PIMP MY DOOR

They’ve come for your car, your heating and now they’re gunning for your tumble dryer. Another consumer choice being systematically removed by Muppet Miliband in his quest to conquer carbon. When will this net zero madness end?

Don't let them take me away

Although I have a condensing tumble dryer purchased years ago for climate ‘emergencies’ ie to get round the situation where you can’t dry clothes during Britain’s lengthy rainy spells, it has remained unused in the garage for the past 5 years. Why? Because when you’ve got a washing line outside it would be cheaper to burn fivers than to tumble clothes.

Tumble dryers are one of those 'vampire' devices that suck the living daylights out of the grid as well as your wallet.  It's no wonder Miliband's got it in for them.  He would rather we all stopped using electricity than putting in place proper power infrastructure to enable cheap renewable energy to be zapped down to every home in the land when its needed.  Much cheaper for the Government as a whole to reduce demand altogether or manipulate folks into using energy when they want you to instead of when you want to.

But what about all those folks who live in blocks of flats or dwellings that have no gardens in which to dry their wet clobber? I foresee them forever trapped, tripping over a clothes horse for the rest of their days if this bonkers tumble dryer ban comes to pass. Better get a new one now before the shops sell out as it seems panic buying has already started.

This carbon craziness is all too much for my tiny head to get round at this time of day so instead I’m turning my thoughts to the door of the understairs cupboard.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A couple of reprobates bought a dilapidated property which they set about transforming into a more desirable empire, free from the tyranny of wood chip wallpaper. These rebel forces replaced all the cheap nasty hollow doors with lovely 1930’s styled oak veneer doors.

1930's styled oak veneer door

All except one. The portal to the understairs dimension - a black hole so deadly that those who enter it have no idea what they’ll encounter or even if they’ll emerge alive.

This door looks dreadful

To crush any future decorating rebellions once and for all, I’ve concocted a sinister death star of a DIY plan to bring the bland understairs cupboard door in line with the rest of the corridor. I’m pimping my door.  Steady on there, old girl. 

Yep, I’m going to pimp this door so that it blends in with the rest of the wood panelling because I can’t bear to look upon its boring, flat face any longer. What? I hear you all shout but that’s impossible! Listen up, in my world, anything’s possible. The trick is to find the way to make it happen.

But more about that later. It’s so hot all the words in my head have melted together like a bit of cheddar under a sizzling grill. Chhhhheeeezzzz… 

It's time for a lie down in a dark room where I can cool off and dream of tasty Edam, door panels and burying Ed Miliband under a gigantic mountain of sopping wet un-tumbled blankets.