likely to fall foul of what I call the Savers Tax which kicks in as soon as you’ve earned over a £1,000 in interest on your savings. Don’t dilly dally, get your money into an ISA now!

https://www.gov.uk/apply-tax-free-interest-on-savings

My second concern is whether she will go on to further extend the freeze on the income tax personal allowance thresholds. She said no tax or spend (famous last words) but if she decides to push the deadline out beyond 2028 then in a sense this will be nothing more than a deferred tax. As I’ve said before many a time on this blog, fiscal drag means that sooner or later EVERYONE will end up paying tax.

Labour can’t risk any further economical upsets so fingers crossed that this will be an uneventful budget, giving us all at least 6 months in which to get our houses in order before the next financial atom bomb is dropped.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, the clocks are going forward next Sunday so an hour less in bed.  Ugh!  Roll on April.

PILED ON

So, the Government is thinking of giving a cash handout to everyone living next to electricity pylons. Will that include those of us who have electrical substations bordering our back garden? I hope so. 

Why stop at pylons? Let’s not forget over-sized garden pergolas, larger than life leylandii hedges, size 26 knickers on neighbouring wash lines, that elephantine Chelsea tractor parked outside creating a mini solar eclipse or any other potential blots on the landscape.

Case for compensation

For anyone who thought the cost of this golden ticket would be met from energy supplier profits then suckers, this confirms you truly have the IQ of a melting ice cap. As soon as the cat was out of the Labour bag there was never any doubt the costs would be piled onto our energy bills as will every other cost not yet incurred in the race to achieve ‘net zero’ – a contradiction in terms if ever there was one because you will never ever be able to completely remove all greenhouse gases produced by whatever sources or negate against this.

As sure as eggs is eggs, energy consumers will always end up footing the bill for whatever national infrastructure changes fit the current political whim. And let’s not forget this mythical promise of discounted energy (my arse!) which is never likely to materialise in our lifetimes let alone those of our children, grandchildren or great grandchildren.

I am not opposed to paying for cabling, pylons or other means that will bring cheap renewable energy straight to my non smart meter. But. And there always is one of those - deep in the cynical recesses of my metal-head I know that you can lay a zillion metres of cabling but until you stop the unit price of electricity being determined by the cost of gas then it makes no difference how many ugly pylons you plaster over the landscape. It’s the current pricing mechanism NOT the inadequate infrastructure that’s to blame.

Tosh, I hear some of you say. Well, you may be right but we’re all entitled to our conspiracist opinions which are that there is little or no appetite to fix anything that might derail the energy capitalist net zero gravy train.

I hope not to be reading the same tabloid headlines in 10 years’ time about how our energy bills are going to come down because in theory when there are more pylons than people they already should have!

There be giants

RULES IS RULES

Aahh! Those bloody rules!!

No, seriously I’m going to have to clobber someone if I hear anyone else telling me that I can’t do this or that because of some wretched building regulation or other.

What is it now? You may well ask because there’s always something isn’t there. This time its rules around light switches in bathrooms.

Now the court of Google opinion is firmly divided in this case – can you or can you not have a conventional light switch in a toilet, M’Lud?

The rules regarding light switches in bathrooms revolve around the ‘zones’ in the room and generally are as follows:

Bathroom zones

A switch should be at least 0.6 m from the edge of the bath or shower (outside the zones) and must be suitable for the location. The cords of cord-operated switches are allowed in zones 1 and 2 and are recommended for bathrooms and shower rooms to account for the humidity and condensation that could occur.

Now this is where things get a little nebulous – many people feel that a room that just contains a toilet and hand-basin is not classed as a ‘bathroom’ and therefore the above rules do not apply because there’ll be no humidity or condensation arising from steam.

Our downstairs toilet has a conventional switch in it. Since the house was first built in the late 1950’s it’s had this switch. The switch has served its purpose with no danger to life or limb yet now that the room is to be refurbished, it’s against the ‘rules’. What?

