GIVING WORK THE FINGER

Work is bad for your health but then you don’t need me to tell you this, right? 

First it was carpel tunnel syndrome that consigned me to the top of the occupational health scrapheap.  This extremely painful condition is the by-product of years of office work namely typing or keyboarding.  Back then, surgery was the only remedy since science had failed to develop human clones or robots to take our place at work.

Carpel Tunnel syndrome - a common condition in office workers

Fifteen years later and brainwashed like all work-force drones into not breaking the economic commandment ‘Thou Shalt Not Give Up Employment’, I’m suffering from repetitive strain injury in both arms.  Yes, I’m broken.  Beyond repair.  Surgery (if at all available on the NHS these days) is not even an option.

According to my doctor who repeatedly tells me to give up typing but doesn’t so much as prescribe a painkiller to help me get over my aches and pains, quitting work is the only way forward.  Retire?  At 55 years of age?  But even the Queen’s still at it.  Not that she probably needs to work as I’m sure she’s got enough salted away to keep her in cardies and Hob Nobs for the rest of her days but I guess when you’re the Head of State there’s no skiving off.

I wish I could be at home watching Jeremy Kyle

Now to add to my woes, I’ve a gammy finger.  An infection of the finger-tip and soft pad which has left me at a disadvantage for picking my nose or scratching itchy parts but is not serious enough (yet) for me to retire early on the grounds of ill health. 

Finger infections are very painful

What to do?  Chop off the offending digit or start up a bogus Ponzi scheme?  This at least might keep me in a luxurious life-style until I’m old enough to give up work or get caught.  Contrary to medical advice received, there aren’t many jobs around where use of your hands is not required unless I get employed on a sex chat line.

Maybe a new career direction?

So it’s a case of keep calm and carry on painting (and typing) until such time as I can chop both arms off and have them replaced with new bionic ones.  

Bad fingers are not an excuse to stop painting

MY CARDY IS UNRAVELLING

Ah those naughty chimps in the Town Hall basement have been at it again! 

Bournemouth Road Improvements Team

They’ve been using their computer modelling (Super Mario Karts) to come up with their latest highway ‘improvement’ for Winton’s Cardigan Road by sticking in a cycle lane that forces two wheeled traffic into oncoming cars up a one way street.

You’ve got to hand it to Bournemouth Council, this is a masterful and legitimate way of ridding the town of nuisance cyclists namely by getting drivers to run them over.  No, seriously who in their right mind would put a cycle lane going the wrong way on one of Winton’s busiest junctions?

Motorists approaching the Cardigan Road junction already have their attention divided by two things - zombie pedestrians wandering across the road whilst plugged into their iphones/ipods completely unaware of turning traffic and the pelican crossing in constant use outside Lidl.  Now a third hazard presents itself, cyclists potentially in your blind spot as you turn right into Cardigan Road.  Yes you heard correct - cyclists in a place where least expected.  Get your dash cam footage ready to send to Car Crash TV folks as this junction’s going to be a hoot!

Clearly as chimps don’t drive they have little idea of how this arrangement is just not going to work.  Their poor command of English means they can’t comprehend that ‘one way’ means one direction only and that includes all road users, two wheels or four.  One way streets are specifically designed to facilitate the flow of traffic particularly in narrow roads contrary to what the Government thinks.

It would have been good if the chimps had carried out a cost benefit analysis to see whether the return on the investment would be worth the extra hassle to motorists, the increased congestion on the High Street plus the extra danger to cyclists but I guess their maths is not up to scratch and they probably don’t know one end of a spreadsheet from another.  Funnily, the initials for cost benefit analysis (CBA) are also street slang for ‘can’t be arsed’ which I dare say is why the chimps didn’t bother as they may have been confused. 

It is only a matter of time before the Cardigan unravels and someone gets seriously hurt.  Lord save us from the meddling Highway Chimps – just leave the town’s roads alone!!

MELLOW MOCHA

Years ago when stencilling was all the rage in interior design, I used this technique to add a touch of individuality to rooms such as my daughter’s which featured a two colour wall incorporating stencilled suns and stars.

