FETAVERSE

Happy New Covid once again! 

I've read that Mark Zuckerberg is branching out into the dairy business by creating a cheesy-verse called ‘Feta’ that we can all live in.  And why not?  It’s a genius idea because even if you don’t like social media, everyone loves cheese. Even vegans.

 

A universe made of cheese - fabulous!

I’ve already begun to mentally design my new avatar.  In the ‘Fetaverse’ I’ll no longer be a fat, frumpy, fifty something but a tall, athletic brunette with perky boobs that’ll stick out like an IKEA shelf and the smallest most perfectly toned butt that would take gold in the arse Olympics.  There’ll be no getting old, no Covid, no paying taxes or worries about finding NHS dentists – the ‘Fetaverse’ will be a perfect virtual utopia where we can all live forever or at least until electricity finally runs out.

 

Age will be a thing of the past in the Fetaverse

On the flip side of this, the REAL world will suddenly seem like the depressingly shit place it is, full of imperfect, hateful people, contagion and re-runs of The Italian Job so mass global depression and suicides are likely to increase when you leave ‘Feta’ and are back in the room.  Everyone will want the cheese but no-one will want the stale, dry crackers. 

 

Fetaverse?  Are you crackers?

Like a vampire’s curse, we’ll watch all our loved ones die in real life but we’ll continue to interact with their immortal ‘Feta’ selves until we too pop our clogs or Zuckerberg comes up with a way for us all to live forever electronically like Johnny Depp did in Transcendence.  I foresee a generation of screwed up individuals who’ll spend so much time in the fake world that they won’t be able to accept the reality of life or who will spend a small fortune on cosmetic surgery so that they can look as perfect as their avatars. 

But even as God created perfect angels, He also created the devil to balance things out.  Maybe someone will create a Dark Feta where we can all act out our sick fantasies and get away with it because in that universe there’ll be no police, prisons or punishments.  Oh, hang on, I think that’s the real world.  Bugger!

 

MZ's notepad?

As dairy generally gives me a touch of the farts, not to mention those weird cheese dreams that generally follow a Wensleydale binge then I’ll be giving the ‘Fetaverse’ a miss.  

Thanks for the offer, Mark, but I’m happy to bimble along as a fat, frumpy, fifty-something in real life rather than exist virtually as ‘Miss Perfect’ in the cheesy-verse.  Enjoy Zuckers!