Has been used since 1958 with no problems

And as always different trades people, different views on this matter:

‘But someone might touch the switch with wet hands’ said the first plumber even though I pointed out that most people wash then dry their hands before leaving the loo.

‘But it could be a child’ he countered.

‘We don’t have any’ I parried back.

‘But what if you sell the house to someone with children?’  Oh good grief.

He wasn’t going to let it go because by then he’d already decided to charge me to have the switch moved outside into the corridor.

Or I could fit a sensor light said the second plumber. Now is this the same type of lighting they have in Greek tavernas where in mid pee you suddenly have to wildly wave your arms about in the dark doing a demented impression of air traffic runway control in order to get the automatic light to come back on? No thanks.

Guess who didn’t make it to the quote selection list.

I can appreciate these rules are there for the numpties who wash their hands then reach for the switch before drying but my limited understanding of these matters is that it isn’t wet hands that gives rise to the risk but more like steam/condensation penetrating the switch. In a basic cloakroom like ours there wouldn’t be any.

Not having the energy to argue the toss with these people or flagrantly ignore the rules which I would have done had we just been doing the job ourselves then I’ve had to arrange for the sparkie to come in and change the existing switch for a pull-cord variety. 

Pull cord switch fitted to the ceiling

An unnecessary measure and expense but I guess it’s best to err on the side of caution in case we ever do decide to sell up in future.

CARPETS BAGGED

I’ve been up since 6.30 am on my day off work. It’s lunchtime and there’s still no sign of the blasted carpet fitters. Not best pleased that I’ve squandered annual leave to spend hours moving cardboard boxes round the lounge in a bid to whittle down what remains of our storage unit tat. Pile going down, just like the UK economy.

Four years on and still shuffling boxes round the lounge

Finally, at 3pm, the carpet cavalry arrived! Assured of completion before dinner time, another few hours to while away making coffee as an excuse to get a sneaky look at shag pile shenanigans upstairs.

‘Madam, we’re going to have to trim your oak doors’ announces the chirpy chappy who is only a smidge taller than I am. Oh Lord. What now? Not the oak doors. I shudder to think what carnage they could unleash as I cower in front of the telly trying to distract myself watching Garden Rescue.

Door trimming - an extra charge per door

In my over-zealous fervour to order the most thermally efficient floor coverings, I’d chosen the thickest underlay supplied by Tapi Carpets – the Tapi 11 Nike Grip. Think cushioned trainers with a rug on top. In fact, with this underlay there’s no need to bother wearing trainers, slippers or anything else on your feet as you get the same comfy springiness barefoot.

Super thick underlay for insulation

However, I’d forgotten one crucial thing – the thicker the underlay, the higher the carpet level which then results in doors having to be trimmed. Slap on forehead. What a duh-brain!!

Thickness matters

Fortunately, carpet fitters have a special cutting device that enables them to slice the bottom off a door without having to remove it. Oh and that’ll be an extra £30 per door on top of the cost of fitting the carpets. Something to bear in mind if you are carpeting a large house with lots of doors as this could significantly bump up your bill.

Another little snippet to share with anyone thinking of taking up the new Tapi carpet challenge – fitting costs are paid out in cash on the day to the fitters and are not part of your interest-free credit deal. Fitting costs are calculated as a percentage of the overall bill so bear that in mind when deciding what to buy.

Whilst all of these things are something else to factor in to your project if you’re on a tight budget - here’s my advice: you’re only likely to buy new carpets once in a lifetime so wait for the sales then pick the nicest, most hard-wearing and thermally insulating carpets you can afford.

Three and a half hours later, the transformation is complete. 

Gleneagles carpet - colour Gunmetal

Goodbye bare floorboards, hello nice warm carpets.

No more cold floorboards in the bedrooms

Lovely and soft and warm

THE GREAT REVEAL!

Unlike the Chancellor who’s going to struggle to pull the rabbit out of her hat in the spring budget on 26 March, I have both bunny and beret waiting in the wings for the final unveiling of our super-duper vinyl record storage unit.