Decorative stencilled design

Painstaking to create as each image has to be carefully transcribed into position using special stencilling crayons, stencilled designs are too fiddly and time consuming for today’s fast paced life where everyone wants that instant designer look with minimal effort.  So it is with heavy heart that I am now covering these with emulsion.

Being a Starbucks ‘coficionado’, my daughter has gone for a paint colour called Mellow Mocha to create a more neutral colour palate in her current two shade boudoir.  This rich taupe/beige should give the room a warm feel and contrast nicely with white woodwork and coving.

A lovely shade of sludgy grey pink or taupe

Now before you all go scrambling for your keyboards to pen a concisely worded email to Dulux regarding their use of the term ‘Mocha’ to describe a colour that closely resembles a sludgy grey pink more than your favourite Mochachino then a word here about paint colours.

Firstly, the fancy monikers paint companies ascribe to their emulsions cannot be used in a court of law to accurately verify a specific shade of colour that may or may not be contained within a can.  These descriptive names are purely concocted for marketing purposes as someone is more likely to buy a can of aptly named ‘Café Au Lait’ than ‘Donkey Droppings’ when looking for a shade of brown.

Secondly, colour and how it appears on a wall or other surface can be affected by many factors such as lighting (natural or artificial), room size, perspective (where you are stood in relation to what you are looking at) and even your own eyesight.  How many of us can boast to having 20-20 vision?  Mine is definitely more Mr Magoo as time goes on.

A couple of coats of Mellow Mocha later and the same room looks like a completely different one. 

Before Mellow Mocha paint job

After - Subtle colour that contrasts well with white

Painted wallpaper also looks good in this colour

Will make a nice base colour for accessories such as prints

And because I’m a ‘saddo’ even Shelby’s tortoise table is getting the Deco makeover in Mellow Mocha. 

Tarting up the tortoise table

DECO PARADISO

It’s 11.30 am and I’ve just had my daily ‘crack’ fix – Dulux not drugs as I’ve spent the last couple of days off work refreshing the ceiling and coving in daughter’s bedroom with some of that marvellous white crack-free paint.  It’s become my ‘go to’ emulsion for sprucing up tired, grey ceilings as it does leave them looking like brand new.

New coving before painting

Two coats of emulsion and a coat of crack free paint to finish

As a teenager, I berated my parents a thousand times for not letting me festoon my bedroom in posters of Mark Bolan or David Bowie and decades later I now know why the answer was always categorically ‘NO’ to sticking things up on the wall.  Growing up in the 1970’s I suppose I should have been grateful for having a bedroom with walls.  Nowadays, kids would be ringing Social Services and reporting their parents for child abuse. 

Just say 'NO' 

  

Blu Tack!  This and double sided sticky pads are the work of the devil when it comes to decorating walls.  Blu Tack leaves small greasy marks which can sometimes be difficult to paint over and sticky pads, well that’s a different kettle of fish…  Ironically, both of these are best removed with a large lump of Blu Tack and hairdryer.  My advice to parents facing the poster dilemma – apply lining paper to your walls first or better still, sell your children on Ebay.

Remove sticky stuff from walls before painting

But now it’s time for a spot of wallpapering.  No tradesmen this time round, it’s a case of ‘do it yourself’ as it’s only 1 feature wall.

In keeping with my new 1930’s theme, I’ve bought a wonderful geometric vinyl called Deco Paradiso.  This paintable, luxury vinyl Anaglypta paper is available from B&Q (£7.50 per roll) and has a beautiful fan style motif.

Paintable, luxury vinyl wallpaper from B&Q

Deco Paradiso with it's lovely geometric design

Pattern matching is fairly straight forward on this design and there’s not too much wastage, three rolls was more than enough to cover the entire wall. 

To save time, have all your kit to hand

Paste paper then leave to soak

Starting in the corner and work to the middle

Paper centred across the chimney breast

Finished wallpapered feature wall

Wait until completely dry (which shouldn’t be too long is this hot weather) before painting.

Wallpapering?  I think it's time for a cat nap