TIER 4 CHRISTMAS

Silent night, Covid night,

All the shops shut up tight.

Tier 4 households with turkey to spare,

Poor old biddies with no-one that cares,

Sneezing into your sleeeeeves,

Sneezing into your sleeves.

 

A re-written Christmas carol for these infectious times.  

Tier 4 - Keep Out!

West Sussex has now moved up into Tier 4 - Christmas is not cancelled merely re-booked for summer 2021 when you can fill your face with turkey or mince pies from the comfort of your own lilo.  

Like Bob Cratchit, our Scroogish employers have decided not to give us a pay rise next year claiming destitution which is what we’ll be experiencing once prices start rising, council tax goes up and dishy Rishi clobbers us all with his hefty income tax truncheon.  Believe me, Covid will be the least of your worries from January onwards. 

But in the meantime, lets raise a glass of kindness dear and wish everyone a merry old time in their lockdown ‘baubles’.  Let’s all hope next year will be a better one!

 

Santa water skiing on Chichester canal

Here’s a few photos of Chichester’s Tier 4 town centre looking all glitzy and twinkly at Christmas.

Twinkly trees at the bottom of East Street

This way to Crimbo

View from the market cross down East Street

North Street

Merry Christmas from Chichester

Chichester Cathedral

TROPICAL HEATWAVE

Basking in the sub-tropical splendour of our new heating system. Oooooh it’s so toasty and warm, like a holiday in the Bahamas rather than a grey, drizzly day in West Sussex. I’m positively perspiring with all these double panelled radiators belting out heat rays. It’s wonderful! 

Piping the radiator into a new position in the spare room

After 5 days of upheaval, the new boiler has taken up residence in the garage looking every bit as smart and efficient as it did online. I wanted the completely idiot proof model and Worcester Bosch has certainly come up trumps with its Life 8000 boiler. This one is so straightforward to operate that even Shelby could set the timings. 

Worcester Bosch Life 8000 boiler

Despite my skepticism over the need for electronic gadgetry, I’ve also invested in a NEST thermostat to keep our heating system on the straight and narrow.

Nest thermostat - control your heating from your phone or laptop

This clever little gizmo ‘learns’ your heat requirements then adjusts itself automatically to meet them. Perfect but do you really want a single eyed cyclops ruling the roost when it comes to deciding how warm it should be for an underpants disco in the lounge? Controlling the temperature one day, setting off a nuclear warhead the next. But for now, in AI we trust.

BT BOTHER

What comes first, Christmas or the BT engineer?  Well it certainly isn’t the engineer!

Reading our blog you might assume it’s a domestical Shangri-la over here with every aspect of our home refurbishment project going to plan, coming in on budget and being generally tickety boo.  Take it from me this is far from the reality of things but there’s enough pandemic doom and gloom already about without me adding my own catalogue of woe to the internet.  However, I will say a few words about a couple of them.

Cracks may turn rusty and leak

Very visible chip on panel

Having paid lots of money for quality designer radiators, it’s disappointing to be returning two of them due to chipped enamel or hairline cracks in very visible places.  I can’t stress the importance of closely inspecting purchases soon after delivery.  Leave it too long and you may struggle to get goods exchanged for free or under warranty.  Luckily Best Heating are able to provide replacements before the gas fitter disappears at the end of this week other-wise we’d have no heat or hot water until after Christmas.  Not the end of the world but it’s just one of those minor hassles you can do without when you’re trying to get on with things. 

This week’s Silver Star for Shit Service goes to the telephone engineer who has already failed to turn up for not one, not two but three appointments to move the main BT socket from the corridor into the lounge/diner so that I can set up my home office. 

This dude is obviously the Scarlet Pimpernel of telecommunications as he’s nowhere to be found when expected.  Even more curious is that when I’ve rung and queried his lack of appearance, I’m told that my job has been completed.  I may be getting on in years but I like eating carrots so my eyesight is still good enough to know a phone socket when I see one and I still see one in the same place as it was since the end of November when it should have been moved. 

Like Alan Bennett’s ‘Lady of Letters’ I’ve penned a few succinctly worded epistles to the relevant parties and hope that this international man of mystery turns up today to finally move the socket.

But no, he failed to show up yet again!

HO! HO! HEATING

Twas the week before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse and that’s because they were all huddling under the duvet trying to keep warm whilst the new heating system is installed. 

To say it’s parky would be an understatement.  I’ve got fingerless mitts on, thermal socks and a nose that’s almost as red as Rudolph’s from sitting in front of the laptop, immobile like an ancient Sphinx whilst I update this blog.  Even my cuppa’s frozen over!

