Of course, in 1,000 days there’s likely to be another general election probably making war someone else’s problem, not Wes’s. From bedpans to ballistics, Wes inherited defence from Horrible Healy who is now gearing up to wage war on our wonga on Wednesday.
However, for us over-weight, over-taxed, over-electrified oiks, it’s battle stations. Be ready! Be Prepared! Be anything other than sitting on your arse expecting someone else to be doing something whilst you watch the latest round of Celebrity Traitors in blissful oblivion.
To prepare for this imaginary ‘war’, the Government may have to introduce some policy changes:
Like retirement, the age of conscription will be pushed out to 70. If you can hold a fork, walk 200 yards unaided, dress yourself then you’re in. Britain needs YOU! Finger firmly pointing outwards. Report to your nearest Barmy Recruitment Office as soon as.
Ration Books like everything else will be digital. They’ll be over-complicated to obtain, function temperamentally and only likely to work with a top-of-the-range satellite phone. From China. You’ll need to handover a sackful of personal data to a faceless bot called Twinkle to register for the That’s-Your-Lot APP, precious data that can then be flogged to the enemy after the ‘war’ to re-build the economy.
Whilst details of your identity will be available to every hacker on the planet, in true Orwellian fashion our ‘enemy’ will remain an unknown quantity because the Nanny State knows best. It’s for our own good. We can’t handle the truth. Makes it easier to stoke up a good panic if we don’t know exactly who the bad ‘un is. China? Russia? Hackers? Migrants? That bloke over there with three heads wearing a paisley frock brandishing a ray gun? Not seen, not there. Unless the Government say they are then be ready.
Panic buying will become mandatory. Every household in the land will be sent a random weekly shopping list of over-priced, not needed items to purchase for the greater economic good of the nation. Toilet rolls, paracetamol, eggs or any other sensible items won’t be included on the PB list. Expect to see snail facial cream, air fryers, nose hair trimmers, incontinence pants, plastic pumpkins and Oasis tickets. Anything and everything useless will be on the list whilst the stuff you really need in a crisis will have mysteriously disappeared from supermarket shelves under alleged ‘supply chain issues.’
Richer households will be expected to fund their own defence equipment via a unique ‘Drone Deduction’ tax code that will enable the Revenue to plunder funds directly from your bank account. Anyone with more than fifty quid in coinage stored in either a whiskey bottle, piggy bank, shoebox under the bed or any other receptacle will be deemed a ‘richer’ household under new means-testing criteria to be introduced.
Having frog-marched the public down the electrified brick road by limiting consumer choice thus forcing us all to have smart phones, gadgets with remote access capability, electric cars, DAB radios, internet phone lines, online banking etc, etc, the Government has exposed every single one of us to the risk of cyber warfare. We’d not be in this position if we’d stuck with analogue TVs from Radio Rentals. Yet now with a household full of connectivity, we’ve all got targets on our backs. Is it any wonder some of us want to live ‘off grid?’
Modern warfare won’t require bomb shelters because a clever, unseen foe is just going to give an evil cackle, flick a switch, and bingo, its good-night Vienna. First, they’ll disable the web then they’ll pull the power. Or maybe it’ll be the other way round? Power first, then web. Hang on, let me just ask AI.
Well, whatever the order, we’re all going to be well and truly rogered whichever way you look at it.
Stockpile or no stockpile, how will you open those tinned goods now your electric can opener is on the fritz? Believe me, cold baked beans are no-one’s idea of a delicious supper on a wet, wintery evening especially with no toaster to warm the bread first or melt the butter.
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