THE POWER OF PEA

Taking a rest from project Nouvelle Cuisine to spend some much needed time in my neglected garden. Spring is swiftly morphing into summer and veggie planting waits for no man (or woman).

Peas remain a firm favourite in our veggie top ten being relatively easy to grow and giving an endless supply of mangetout all summer long. Believe it or not, the humble pea was actually the first veg to be canned and frozen. If you ask me, that’s an incredible achievement for something that looks like an over-sized ball of snot. Peas have been grown as a crop since the year dot. I mean, imagine your Friday night fish feast without a decent helping of peas – unthinkable!! And yet many people struggle to grow pea plants. Father, for all his years of gardening experience, has yet to raise a crop of mangetout to rival our pea powerhouse.

Baby mangetout plants

This year’s mangetout were planted a few weeks ago in that sunny early April fortnight around Easter. Bearing in mind the fickleness of the British spring weather, the seeds have been languishing under a plastic protective dome (a kind of veggie sauna) in case of unexpected frosts but other than turning over the soil in the veg bed and adding a dash of fresh compost beforehand, there’s no secret recipe to aid seed germination.

In the right conditions, it only takes about 2-3 weeks before tiny pea plants make an appearance and once they’re about 6 inches tall, a good netted frame is needed to support the plant into adulthood. Previously a handful of bamboo canes and a bit of cheap netting from the 99p shop have done the trick but this year, I’ve splashed out on some sturdier green plastic rods from Wilkinsons as bamboo tends to get a bit brittle after a few years use.

Netting up the peas

And so to the annual task of netting up the peas – canes, netting and cable ties are all that’s needed to get your pea crop off the ground.

GOING POTTY

Where do all those tester paint pots go? You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones whose contents you’ve splodged across that dog-eared sheet of A4 paper now sellotaped lopsidedly to a wall. Surely there must be some kind of Dulux mecca they all gravitate to after they’ve fulfilled their purpose in life?

I'm sure they all look the same?

A small pyramid of pots has materialised on the mantelpiece to help us select the best candidate for that all important job of colouring the kitchen. Far more interesting than all that political guff coming through the letterbox, at least paint delivers exactly what it says on the tin. Picking paint to match our mini metro jade coloured tiles has proved a bit of a challenge in itself. Ten tester pots later and still no ‘x’ in the box. Yep, probably easier to choose a new prime minister albeit one that won’t be called Mint Macaroon or Cool Agave.

What do I do with the tester pots now?

Somebody, somewhere actually has the job of thinking up paint names. Wouldn’t it be cool to grandly announce that Dulux’s new range of emulsion is to be called Pantyhose Pink or Silver Slugtrail? Bet it must be quite tough thinking of the right kind of adjectives to sum up the perfect shade of whatever in only 2 words but I guess, it’s all in the name in the paint world. Let’s take a look at some of the testers we bought – Mint Macaroon (some kind of turquoise), Duck Egg (bluey-grey sludge), Cool Agave (barely a hint of green), Peaceful (looks like green to me) and Escape (definitely pavement grey). Yeah I have to admit, it takes a special kind of someone to think these up.

Soft Fauna 4 to match our jade metro tiles

Finally after much squinting at the dog-eared A4 tester sheets at different times of the day I’ve plumped for Soft Fauna 4, a kind of turquoise-green with a hint of peacefulness and macaroon like qualities that might look good on a duck egg.

LIFE'S A GAS

There’s a lot to be said for having a plumber for a son-in-law. For one thing, he’s a bit more circumspect about flashing the old bum cleavage and secondly, there’s none of that chin scratching, ooh err missus that’s a day’s worth of work malarkey that you often encounter when inviting in random tradespeople to quote for your household jobs.

He’s a dab hand when it comes to fixing leaky pipes, servicing the boiler or plumbing in new radiators and what a grand job he’s done with our new super stylish vertical radiator. We could barely move the thing around the dining room yet I saw him casually lift it onto the wall brackets like he was hanging an oversized canvas. Weighing around 50 kg that’s pretty impressive!

Milano Aruba double panel vertical radiator

Wall hung with pipework chased into wall

Apparently it’s all about BTUs when it comes to choosing a new radiator. Since the kitchen has always been a cold room because of the concrete floor then I’ve gone for the toastiest model possible – the Milano Aruba double panel designer rad, a bargain from the Best Heating web site at £250 and giving out over 8,000 BTUs of lovely heat. I’m looking forward to next winter when I can cuddle up to it whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.

BOOTED OUT

It’s been a frantic fortnight of wheeler dealing in the final push to declutter before the builders move in to turn our lives upside down as Project Nouvelle Cuisine gets under starters orders.

Being a banker you’d think wheeler dealing would come naturally, but au contraire mes amis, all that ducking and diving has left me wrung out like an old dishcloth. Here I am fretting over the price of kitchen cabinet door handles when the local council has blown several million on needless road ‘improvements’ across the borough without as much as a sleepless night. How do they do it and keep a straight face? I imagine they also employ that ‘I bought it in the sale’ tactic to justify the expense to those that matter. I hope a few quid have been set aside for bananas to feed the chimps locked in the Town Hall basement that dream up these ridiculous traffic schemes. There’s no provision being made for a dedicated ‘diner’ lane in our kitchen and if I so much as glimpse any ‘humps’ appearing on the floor, I’ll be wearing builder bollock earrings that’s for sure!!

And so, there’s nothing left to sell. Unless of course anyone wants to put in a bid for a couple of ageing Spaniards (all offers considered …). Ebay and Gumtree have been my life since February hence lack of blog updates. Even a posh bird like me has had to slum it down the car boot sale with the great unwashed. (Fifty pence? What do you think this is, the great tat giveaway?)

Car booters, they’ve got a nerve haven’t they? Expecting change from a pound as you wistfully watch your treasured possessions disappear into a tattered carrier in the grip of someone who’s on the guest list of a big fat gypsy wedding. A couple of times, I almost snatched back a few items but it was only the thought of my gleaming new kitchen and the £90 pocketed that made it all bearable.

Strangely, you experience a weird adrenalin rush when getting rid of all those bits and bobs hoarded over the years. It’s like landing a 30lb cod with a homemade fishing rod and a half eaten rag worm. I’m getting Ebay withdrawal symptoms already!

A toast to the demise of the old kitchen! Here it is, stripped of all doors, bric a brac and several box loads of fossils from Kimmeridge beach.

Look no doors

Plates removed ready for French doors

Here today, gone tomorrow