This crash course in DIY medicine is the result of the NHS’s drive to push care out to the community resulting from the GP surgery deciding to withdraw mum’s daily insulin injection. Going forward, the expectation of the health service is that WE will all be actively responsible for managing our own care hence self-administration of treatments.
In the 12 months that mum’s been taking insulin, it seems her blood sugar levels have now gone south and are considered too low.
‘We have to balance the risk of falls to the risk of blindness’ chirped the Diabetic Nurse with a crocodile smile on her face designed to disarm even the grumpiest or more cynical of patients. Okay, so our choices are a potential bump on the head or a guide dog? I sat there poker-faced wondering if this was all part of health service cost cutting and making a mental note to consult the crap out of Dr Google as soon as we got home.
With no daily injections to administer, services such as finger prick testing previously provided by the District Nursing Team are also being withdrawn as it’s the NHS’s belief that so long as there is another person with 2 arms/2 legs living in the property with the patient then it’s down to them to take on the burden of carrying out any treatment. Carer’s age or capability to do so being totally ignored by the system.
Finger prick testing – well how hard can it be? I’ve seen the nurses do it. Just like using a small stapler on your finger tip. Squeeze out a drop of the red stuff then use the hand-held gizmo to suck it up in order to obtain a blood sugar level reading. Piece of piss. Yeah, I’m sure my DIY skills are perfectly transferrable for this type of task.
Except that it’s not quite that simple, is it? Nothing ever is. For starters, the Ancient Mariner has huge sausage-like fingers, the bedside manner of a serial killer and is 91 years old so you can hardly expect him to do this on a daily basis. Add to the mix that I hate needles or the sight of blood and between us we’re a nurse that’s more Hannibal Lecter than Florence Nightingale.
I volunteered a digit to experiment on. Nurses use small plastic clicky things called Unistik 3 comfort lancets to prick fingers. These lilac-coloured lancets are about an inch and a half long with a white plastic tab at one end. I studied the instructions on the side of the box. Twist white tab, remove it then press end to the finger and click. Easy. Nothing to it. Like frying an egg.
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| Unistik 3 comfort lancet |
Four destroyed lancets later, the end of my finger still intact. Not a single drop of blood spilt. Time to call upon the services of Dr YouTube. And of course, there is a movie showing you exactly how to use these gadgets because what the instructions had failed to mention for the benefit of village idiots like myself is which end contained the needle. Ah, it was hiding under the white tab all along. Duh!
Next, pump up the Nexus blood sugar testing machine. A small hand-held monitor that talks to you. Not programmed to tell you what a cack-handed numpty you’re being but designed to verbally guide you through the process. Perfect for visually impaired patients/nurses but not deaf ones like father.
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| Nexus Voice Blood Sugar Testing Machine |
Take a testing strip about an inch long then stick it into the slot. Great, it’s got arrows on the end you stick into the machine. Less chance of getting that wrong.
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| Test strips to hoover up blood sample |
Prick finger then squeeze out a decent sized blob of blood. Do this before turning on the machine as it then minimises the risk of errors with the readings.
Turn on the machine, listen to the opening intro then when it tells you, poke the end of the testing strip into the droplet of blood. Ooooh, look. It magically hoovers up a miniscule sample of the stuff to test and within seconds, the screen displays your blood sugar levels reading them out too. Marvellous!
Now to repeat this process on mother who has been watching our antics for the past half hour with a look of apprehensive dread. After a democratic vote, it’s decided that I will wield the stapler and the Ancient Mariner the blood hoover. Teamwork makes the dream work.
We pounce upon mother before she has the chance to gather her wits about her. Yay! We’ve done it. The patient survived. We have blood sugar readings. 8.8 not bad. Pat on the back.
Care in the Community – getting clueless numpties to execute tasks that were previously done by the health service on other poor numpties.
Be prepared because under the NHS's new 10 Year Health Plan in the years to come, you too will be expected to become your own district nurse.
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