Drum roll if you please…. Ta dah!

A lovely unit to store all our records & CDs

With their vintage handles, the refurbished wooden box drawers provide a perfect hidey hole for CDs.

Spruce up old boxes with vintage handles

Three open compartments to store all my Depeche Mode and other LPs.

Made to measure compartments to store vinyl records

My heavy case full of vintage gramophone records fits neatly into its own side compartment.

Dedicated space for gramophone records

I’ve tarted up an old wooden wine box to store all those 7” singles which also fits into its own compartment. Mind the gap – don’t worry that’ll soon be filled after a few more visits to the local record shop.

Mind the gap singles box

Before Rachel ransacks my savings, I’ve splashed out on a nice slab of toughened glass to protect the top from daily wear and give it that final designer touch.

Glass topper for a touch of class

These are the joys of making your own bespoke furniture, everything has its own designated storage spot plus it fits exactly into your room.

Fits perfectly

RECORD UNIT - BACKSIDE

With the top panel firmly glued into position and painted to match the rest of the vinyl unit, it’s time to focus on the backside.

My backside needs covering

Why bother? What you can’t see isn’t going to matter I hear you say. Well, it does especially when you’re as picky as I am. Out of sight, out of mind – no! I’ll know it’s not properly finished then go slowly insane wondering if I should have painted it or not. Nope - no question about it, it’s just gotta be done.

In any case, photographic evidence shows it’s an unsightly backside rather like my own, full of uneven lumps, bumps – a view which should not be imposed on public sensitivities.

OMG what a dog's dinner!

A nice bit of thin ply is what’s needed to cover up this dog’s dinner. What luck, there’s enough left over from our last lot of furniture building antics to fit across the back.

What you need is a nice bit of ply

Cut to size, stain, wax then buff. I do enjoy a good buffing; it gives the old bingo wings a nice workout.

Stained, waxed and buffed to perfection

Carefully fix into place with some small panel pins. As you can see, our leftover ply wasn’t quite large enough for one complete piece so I’ve ended up having to use 2 separate bits to cover the lot.

Secure with small panel pins

There. No more ugly backside!

Ply nicely covers a multitude of sins

All that’s left to do is paint the ply panel black to match everything else and apply a couple of coats of clear varnish then the unit will be ready for the great reveal.

Back panel gives nice finish to compartments

MAGIC CARPETS

Counting down the days to new carpets and after 4 years without then all I can say is about time too!

Whilst waiting for the glued vinyl unit to dry out, using spare time to rip out the hall and stair flooring because what else is there to do on a cold damp February afternoon?

Boy, what a job that turned out to be! The carpet itself came up easily and in one long length so I was able to roll it up into a giant fluffy swiss roll as I worked my way backwards down the staircase but the underlay, what a palaver to remove.

Brown and sort of slimy rubber underlay secured to each step with gripper rods on both the riser and the treads plus a million staples, each one had to be removed individually using pliers.

Removing grippers and staples from staircase

Not hidden treasure but I did find a copy of the Chichester Observer lining the floor that dated back to Sept 1995. Headline news closure of W J Shippams, one of the town’s leading businesses and famous for its meat/fish pastes. A very interesting read.

Amazing what you find under an old carpet

What I thought would be a fairly quick job turned out to be a whole afternoon’s hard graft but after a lot of banging,crashing and cursing, all eventually got stripped out. I may have bruised knees yet it’s a small sacrifice in the quest for warmer floors.

Old carpet gone

Once more I’ll be able to walk barefoot in the bedroom, waking up to feel a soft cushioned surface underfoot instead of cold, splintery floorboards. 

Looking forward to something soft under foot

Of course, no wood floor means I won’t hear Bertie sneaking upstairs ready to pounce on me as I snuggle down in bed. He’s now taken to actually sleeping on top of my legs instead of next to them because as well as carpet stripper, I’m also a human cat bed.  How could I forget?

Is it bedtime?