GROUND FARCE - Pastures new

Saturday, August 11, 2012

28 SHADES OF BLACK AND BLUE

I’ve been pummelled to within an inch of my life! Jessica Ennis may have won a gold medal for the heptathlon but this morning, I’ve woken up with bruises the size of Olympic aubergines after yesterday’s sport massage.

Groupon’s small print said nothing about the sadistic nature of these treatments. There was not a peep in the very, very illegible text just visible about a millimetre from the bottom of the printed page that suggested keeping an ice pack handy or describing the after effects of going 10 rounds with a carpet beater and losing. I now know what that vacuous literary character Anastasia Steele felt after a visit to the Red Room of Pain (oh my!) in 50 Shades of Grey as like the old joke about nuns falling down stairs, I’m about 28 shades of black and blue all over.

What's black, white & blue all over?

Anastasia Steele would certainly have pee’d her pants at the thought of the Brown Bench of Butt Clenching which aptly describes what happens when you have a sports massage on your legs. Believe me when I say it takes super-human effort not to fart when you’re lying face down on a leather couch with a muscle-bound physiotherapist pumping your feet back towards your arse cheeks! A Red Room of Pain sounds like something Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen dreamed up after 10 pints and a tikka masala.

So why have I subjected myself to this torture? Well aside from the fact that I paid good money to Groupon for the pleasure of being put through the wringer, I thought it would relieve what I call ‘cockle butt’. Cockle Butt is a little known medical condition up there with Housemaid’s Knee and Golfer’s Elbow. It commonly affects those who have spent several hours picking cockles at the seaside. Tightening of thigh, hamstring and butt muscles is the result of 2 hours of bending, squatting and generally scrabbling round in the sand looking for these tasty shellfish. Sitting becomes very painful after a good cockling session thus making a sports massage seem like a good idea at the time.

Picking cockles requires stamina, the desire to sift through tons of smelly mud and a knack for knowing where these things might be hiding. Like gardening, it’s a past-time that yields great rewards as we picked a bucket load of cockles between tides, dispelling the popular myth (according to Charminster’s own Ancient Mariner) that you’ve got to be up at the crack of dawn and Chinese to pick cockles.

She sells sea shells on the seashore

And that’s not the half of it. Cooking and shelling cockles is even more arduous than picking them. For starters, you need at least 2 old saucepans, a large colander and asbestos fingers. The shelled cockles are washed in cold water having been left in the bucket to purge themselves overnight then placed into a covered saucepan where after about 5 minutes they steam themselves open. They are then hooked out of their shells with a fork and subjected to another thorough rinsing in cold water to remove any left-over grit or sand. Freshly cooked cockles can be sprinkled with vinegar or lemon juice for a delicious snack (low cal!)

200g jar of Van Smirren cockles £2.18 making our haul worth around £43

After cooking and shelling, our bucket load of cockles weighed in just below 2 kg.

So whilst I’m now wincing at the sight of the office chair, I have the satisfaction of knowing that when cockling becomes the next Olympic event I shall be up on that podium like all those other great athletes before me bravely clutching my medal and my battered thighs for Queen and country.

And Britain takes the cockling gold medal!

MORE ABOUT:

Cockles: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockle_(bivalve)

Anastasia Steele: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10818853-fifty-shades-of-grey

Sports Massage: http://spas.about.com/od/sports/a/sports.htm

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

They’ve nicked all our fish, beaten our football team and destroyed our indigenous bluebells but now there’s a new resident evil that’s slithered out of the Iberian Peninsula – the Spanish Stealth Slug!

Not to be underestimated, these are truly weapons of mass gardening destruction. As large as a cat turd and with an appetite that could rival a classroom of teenage boys (and we all know how much they can tuck away), a stealth slug is a slimy ‘Terminator’ type eating machine. No amount of copper collars, slug pellets or grapefruit peel is going to prevent these monsters from thinking your hostas are some kind of gardening Big Mac to be consumed along with extra helpings of lettuce.

Which makes me wonder if there isn’t anyone out there that might be persuaded to eat slugs for the good of all mankind. What about the Chinese? Or the French? After all, slugs are just naked escargots – what’s not to like? Just think of all the tasty culinary dishes that could be created; Schezuan slug, slug satay, coq au slug, slughetti - the possibilities are endless! I’m also willing to bet that slugs are probably low in calories. OK, let’s just park that thought there. I’m not even going to begin to imagine what it would be like to snack on a packet of freeze dried slugs with my morning coffee just to have a figure like Marilyn Monroe. Ugghh!!!!