Out with the old and in with the new

Today has been a chaotic whirl of copper pipe plumbing, woodchip stripping and bannister scraping but now the house has descended into silence.  Gone is the familiar gurgling of water trickling round the rads, gone is the plumber with his over-sized drill bits, gone is the other half for a cheeky hot shower back in Ringwood.  So it’s just little old me in the quiet and cold.  It's that quiet I can hear the old dear next door snoring in front of the telly.  Well okay maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but I’m sure you get my drift, it’s definitely a silent night. 

Good progress has been made on the heating system.  After 2 days, all the new radiators have been hung in position and copper pipe replaced to most.  I’ve decided to change all the old rads with my favourite designer ones (Milano Aruba double panelled) from Best Heating.  An extravagant gesture but it’s not everyday you get to have a new heating system and I want radiators that chuck out loads of heat as well as look good. 

 

Hallway

Slim vertical radiator in lounge

Vertical radiator for the kitchen

Longer and lower radiator in the diner

Don’t tell Boris but I’m replacing the old boiler with a GAS combi boiler (Worcester 8000 Life) not because I don’t care about emissions or saving the planet but because it is the most economical way to heat a home.  Sorry but I’m not really convinced the new ‘greener’ heat pumps or hydrogen boilers are really going to save the world, they’ll just cost us all an arm and a leg.  I for one don’t want to spend the rest of my days wearing a 10.5 tog cardigan just to keep warm at home because I can’t afford to pay the heating bill.  Climate change is going to happen regardless of hydrogen boilers or not, it’s just the nature of our planet. 

Like the mice, I’m looking forward to snuggling under my goose down duvet with a few emissions of my own to keep warm.

Well she's not sharing my nest

ALCATRAZ MOTEL OPEN

“Alcatraz Motel.  How may I help you?”
“Yes, we have rooms available or rather one room available.” 
“Covid safe?  Naturally, sir.” 
“To ensure maximum safety, the room is spartanly furnished with sugar soaped walls, no fixtures/fittings or anything that might harbour bacteria.  It’s so ultra-minimalist even the houseflies have moved out.”
“Of course, sir.” 
“Now when I say ‘minimalist’ I mean it’s no frills but we do still have bedding.”
“There may be no heating though or possibly hot water.”
“A quick plunge in an ice bucket is quite bracing at this time of year so I’ve heard.”
“Do you wish to make a booking?”
“Ah right, you’d prefer the Travelodge down the road.”
“No problem sir.”
“Have a jolly Christmas – jolly careful.  Ho! Ho! Ho!”

 

Alcatraz Motel - all the comforts of home

With the camp bed freed from its Lok n Store prison and a shiny new curtain rail, the spare bedroom is now fit for Santa or anyone else who might fancy dropping into the newly opened ‘Alcatraz Motel’.  Our spare room is perfect for anyone seeking a spartan retreat where they can contemplate life’s deeper meaning unencumbered by materialistic clutter.  Think penitentiary meets Marie Kondo.

West Sussex being Tier 2 then I guess overnight stays are top of the naughty list this year but you should always be prepared in case any unexpected Crimbo guests rock up.  Like Santa.  All that pressie delivering is bound to be a bit tiring.  He might fancy a quick forty winks before he swishes off to Bognor on his magical reindeer sleigh (have you been licking those walls again?) so we’ve made an effort.

 

At last I can hang out my garland without fear of it being pinched

At last, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and a lot less like a demolition site.  Only 13 days to go; the halls are decked, the tree is up and I’ve even managed to hang the garland on the fireplace.  

Deck the halls

Trim the tree

Hang the stockings on the chimney

We’ve even given festive cards to our new neighbours (posted through letterboxes in the dead of night).  Yes, there’s even a Christmassy robin in the garden – it’s a truly magical time of year.

Lovely little robin visits our garden most days

Only 13 more sleeps to go

WAR ON WOODCHIP

Whilst everyone is busy gift shopping online for Crimbo or trying to get their head round the complex tier system being introduced after the current lockdown is lifted, I’ve been waging my own personal war on woodchip.

 

Just when you thought it was safe...

Aagh!  Woodchip!!!

A new weapon has been acquired and it looks lethal!  Good job the postie couldn’t see through the wrapping or I might have been reported to the Rozzers for being armed and dangerous.  Seriously you don’t want to be larking about with this little gizmo.  It’s like a steroid pumped porcupine on wheels.

 

Very very sharp

Available on Ebay or from DIY stores

I tried it out on the lounge wall then on the corridor ceiling.  It sounded like an artillery deployment.  Note to self: only use between the hours of 10 am and 5 pm as our semi- detached neighbour is not likely to be impressed by the sound of distant gunfire or a super-sized cheese-grater on the walls whilst she’s watching Strictly Come Dancing.

