WHOLE BODY DEODORANTS

Someone, somewhere has invented a new product we never knew we needed and now needs to flog it mercilessly to the masses. How can they ensure demand is created from nothing? Through fear.

Another gimmick

Heaven forbid I may be sat sipping cocktails in The Ivy with cheesy feet, sweaty pits or lady parts that reek of three-day old kippers! What I need is a whole-body deodorant. Do I? Better down that margarita then rush out to buy the latest, greatest odour eliminator money can buy.

At an even greater expense than conventional deodorants, we’ll be expected to buy this miraculous de-whiffer and douse it liberally over every inch of our pungent bodies. Spray, sniff. Spray, sniff. In next to no time, the whole can will have vapourised into thin air along with most of your bank balance. Expect to replenish it at a faster rate than a roll on.

Imagine the world suddenly becomes besotted with whole body deodorants. Millions of people simultaneously spraying these aerosols all over the place will diminish the ice-caps at a rate faster than a shoal of mackerel attacked by hungry sharks. A gigantic vapour cloud forms which then scoffs up the ozone layer. 

Munch, munch – yummy! Clearly, profit not planet was at the forefront of this latest fad.

Smells a bit fishy to me

And let’s think about all those other un-necessary items devised recently to part us from our pennies:

Air Fryers – Hands up all those people who have one skulking on a kitchen worktop like a miniature Darth Vadar? Touted as the best thing since sliced bread, the must have kitchen appliance designed to knock pounds off your waistline and energy bill. Really? Since buying our air fryer we’ve used it about half a dozen times because it is far more energy efficient to cook an entire roast dinner all at the same time in a conventional oven than faff around with small batches in an air fryer.

I am your father

In my conspiracy centric world, demand for air fryers or electric cars is only to justify the zillions of licences granted by the Government to foreign companies so they can build loads of wind farms the length of our coastline. No point in building wind, solar or any other form of power generator if there is no or low demand for electricity particularly as our Government usually agrees to pay power generators whether they’re used or not.

Scent Boosters – For decades people have happily gone about their laundry business using only a detergent and fabric softener but now, that’s simply not good enough for Retail Capitalists (the grabbing hands grab all they can). Another chemical element to be added to the already potent mix being flushed into our public sewers and waterways. Hmm – do I get a sense of any planetary responsibility there? Nope. Just another item to add to the shopping list. Not!

Do you really need any of these?

Technological Operating Systems – Okay so these are not unnecessary products because the whole world relies on some technological gadget or other in order to survive modern life but with the lifespan of a sucked Polo mint, Himalayan sized mountains of obsolete hardware are created by operating systems being continually replaced.

Taller than Everest - the E-Waste Mountain

For fear of not being able to spend hours checking mindless social media posts on blogs such as this one, we’re all suckered into continually replacing our phones, laptops, TVs or anything else that depends on an operating system to function effectively. Why? Because if we only had one universal operating system that got upgraded from time to time, we’d never sell any new phones, laptops, TVs etc etc. Did you really think Microsoft or Apple were providing operating systems for the greater good of mankind?

By all means, spray your bollocks or butt cracks with this new whole body deodorant if you must but I’m going to continue ministering to my hairy raspberry with a wet soapy flannel in the shower.

Be careful what you spray on your raspberry

Interesting that whole body deodorant adverts refer to lady parts as ‘ta tas’. I always thought ‘ta ta’ was a way of saying goodbye but perhaps what I’ve really been doing is accidentally shouting ‘love flaps’ at my colleagues as I leave the office each day without realising it.  Whoops!!