PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

Ok so it’s not a partridge but a sparrow, a stuffed one.  (Small print - no animals were harmed in the making of this blog post).   But it did get you looking at my amazing pear tree which is now weighted down with 5 lovely, juicy pears.

A partridge in a pear tree?

Not really many partridges to be seen around Charminster (well none to be precise) and if there were any, I expect our Serbian neighbours would have spit roasted them by now on one of their infamous garden bonfires.  Clearly the phrase ‘climate change’ is not something that translates easily into their native dialect.

Neighbours from hell

Unaffected by bonfires, my pears are slowly getting fatter and fatter each day.  I’m looking forward to biting into one of these beauties and can picture it now, juice trickling down my chin and ruining yet another Primarni T-shirt as I’m such a messy eater.  Mmmm – I can already mentally taste those pears!

Our first crop of conference pears

WELLY TREE

Money doesn’t grow on trees but it appears that yellow wellies do! 

There’s a strange plant growing in our garden which has yet to be classified by the Royal Horticultural Society and that’s the lesser spotted yellow welly tree.

This miniature tree, whose trunk bears an uncanny resemblance to a broom handle, has sprouted an abundant crop of small yellow wellies of the knitted variety which should be ready to harvest just in time for the Poole Lifeboat Station open day in August.

Wellies do grow on trees

With a bit of imagination and some timber off-cuts, you too can grow your own welly tree or create a unique arboretum that won’t wither away in the summer drought.  You’ll need: 

• Pre-cut square timber base (post cap)
• Broom handle
• Long thin dowels
• Tester pot of brown paint
• Clear varnish

Making the tree is pretty straight-forward, you can put together the basic shape in less than an hour as follows:

Prepare the tree base – find the centre point of the post cap/base then drill a small hole.

Central position of screw on underside of base

Prepare the trunk – cut the broom handle to your desired length.  Find the centre point of the bottom of the pole then drill a small pilot hole.  Decide where you want the branches to go along the length of your tree trunk then mark position in pencil.  Drill holes through the broom handle, these should be the diameter of the thin wooden dowels.

Cutting tree trunk and drilling holes for branches

Prepare branches – cut long thin dowels into various lengths to make the branches.  Taper the shape of your tree by having shorter lengths at the top, gradually increasing in size so the longer lengths are at the bottom. 

Cutting long dowels down to make branches

Assembling the tree - using a suitably sized long wood screw, attach the base to the broom handle screwing into position from the bottom of the base.  To achieve a nice flat finish, countersink the screw head.  Push the cut dowels through the holes in the tree trunk (broom handle) until they are centred into position. 

First screw base to trunk

Then push branches into position

You should now have your basic tree shape.  Branches can be shortened until you achieve a pleasing tree shape (think mug tree or Christmas tree).

Fully grown tree ready to decorate

Paint and varnish your tree to give it that professional finish.  I used a tester pot from Wilko in a fairly boring brown colour (Nutmeg Spice) but there’s nothing to stop you painting it any colour you like.  

2 coats of paint and a coat of clear varnish to finish

Ta-dah!  You have now grown your very own miniature tree.  Decorate with yellow wellies or whatever else takes your fancy. 

So how is this helping our other DIY projects?  It isn’t but then it’s all for a good cause, right?

LETS ROCK!

You could be forgiven for thinking I’ve spent the past fortnight floating through life with a blackcurrant booze befuddled brain when I should have been working hard on my wood panels.  Nothing could be further from the truth though I confess there have been a few distractions to DIY namely the heat and festivals.

For once, it’s definitely too hot to do anything other than lounge about in bra and pants.  It's so hot, I've even got Shelby writing my blog posts for me.  

How do you spell 'festival'?

Sanding MDF should be part of the Met Office weather warning of things not to do in a heatwave along with running for the bus in a fleece or anything involving ovens.

Festivals on the other hand are a must for a hot summer’s day.  Who but the Brits would spend the day baking themselves bright red in a tree-less field in temperatures that would melt polar ice caps?  I love festivals.  Where would we be without those wall to wall beer tents, outrageously expensive greasy food joints, silly outfits and disgustingly smelly portaloos? Festivals are as much a part of summer as orange calippo lollies.

Festival crowd

You’ve got to admit that although it’s not a cheap day out, festivals are pretty cool places to hang out for the day and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a few decent bands to listen to.  

My prize for the cheesiest festival I’ve been to (other than the Cheese Festival at Sturminster Newton) has to go to Lets Rock Southampton where you can re-live some of the best (and worst) parts of the 80s.  

Lets Rock Southampton!

Looking across to the main stage

Chesney Hawkes’s ‘The One and Only’ really?  Hated it then, still hate it now.

Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Stool pigeon - Ha Cha Cha Cha

Howard Jones

Headliners The Human League were pretty epic!

The Human League

Still as awesome as they ever were

HOOCH

As the nation sizzles like a fatty burger on a makeshift barbeque during this unexpected heatwave, I’ve crawled under a shady rock to secretly sample the blackcurrant hooch I brewed up last September.  Mmmm – it’s delicious!

Not being a seasoned brewer of anything other than the odd silent but deadly trouser trump, making your own booze is by far a much better way of getting rid of surplus berries.  The end result is certainly tastier than home-made jam and it’s so easy to make too.

This year's crop of blackcurrants

Fruit should be free from stalks and ripe

So for what it’s worth, here’s the recipe for your very own Blackcurrant Rum Hooch: 

• In a wide necked bottle/jar place your blackcurrants plus a few leaves from the blackcurrant bush (creepy crawly free).  Give this a good shake to mush up the berries a bit or squash down slightly with a potato masher. 

• Make up a sugar syrup using 2 parts sugar to 1 part water.  Simmer on a low heat but do not stir the sugar, just move this gently for about 20 minutes or until dissolved. 

• The amount of sugar used should equate to about a third of the weight of the fruit.  I used about half a pint of water to 7 oz of caster sugar. 

• Cool the sugar syrup for about 10 minutes then pour over the fruit. 

• Top up the bottle with rum.  I used golden rum from Lidls for this but you can also use brandy, vodka or whatever base alcohol you fancy. 

• Seal the bottle up tightly and leave in a dark cupboard for 3 months.  Give the bottle a good shake every now and again. 

• Taste after 3 months and add a bit more sugar if needed. 

• After 6 months or once good to taste, strain the alcoholic fruit mix through a muslin cloth to filter out all fruit and any debris.  You should be left with a lovely rich ruby red liquid. 

• Bottle and cork.  

My home brewed liqueur tastes almost as good as the cherry vodka we brought back from Poland probably due to the fact I forgot I had it stowed away in the cupboard and didn’t disturb the bottle for almost 9 months.

Wide neck jar easy to get fruit in and out

TKMaxx for nice bottles and jars

I’ve managed to find a recipe for a blackberry liqueur which I’m hoping to try out once all of this year’s berries have been harvested but in the meantime, down the hatch!