Seriously though, don't try eating slugs. Yes, that includes you Greeks. Even if you're implementing severe austerity measures or trying to save a few pennies, a slug feast is not going to solve your economic woes. Not only are they disgusting but they're full of bacteria, viruses and other lurgi that isn't good for you. (see web link below)

I shall be on the look-out for anything that remotely resembles a stealth slug especially as the cardoon plant I bought last month is on the verge of producing something resembling a baby artichoke. Last thing I want to come home to is a pot full of tattered green shreds and a lawn covered in over-weight slimy critters!

Slugs - this is not your dinner!

Will it be a lovely flower?

If anyone out there has any thoughts on how we can deal with these menaces, please share them here.

MORE ABOUT:

Spanish Stealth Slugs: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18672728

Cardoons: http://www.bbc.co.uk/gardening/plants/plant_finder/plant_pages/248.shtml

Eating Slugs: http://www.health.nsw.gov.au/news/2010/20100513_01.html

Sunday, July 08, 2012

BLACK BEAUTIES

Well it’s turning out to be a typical English summer. Flood warnings have been issued for many parts of the country, Murray’s lost at Wimbledon again and our Russian student keeps asking me where the sun is. Good question. I keep telling her it’s all to do with those Mayan prophecies for 2012 but somehow I don’t think she’s buying it …..

Rain may have blighted my son’s cricket season but it hasn’t stopped Mother Nature from doing what she does best, spreading her green mantle over the land. After only 7 months, the blackberries are finally ripe for the picking.

January 2012 - blackberry bushes planted

First to crop is Loch Maree. These two plants have virtually trebled in size thanks to all the rain and are dripping in fruits. If only we had a few sunny days there'd be enough berries to fill a decent sized punnet.

July 2012 - Loch Maree bush laden with fruits

The berries look gorgeous too. Firm, plump and about the size of a two pence piece. I'm sampling the first few tomorrow with my cornflakes.

Loch Maree blackberries

The Oregon Thorn-less is not far behind, cropping later in the season around August – September time. Less shrubby than the Loch Maree, this variety has sprawled upwards rather than outwards, sending out long shoots which I’ve had to clip down onto the chicken wire netting which forms the walls of the cane tee-pee supporting the bushes.

Probably a good idea if you’re thinking of adding a few blackberry plants to your garden to pick 2 varieties that crop at different times then you’ll be able to prolong berry production throughout summer and into early autumn. This way you'll be ready to combine with home grown apples for pie making.

Take it from me, blackberries have been one of the easiest fruits to grow and a great return on investment, producing fruits in their first year in abundance.

MORE ABOUT:

Growing blackberries: http://www.food-skills-for-self-sufficiency.com/growing-blackberries.html

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

WATERSTON MANOR

Three cheers for Dorset Gardens Trust for organising yet another memorable day out in the English countryside! This year’s Garden Day saw us heading off to Thomas Hardy country to visit Waterston Manor, an Elizabethan pile in the heart of the Dorset near Puddletown. It’s a beautiful old house as you can see from some of our photos, complete with woodland walk, an orchard and water meadows leading down to the nearby River Piddle. Far from the Madding Crowd is spot on as Waterston Manor was used as the model for Weatherbury Farm in the famous Hardy novel of the same name.

Side view of the Manor House

Waterston Manor

What I love about these Garden Days is not only the chance to see posh houses and gardens that are not usually open to the public but also the extensive plant sales that take place in the grounds. I couldn’t believe my eyes when we walked under the entrance archway and all I could see was row upon row of plant stalls. I’m sure I slobbered round like a gibbering idiot for the first half hour.

Plants for sale

Having forgotten to visit a cashpoint en route, my shopping habit was restricted to the meagre £15 left in my purse but I still managed to balance the budget and come away with:

Eryngium Agavifolium (£3.50)
Eryngium Sapphire Blue (£7.50)
Thalictrum Delavayi (£3.50)

These events are recommended for both old and young gardeners as there’s something for all and you’re bound to find some delightful flowery treasure amongst all the plants for sale.