POOPY PROTOCOL

Morning has broken!  Who’s gonna fix it?

Got into work this morning to find a brightly coloured ‘Poopy Protocol’ sign had mysteriously appeared on the door to the Ladies loo.  Although there are only 6 key workers occupying our office building, it appears we all need re-educating on the correct procedure to follow if you suddenly feel the need for number ones or number twos. 

Going to the loo?  It's more complicated than you think

Here’s what the Poopy Protocol recommended to keep you safe in the ‘New Normal’:

1)  You must look both left and right to ensure the coast is clear before crossing the corridor to the toilet door.

2)  Once outside the main toilet door, peer furtively through the narrow glass partition window to check for signs of life, alien or otherwise.

3)  Without actually touching anything, push open the door.  I find a swift boot thrust works wonders on a swing door, just make sure you clear the return trajectory quickly if you don’t want to be forking out for a nose job later.

4)  Inside the lavatory, shout out to alert other humans to your germ infested presence.  ‘I need a shit’ bellowed loudly will not only be heard by the occupants of the flats over the road but should clear any occupied cubicles in seconds.

5)  Only 1 person is allowed in at any given time.  Phew, what a relief!  I’d hate to be sharing my cubicle with anyone else especially when I’m giving flight clearance to a monster turd at the Crapwick Airport. 

6)  Conduct your business quickly and with minimal touching of surroundings or anything else.  Yep that means no sneaky wanks, nose picking, bidding on Ebay, sexting on Tinder or reading the Guardian and that’s just for users of the ladies loo, the list of ‘Do Nots’ for the gents would fill this blog.

7)  Wash your hands and anything else if you can get it to reach the sink with the skin-drying, eczema flaring, disgustingly gloopy sanitising solution we’ve procured at great expense from some dubious third world country. 

8)  Don’t blow dry your Venus Fly-trap under the air dryers, dab it dry with a paper towel instead.

9)  Fold your sleeve over your fingers (but not the one you sneezed in earlier) to grab the door handle then exit swiftly taking care not to lick any walls or windows on the way back to your desk.

If you follow this Poopy Protocol to the letter not only will you receive a recognition email from the Top Knob himself as being the saviour of mankind but you’ll most certainly be certifiably dubbed the ‘Office Loon’ for the next decade. 

Whoops!  I think I need a pee ….  CLEAR THE DECKS ….