DAILY UPDATE SCRAPPED

Now that Boris has scrapped the daily pandemic update, I feel it’s my civic duty to fill the gap by providing one of my own.  Today’s top news includes:

The Government has ordered a heatwave to kill coronavirus germs as its efforts to provide adequate test and trace services have been about as effective as a packet of polo mints. 

Are the pubs open yet?

Half of Birmingham migrated to Dorset on the hottest day of the summer, boosting local sales of turmeric and garam masala but leaving the town ‘trashed’ in the words of Vikki Slade (personage in charge of PooBo Council).  I believe someone heard her say “Keep out scum as next time, we’re calling in the army” as she nipped behind a beach hut for a quick pee.

Keep your germs to yourself in your own home town

A second wave of stupidity has been predicted by scientists as the nation continues to blatantly ignore all government advice.  Pubs due to re-open on 4 July are preparing safety lock-in measures to keep punters continually supping beer in case the death toll continues to rise.  Hairdressers have oiled the sheep shearers ready for an influx of hirsute northerners who can’t be bothered with the beach.  Theatres will be allowed to broadcast live performances of ‘Look I’m A Tree’ from behind closed doors.

Marketing posters appearing in local and national tabloids have been revised to appeal to the more juvenile members of the population because let’s face it, the original lot are as boring as ***k.  Here’s a sneak preview of a few I prepared earlier:

Protective headgear recommended in public places

Test and Trace - works a treat on farters

Keep the toilet lid down and wash your bits

Remember, we’re all in it together when times are shit but it’s every man for themselves when the gravy train is running. 

Stay Inert.  Troll the Pariahs.  Eat Pies.