 

Take that you horrible paper!

It certainly did a quicker job of scoring the walls than using a metal scraper blade and the extendible pole is perfect for shorties.  Using the score and splash method (repeat 3 times) I was able to clear a huge section of lounge wall in next to no time.

 

Stripping behind the bookshelf

Taking a leaf out of the Tory book, I’ve now implemented my own tier system (Tier 1 being untouched and Tier 4 being totally stripped) to monitor pandemic paper progress (PPP) and this is the current state of the house: 

Upstairs bedrooms – Tier 4

Upstairs corridor – Tier 2

Downstairs corridor – Tier 3

Diner – Tier 4

Lounge – Tier 2

Kitchen – Tier 1 

Scientists recommend no more than 2 people in a DIY bubble.  People in your DIY bubble should only meet indoors unless it’s a specific gardening bubble then you can invite one other person to help with the weeding.  Remember to keep at least 2 meters apart unless you want to trip over cables.  Wear a face mask as paint scrapings get everywhere and you don’t want dusty snot when you blow your nose.  Wash hands as Zinsser DIF flavoured cookies with your cuppa are not very nice.

  

Clearing the wall ready for new radiator

Looking better already

We'll get there in the end

UNSEEN EVILS

An evil menace lurks unseen! Yes, I know you can’t see Covid germs but this is not a virus.  This menace has been around for years, hanging about in homes like the smell from a forgotten pair of sweaty socks festering in the bottom of the laundry bin.  You’d never know this menace was there, well you would if it was a pair of my ‘cheesers’ but besides them you’d never know this evil was there unless you accidently came across it.

To the untrained eye this evil menace looks like a dull expanse of greyness about as interesting as pak choi is to a non-veggie and as we carnivores all know, anything green and of dubious spelling should be given a wide berth.  So what is it then?  Drum roll please – shock horror it’s asbestos!

 

Asbestos was commonly used in the past in the construction of houses, schools and many buildings.  The type used in residential dwellings is not dangerous in itself unless it begins to biodegrade or you start drilling holes in it and then it’s about as fatal as a piano falling on your head from a 4^th floor.  You breathe in the invisible particles and boom!  Kiss goodbye to that retirement cruise in the Seychelles.

 

We have asbestos cement boards lining the garage ceiling.  This was highlighted on the property survey but not as an issue as the boards are in good condition.  Yet now that we’re going to replace the central heating boiler and re-pipe the system, it’s a major concern as no work can be done until the Hazmat Team have declared the garage a contamination free zone. 

Getting rid of asbestos is only a major headache if you have the super atomic grade variety so the first thing to do is to get a reputable asbestos company in to test it.  We were charged £90 for a test and report.  If you are lucky enough to have the less toxic variety as we are then removal is fairly straight forward and likely to cost you under £1000.  I’ve found a local asbestos company who will remove the asbestos cement sheets and encapsulate the rest of the ceiling for around £700. 

 

Less fortunate punters who have the atomic grade stuff in their homes usually end up paying several thousand pounds to get rid of it due to the extra safety precautions that have to be taken.  The way the procedure was described to me sounded like something from a zombie apocalypse so I’m thankful ours is the less toxic type. 

Work on the garage is now complete.  Let’s just say that I didn’t poke my head round the door to ask if the workmen wanted a cup of tea.  Sorry.  Please don’t take it personally.

 

GNASHER NIGHTMARE

Confucius he say “It is easier to find a racecourse in West Sussex than it is to find an NHS dentist.”   Interestingly Google maps shows more dental practices in Chichester town centre than anything else.  Either the local residents eat too many sweeties or with the majority being elderly, it’s a Klondike gold fillings rush for dentists.  Yeehaa! 

Not that I’ve got anything wrong with my gnashers.  These pearly whites are good for a few more decades yet but when you get to my age it’s always beneficial to be registered with a practice in case of emergencies like when you decide to open beer bottles with your teeth and chip one of them. 

For impoverished riff raff like me this poses a bit of a problem because going to the dentist with toothache usually ends up costing more than a shopping splurge in Harrods unless you’re an NHS patient.  And judging from the email responses so far, it seems our local chopper flossers are all Harrods shoppers because most practices are private patients only. 

Unless you’ve got one of those Denplan policies, an initial visit to any one of these practices is £70 plus – cash which I could put to better uses round the house rather than spending it on expensive Oral B advice or a poke round the gums with an ice pick.  

