THE PLUMBER ALWAYS RINGS TWICE

No point ringing once because with the cacophony coming from the gas works taking place outside, the dinging doorbell has about as much chance of being heard as an ant fart.

Chaos in the cul-de-sac

Angle grinding the concrete pavement outside my bedroom window at 7.00 am on my day off – I mean, come on!!!!  And what do you call that reinstatement work?  It's a bloody mess!

The pavement in front of my drive - what a mess!

Still, eventually the faint sound of knocking came through above the din to reveal a sweaty-faced plumber laden with tools. Poor bugger had had to park half way up the road there being no room in the already overcrowded gas van mayhem at the bottom of the cul-de-sac.

Half a day later in temperatures that would melt Antarctica, a downstairs cloakroom slowly emerges from its cardboard box chrysalis and magically morphs into a beautiful porcelain butterfly.

The world’s smallest back-to-wall toilet, the Roper Rhodes Zest, sits proudly in front of a white gloss cabinet along the back wall.

You can't get smaller than this

A compact square hand-basin complete with brushed brass coloured tap and matching clicker waste hangs on the wall near the door.

Wyndam compact basin with Levo brushed brass tap

Brass coloured towel and loo roll holders decorated with ornate swans (Anthropologie) fitted on the tiles to replace the tatty old chrome ones. Swans were the closest thing I could find to compliment the flying cranes of the wallpaper.

Anthropologie swan towel ring

Anthropologie swan toilet roll holder

Vintage brass light pull (Ebay)

Everything flushes or gushes as it should thanks to the sterling efforts of the plumber and his mate who had to work in anything but ideal conditions which was clearly reflected in the £700 bill hitting my inbox later that evening. Thanks lads, we couldn’t have done it without you!

No more racing upstairs for a widdle as we can now contemplate life, the universe and everything from the comfort of our spanking new loo. I promised the other half a poopy parlour fit for a king - I hope this one ticks all his turdy boxes.

BEFORE

AFTER