SUPER SATURDAY

Whilst everyone else is rushing out to the pub, hairdressers or booking a holiday to Costa del Covid in what I’ve dubbed ‘Stupor Saturday’, I’m sat here reading the paper and thinking Pah!  What a load of numpties!

Chancellor Roland Rat was plastered across yesterday’s copy of The Times encouraging us to ‘eat out to help out’ which is ironic coming from the Government whose most recent pledge is to beat fatties about their lardy bits with the tax stick in a bid to combat obesity.  Yet there he is looking every inch the dapper city gent who’d nipped into his local for a drink on his way home.  

Your Country Needs You In the Pub

Our fly-on-the-wall reporter just happened to overhear this conversation from his 2 metre drinking spot:

Chancellor - “Evening bartender.  I’ll have a gin & tonic with a slice of Covid, please”

Bartender - “Sorry Sir, I can’t serve you.”

Chancellor - “What do you mean you can’t serve me?  Don’t you know who I am?  I’m the Chancellor of the Exchequer that’s who.”

Bartender - “Sir, I don’t care if you’re the Queen of Sheba but you can’t get served unless you’re standing behind that line.  And hands off the bar, we have a ‘no touch’ policy in here.”

Chancellor - “Ah, right.  That line.  Sorry must have missed it, what with being a rat and all that.  I’ll just shuffle backwards a bit.  Better?  Now then how about a nice G&T?”

Bartender - “Sorry sir but I still can’t serve you as you’re not wearing any PPE and that phone number you’ve just given me looks a little bit dodgy.”

Chancellor - “I got my numbers mixed up, Okay?  That’s what happens when you’re a Chancellor, sometimes all those figures dance around in your head in a numerical hokey-cokey and they get shaken all about.  Bit like Budget forecasts.  What if I lift my shirt over my head?”

Bartender - “Well …..  All right but it’s just going to be a single measure and no lemons as that involves chopping which could be infectious.”

Chancellor - “Bless you bartender.  The economic health of the whole country is hinging on you and this G&T.  This is a consumption driven economy so let’s have another and save the summer.  Chin-Chin!”

Truly this is as good as journalistic reporting gets.  Fake news?  You heard it here first!