The Chichester Observer recently observed the same thing and my heart went out to the woman who chose to pull out 9 of her own teeth rather than hand over the cost of a Disney holiday to a private dentist.  A bit of string and a hard shove on the door, job done! 

Still with Fontwell Park being just down the road next time I need an extraction, I’ll just give the horse vet a call as it’s probably cheaper than visiting one of these mentalist dentalists.

I use a water flosser on mine

FULL STEAM AHEAD

‘Your house was very small, with woodchip on the wall…’ sang Pulp.  And so is ours.  Getting stuck into ridding the walls of this dreadful woodchip paper.  It’s everywhere – on the walls, on the ceilings, it’s a miracle the toilet seat wasn’t papered in the stuff!

 

Ban woodchip now!

First to go under the stripping knife was the guest bedroom.  Being the smaller of the two upstairs bedrooms it didn’t take the pair of us too long to tame this beastie.  It’s full steam ahead to do battle with the wallpaper warlock. 

 

Small bedroom stripped

You can see where the wall was previously patched

Now being four foot nothing tall when I strip wallpaper it’s like Bilbo Baggins meets Changing Rooms but with only the bottom half of the wall getting tackled. The other half having the advantage of height strips everything over shoulder level.  This tag team approach works well as long as you both start in different corners so you’re not tripping up over each other.

 

Give your wall a jolly good soaking

Then get stuck in with the steamer

A word here on the safety of stripping with other people, it’s a steamy business.  Make sure you have plenty of ventilation in the room so you’re not overcome by the sauna-like conditions.  Remember steam is the product of very hot water and it hurts like hell when you get the odd drip on the hand (ouch!) and when you lean in close to the steam pad it’s like having a Karcher facial.  Have Government scientists considered wallpaper steamers as a means of Covid cleansing?  They could be quite effective in the war against germs.

As I’ve already mentioned, woodchip wallpaper is the stuff of the devil and a bugger to get off especially with several coats of paint on it.  Ban woodchip now!  I’m losing the will to live just looking at it.  Come on, just think how much better the walls are going to look without the stuff so stop whining and crack on.  

Get your kit together to save time – steamer, water jug or empty milk container for refilling, stripping knives, stepladder, scorer, wallpaper stripping liquid, bucket and portable radio tuned in to Planet Rock. 

 

Zinsser DIF the stuff of legends

Start by scoring the surface of the woodchip paper with a criss-cross network of lines.  This helps the steam penetrate the paper more effectively but don’t do this too deeply as you’ll mark the plaster underneath.  Dilute your wallpaper stripping liquid (Zinsser DIF) in a bucket and slosh it on the scored paper.  Leave for 15 mins to cook whilst you fill up the steamers then air guitar around the room to some headbanging rock tunes.  Hell yeah!  Repeat process at least 3 times. 

When steam’s up, you can now take out your angst on the walls.  Woodchip paper seems to strip in almost 2 parts; the upper paper layer and the bottom ‘granola’ layer.  Once you’ve peeled back the paper layer, the granola part requires only a gentle steam and little effort to remove. 

 

Add milk for instant breakfast

Be careful not to leave the steam pad on the paper for too long either as sometimes this can cause the plaster wall beneath it to crack especially if the plaster is not in a good condition or old like ours.  Good job we’re getting the walls re-plastered.  I’m beginning to see why they papered these rooms in the first place, there are so many cracks it’s only the wallpaper holding the whole house together.

This is what you find under the  paper

OVER THE RAINBOW

It was a funny old weekend weatherwise in Chichester, alternating between gale force squally rain, hailstones and sunshine.  A beautiful rainbow sprang up over the nearby rooftops brightening up the arduous task of wallpaper stripping. Rainbows always make you smile.

 

Rainbows always make you smile

I've yet to find the pot of gold

Reflections

Wonderfully vibrant colours

Steaming ahead in more ways than one, both bedrooms plus the dining room end of the lounge have been stripped to within an inch of their lives.  My bingo wings are looking the full house thanks to all this exercise. 

 

Supervising the workforce

The same cannot be said of the central heating system – it’s certainly not the full house or even a warm house.   The system is as antiquated as the neighbours and temperamental, working on an ‘as and when it feels like it’ basis so I’ve had to book in a visit from a plumber to see if he can make sense of it.  In the meantime, we’ve nothing but a tiny fan heater to huddle round and hoodies to snuggle into of an evening.  Bbbbrrrr!

Plumber’s been and gone taking £261 with him for fixing our heating issues which turned out to be a faulty valve.  I’m sure it won’t be the last time we’ll be seeing him. This is what you get when you buy old properties with old heating systems.  I expect ours probably got a mention in the Doomsday Book.

Antiques roadshow